- Event: Chaos 019
You must think that the Hero of Jattlanta is stupid, don’t you, Joe Bergman?
Don’t answer that. The Champion of Jattanooga knows you think the Hero of Jattlanta is stupid.
Well, the Thane of Starrkarth is on to your little game, Joe Boogerman!
It took the Mayor of ManJattan hours upon hours of traveling down the sordid, twisted rabbit hole that is the Internet. It is there that the Jattvian Prince discovered the truth. The truth about Area 51 and your involvement and how you plan on enacting your alleged “revenge” on the Baron of Boca Jatton because you allege there were some questionable officiating during the HOW Tag Team Championship match at “ICONIC”.
According to the Cabal of Truthseekers, on their official message boards, poster “demonicmh666” states that Steve Harrison, in fact retired from the HOW on January 1, 2023. He chose to focus on his music by joining a Jugband in West Virginia called “Deliverance from Squealing”. A fact supported by poster “freakyfeetlvr69”, whom I suspect is Jace Parker Davidson, corraborates that fact.
But! It is a post by “hotscullyx” and corroborated by “LossiRossiT” that brought it all together by reporting that it was about that time of this covered up retirement announcement by Steve Harrison, that North Kaelrean technology was stolen from Area 51, technology that would be used to create the ultimate spy, the ability to change one’s appearance like in that “Twilight Zone” episode about the guy who could change his face, the Starrabian Knight believes the episode was called “A Stop at Willoughby”. How the shapeshifting device came to Area 51 is up for debate. Some say it was sold to the U.S. government by a deranged scientist who owed money to the Russian mob, others say it was obtained during a top secret C.I.A. mission referred to as “Operation Orthrus”, no one truly knows for sure.
But they all agree, it was stolen. And…guess who was in Arizona at that time? Joseph Bergman.
You are one weaselly mofo, Joe. Oh sure, you gave your little press conference inferring that you wanted no part of the HOW, that you were looking forward to free agency. That the only way you would stay is Lee Best opened his coffers and dumped a big old pile of money in your lap. That makes you a whore, Joe.
And not just a whore, but greedy and petty as well. Aside from the financial boost you received from Uncle Lee, it just tears you apart inside knowing that Sultan of SeaJattle got the better of you. Not only did the Rembrandt of Wrestling show guts and determination and other strong virile words to explain my vast superiority over the common man by not submitting or passing out from that chokehold…nay, stranglehold…that was the one moment where you could have walked away with the LSD Championship. But then, you had another shot, didn’t you?
The Tag Team Title match! We know how that went. You threw out the rulebook. Quite literally, you ripped it from my hands and tossed it aside like it were “E.T.” for the Atari. Trust me, I would love nothing more than to claim that the Ruler of Jattlantis is the reason you lost the HOW Tag Team Championship match. But, then Steve Solex nearly decapitated you.
The Earl of GlouStarr has to say, all this bad karma, it’s on you, Boogerman.
But the Sheriff of Jattingham is getting sidetracked here….it is important to explain the significance of Area 51. Although, you probably already know that I know what you did.
You are so obsessed with the Jattlantic City Idol, you plan to use this shape shifting technology invented by Max Kael’s mad scientist team….
….and do not think for one second that El Jattador de Starrcelona believes that Max Kael is really dead, that could have been an acolyte to the Minister or some unknowing patsy that was pressured into using the shapeshifting technology. The DNA sample I picked up from the “Rumble at the Rock” murder last October came back inconclusive. For all we know, Max Kael was really Sutler Kael all shapeshiftery….
…..The Sultan of SeaJattle digresses….anyway, you intend to use the shape shifting technology to morph yourself into a Steve Harrison clone in hopes that you would defeat the Rembrandt of Wrestling thereby eliminating me from the HOW Championship tournament. At first, it seemed outlandish, but is it? With Multiverses, Eris Portals, Kostoff having more lives than an animal shelter full of cats, and Max Kael had a time machine so…..
It kind of all fell into place at that point.
A smart play. Dare I say, a brilliant gambit. You know the Grand Overlord of Jatturn would be in the film room watching Steve Harrison matches, looking for weaknesses to exploit, watching his moves, paying attention to even the smallest of cadences, developing a surefire way to counter the Harricle….only for “Steve Harrison” to break out the Joe Bergman offense completely catching me off guard.
Well, that idea, much like “ICONIC”, was an epic fail. What you failed to count on is that your well laid plans are no match for the superior intellect of the Duke of Jattmandu!
Well, Joe, the King of Grapple from the Big Apple figured it out and I got bad news for you. When you come down the ring at “Chaos” all “Steve Harrisoned” up, I am going to beat you within an inch of your depraved, petty, malicious little life. You think the beating the Ruler of Jattlantis gave you with that lead pipe a few months ago was bad? You will wish a beating that light. I am going to abuse you, Joe, worse than you abuse the laws of ethics, morality, the state, the government, and physics.
I want you lying in a hospital room in a full body cast watching your local news station as your hometown has a parade for me, celebrating that the Savior of Starrkham defeated the malevolence that has tarnished that town’s good name!
Oh, how ashamed they are knowing crimes you’ve committed in your life. The hushed silences when they speak your name as if you were some kind of Boogeyman.
And then…..
On January 24, 2023, during the celebration, Mayor Who’s-a-Ma-Call-Him-or-Her, will announce that they have changed the name of the town from Plattin, Missouri to Jattin, Missouri in my honor. They will name sandwiches after me, barbeque sauces, streets, and maybe even a wing in the local hospital. The local yokels will crowd around the Starrpathian Lord, their lives infinitely better by breathing the same air as I.
Oh, and let’s not forget, the hottest chicks in Plattin…I mean, “Jattin”….both of them want to take turns riding the Starrlite bSexpress, which won’t happen since I am dating a late nineties-early two thousands scream queen. There will be applications to make January 22 an honorary Missouri holiday commemorating the day Jatt Starr ended the career of the nun flashing, drug pushing, Halloween candy stealing, Santa threatening, litterbugging, sex trafficking, potential Communist circa late nineteen forties, cockfighting ringleading, homeless brawls promoting, dog kicking, possible murderer, habitual jaywalking, technology thief….Joe Bergman…who will be in the guise of Steve Harrison.
The Jattin Liberator. Has a nice little ring to it, don’t you think?