Your Father Looked Like Alfred E. Neuman’s Love Child

Your Father Looked Like Alfred E. Neuman’s Love Child

Posted on January 20, 2021 at 4:24 pm by Dan Ryan

I heard your stand up jokes. I’m not a chef, but boyardee’s jokes corny.

That’s a corny joke about corny jokes, Sutler.

Don’t worry, kid. We’re just getting started.

It’s a little awkward, this. There’s so much history wrapped up in you. Your father, your other father, abductions and lost childhoods. I’m not sure I have the family tree straight, adopted or biological. There are a lot of hyphens, I know that.

And I know people have been giving you shit. A last name like that opens doors, but it also brings some expectations. I’d say you’re a welcome sight though. You’re not Max Kael. You’re like oatmeal. Yeah, it’s not what everyone really wanted, and it’s boring and looks like mush, but it’ll help you poo better, and right now that’s what we really need. When the world gives you shit, make shit-ade, Sutler. That’s what I say… as of just now.

It was a rocky road with Max, you know. Equal parts hate, respect, occasional indifference, violence, vindictiveness, a cult leader’s charisma, and an unmatched meanness when he wanted. All of these positive qualities made for a very interesting relationship between the two of us. It was a hard road these last two years, from adversaries to tolerating each other, from harsh insults to less harsh insults. Quite a ride. Sure there was plenty of blood spilled, plenty of things said you might not think could be taken back, broken bones, stabbings, and such, but aside from all of those great moments, I think what makes it all worth it is the friends we made along the way.

I see hope from you though. You survived the job squad at ICONIC while I was losing to Uncle Mike…. again. And you experienced your first taste of Lee Best pulling the rug right out from under you once he changed his mind on that whole ‘choose your group’ bullshit. Post-match changes to stipulations and promises. Get used to that, kid.

You softened Darin Matthews up for me a little bit, that spawn of a tryst between a suspicious-looking beaver and a Taco Bell Seven Layer Burrito. He always gives it his best ‘better than expected’ shot, doesn’t he? If try-hard were a person, it would be him. He looks and acts like if a Make-a-Wish kid wished he was big.

And by the way, I’d be careful with your post-match rewards if I were you. Just some friendly advice, which I’m sure Mike has given as well, given his own run-ins with suspicious beaver. Better make sure Auntie isn’t slipping some underage tail your way and setting you up for failure. Groupie ass was never really my thing, but here’s a tip that Eric Dane once gave me, which based on his track record in making life choices, I doubt he actually adhered to himself…. It’s not always easy to know if those groupies are underage, so a helpful hint, if you have to make the airplane noise to get your cock in her mouth, she’s probably too young. Opening up wide for “here comes the airpwaaaane!!” isn’t cute. It’s a red flag.

These are important things to remember, Sutler. I tell you these things because on some level I want you to do well. But also, I want to rip your face off in the octagon this week, and I want to find out what it sounds like to hear your bones snap. Everyone recognizes your brand name, but as far as I’m concerned this week, you’re just like everyone else, and if it comes to it, I can’t promise I won’t kill ya the way Uncy Mike killed daddy.

You’re in my way. And no tacit understanding I had with your late father is going to stop me from turning your hide into a new rug for my den.

But I won’t hold you to your name, Sutler. You aren’t Max Kael. You’re still trying to figure out who you are, and still trying to figure out who to trust and what to do, but I’m watching. Even beyond this match, I’m watching. No, you aren’t Max Kael. But who knows what you will be?

There’s plenty of time to figure it all out. You’re a smart boy. But in all your training, don’t neglect your mental cardio, my friend. There’s a lot coming your way, and this is only part of it.

Believe me…

We’re just getting started.