You Are Not the Father!

You Are Not the Father!

Posted on April 16, 2020 at 10:34 pm by Joe Bergman

Laura Bergman’s OB-GYN’s Office
August 15th, 2020

Laying back in the chair, Laura Bergman shivers from the thin layer of gel that the nurse places directly on her skin.   The gel helps transmit the ultrasound waves from the transducer into the body.

Pro wrestler and all around good guy Joe Bergman stands nearby.  He waits in anticipation.  Today is THE big day.  The day the Bergmans find out whether they are having a boy or a girl.

Joe Bergman: This is your ultrasound.  How far are you along?

The nurse finishes up gelling up Laura’s ample stomach.

Nurse: She’s twenty-eight weeks Mr. Bergman.

Laura beams.  It’s just about that time.

Joe watches the monitor with anticipation.  The nurse places the transducer on Laura’s stomach and it begins.  The monitor comes alive and shows all kinds of weird inner body stuff.

Then then nurse zeroes in on the child.

Laura Bergman: Joe?

Joe: I see it.

The child looks normal.  It’s on its side at the moment so the nurse maneuvers the transducer around to get a clearer look at the body.

The nurse finds a tell-tale sign of what the sex of the child is.

Nurse: it’s a boy!

Laura Bergman: A boy!  How do you know?

Close up of the monitor.  The child grips a mini-can of Pabst Blue Ribbon in its tiny hand.

Laura Bergman: Oh.

Joe grins from ear to ear.

Joe Bergman: Wow!

Nurse: All right.  Now let’s see if we can get a good view of the face.

She goes to work with the transducer and hopes she can catch the baby at the best possible moment.

Joe rubs his hands together and gives his wife the most loving look possible.

Joe Bergman: Honey.

Laura Bergman: Yes Joe.

Joe Bergman: Nothing could ruin this moment.

Laura nods.

Joe Bergman: This is very special-

The door to the examination room opens and close.

Joe recognizes the person. It’s Rah’s announcer guy dressed in a suit and bow-tie.

Joe Bergman: What the-

The announcer guy gestures for the Nurse to take a temporary powder because he’s the one who’s been given the honor and privilege of introducing a living deity.

Announcer Guy: Hit it!

Over the loudspeaker, a buzzing synth sound blares and the announcer guy raises the microphone to his mouth.

Announcer Guy (in a voice not unlike Michael Buffer): Ladies and gentlemen. I present to you the almost universally-worshipped king of the sun gods of all creation. He commands the chariot that rode across the sky during the day. He is the great, fiery globe in the sky, a welcome, nurturing presence to honor the season. He is the inspiration for those who would throw virgins into the gaping maw of a volcano – perhaps an Icelandic volcano – even though such shenanigans haven’t been acceptable since the 1950s. And just for your reference, he is, for 33 years in a row, proven to be one of UC San Diego‘s most enduring traditions in the Sun God festival- an all-day music festival celebrated by more than 20,000 students, alumni and friends. But that’s not important.

He pauses and looks over at Laura as the lights turn off.  A small spotlight illuminates the hallway outside the examination room where the BeachBronze Suntan Bikini Girls are peering through the window.

Two large, hulking men carry out a golden sedan chair holding a six foot eight inch, two hundred and eighty pound man dressed in long flowing robes into the room.

Announcer Guy: Either way, you should thank your lucky stars and kiss his royal ass for gracing you with his presence here tonight. I give to you…the reason the Earth doesn‘t float away in the vastness of space…the reason it’s eighty degrees outside and not minus four hundred and fifty-nine point six seven…and the reason Brian Wilson wrote all those great songs…ladies and gentlemen…bow down before the Sunshine God…

Rah’s friend and middle-aged folk singer Happy Mango follows strumming a guitar along with the omnipresent Bob Nye- Foot Fetish Guy.


The procession stops just inside the examination room. Rah climbs out of his golden sedan chair holding a teddy bear and a video camera.  He coolly removes the sunglasses from his face and places them in a pocket in his robe.

Close up on Joe’s face.  Confusion.  Bewilderment.

Joe Bergman (to Rah): Wha- . . . what are you doing here?

Joe turns his head back towards his wife.

Joe Bergman: What is he doing here?

All of a sudden, Laura looks like the girl who’s just been caught with her hand in the cookie jar.

Laura Bergman (evasive): Ohhhhh . . . I don’t know.

Rah looks past Joe and points the camera at Laura.

Rah: You didn’t tell him?

Alarmed, Joe again turns back to her.

Joe Bergman: Tell me?  Tell me what?

Laura doesn’t answer.  She does that thing where she closes her mouth tight and does a slight shake of the head.

Joe Bergman: Tell me what?

Rah strikes a regal pose.  Or as much of a regal pose that Rah can strike.

Rah (almost sheepishly): Um.  Rah is the father.

Dumbfounded, Joe tries to respond with as much dignity as he can muster up.

Joe Bergman:  Of . . . of what?

Rah points the camera towards Laura’s stomach.

Laura awkwardly smiles.  She lays her head back knowing that she’s been busted.

Meanwhile, the nurse tries to go on with the ultrasound.

Joe Bergman: No, you’re not.  That would mean that you would had to have-

Joe stops.  Quick snap of the head back.  Then he eyes Rah with disgust.  Wagging his finger at the Sunshine God . . .

Joe Bergman: You promised me you were going to stop fucking my wife!

The Studio Audience That’s Mysteriously Just Appeared: OHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

Rah shrugs.

Joe again turns his head towards his wife.

Joe Bergman: LAURA!

Laura raises both hands up.

Laura Bergman: This is really just between you two guys.

Joe Bergman: WHAT?

Laura Bergman: Yeah.  I don’t really want to get in the middle of this.

She shakes her head for real.

Laura Bergman: It’s really none of my business.

Joe Bergman: None of your business?

Joe’s voice hits full incredulousness.

Joe Bergman: What do you mean it’s none of your business!?

Nurse: OH MY GOD!

Joe’s head whips around.

Joe Bergman (snaps at the nurse): WHAT!

Nurse: There’s something licking my foot!

Everyone looks down.  It’s Bob Nye-Foot Fetish Guy up to no good again.

All: BOB!

Smiling, Bob crawls away from the nurse’s foot.

Rah: Rah has an idea.  Perhaps, we should let the baby decide who is the father.

Rah turns his head away from Joe.

Rah: Of course, he’ll choose me.

Joe Bergman: The baby decide?  We’re going to let the baby decide?  Really?

Rah goes over to Laura and starts talking to the unborn child.

Rah: Hello baby!

The nurse pulls away from the monitor.

Nurse: Boys.  I’ve got some bad news.

Rah and Joe stop their bickering for a second.

Nurse: Look.

Joe takes a step forward.  He can’t believe what he’s seeing.

Rah takes a step forward.  HE can’t believe what he’s seeing.

Close up on the monitor.  The child turns his head so everyone can see the front of his face.

Under normal circumstance, the parents would be thrilled to see the face of their soon-to-be newborn child.

But today, today is a different story.

The child looks like a normal boy- except for one minor thing.

Joe Bergman: What the-

One minor MAJOR thing.

Joe Bergman: That’s Solex’s moustache!

That’s right.  The moustache.

Rah’s eyebrows rise up.

Rah: Yes.  I demand to know what is our child doing with Steven Solex’s moustache?

And the smile.  And the hair.

Joe turns to Laura and gives her an accusatory glare.

Joe Bergman: What the hell is this?

Now on the defensive, Laura sputters and stammers and manages not to say a single thing.

Then …

The door opens and closes.

Nurse: Maury Povich?

That’s right, Maury Povich.  Host of a syndicated American tabloid talk show.

Joe gets a sinking feeling in his stomach.


Paternity testing is one of the more famous themes associated with the Maury Povich Show.   You see, a mother will come onto the show and claim a particular man is the biological father of her child or children.  The mother often brings the child or her children onto the show to try and prove her claim’s validity.

Joe Bergman: Son of a bitch.

Povich has a large manila envelope from the DDC DNA Diagnostic Center in his hand.

Maury Povich: Ladies and gentlemen.

He pulls out the results on a sheet of paper and scans through the report.

Maury Povich: When it comes to this unborn child.

. . .

Maury pauses for maximum dramatic effect.

. . .

Maury points at Joe – then Rah – then Joe again – then Rah again – and then . . .

Maury Povich:  YOU!

Povich points at Bob Nye-Foot Fetish Guy- perched at the end of the chair and drooling on Laura’s feet.


Bob Nye-Foot Fetish Guy: YES!  YES!  YES!

He immediately starts kissing Laura’s feet.


The Bergman’s Temporary House Trailer
Plattin, Missouri
Early Thursday Morning April 16th– 3:00 AM

The bedroom is pitch black except for a small red light that indicates that HOTv’s camera guy is also inside the bedroom.  He’s not ready for what’s about to happen.


The camera guy nearly drops the camera as Laura shoots up to a sitting position in bed.  Back straight as a board.



Joe’s sleepy voice breaks the silence.

Joe Bergman: Well. This is a switch.

Laura smacks him on the back.

Laura Bergman: Shut up.

Joe Bergman: Honey, what do I keep telling you about staying up all night and binge watching all the Hallmark movies.

Laura Bergman: I wasn’t up all night binge watching Hallmark movies.

Joe Bergman: Really?  And what were those empty Hallmark DVD containers I found all over the floor?

Laura Bergman: All right.  So I stayed up all night binge watching a bunch of Hallmark movies.

A small lamp on the end table by the bed turns on.

Laura Bergman: I just had the worst dream ever.

Joe Bergman: Oh.  It wasn’t the one about the time we went to the Winger Reunion Concert and we were the only ones there.

Laura Bergman: No.

Joe Bergman: The one where Sarah Palin’s shooting up everything in sight?

Now Laura’s getting a little irritated.

Laura Bergman: NO!  And there’s no fire breathing dragons setting everything on fire either.

Laura exhales and talks for the next few seconds without taking a breath.

Laura Bergman: It was terrible.  I was at the doctor’s office with you.  The nurse was doing an ultrasound.  Rah came into the examination room.  He said he was the father of our child and then the ultrasound showed that the baby had Steven Solex’s moustache and then Maury Povich came into the room and said Bob Nye-Foot Fetish Guy was the father of the child. . .

She runs out of breath.

But Joe’s impressed.

Joe Bergman: That’s a lot of information to process in a short period of time.  Rah, huh?

Laura smacks him again.

Joe Bergman: I mean, it’s not as good as Sarah Palin blowing the head off an oversized duck with a high powered shotgun but still pretty good.

Laura puts her head on his shoulder.

Joe Bergman: What’s wrong?

Laura Bergman: It’s probably just nerves and . . .

She points to her expanding belly.

Joe Bergman: Okay.  I’m here for you.

Laura Bergman: We’ve walked this road together for over twelve years.

Joe nods.

Laura Bergman: We both had dreams.  You wanted to be a wrestler so I supported you every step of the way from PCW to all the small independent companies I worked in, Missouri Valley Wrestling, and now High Octane Wrestling.

Joe nods again.

Joe Bergman: Yes you have.  And I’ve tried to support you in your jobs as well.  Especially running the business office at MVW.  I know you’ve wanted to start a family for a while now but we waited until the time was right.  Now that both of us are working for really good companies, the time is right.

Laura Bergman: But now everything’s about to change, Joe.

Joe Bergman: I know.  I had no idea you were banging Rah-


Joe Bergman: OW!

Joe playfully recoils from Laura well-directed open hands chop that stings his chest.  Somewhere, someone shouts out ‘WOOOOOOOOO!’

Laura Bergman: I’m serious, Joe.  Once the baby gets here, everything changes.  It’s not going to be just you and me anymore.  And we’re going to have to make adjustments . . . refocus our lives.

Joe Bergman: I know.

Laura Bergman: And that doesn’t scare you a little?

Joe Bergman: Sure it does.  But it’ll be okay.  Since I took on the part-time gig with MVW helping out the younger talent and the enhancement folks, I’m not working independent shows on my off-weeks from HOW any more.  So I’m home more already than I’ve been for a long time.

Laura Bergman: And I certainly won’t be going out to as many house shows as I did before.

Joe Bergman: We’ll adjust.  We’ll get by.  Most of all . . .

He bends forward and kisses her on the forehead.

Joe Bergman: . . . we’ll be a family.

The Next Morning . . .

Behind the new house under construction on the Bergman’s one acre plat of land bordered by trees on three sides, a pole barn had been built to house some of Joe and Laura’s belongings that wouldn’t fit in the temporary house trailer.

Also in the barn?  A wrestling ring.

With Joe taking on the part time gig of mentoring and working with some of the young, up and coming wrestlers and the enhancement talent, he decided that putting a wrestling ring inside a pole barn would be a good idea.

After the morning workout, Joe’s in the ring, acting the part of the emcee.  Laura’s with him, working from home, but taking time out to film the matches for Joe.

Joe Bergman: All right ladies and gentlemen.  Our next match will be one fall-

The fifteen wrestlers surrounding the ring suddenly shout back . . .

All: ONE fall!

Joe Bergman: And will be a six man rumble.  Introducing first . . .Mr. Gas!

Out walks a guy dressed up in 1950’s service station attendant.

Joe Bergman: Mr. Gas.

Mr. Gas walks by Laura.

Mr. Gas: Can I check your oil, ma’am?

Laura shakes her head no.

Joe Bergman: Hey keep moving!

Mr. Gas goes to his corner.

Joe Bergman: Next . . .

KC and the Sunshine Band’s classic ‘Shake Your Booty’ begins to play, the lights dim, and a disco ball spins making various light patterns inside the building.

Joe Bergman: He is the ’Disco Loving, Jet Setting International Playboy from the East’ Sheik Yourbouti!

Sheik Yourbouti comes out in full regalia.  He does a few moves stolen from Saturday Night Fever while walking to the ring.

He tries to dance with Laura – Laura’s not feeling it so the Sheik goes on to the ring and does a few classic disco moves.

Joe Bergman: Okay.  And now entering the ring.

*Glass breaking*

Joe Bergman: What?

Duh-duh  duh-DUH-duh

Joe Bergman:  Oh no way.

A tall thin man stumbles over to Joe wearing a baseball cap, glasses, a fanny pack, and drinking a beer.  The man straightens up so we can see ‘Urkel 3:16’ lettered on the front of his black t-shirt.

Joe Bergman: Wait a minute.  Who let Stone Cold Steve Urkel in here?

Joe watches him open up said can of beer and drink it down.

Joe Bergman: Shouldn’t you be in New Jersey, huh?  What the hell . . .

Fade to . . .


Family means everything.

That’s why Laura and I went in Fort Stockton, Texas on a Monday night earlier in the week cheering on one of our own- Dawn McGill, from inside a strip club – the last place in the world my wife would like to be.

Laura and I could have stayed at home in Missouri and watched the show from the comfort of our temporary digs while our house is being built.  We didn’t have to travel across the country just to watch the show on a big screen. 

So why are we here?  Because Ray and Dark asked us to come out. 

Because.  It’s all about family. 

For two great years at Missouri Valley Wrestling, these people were my family.  Actually, our family.  McAvay, McAvay’s Les Miserables, McGill, Rah, Charlie Blackwell, and all the others – we worked together with a common purpose.  Every night we showed up in Salina, Kansas, Effingham, Illinois, Valparaiso, Indiana, Murray, Kentucky, Kearney, Nebraska – no matter where we were – we had good times.  We had bad times.  We picked each other up when the things didn’t go the way we hoped they would.  We barnstormed from city to city every weekend all over the Midwest to perform before hundreds and thousands of fans.

We were family. 

When I left that family and signed on with High Octane Wrestling, it was one of the hardest things I’ve ever done.  I went to a place where I knew no one.  They looked at me a little sideways because of the whole bad breath gimmick and quite frankly everyone saw me as comedy mid-card guy. 

And then we won the title. 

Whoops.  No one saw *that* coming.

I kept in contact with the folks in MVW which wasn’t that hard to do once my wife took over the Chief Business Officer position.  And now, I’m helping them out when I can with a new crop of young talent and building them up- another new family.

But somewhere along the way in HOW, I developed a new family there as well.  The people.  The fans of HOW.  The ones who got behind me from day one.  The one who cheered the night I beat Brian Hollywood.  The ones who cheered the night I defeated John Sektor.  I am one of them.  I continue to be one of them.  An ordinary guy swimming in incredibly shark-infested waters known as HOW with the best wrestling talent you’ll see collected in one company. 

Now, I’ve joined up with #1 Dad Steven Solex and formed a tag team called PBR.  Another step forward.  Another new family formed. 

But the ultimate family is Laura and soon our child.