Xander’s name has a red underline

Xander’s name has a red underline

Posted on January 26, 2021 at 12:07 am by Simon Loveless

Me and Missy are headed out on a long road trip.  I brought the chips.








That’s the goddamn magic song from Cinderella, Missy.

“Yes Simon, and in this case it is also the activating mechanism on the time traveling device you decided to have me invent five minutes ago while I was watching Chopped.  I didn’t even get to see who was on the chopping block either.  So, once again boola bibbidi-bobbidi-boo.  And off we go to the future!”

The future? I wanted to go to the past and see if I couldn’t stop my parents from drunkenly banging.  As  my father told me for years, had he only had one less drink that night he probably would have remembered to put the condom on.  I love that story when he brings it up at every single Thanksgiving.

“Nope, we’re going to the future!  Only one way is possible with time travel and that’s forward.  That’s just quantum mechanics, everyone knows that.”

Quantum mech– what the hell are you reading on Instagram these days?  Anyway, how will we know when this thing works, Missy?  How will we know when this thing is able to take us to our destination?  You know, just seconds before the Sun expands and engulfs the Earth and everything that ever was is wiped out here on this planet.  There’s not a lot of motion in time travel, is there?  You know I get car sick, Missy. 

Unless… I get to play my jams!

“I’m not listening to ‘High Hopes’ over and over again.  Besides, this is my time machine and I get to pick the music.”

This ride sucks.  Are we there yet?  

“No, we’re traveling five billion years into the future it takes some time.”

Are we there yet?

Oh, shit I forgot the chips!  Can we go back for them?

“No, as I said before you can only ever go forward in time.  Never backwards.”

They were Cheddar and Sour Cream Ruffles, though.

“Never.  Backwards.”

Oh shit.  Did we just pass the crossroads?  

I was destined to meet Xander Azula there and watch him finish in a glory hole or something.  I know we can’t go backwards, you’ve clearly defined those rules Missy.  But can we at least slow down a little bit?  I don’t want to miss things like the crossroads again.  That sounded important to Xander.  I don’t know it’s all psycho-babble to me at this point from him.  Maybe it would be wise, since we’re time traveling and all, to stop and see the night I win the hashtag-DeNucci Cup first so I could– oh, better idea, let’s see what the winning numbers to the Powerball are!  Imagine me buying HOW off of Lee Best?  Now that’d be a glory hole I’d like to finish in.

Are we there yet, Missy?

You’re no longer talking to me, I take it.  I mean it’s not like you’re too busy driving since you’re checking Instagram once again.  Well, that’s fine.  I can deal with that.  


…still dealing.

Are we there yet?

“No, and stop asking already.”

I just can’t wait to get to the end of Earth.  Do you know why, Missy?  Because right before the Sun rises over the horizon on the very last day on Earth and engulfs the planet in flames I am going to prove that the Eternal Circle isn’t actually eternal at all and that Xander Azula is simply talking out of his ass making things up to sound edgy.  I’ll not only have trashed the dude’s entire past, but then I’ll be trashing his entire future.  I’ll be permanently living in Xander’s head from this point until the end of time.

Speaking of which, I have a feeling we’re there.

All I’ve got to do is get out of the time machine and look around for any members of the Eternal Circle who might just be wandering around.  But, you and I both know there won’t be any walking around because the only thing that will be eternal is the memory that on the night Simon Loveless won the DeNucci Cup the entire locker room of HOW, and Lee Best himself collectively shit their pants in perfect unison.  That’ll be truly eternal.

Oh shit, Missy.  You said we could never get back.  How are we going to get back before Saturday night?

“Because just like goddesses, time travel is not real.” 

“And Simon, you fell asleep on the toilet again.”