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Cool motivational speech.
Put it onto poster and shut the fuck up. I don’t care about your journey into adulthood, you intellectual fart receptacle. I’m not gonna ask you if that’s the best you got, Xander, because I literally don’t care. As a human being, you are so beneath me that I think I’m legally allowed to own you as a pet. You are a weird, sad amalgamation of a man who only exists because his mother was hard up for rent. Though I guess I have to be clear that I’m not your father, since you literally just called me daddy.
Let me run that back.
HE LITERALLY DESCRIBED ME AS DADDY.
That’s it, pack it up, apparently this post will not be necessary either. I didn’t even even have to proclaim my ownership over the boy, he literally sonned HIMSELF. Every word I can think of to describe that promo is banned from HOW, so I’m just gonna tell you that it was bad. It was really bad. You talk about me like I’m a God, and you’re right, but Jesus dude that was a love letter. You wanna fight me or fuck me? Did all that talk about stuffing you full of Best Babies get you hot and bothered? Did it touch on the part of you that needs a hug?
I HAVE BEEN WAITING FOR YOU MICHAEL.
Jesus Christ man, put down the boombox, you John Cusak sounding motherfucker. I’m not your Daddy, I’m not your friend, I’m not your hero. I’m the bully on the playground that is gonna shove your face in the dirt and send you home with a broken arm. I’m the boss who is gonna fuck your girlfriend at the company Christmas party and then threaten your job if you retaliate. I’m a fucking mean guy, Xander, and I’ve had a lot of pent up aggression inside of me for a long time with absolutely no method of outlet.
Until now.
Until you.
If you think losing to me twice broke your spirit, wait until I hit the trifecta on your spooky ass and finish my career properly at ICONIC. Wait until I paint the cage 97 Red and finish what I started two one-sided HOFC matches ago. You say that losing to me has been a pain in your soul? Well, leaving you alive has been a pain in mine. But I’m nothing if not a man who learns from his mistakes.
Bawwww losing was so hard I almost walked away!
Why the fuck didn’t you? Why are you still here? Why did you walk my entire unsanctioned path and beg me like Keith Sweat for one more opportunity to die in the fucking ring? Are you stupid or just so blindly unearnedly confident that you sincerely think anything is going to be different this time? This isn’t rhetorical, Xander, I’m sincerely curious. What exactly do you think that you’re bringing to the table this time that is going to change the inevitable outcome?
What makes you think you can beat me now?
Is it because you think I’m rusty? Because I’ll tell you right now that while I may not have a heart, that’s where my similarities to the fucking Tin Man end, Dorothy. You’re still in Kansas, I am a fucking tornado, and every thought in that thick skull of yours about beating me is a fevered dream. I’m gonna yeet you and that smiley face tattoo over the fucking rainbow. I’m gonna drop a fucking house on you. Click your heels together three times and go the fuck home, Xander, and take Toto with you.
WIZARD OF OZ BARS.
I’m literally sitting on my toilet right now, shitting on you. It’s almost TOO on the nose. You fucking dingleberry on my taint. I’m gonna have to spit on the paper just to wipe you off the face of the earth, because you cling to the fine hairs on my asshole like a needy little turd. I almost voted for you in the Hall of Fame this year as some kind of Make A Wish, since it’s clear that you’re going to die soon, but it turns out that you have to physically be a child to qualify, not just have the mental capacity of a twelve year old.
You fucking goober.
I’m gonna punch you till it stops being fun.
Maybe ICONIC should go two nights.