Guten Tag… Willkommen in der HOW Orientierungsklasse. I, Mr. Cooley, will be your instructor, The Hardcore Artist, HOW Hall of Famer and professional alcoholic… Scottywood. I’ve been tasked with introducing you to the unique world that is HOW. A wrestling fed that has proven not to be for everyone. We’ve had rookie come in and thrive… and we have had legends come and die. The later to this day still get roasted on Twitter by Mike Best on a seemingly daily basis. So let me start you off with the Golden… or #97Red Rule of HOW.
Don’t piss off Mike Best. I once made a joke about ugly his nipples look and he hasn’t liked me since. Or it was something like that… as I said, professional alcoholic, so some of the details of history get a bit blurry.
Und du warst für die Titel Historie verantwortlich?
I didn’t have to remember the title histories, I just wrote them down in essentially a spreadsheet.
Rule number two… and he’ll probably be pissed it isn’t number one… but don’t piss off Lee Best.
Wann hast du das jemals befolgt?
I never said I was the HOW valedictorian of rule following. But maybe Mr. Cooley can learn from my mistakes. Plus I am one hundred percent on team Lee again. I even dug out one of my old Best Alliance t-shirts. You all forget that I debuted in HOW at War Games on The Best…
Ja, die Geschichte haben wir schon hundertmal gehört.
Ok, fine, you do remember. Rule number three… we have all learned how to cheat death. Now this one is very important for Captain Chaos here, so pay close attention Butters. You might think that you’re gonna waltz in here to HOW and unleash chaos… which you so kindly defined as mass fucking murder. Oooooohhhhhh, so fucking edgy… and kudos to hitting one of many cliches in your opening promo. The I defined this fucking word for all your idiots cliche. You think a place that has a show literally named Chaos doesn’t know the fucking definition of it?
Vielleicht hat er versucht clever zu sein…
Clever? No, the dude is a fucking donkey. Trying to act all COOL by telling a story about how he fucked some man’s wife at a kid’s birthday party. Did we double check and make sure this isn’t Jiles? That really sounds like a story that Jiles would tell.
Nein, es ist nicht Jiles
Fine… guess he’s just some cardboard cutout rip off version? Cause at least Jiles’ story would make sense… I mean what mom has time to get into full dominatrix gear at their kid’s party? I know we are all creative people in this business, but you sure as hell took creative licensing to a whole new level for something that was likely just a sad handjob behind the bouncy castle.
Geht das nicht zu weit?
No, not at all too far, cause lesson four is that no one here in HOW is a good person. We are all the worst of the worst, including that fucking bastard Conor Fuse. The man holding the one thing I have come back to HOW to reclaim, mein Schatzi, Das LSD Title.
So while this might not be a rule, understand what my sole focus is in HOW. I don’t give a fuck about anything… or anyone… unless they can get her back into my arms. You stand in my way… and I’ll show you the true fucking definition of the word anarchy better than any dictionary can. Orientation is going to come quickly and we will see if you are one of the rare few who can survive in this jungle… or if like so many others, you will fail.
In Deutschland, Scheitern ist keine Option!
Nein… failure is not an option. I can not fail you. I WILL NOT FUCKIGN FAIL YOU!
Breathe… Drink… Save that anger for that second rather Jiles. Speaking of Jiles… speaking of former friends…
Rule fünf… five, friendships mean shit in HOW. A friend is just someone waiting for a time to turn on you and stab you in the back for their own fucking furtherment.
Oh, wie damals, als Carey dich den Weltmeistertitel kostete. Diese verdammte Fotze!
Haha… thanks for opening that wound… I should have won the World Title… so yeah, shit like that blows in HOW and it ruins your fucking trust. That is why when you find someone that you can trust… someone like you Schatzi… you will go to the end of the fucking world for them.
So as we pass the HOFC limits here… it’s time for the orientation to end Mr Cooley. I wish you the best of luck in your journey here in HOW. I hope that stepping into the ring with me for this Hardcore match doesn’t scare you too badly. But let me make something crystal fucking clear. If you think this is some kind of joke… if you think that just because I have red dreadlocks and some obnoxious tattoos that I am not a fucking danger… then you will not make it fucking minute here in HOW.
Hardcore rules means I have carte blanc in that ring to make you beg for the Geneva Convention to apply. You think you can handle pain cause some dominatrix fondled your fucking balls with a riding crop? Just wait until I I shred your fucking dick with a barbed wire hockey stick.
Yeah, this shit ain’t no fucking fairy tale and I will take my pound of fucking flesh from you in that ring. You think I have survived in HOW for fifteen years by not inflicting pain in ways that one can only imagine in their nightmares?
Und Vergnügen, von dem ich nur träumen kann
Just wait until I have my hands on you again. That shit isn’t gonna be safe for even HOW to air.
Of course when in Denver, The Hardcore Artist has to visit the one true German brewery in the city, Bierstadt Lagerhaus where he has ein Maß… a liter of Helles beer. Across the table from him sits a glass of the slow pull pilsner. While there is no one there… Scotty looks across the table as if the love of his life is sitting there.
“Prost Schatzi” says Scotty as he raises his stein to the glass across from him before taking a large drink.
“It’s never easy here in HOW… and the road to get back to you is going to be tough. I still think I have what it takes, but I am going to have to dig deep. Deeper than I have ever dug. Because at my age… at this point in my career, that drive is buried so fucking deep.”
Ich weiß, dass du mich finden wirst.
“Yes, I will find you and I will be with you once again. Because while I may have cheated death before, if I can’t have you in my arms, then what the fuck is the point. I am all out of deal with the devil, so I will have to do this on my own. I will have to find that old Scottywood that once was an actual danger here in HOW.”
Again Scotty takes a long drink from his stein as he contemplates the road ahead of him. It’s overwhelming as fuck… but if he can get to the lo th light at the end of the tunnel, then it will all be worth it. Sometimes the road to the destination is the true adventure… and sometimes it is just fucking hell you have to traverse to get to the glory. This is certainly a later case. I mean, no match with Jackoff Lukewarm is ever going to go on any career highlight reel.
But this is a match that needs to happen, the rust needs to be worn off and what better way than against some… well nobody, So let’s see what The Hardcore Artist has left in him. Let’s see what needs to be work on after his longest period ever out of the ring.
Viel Glück, mein Schatzi
“Danke schön Schatzi.” Smiles Scotty as he finishes his beer and slams it down on the table nearly breaking it.
“noch einer!” He yells as it makes it wonder if Scotty is more excited about the next beer on the way to his table… or the next match in HOW.