“From the ashes of sacrifice, The eGG Bandis will rise anew. We will become, and then we will overcome.” Content, I confidently stand, look down into the barrel, and address my scorched heart for the final time. “Rest easy knowing you will be the reason they forever rue the day. Revenge season is over. Avenge season is upon us. Goodbye, friend. Goodbye to you, and everything you stood for.”
I find myself standing next to the corner, peeking out. Looking at the back of my longtime friend, hearing his words as he stands there staring into the embers of the burn barrel. I hear the anguish, I feel the agony in his words.
CBD might have been just a simple piece of cardboard with an ugly face on it to most of you. But to Cancer Jiles and the rest of the guys, CBD was a Bandit. More so to Jiles though. You see, Jiles was the mastermind behind Cardboard Dan. CBD was like his baby, he watched him grow into something special. So to see his ashes pooling at the bottom of the barrel, I can sense the helplessness rising within him. As well as this sense of murdering rage bubbling forth.
Slowly I make my way towards my friend, trying to be as quiet as a mouse. A shame that this damn diaper gives away my approach, swish swishing my way forward, grimacing with every step. Jiles cocks his head and looks at me over his shoulder as I reach down and hold the injured area.
““It’s going to be okay.” I call out calmly as I take my place beside him. He turns his head back to the burn barrel without even acknowledging my presence. “We will get through this. Together. Like we always do.”
Normally I’d receive a smile, a nod, maybe even a chuckle as we reminisce on all the times we’ve gotten through difficult situations. But tonight? No, there will be no smiles from Cancer Jiles. There will be no chuckles filled with mirth. No nods of agreement. He simply stands there, brooding.
Looking at him, I am at a loss for words. In recent months I’ve relied on my friends to help pick me up. I’ve relied on Jiles to tell me everything is going to be okay. He has read to me while I was laid up in a coma. He cheered me on when I thought I was doomed facing MJ Flair. He’s reminded me of the times I’ve beaten Mike when I was crying at the injustice of always facing that P****y.
Now the shoes are on the other foot, and I don’t know what to say.
“It’s okay buddy, we can always get another CBD, my friend.” I offer, trying to sound helpful and cheery.
The Maestro slowly turns his head, while lowering his t-shades, staring at me with disgust. “Oh, can we? Can we also get another Bobby Dean? Maybe get another Doozer while we’re at it.”
Have I mentioned how awful I am at this?
The King of COOL turns his head back to the embers, brooding. My attempt seems to have darkened his mood even more. “Lines were crossed Bobby. You need to understand that. I know you were buddies with Mikey, but what he did to Cardboard Dan cannot go unanswered. I expect you to step up.”
“Step up?” I ask, confused.
He turns his full attention to me, as he turns his body to face me directly. I have a hard time meeting his eyes, due to the intensity I can imagine emanating from behind those shades of his. I keep looking down, shuffling from foot to foot, once again swishing with every little movement.
“It hasn’t been officially announced yet, but I’ve heard that our sacrificial lambs mindlessly walking to their slaughter at the next Refueled is none other than Brian Hollywood and Darin Matthews.” Cancer informs me, with an arrogant sneer forming. “They honestly bicker worse than any married couple I’ve ever heard of. I bet you that they can’t go a full week without wanting to tear the other’s throat out.”
“Oooooh? A wager you say?” I ask, smiling, as I wring my hands together. “I don’t know, they could finally put their history aside and get on the same page for once?”
“We’ve got three shows before we are finally able to get our hands on the Bruvs.” Jiles growls out to me, “Three chances to show them, and everyone else, what happens when you cross that line. I see Doozer embracing the inner animal in him. I see Zeb getting ready for a battle beyond imagination. And Rick? Well, we all know we can count on Rick to bring it. The only question any one of us has, is are you in? Are you capable to do what needs doing? Are you ready to defend the honor of our fallen brother?”
My head dips down, my eyes can’t seem to shift from my shoes. I can see Cancer is shaking his head with disappointment out of my peripheral. I pause in answering because I’m afraid to admit what I’m feeling.
I enjoy the fun and the games. I enjoy the laughter and comedy we provide. But I would be lying if I said I didn’t enjoy the raw animalistic fury I felt leading up to my bout with Mike Best. I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t looking forward to putting my hands on Darin Matthews and getting a little vengeance from the weasel for taking our tag titles last year.
The question shouldn’t be whether I’m in or not. The question should be, how far am I willing to go to get the job done.
“I’m in…” I say, lifting my head up to look him in the eye.
Darin, you say you can beat the Bandits with both arms tied behind your back? I, think, you are a liar, sir. If both hands were tied behind your back you’d be standing on the ring apron helpless and ineffective. Forced to simply stand there and watch, as Hollywood attempted to carry your dead weight to a potential victory.
No, you keep both your arms free. Because if anyone is going into this match handicapped it’s me dammit! I’ve already called dibs on it and you can’t take that away from me!
If the two of you beat the Bandits I hope you both feel horrible inside. Because you’ll have beaten up a grown man in a diaper, and a man who is suffering from a severe mental breakdown that has caused his hair to literally change colors!
The fact that you even want to put your hands on us after all the suffering we’ve endured, is just sickening. You really ought to feel ashamed of yourselves.
I know if I were booked against someone in my situation, someone in pain, someone who can barely walk, someone who is suffering through impotence at an early age! If I were facing someone so sad and downtrodden like me, I’d simply roll over and allow that man an easy victory. Because that man needs a little sunshine in his life.
You disgusting mongrels.
I feel like I’m watching a show on the Free-Form network. You know, those campy dramedies that pre-teen girls love to watch. Week after week I’m forced to watch and see if Darin “Don’t Call Me Zion” Matthews will finally get the courage to kiss Brian Hollywood. Will Brian Hollywood finally return Matthews’ phone call?
Darin is mad at Holly, but isn’t mad at Holly, but IS mad at Holly. Holly hates working with Darin but realizes that he’s alienated himself from everyone else, and Darin is the only one willing to put up with him. So he sticks around. But blames Matthews for his situation.
Both are trying to reclaim old glory days, that are long passed, hoping that they can pull an MJF or a Bobby Dean, and just win that *ONE* special match.
Meredith secretly has a thing for distinguished gentlemen with silver hair, and is worried Darin will find out that she creams her panties at the sight of Charles Jiles III.
Oh what a tangled web we weave, huh?
You two have been teaming for Kneesus only knows how many years. Oh, but hold on a second! That was when you were Darin Zion! Not Darin Matthews…
What’s in a Name, Darin?
You dropped the Zion, and picked up the Matthews. But by doing so, you’ve erased all the history. All the accomplishments. All the glory and accolades that you’ve ever earned. Anything and everything worth talking about is now out the window.
The 3 ICON titles you picked up. GONE.
The 1 LSD title reign? OUT THE WINDOW.
The 2 Tag title runs? NOPE! ADIOS!
That 2nd place finish in War Games 2015? NEVER HAPPENED!
Victories over Mike Best, John Sektor, Tara Davidson? NAAAAAAH!
The TWENTY THREE titles you’ve managed to keep count of!? MEANINGLESS!
No sir, that was ALL Darin Zion!
Darin Matthews has 0 ICON titles. 0 LSD titles. 0 Tag Team titles. 0 War Game finishes.
So you want to talk about how you and your “other” lover, Noah “I Build Arks” Hanson beat the Bandits for the tag titles last year, and that you and ole Hollywood will do the same again? I’m sorry to burst that bubble my friend, but we’re not currently being hacked, and you aren’t facing Jiles and Doozer on this go around.
Nope, you’re facing The Grey Wolf and Diaper Dean!
And don’t worry buddy, you’ll be swallowing soon enough. But it won’t be pride. It’ll be the yolky goodness provided by the wonderful Bandits of eGG.
You know, during my time watching your silly little sitcom, I’ve noticed there is a theme. A running trend if you will. It’s not uncommon for shows to reuse the same bland ideas time and again, but boy, do you and Holly love going to this particular well!
Any time you find an ounce of success Brian Hollywood comes knocking on your door, ready to try and take what you’ve worked so hard for away from you. He’s denied you a World title on 3 different occasions. He’s taken your ICON title, and kept it for himself. He’s taken your LSD title, and ran away with it. And who knows what caused you guys to implode and lose your tag titles each time…
But WAIT! That was Darin Zion! So maybe, just maybe, you don’t have to worry about Holly stabbing you in the back ever again. Maybe Holly loves Matthews this season?
Tune in next week and find out!