Well, That Was Disappointing

Well, That Was Disappointing

Posted on May 9, 2021 at 8:57 am by Mike Best

You done?

That’s rhetorical, Xander. Yes, I do know your name— and it’s rhetorical because you were done when I smashed my knee into the side of your face and knocked you the fuck out back in February. Was it March? I forget. I maybe remember your actual name, Mr. Azula, but I can assure you that I’ve forgotten everything else about you. 

And why wouldn’t I?

You’re an unimaginative, uninspiring garbage bag full of half-baked premises. Utterly unsatisfying to behold. You’ve had weeks to prepare for this match and do your research. But much like the historians who told you that MJF pinned me at War Games last year, I’m afraid your crack team of CTRL+Fers have steered you wrong… again. I’ve been running SixTime Academy for almost a decade, dummy. Gino isn’t new. Me working behind the scenes isn’t new. Got a joke about banner ads, too? Maybe actually watch the shows. Maybe actually do some research, since those who don’t learn from history are doomed to repeat it. But you tell me to “learn the lore”. You don’t like the way I make fun of your name? Maybe I’ll just call you Colin Keapernick, cause I haven’t taken a loss in this division in literally ten years and you’re getting ready to take a knee. 

I decide whose life matters around here, dickhead. 

That’s the hot take, huh? That the title you’re competing for is a lesser division that I’ve “reduced” myself too? Is that how you’re justifying washing out of the tournament like a cunt hair down a hotel bathtub drain? You think no holds barred matches that MUST end in submission or knockout is the easy road? I held the HOW World Championship longer than anyone else on the planet and went undefeated for a year— if you want the ugly truth, I switched full time to HOFC to give guys like you a chance to accomplish something in HOW. 

Yeah bud, that’s God’s honest. 

I sat down with Lee Best and we talked about how the main event had grown stale. How it was just me and a couple of other guys dominating the main event. It was bad for morale. Bad for ticket sales. Bad for the company. Since guys like you don’t step up, guys like me gotta step down. So instead of cruise control, now I’m a cage fighter, and sad story… it’s just as easy for me in this division as it was in the last one. You think I’m sweating you? I’m writing this on my phone. I haven’t even gotten out of bed yet. I woke up to a shitty side discord dunking on the quality of your 3:30AM mistake, and decided to smash you before I’ve even had my morning eggs. 

This is gonna end really poorly for you. 

No, I mean it. Last time we faced off, I was a little burned out from facing a bunch of nobodies that I knew nothing about. Now that I’m just facing ONE nobody I know nothing about, the pressure is really off, man. I don’t need a block of Disney puns to tell you that you’re dogshit garbage, because I’ve been in a ring with you and I finished you off quick and disappointing, call it premature Azaculation. Maybe I should rename that knee the Money Shot. 

“You lost to Jiles and barely beat Dan Ryan.”

Okay. 

You sure hit me hard there, bud. I didn’t manage to win TWO matches in the same night against two of the best veterans in HOW. Nah, lame ass Mike Best only beat ONE Titan in a night, and he only happened to be the other guy who won advanced to the finals of a tournament YOU LOST TO ME IN. It’s days like this that I mourn the loss of the R word in HOW, Xander. It just doesn’t seem like enough to just call you a fucking idiot. Stop bragging about other people’s half achievements and do something worth bragging about yourself. Do better than “I managed to almost survive three rounds with Mike Best” before you start telling me I’m tired. It’s gonna be real embarrassing for you when the “distracted champ” beats you faster this time than he did last time, and make no mistake, Xersis Azkaban, I’m absolutely going to fucking beat you. 

There IS aword for people like you, Xander, and I’ll spell it out for you:

F-U-C-K-E-D.