Wanted

YEE HAWR

I’MA COWBOY!

ON A STEEL HORSE I RIDE.

Wait, why did Bon Jovi want to ride a steel horse? That seems like an incredibly uncomfortable concept. I mean flesh horses are already uncomfortable at the best of times, imagine all the metal riding up upon your junk, I swear it would crush your danglies into a fine paste.

Which is why I assume Clay Byrd has no balls. 

Haha, I make-a the good humour.

That was a very ungentlemanly introduction. That’s not fair at all to Mr. Byrd, I have to respect a man who combines his two passions of panning for gold and grappling. In this economy, it’s difficult to keep two jobs pinned down. 

Both of our fathers are dead too, although I think his dad is a force ghost or something that tells him how to hit people in the face harder. Mine just choked on Eric Dane’s cum. I think he was last seen haunting the guy at a local “Applebee’s” going “oooOOOOO, the video game kid has the Bottomline main event, OooooOOOOO”.

Weird guy, my dead dad.

So this week Clay Byrd wants to step into the fight cage once more. In some way, I admire the moxy, he was just humiliated by the 4th generation Brickboy after getting his skull knee’d off his head last time he ventured into the fisticuff arena. He also managed to kill a Scottish man and while I do approve of that, after all, they are all beer battered scum, it just doesn’t seem befitting in terms of the actions of a champion.

Now sure, Clay will happily tell us that he beat up a small horny girl in the ring but that seems more like evidence you would send towards Chris Hanson than a point of braggitude. Congrats Big Tex, you beat up a small lady that you yourself labelled as a pathetic gymnast as opposed to a wrestler, I’m sure the Best Alliance locker room was popping the champagne the minute you walked back through the curtain.

Sorry, I’ve been quite rude so far, I’ve cast many aspersions upon your person and yet I don’t think that I’ve properly introduced myself to you, Mr. Byrd. 

I’m Cecilworth Farthington, former World Champion, the longest reigning ICON champion in the history of this company.

This week, we will step into the HOFC cage in the main event of the evening. 

I guess you fancy yourself as something of a brawler, a man who likes his fists to do the talking and typically that’s the kind of frame that would certainly bring a man great success in the High Octane Fighting Championship. If we look at the tale of the tape, you’re taller than me, you’re bulkier than me, you’re certainly more Texan than I ever shall be. It’s all the fixins for what should be a slaughter inside that cage, is it not?

I suppose, if anything, the smallest of small problems is… I’ve been here before.

Big, brutal Texan trash talker who thinks that they can walk over me because of my small and wiry frame. Maybe you should dial up Dan Ryan from his retirement home and ask him how that brute strength worked for him against me. 

You see Clay, it’s quite simple. I’m not Mike Best, I’m not looking to knock you out with a heavy hit. I’m looking to break you down. I’m looking to take you apart piece by piece. Did you know I won a ninety seven minute long Iron Man Match against Dan Ryan? How did I achieve that?

Perseverance.

I win matches by making people tap out, so I’m not really looking to go toe to toe with the Byrdmeister. 

I am looking to rip your arm apart. 

A year ago, at March To Glory 2020, as a packed crowd in the Roman Colosseum looked on, I made Teddy Palmer tap out in front of the world. I locked in the Article 50 nice and snug and made sure that the man had no escape path. Being the merciful god that I am, when I heard the bell ringing, I showed mercy and let his arm go. I allowed Teddy Palmer to fight another day. I allowed Teddy Palmer to maintain his wrestling career. A career that led to him pinning you at War Games.

Funny that.

I’m a sporting fella. 

Tap out quickly, I’ll let you go on to your 3rd failure at the LSD Title.