This is a landmark event ladies and gentleman. Not only is this the triple X (that’s thirty in Roman Numerals, you sick bastards) Refueled, but this event finally places Steven Solex in the position that he’s always been meant for in High Octane Wrestling. That’s right, the motherfucking main event. Now, I’m not exactly sure how Cancer Jiles ended up in the main event, I mean…didn’t Solex already beat this guy down just a couple of months ago? I’m pretty sure that was Cancer Jiles that took a Clothesline from Heck in the center of the ring. But I could be wrong? Bobby Dean’s sad carcass could have been blocking my view. But this week it seems like HOW is just putting all of their eGG’s in one basket this week by putting Cancer Jiles in the ring with the #1 Dad. I mean, let’s be real here people. Cancer Jiles has his own face accompanied by a fried egg on his tights. I couldn’t cringe any harder if I saw Bobby Dean eating a whole chicken while lying in bed and covered in grease. And don’t lie, Bobby…you know that shits happened a time or ten. But that’s not what this is about. It’s not about how disgusting and vile Bobby Dean is, it’s about how weak and sad Cancer Jiles is. Imagine lacking so much self-confidence that you have to name yourself COOL. Seriously, imagine it. Imagine being so lame that you wear aviators like your freaking Tom Cruise in Top Gun. We all know there’s only one COOL character in Top Gun, and it wasn’t Tom Cruise. Hell, Tom Cruise wasn’t even the COOLest Tom in Top Gun. (cough) Skerrit (cough). But that’s neither here nor there, and it doesn’t really matter who’s COOL and who’s not, because the only thing that matters is who will win at Refueled 30, and that will be the #1 Dad Steven Solex.
With that COOL stuff out of the way, I’ve got to move onto something else. Something that Steven thought was apparent and obvious, but I guess some people need to be reminded…or at least brought up to speed. Steven is a veteran of the United States Army. If you didn’t know, now you do. When it was brought to his attention that he could get some attention for a veteran owned company, he thought it would be amazing to give back to a community that always takes care of one another. So, after talking with the powers that be, he was given the green light to run an ad on War Games promoting this company and now Jiles wants to poke fun at the ad, and try to make light of the situation. He wants to play “you may recognize him from” game.
To be perfectly honest, if that’s all Steven Solex was remembered for in HOW…he’d retire a happy man. Let me be real clear here. Steve Solex does not give a FUCK what you think about him or what he supports. He just doesn’t. This is a man who has literally been to war and had bullets fly over his fucking head so you can enjoy the freedoms that you do here in the United States. So get the fuck over it…he’s a veteran, he’s proud of that, and he will support his fellow veterans till the very end.
Now let’s get on with this shit.
The scene opens, cause of course it fuckin’ does…it’s that time again. Cue the fuckin’ music!
That light melody that you’ve come to know and love begins to play as the montage of the Solex family plays on the screen. Each member of the family getting their own lower third credit, even that petulant little shit Jebidiah gets one.
Look, I know you’re trying not to hum along with the theme song, but just fucking embrace it already and get on with your life. If the #1 Dad isn’t for you, if the Solex family isn’t for you…well, fuck you. That’s all I got to fucking say.
Back to the shit.
The crowd applauds wildly as the scene fades into the living room of the Solex home. Solex is searching all around the living room for something, and is suddenly startled by the little shit, Jebidiah.
“Dad, can you make me breakfast?”
The little shit has done it again. One day without a bad joke, and I’ll die a happy man.
At least they’re not eGG puns. I mean, remember last time? I really hope I didn’t just jinx myself.
“POOF! You’re breakfast!” He shouts, leaning forward and waving his hands in front of his kid’s face like some kind of fuckin’ Burt Wonderstone.
The crowd erupts in laughter, because of course they fucking do. He’s the #1 Dad, and they all just soak that shit up here in no-wheres-ville.
Jebidiah has no patience for his Dad’s bullshit today, and he immediately darts out of the living room and runs up the stairs shouting for his Mom as Steven laughs to himself.
“Now where’s that darn clicker?” Steven asks himself aloud, as he begins searching in between the couch cushions. Just then something catches Steven’s attention.
The crowd oo’s and awe’s like the pile of trained fuckin’ sheep that they are as Steven heads to the front door and yanks it open. The sun shines through the door, leaving the perfect silhouette of man and mustache. The sound of a lawnmower can be heard from across the street, this is definitely what perked Steven’s Dad-sense.
“Mike!” Steven shouts out of the front door, using his hands as a megaphone around his mouth. “Just what in the h-e-double hockey sticks do you think you’re doin’ over there, pal?!” Steven bolts out of the front door and out onto the porch.
The man pushing the lawn mower across the street comes to an abrupt stop, and looks over at Steven. He waves a flailing ‘hello’ before tilting his dad cap on the back half of his head.
“Hey, there Neighbor!” The grizzly bearded fella, apparently named Mike, yells to Stevens.
Steven stomp marches down the steps of his porch and just to the edge of his property line. He places his hands on his hips and leans forward.
“Mike, what are you doing?!” Steven enquires once more.
Mike looks down at his mower, and waves a hand displaying his half-mowed front yard.
“I’m mowin’ my yard, Steve-o,” Mike responds, with a high pitch tone.
“Come on, Mike! It’s the second week of the month. Any idea what’cher doin’ wrong there, guy?” Oh boy, I’m sure this will add up to some kind of lame-ass
Mike looks up into the sky, and suddenly it hits him. The crowd applauds his effort.
“I’m mowing the angles in the wrong direction! Dag-gummit! I’m so sorry Steven. I know the HoA would be rightfully upset if they found out,” Mike says as the crowd oo’s mischievously. Who gives a shit about the fuckin’ grass? Holy shit.
“You’re darn-tootin’ they’d be upset! Now get it fixed, Mike!” Steven scolds his neighbor, waving a nagging finger the entire time before turning around and stomp-marching his way back toward the house. But just as he reaches for the handle on the screen door, he hears a splat against the side of the house. The crowd gasps collectively. Steven doesn’t move. He remains still. He knows that sound.
It’s an eGG.
“Those little rapscallions!” Steven says with a tone full of anger and disgust. He looks up at the splattered egg on the fresh paint. He doesn’t wait a second, and darts down the front steps and into the front yard.
Two teenagers, sixteen years old at most, ride by quickly on their bicycles. Steven gives chase. Vandalism of his property is not something that he is willing to tolerate. The crowd rustles around noisily and nervously as the chase continues.
The kids turn a corner quickly, but Steven stays right behind them. One of the boys tosses the carton of eGGs from the basket that’s fastened to his handlebars. Yes, I said a fucking basket. This is the 1950s and this kid probably just got done with his fucking paper-route too. ANYWAY, the chase continues when suddenly, as the biker boys – I said biker boys – cross an interest a car pulls out in front of Steven and slams its brakes. Steven is seamless though, as he slides over the top of the car like a fuckin’ action star and continues chase! The crowd has gone absolutely balisitic, they’ve obviously never seen anything like this.
Suddenly, the camera speed slows and Steven is shown running in slow motion for about two full seconds and the crowd cheers wildly and his mustache flutters in the wind and the crowd erupts into raucous cheers.
“Get back here you little…”
Like a couple of SWAT team officers, the kids skids their bikes to an immediate stop, and stretch a rope between the two of them…about ankle height. Steven has no time to prepare, a grown man running full speed could never stop like these kids just did. The rope hooked his ankle and down Solex went, face first. He lies motional as the crowd gasps and then remains silent.
It’s now apparent, the kids are wearing a Doozer and Bobby Dean shirt, and both kids are sporting aviator sunglasses with a COOL logo on the side.
The kids share a high-five and stare at Solex, who’s now begun to stir on the ground. The crowd applauds as he slowly gets to his feet, and gripping the back of his neck.
“You little….bandits! You eGG throwing bandits! You….you eGG Bandits!”
The kids nearly leave skid marks behind as they dart off on their bicycles away from Steven.
“I’ll get you!” Solex shouts, waving a fist in the air. “If it’s the last thing I do, I’ll get you!”
The scene fades as the silhouette of our hero Steven Solex is shown standing in the light of the sun as the crowd applauds wildly and your favorite song plays again.