Tug of WAR Games

“This is the last time I let you talk me into doing something this stupid!” 

The angry voice is none other than Hollywood Superstar (In his own mind) Mikey Unlikely. He’s wearing a large green frog suit with a giant head. Inside the frogs mouth is Mikey Unlikelys face staring back with a large frown. 

He’s got his cell phone up to one of the holes in the frog suit so he can hear his agent on the other end. 

“You told me it was a commercial for a brand new product! A new invention that would change the game! WHAT GAME!?” 

The camera pans out a bit and we see that Unlikely is in a large lake, he’s sitting on a green inflatable shaped like a lillypad. While other frog actors around him sit on all fours, Mikey stands straight up with one arm crossed and the other holding the phone to the giant head.

Another frog rolls it’s eyes…. The human eyes. 

“This is a FLYSWATTER Kevin! An object to smack flies!” 

An argument comes from “Kevin” that it’s a brand new flyswater that’s automatic. It attracts flies then swats them from a base. You don’t even have to swing it…

“Oh you don’t have to sw…”

Unlikely looks at the other frog next to him. 

“He says it swats them automatically!” 

The sarcasm is dripping from his voice. 

“I don’t give a fuck if it wines and dines and sixty nines the flies before it eats them whole! It’s still a flyswatter… I am above a fucking bug killer!” 

He notices the director of the commercial looking at him and pointing to his watch motioning for Mikey to hurry up. Unlikely gives him a shitty look and holds up one finger. 

“Kevin, if you don’t get me a prominent role in something important soon your ass is fired! It’s been two years since Crows Alley, and for two years I’ve been doing commercials and bit work. This. Is. Egregious!” 

He shifts himself and nearly loses his balance as the inflatable moves underneath him. He catches his balance and shoots a glance at the producer. 

“These are unsafe working conditions as well, do you know where I am right now?” 

He listens for a beat. 

“NO! Not just beautiful Lake Barney, I’m in the middle of it! I’m on an inflatable green lily pad, in a giant green suit, next to 6 guys who are wearing the same thing. It’s not even the starring role!” 

His agent mentions the line he gets to say. 

“It’s ONE LINE and it’s not even a good one! IT SWATS THE FLIES FOR YOU, IT’S AS EASY AS HOPPING 1 2 3!… this is a commercial for The D… do you know him? He’d LOVE this! Elise Ares, the whole crew… but not for Mikey F’n Unlikely Bruv! “

The agent begins to counter but Mikey hangs up on him. Pressing the end button just isn’t as satisfying as it used to be to just slap a phone shut when you wanted to hang up on them, or slam a receiver down. The good ole’ days. 

Unlikely sighs deeply, closes his eyes, and tries to clear his mind of the anger.

“AND ACTION!” 

The director yells out over everyone. Mikey drops into position on all fours. The rest of the lines are said and finally it gets to Mikey. He hops around in a circle three times and recites the line very enthusiastically. 

“It swats the flies for you, so you don’t have to! It’s as easy as hopping one, two, three!” 

The commercial goes off without a hitch on this, the 65th take. 

“And CUT! That’s a wrap ladies and gentlemen, we’ll be sending out a jet ski to pick you up individually.” 

A groaning Mikey has his arms crossed once again. 

“OK but I better be going first! You know I have things to do!” 

The director nods and gives him a thumbs up. He turns to the director aid. 

“Get them out of there…but get that douchebag who keeps talking last.” 

______________________________________________________________

We open to a very nice reception office. The receptionist clicks and clacks on a keyboard behind a marble desk. Light music is playing and the windows are cracked creating a nice breeze in the room. 

Above a large set of double doors is a sign that reads: 

Leonard & Leonard Law Firm

The doors to the office open up and walking in are none other than the Hollywood Bruvs! Mikey Unlikely, and Jesse Fredricks Kendrix both arrive in very nice suits. Mikey’s is navy blue, and JFK rocks the classic black and white look. 

They walk up to the receptionist who glances at them quickly and is unamused. 

Receptionist: Names? 

JFK smiles and leans in over the desk. 

Kendrix: Hey sweetheart! My name is Jesse, my Bruv here… he’s Mikey, and you are? 

Jesse takes her hand in his and pretends he’s going to kiss it. Then at the last second he places his knuckle against hers, pretends to pull away a few times, and voila… the receptionist just experienced her first Gluefist. 

Mikey and JFK together: GLUEFIST! 

She pulls her hand back in disgust and repeats her original question but with more oomph.

Receptionist: Names…that I might recognize for an appointment. 

She looks the two over. Clearly unimpressed. 

Receptionist: One that you guys may or may not have…. 

Out of his jacket pocket Mikey pulls a business card out. He hands it to her, she flips it over and reads it. She stands up and walks to the large double doors that feature the Sign and sticks her head in. Mikey and JFK both stare at her backside as she walks. Back on the desk we now see the business card that Mikey handed her says:

Mikey Money

No other words. Contact info, or anything else. Green card with Gold lettering. 

She looks back and catches both men leaning for a better view of her behind, they both straighten up quickly and look in opposite directions. Pretending not to notice they’ve been caught. 

Receptionist: Mr. Leonard will see you now. 

She opens the door to reveal a very large and lush office. Plants line every corner of the room, an enormous desk sits in the middle with a very large man also in a tight suit. The man is writing on some paperwork when the boys walk in. 

He stands up to greet them both and motions to the seats in front of his desk. 

Mr. Leonard: Gentlemen! Welcome! Have a seat. 

The Hollywood Bruvs saunter in and take in the room. They each sit down in front of the desk and lean back. 

Mr. Leonard: Thank you for calling, you two are some of our more “High Profile” clients so it’s always nice when you stop by! Now, I got the email you sent me, Mikey. I can tell both of you boys this, we’ve been over the High Octane Wrestling contract backwards and frontwards, we’ve had our best attorneys and paralegals on it, and unfortunately I’m sad to say there is no clause in there that guarantees the two of you a spot in the singles War Games match at the upcoming pay per view. I know this is very disappointing for you both. 

Kendrix and Mikey both lose it. Unlikely stands up and stomps in place and shouting obscenities. Kendrix follows suit and grabs the papers that Mr. Leonard was working when they entered and tosses them into the air in frustration. 

Kendrix: Shit Mikey! I thought we were in! First we don’t get drafted, and now this! I thought Lee Best wanted us on his team! 

The Unlikely one stops stamping about and considers it. 

Mikey Unlikely: Maybe…just maybe…we’re mystery entrants! Put the advantage on team Lee! Or Max or whatever…We would have the advantage. 

The Attorney shakes his head and corrects Mikey. 

Mr. Leonard: Gentlemen… 

He’s cut off by Mikey. 

Mikey Unlikely: There’s nothing gentle about us… we’re simply MEN! 

Mr. Leonard: Men, I’ve thought it over a bunch of different ways and I’m pretty sure you’re simply not involved in the match. Not involved in the main event of this show. Now you are already booked for the Tag Team War Games match. Isn’t that enough!? 

PFFFFFFFT. The boys nearly spit out the drinks they don’t have. 

Mikey Unlikely: Is that enough!? When George Washington’s army was under attack and he had to go back and get more jets and missiles did he just assume…we have enough? NO he crossed the Delaware, he got those missiles, and he brought home victory! 

Mr. Leonard: Well that’s not really app….

Kendrix: Listen Yeah? Did Drake stop when he was already an award winning actor on the Canadian Television Show Degrassi? NO! He learned how to walk again, he got out of that wheelchair, and he became a rap gawd, dammit! HE STARTED FROM THE BOTTOM AND NOW HE’S HERE!

Kendrix raises his hand above his head to show Mr. Leonard where Drake is today. Mr. Leonard goes to continue the conversation but he’s cut off once more. 

Mikey Unlikely: Did Bill Gates and Steve Washyourback stop when they had the world’s biggest Apple company? No! They invented a cell phone instead! 

Kendrix: All great examples of great times, that great MEN couldn’t get enough! 

Mr. Leonard nods, and makes sure they are done before continuing. He looks at the flyer for War Games. 

Mr. Leonard: I just can’t believe you guys want to have TWO CAGE MATCHES in one night! 

The Bruvs look confused at one another then back to Mr. Leonard. 

Mikey Unlikely: Now when you say cage match… you mean the games will take place inside of a cage? 

Kendrix: Yeah who said anything about a cage, mate? 

The Attorney is just as confused now. 

Mr. Leonard: What do you men think War Games is? 

JFK sets the scene. 

Kendrix: Alright, you remember back in Primary school when you had those track and field days? That’s what War Games are Bruv! Stuff like Tug of War, innit?!

Mikey Unlikely: …Push up competition! 

Kendrix: …40 meter dash!

Mikey Unlikely: Yea Boi! We’ve been working on our obstacle course training for WEEKS now! That rope ladder isn’t going to trip me up this time! Ask Jesse, I’ve been practicing! 

Unlikely stands up and with high knees shows his rope ladder technique. 

Mr. Leonard puts both his hands on the table and motions for the boys to stop. Mikey stops in place. 

Mr. Leonard: War Games is a five way cage match, no rules, all weapons legal. 

A big gulp from the Hollywood Bruvs. 

Mr. Leonard: You’d be in there with Mike Best, Cecilworth Farthington, Max Kael, Dan Ryan, Lindsay Troy, MJ Flair…even your boy Murray…and they could do anything that they want to you and no one can stop them. 

Unlikely gets wide eyed. 

Mr. Leonard: Now you guys are already in the Tag Team War Games, so either way you’re going to endure this once with the likes of the eGG Bandits, Murray and Bergman and HATE and you guys want to get in there again? I thought you were Tag Team specialists? Then there’s no reason to go into the other match? 

The men consider this for a moment. Kendrix is the first to speak up! 

Kendrix: Dammit Mikey! You know it really upsets me that we’re not going to be in this singles War Games, but I think it’s time we stopped trying… 

An enthusiastically nodding Mikey agrees. 

Mikey Unlikely: For sure Bruv, It really sucks that we can’t win two War Games matches in one night, but for the sake of the fans and mixing it up, we will let Perfection and Murray take the honor in that match! 

Kendrix: Oh fiddlesticks! JFK really wanted to beat Cecilworth for the World Heavyweight Title, but I guess it will just have to wait for another day! Oh well! Oh darn!

The two get up, Mikey Shakes the hand of the Attorney before wiping it on his suit. 

Mikey Unlikely: Thank you for your excellent legal advice as always! Appreciate the insight, we are ready for War Games for sure! 

__________________________________________________________________

We cut to a High Octane Banner where the Hollywood Bruvs stand poised and ready. Both of them rocking the latest “Frapp Life” Hollywood Bruvs TShirts and workout pants. 

They stare at the camera intently. Gone are the laughs and smiles, insert seriousness and manliness. JFK takes the honor of beginning. 

Kendrix: Cecilworth Farthington, Simply the longest reigning High Octane Wrestling World Champion of all time. A perfect example of that age old saying. It’s one thing to become World Champion, it’s quite another to stay World Champion…and boy has he stayed there.

This was a man not long ago who, with all due respect Cecil, was an imbecile, a buffoon…a clown, albeit he was always a dangerous one. You’ve still got a couple of screws loose up there though haven’t you, old boy?! Going around breaking arms, whether wrestler or commentator, it doesn’t seem to matter…that crazy can rear its ugly head at any moment…which makes you even more dangerous than ever!

But to be honest, The Hollywood Bruvs have missed you around HOW the last couple of weeks. Where have you been? I guess being the Champ comes with its own perks, seems you can take time off as and when you please, it must be tiring breaking all those arms. Or maybe it just might be that the cracks in that fragile brain of yours are rearing their ugly head again.

His tag team partner elicits a curt chuckle. 

Mikey Unlikely: It’s easy to crack, it can happen to us all at any damn time. God knows I’ve got my own battles I’m fighting up here. Or is it the pressure of War Games coming up? That monstrous, diabolical game the very best in this business are all heading into in a few weeks time. 

But why would you feel the pressure Cecilworth? You’ve attended a War Games before, you know exactly what it’s all about, been there done that, right? Or is it that you’re so close to completing the HOW grand slam of Pay Per View Victories you’ve set yourself? That’s the mark of a great champion I guess, you’re constantly setting yourself new targets and accomplishments. I guess you have to. Over the course of a year you’ve done it all.

Kendrix: Which is why it surprises us that you haven’t had your own appreciation month? That’s what happens in HOW right?! The very best, for all their accolades, are awarded with their own month of appreciation. Which begs the question then…that perhaps the only reason you’re World Champion is because your best friend and most appreciated man in all of HOW, Mike Best, has simply let you hold the greatest prize in our sport while he’s interested in his own ICON Championship challenge he’s set himself?

Nah, it couldn’t be that, right? That’s stupid…it was probably our clock that had you scurrying off of our TV screens and over the edge in more ways than one. Perhaps the clock was more significant than you thought. Nothing lasts forever and you know damn well that your days as the number one guy in the company could very well be over at War Games.

Actually, are you even officially the number one guy in the company? Because officially it’s Max and Mike who lead the way. So despite the unprecedented, miraculous and, in all probability, never to be repeated year by anyone ever again…you’re still not ‘The Man’ in HOW. That’s gotta eat away at your very being.

Mikey Unlikely: And then there’s Mike Best…You’ve wiped the floor with everyone who has come before you. I’m not surprised you set your own targets! Hell I would! It must be difficult to keep yourself grounded when you’ve accomplished what you’ve done in this game. The lack of competition must have pushed you and your boy Cecil to better yourselves. Let’s face it, no one in the back was really pushing you guys were they?…Well, until HOW 400 that is. 

That’s why you’ve surrounded yourself with the very best talent in HOW, The business run by your Father. They all serve to protect you, Mike. This whole company is built around you when really the focus and the attention should be on the High Octane Wrestling World Championship. Things got so stale and easy for you you had to go and make the show all about you. Defending the ICON Championship 9 times, don’t get me wrong, if anyone can do it, it’s you…but dear GOD, HOW needed 24K SO BAD…because finally there’s a bunch of Manly Men around here who have the ability and the potential to take everything away from the both of you.

Kendrix: Maybe that’s why you’ve ducked us for sooooo very long, lads. Everything you’ve built up together…the titles, the dominance and most importantly the fear from every other single member of the HOW locker room, is slowly eroding away, week by week…

….and it could all very well be gone at War Games. 24K already took the Tag Titles from you. As much as we would have loved to take them away from Cecil and Kael…we had to settle for taking them from your failed merger buddies instead. 

Let’s get things perfectly straight…we know you don’t fear us, just as you well know that we don’t fear you guys. On 6th June, At Refuelled 29, both of you will finally get your hands on the number one Tag Team in the World today, the Hollywood Bruvs. 

Mikey Unlikely: And after what we did to the both of you when we burst into YOUR house and pissed on YOUR floor….

He pauses for a bit. 

Mikey Unlikely: The opportunity is now! Retribution is finally up for grabs, gentlemen…after four incredibly loooonnnggg months. It’s finally happening! No, not because you had the balls to finally do something about it. Not because you laid out a challenge to the Bruvs, but because you were forced into a match with us by good ol’ Dad! 

No more ducking boys! 

But the way you guys took and accepted that beat down for so long…the fact you concocted an unsuccessful merger with Dan and Lindsay? So embarrassing!  Who, despite 24K beating those two every week for fun these days, seem to be the only ones with a pair of balls in your group to attack us outside of a forced match.

Kendrix: We expected more from you two. I mean c’mon now, Cecil. You were powerbombed through a table and Mike, you just accepted being pounded in the face with our brass knucks? At the end of the night you were left in the middle of the ring in convulsions as each member of 24K placed a foot upon your chest. 

You’re ready for War in a few weeks? We announced War at HOW 400…and your response…was to ignore us.

Mikey Unlikely: Have we got one eye on War Games? We’re taking a peek, sure. But you two? If you’re anything like Troy and Ryan…you’ve got bigger fish to fry in a few weeks, right? It’s only the Bruvs after all! Don’t even sweat it. Your egos are so out of control you’re going to look directly past the greatest Tag Team in the world at Refuelled, just like your sub team…Ryan and Troy did not so long ago?

As far as I can tell, G.o.D. seem to have their eyes on one particular member of 24K. The only member of the group we hear about week after week! “You’re hiding behind him!”, “He’s the real one we have to worry about!”, “This tag team is just his lackeys!” 

That’s what HATE said. 

That’s what Red and Ted said. 

That’s what Dan and Lindz said. 

That’s what you’re saying too… 

Kendrix: We absolutely love the fact that our contract with Andy Murray is the talk of the town when it comes to 24K. Keep talking about Andy, keep the obsession going lads. The Hollywood Bruvs will just continue to pick up the pieces while our opponents treat us as givens.

There’s no perfect group. Everyone alludes to the fact that Murray fights for 24K because of a contract, that Murray is the man of 24K and the Bruvs are just his bitches and Perfection is an afterthought.

Newsflash, each group needs a structure. The Bruvs aren’t after singles dominance, we know what we are here for. We aren’t arrogant enough to assume Murray would die for us after decades of a completely different mindset to the Bruvs…but we know our arrangement works for each party concerned. We have eachothers backs because we know what we want to achieve. WE WANT TO BEAT YOU! 

Mikey Unlikely: GoD, 24K…so many huge egos in both groups. The only difference between us is that there’s only one group who are infighting and trying to one up each other. It’s commendable, competition is healthy of course, you shouldn’t be in this business if you don’t want to be the absolute best, ‘The Man’! Otherwise we should all just go home…but there’s a difference between healthy and unhealthy competition. 

Unfortunately for G.o.D. the lack of competition you’ve had prior to our arrival in High Octane, coupled with the failed merger with The Industry, is going to spell the downfall for you come War Games. This Saturday though? This Saturday you’re going to fail all on your own when you step into OUR WORLD! when you come face to face with ‘THE MEN’ of the Tag Team Division.

Your desire to each be ‘The Man’ will be your undoing. The seeds are already sown in G.o.D. It’s just a matter of time before you implode from within. 

And 24K will be right here waiting… 

Kendrix: Rest assured both our eyes are fixed firmly on you two. The Hollywood Bruvs aren’t pawns to soften you both up for Murr and Perfection at War Games. We’re here to continue to fight the war we started at HOW400 and beat two of the very best EVER in order to cement ourselves as the greatest Tag Team in this business not just today…

…but of all time.