Transparency In The Production of Hotdogs

Transparency In The Production of Hotdogs

Posted on May 1, 2023 at 12:54 am by Mike Best

You’re right, Jace. 

When I feel threatened by someone, I befriend them. I suck their dick like it’s a water cooler full of Dasani and I’m the thirstiest man that ever lived. I make them my allies and do everything in my power to not ever have to wrestle them. I’m a shitty politician and I always have been, one thousand fucking percent. Every. Single. Time. 

You made an excellent point. 

I would never, ever willingly fight someone I thought had a single change of beating me in a fight. What a solid observation to make about a guy who has been absolutely salivating at the opportunity to lock you inside of a cage with him and practice his sweet new kick-fuck dance moves on you. C’mon, Jace, I’m looking for a fair fight here. 

Stop making it a handicap match. 

“I’ve seen how the hotdog is made” is the most absurd sentence ever said in a room with air in it, by the way. I don’t even really have a solid punchline lined up for that, I just need you to know that I received no less than seven messages about that sentence and none of them are good. 

Speaking of things that weren’t good. 

Boy, you’re really committing to this “Jace sits in a chair and there is popcorn also in the room” thing. It’s bad. It isn’t going well for you. I’m not telling you that you should stop, hey, live your life, but it isn’t working and if you continue it, it’s going to end embarrassingly for you. No punchline here, either. Just the honest truth. The last piece of mercy you’ll get from me. You will be brutally and horrifically knocked out in the first round, and it will devastate your momentum going into War Games. 

I know. I know. 

You don’t care. 

You’re above all of this. 

Well, you’re going to end up below all of this, directly underneath a series of elbows that render you bleeding, unconscious, and concussed. You are doing a Stevenspedia. Doing a Stevenspedia has never ended well for anyone in the entire history of us inventing the phrase Stevenspedia to make fun of someone doing exactly the thing you’re doing right now. This is not one of your bingo halls, Jace. You will not out monologue me. You will not condescend your way out of it. I implore you. I beg you, as a friend, say something mean to me. Type “write me a mean joke” into ChatGPT and then ask Dan Ryan to rearrange it for you. Make some kind of a threat that isn’t “I swear to god, I’ll post another section of this goddamned video”.

The popcorn lacks salt?

Then add some fucking salt, you bland motherfucker. 

I’m allowed 750 words, and I feel so sad for you that I’m not not going to use all of them. Whenever this paragraph ends, I’m going to stop typing, post this, jerk off and then go to bed. Figure it out, man. This is actually embarrassing. Reach into your bag of tricks and pull something out of your little magic hat. I’ve even got a magic word for you. 


Tada… Tada Michaels Davi…

I can’t. Fuck. Just finish posting your popcorn Tik Toks. 

I spotted you 199 words.