Posted by Max Kael
Posted by Lindsay Troy
Posted by Brian Hollywood
Posted by Zeb Martin
Posted by Conor Fuse
Posted by Bobby Dean
Posted by Eric Dane
Posted by Mike Best
Posted by Brian Hollywood
Posted by Mike Best
:::SCENE: We open the De La Croix Wrestling and Boxing Training Center and Candle Shoppe where the odor is as offensive as it’s owner. In the middle of the ring stands the portly, bearded Anton Sanchez De La Croix sporting a faded yellow tropical shirt with red and blue surfboards and tan linen pants. And yes, he is wearing sandals with white socks. His deformed, scarred, hulking employee, Hugo Scorpio, towers over him, checking his phone. Knowing Hugo Scorpio, it’s most likely he is searching for birds dancing to nineties dance music.
Outside of the ring sits the Mayor of ManJatthan, Jatt Starr, in his wheelchair sporting khakis much like Jake from State Farm. But the King of Grapple from the Big Apple wears it better. He knows this. This is not opinion. This is not conjecture. It is fact. To complete his ensemble, he is wearing a New York Mets baseball cap and a Save Ferris t-shirt.
Next to the Sovereign of Starrgentina is his daughter, Gilda Ockelman-Starr. Her strawberry blonde hair mussed up and not in any stylish way. If it looks like she did not do anything with it, that’s because she didn’t. She spent last night as she does most nights: Sneaking down into the Jatt Starr Apocalypse Shelter to watch some hoe movies from her time in Utah. Staring at her mother….then lying awake. Thinking. Remembering. Unable to turn her brain off. She may have gotten four and a half hours of sleep. At least the nightmares have become less frequent.
Anton looks at the Timexxx he purchased on the streets of Chicago from a less than reputable vendor.::::
ANTON: NINE THIRTY!!!! Roll CALL!!!!
HUGO: There’s only one student.
ANTON: We must abide by the STRUCTURE!!! Without structure there is CHAOS!!! Roll CALL!
:::Hugo looks down and shakes his head. He takes a deep breath and looks out at the student.:::
HUGO: Everyone is here.
ANTON: Brilliant! Let US……PROCEED!!!! Please, Gilda, grace us with your presence in the ring.
::::Gilda, sporting a generic store brand oatmeal colored jogging pants and New Balance sneakers. A far cry from her in-ring attire of black boots and oatmeal colored tights with zero patterns and awesome panache. She walks up the ring steps and enters the ring.:::
ANTON: Today, my dear, we are going to experiment with a new maneuver that you simply MUST attempt that Satur-DAAAAAAAY!!!! Now, who is your opponent?
GILDA: I don’t know.
::::Anton turns his head in such an exaggerated and over dramatic way, it is a miracle he does not suffer from whiplash. He looks incredulously at her father.::::
ANTON: She does not KNOW????
JATT STARR: She’s squaring off against Beans Boobies or something.
HUGO: Bobby Dean.
ANTON: Tell me about him! Posthaste!
JATT STARR: He’s a member of the Egg Bandits.
GILDA: Growing up, we had to protect the chickens from weasels. The raccoons and the snakes were bad enough. But the weasels, they were the worst.
:::Hugo and Anton look at Gilda, not sure what to make of her tidbit of knowledge.:::
GILDA: We had to set traps for them. They’re wiry and they get into tight spaces. They would kill the chickens and steal the eggs.
::::Hugo and Anton look at the Sovereign of Starrgetina’s daughter, their expression is that of curiosity. It is Jatt Starr who breaks the silence, as he rolls up next to the ring apron.:::
JATT STARR: YES! They are weasels!!!
ANTON: And what else can you tell me about this Booby Dean?
HUGO: He’s a great big fat person.
JATT STARR: He’s not fat anymore.
HUGO: He’s skinny now?
JATT STARR: I wouldn’t say that.
HUGO: Muscular then.
JATT STARR: He kind of looks like a G.I. Joe after being in the microwave for a couple of minutes. He’s got hanging, sagging flesh.
ANTON: Vile! It is why you will never see my visage in an erotic gentlemen’s club during the day. All of those sagging bosoms.
JATT STARR: Excuse me! We have a lady present. My daughter!
ANTON: I assure you….
::::Anton leers at Gilda.::::
ANTON: …..she would NOT work during the day at one those establishments. Her bosoms are certainly not saggers, I can tell they are quite——
JATT STARR: HEY! If you finish that sentence, Gilda will kick your ass so hard, you’ll need a dentist for your next proctological exam.
::::Anton’s eyes move from Gilda’s chest to her stern look.::::
ANTON: My apologies!
GILDA: Are we going to get started here or what?
ANTON: My, my! Aren’t we feisty today?
HUGO: Boss, maybe try not to antagonize her today. She’s starting to get that look.
ANTON: What ever do you mean?
::::Hugo looks over at Gilda who begins stretching her out her arms.:::
HUGO: When she gets mad, she loses control and….
ANTON: Go on!
HUGO (whispers): She hurts me.
ANTON: Don’t be such a prissy vagina!
HUGO: She knocked out one of my teeth.
JATT STARR: What the heck, guys! Can we move it along?
ANTON: Very well!!! Today, young Gilda, I shall teach you one of the most humiliating and devastating moves that has ever been executed. It was the summer of ninety three and yours truly was wrestling in gymnasium outside of Scottsdale, Arizona. My opponent for the evening was Lolita Jezebel. A fierce competitor was as delusional as she was talented. She believed In her twisted mind that each of her opponents were exes of hers. That night, she had the audacity to claim that I gave her syphilis! I contend that I had contracted it from HER!!!!
:::::Gilda drops her head to her side, looking confused as Hugo Scorpio, either consciously or subconsciously, takes three steps backwards moving away from his employer.::::
ANTON: That night, she had me locked in an inverted face lock when she brought her elbow down onto my sternum as she let go. Suddenly, she brought her knee upwards impacting where head meets neck. I fell to the mat and my bowels emptied.
HUGO: You shat yourself???
ANTON: NO! She CAUSED me to shit myself in front of the dozens in attendance! And today, Gilda, I will teach that maneuver to you.
GILDA: What’s the move called?
ANTON: Lolita Jezebel called it the “Vindictive Bitch”. I leave the naming rights to you as it’s new owner.
GILDA: Isn’t stealing a move….I don’t know….wrong?
ANTON: Have you ever heard of the wrestler Lolita Jezebel Santa Maria?
JATT STARR: I don’t give a rat’s rectum.
ANTON: Then fuck that twat.
GILDA: I really wish you wouldn’t use such crude language.
ANTON: This is the wrestling industry, dear, not fucking Sesame Street. The fucking DDT was stolen from SOMEbody and everybody uses it!
::::Jatt Starr and Hugo nod, agreeing with the portly pottymouth.:::
ANTON: in fact, it would not ASTOUND me to learn that that vindictive bitch pilfered the Vindictive Bitch from someone else.
JATT STARR: I gotta say, not a fan of the name. “The Skidmark”? Too subtle. “The Deuce Dropper”. No….
ANTON: I would be remiss if I failed to mention that there is actually only a one hundredth of a percent chance your opponent with actually soil themselves.
JATT STARR: P.Y.P.!!!! “Poop Your Pants”! I can hear it now!!! The crowd chanting P-Y-P!!! P-Y-P!!! Saturday night, the crowd going nuts hoping they will see a freak show! Hoping, begging, heck…..PRAYING that gelatinous mess of a human being craps himself!
HUGO: It’s the HOW, Jatt. They’ll call it “Shit Your Pants”. And they won’t chant the initials. They’ll just chant “Shit Your Pants!”.
::::Gilda moves towards the corner and looks down at her white sneakers. All this talk of making someone defecate themselves seems not only far fetched but sadistic and malicious.::::
GILDA: I don’t know….
JATT STARR: What’s the matter?
GILDA: It seems unnecessarily cruel. It’s one thing to beat him in the middle of the ring. Making him tap out. Maybe he’ll scream. Oooo! Maybe he’ll cry a little….leaving a tiny pool of tears in the middle of the ring.
:::It is now Hugo and Anton’s turn to back away from Gilda.::::
GILDA: But causing someone to….to….
JATT STARR: Poop themselves?
GILDA: I don’t like it. It suddenly becomes less about me as an individual and more about people wanting to see if I can make him….
JATT STARR: Poop himself?
GILDA: Yeah. And can you imagine how he might feel….when he….you know….
JATT STARR: Poops himself.
GILDA: ….in the middle of the ring. The humiliation of it all. I don’t think I can do that.
ANTON; What the fuck is this? Values and morals??? What have you been teaching her????
:::Anton glares at Jatt Starr disapprovingly as he did when, after he had requested a threesome with her massage therapist, his ex-wife Calista Sanchez De La Croix brought home her muscular German masseuse Fritz….not her young, busty Greek masseuse, Anastasia.::::
JATT STARR: That’s on her mother. Morals and integrity were never my forte.
HUGO: Wait. Doesn’t Bobby Dean….isn’t he the guy who puts peoples heads inside his tights and pile drives them?
GILDA: Why would he do that?
ANTON: To EMBARRASS his opponents, my dear lady! To ASSERT his power! FORCING his opponents into feeling, seeing, and smelling his willy!
::::Gilda’s face drops. She walks over to the corner, she puts her arms on the turnbuckle and places her head down.::::
ANTON: The infamous Danshoku Driver. I, once, was NEARLY felled by that maneuver.
HUGO: What happened?
ANTON: I bit his scrote and he released me.
:::Hugo and the Hero of Jattlanta both have the same look of disgust as if they were witnessing an autopsy of a particularly gruesome dead body. Perhaps the bloated corpse f one whose throat was slashed and tossed into the East River only to be discovered two weeks later after the vultures have had their dinner.:::
ANTON: The POINT is, this Mister Dean will NOT provide you with the same courtesy that you appear to be showing—-
GiLDA: Just shut up.
::::Gilda lifts her head and turns towards Anton.:::
GILDA: Bobby Dean would really do that?
HUGO: I have seen it.
GiLDA: Why? What’s the point? Does he honestly think he’s going to shove my head into his crotch, drop me on my head, and then go to his Egg Thief cronies and have a big laugh?
::::Gilda begins shaking. The burning in her stomach builds. The rage increases. Her face gets redder and redder as each word comes out of her mouth. Her differently colored eyes no longer mask the fury inside her.:::
GILDA: That floppy fuck thinks it’s funny?
::::Gilda begins walking from the corner towards center ring.:::
GILDA: To force someone’s face into his….
JATT STARR: Wang?
::::On the word “wang”, Gilda, without looking punches Hugo right in the throat. The large, mutilated man drops to his knees, wheezing, gasping for air. Gilda does not pay that any mind. She continues addressing Anton, who, in his own right, seems to be on the verge of wetting of himself.::::
GILDA: He’s not any sort of man. He’s a deviant.
ANTON: Yes, yes, quite.
GILDA: I’ve seen what deviants like him do. They pretend to be someone you can trust. They mask their true intentions with smiles or affable behavior. You think, “Oh, he’s just a clutz” or “Look at him, he’s harmless”. But he’s not. He’s just drawing you in. Making you believe that he’s “there for you”. That “you’re important”. The next thing you know, they no longer have their sights on your mother, they have their sights set on you.
GILDA: And your mother sees this, because she’s not, you know, stupid. So she protects you. Debases herself for you. Prevents these deviants from sinking their claws in you.
::::Gilda is eye to eye with Anton. A single tear rolls from her green eye down to her cheek. Meanwhile, Hugo has finally caught his breath and he slinks under the bottom rope to the safety outside of the ring.:::
GILDA: Even though, at the time, you didn’t realize it. You thought she was standing in your way from achieving, what the Founder and the Tribunal continually told you was your destiny. She tried to to tell you what they wanted. She tried to explain to you what was involved in the “Cleansing of the Sin” ritual. You thought it was lies. Until you witness it for yourself. Hidden in the woods. Watching as the Founder and the Tribunal gathered the chosen maidens to——
::::Gilda’s lips quiver. Another tear rolls from her green eye. Anton takes a step backwards. The Ruler of Jattlantis, seeing enough, has pulled himself into the ring from his wheelchair under the bottom rope::::
GILDA: All for the glory of Ota’Topeht! May he preserve the crops!!!
JATT STARR: Gildy?
::::The Champion of Jattanooga has pulled himself to the ropes next to his daughter and has used the ropes to get on his feet, much to the painful disagreement to his back.::::
JATT STARR: Look at me.
::::Gilda turns to her father. The Baron of Boca Jatton looks at the pain in her face.::::
GILDA: I let her down.
::::She shrugs slightly and then sneers. She spins back towards Anton who jerks backwards.::::
ANTON: Fuck me.
:::::Anton turns to make an escape but Gilda, feeling the shame, the guilt, the rage grabs him and places him in an inverted face lock. She brings up her elbow, and drives it down with all of her rage, releasing Anton. She quickly brings up her knee with all of her fury, connecting with the base of Anton’s neck. His tubby frame hits the mat. There is no poop. There are no puddle of tears. But Anton’s pants are soaked in his own urine. Jatt Starr grabs Gilda and gives her a hug. She begins to struggle.::::
JATT STARR: Shh-sh-sh. It’s okay.
::::Gilda tries to break free, struggling to get free.:::
JATT STARR: It’s okay.
::::Finally, Gilda gives in and allows her father to comfort her. She breaks down. Thinking at how the Children of Ota’Topeht duped her mother to get her to convert to their ways and then how they manipulated and threatened her on when she wanted to take Gilda away from them. Thinking how blinded she was to her mother’s pain and sacrifice for much of her life. Thinking how she wants to inflict as much suffering on those who were responsible for her mother’s death. The Founder. Elder Paxton. Elder Francis. Matron Harriette. Thinking how fearful she would be if they find her. Thinking how fearful she is that she enjoys inflicting pain.:::
GILDA: She told me what they were. I didn’t listen. Now she’s gone…I’m alone.
JATT STARR: You’re fine now. And you aren’t alone. You have me. But, you did make Anton soil himself. You’re probably going to need to sell more candles pro bono.
:::The last comment causes Gilda to smile slightly.:::
GILDA: Shut up.
JATT STARR: Come on, did you see his new candle? “Pine Sweat”. It marries the scene of the great Evergeen Forest with manly sweat. It said something like “It smells like you’re working out in a Christmas Tree”.
JATT STARR: You’re going to have to sell them.
::::Gilda pulls away from her father and exits the ring. Jatt Starr slowly, and I mean SLOWLY, follows. Gilda helps her father back into his chair. Hugo begins cowering away from Gilda.:::
GILDA: Hugo, I’m sorry.
::::Hugo scampers to his feet and backs away from Gilda and the Monarch of MadagaStarr. He turns back towards the ring.::::
HUGO: Fuck this, Anton! I’m done! I QUIT!!!
::::Hugo proceeds to storm back to the employee’s lounger to get his personal effects:::
GILDA: Oh my gosh. I feel so bad.
JATT STARR: He’ll be fine. Like a cat, he’ll land on his feet.
GILDA: You think so?
JATT STARR: Sure. Why not?
::::Gilda begins pushing the wheelchair towards the exit. A conflicted look comes across her face, she opens her mouth to ask a question, but hesitates. Ultimately, she decides to ask.:::
GILDA: Why can’t I control myself?
JATT STARR: You want ice cream? I think you need ice cream.
GILDA: Can we get smoothies instead?
JATT STARR: Blech. Fine.
GILDA: They’re healthier.
JATT STARR: The Ruler of Jattlantis would rather have two scoops of vanilla with sprinkles.
GILDA: You didn’t answer my question. Why can’t I control myself?
JATT STARR: That’s not for me to answer. What I can tell you is that if you can just unleash your fury in the ring, you’ll be a champion in no time. You will be the greatest wrestler since….me!
GILDA: I told you, I don’t care about the accolades.
JATT STTARR: Geez, have I taught you nothing? We are going to need to amp up your in-ring attire.
GILDA: Not again.
::::Gilda stops and walks ahead of the Jattlantic City Idol and opens the door for him.:::
JATT STARR: It’s tan! It lacks color and excitement!
GILDA: I want to get noticed on my ability not because of what I wear.
JATT STARR: Clothes can only enhance your visibility.
:::Jatt Starr rolls out of the gymnasium towards the parking lot. The fresh air is invigorating. Free of the smells of candles, sweat, and pee pee, the Jattanese Warrior can finally breathe.:::
GILDA: What about olive green?
JATT STARR: Who are you? General Patton? Think brighter colors! Or at least a style. Maybe you should try—-
::::The doors close behind them. Moments pass and the sound of Anton slowly coming to echoes in the gymnasium. Anton then mutters profanities to himself as he realizes that he had spent a penny in his knickers. Anton, though, is too involved in his own problems and perhaps still feeling the effects from the blows to his chest, neck, and head, to notice his lone and now former employee Hugo Scorpio, carrying his duffel bag, walks by the ring and flips Anton the middle finger as he approaches the door way s the scene comes to an end.:::