Posted by Christopher America
:::SCENE: The luxury apartment of Jatt Starr. The blinds are drawn, the only light in the living room is coming from the television and his smart phone screen. The Thane of Starrkarth is lying on the couch, he is holding the phone to face. The sound of the forty inch television is low, but Angela Lansbury has arrived at her destination, this episode it’s Connecticut, so someone is about to get killed. Probably Robert Stack or Bert Convy. Of course, Jatt Starr prefers the Cabot Cove episodes but if she stayed there, the townsfolk would all be dead by the end of the series.
Forty-eight text messages and twelve voicemails to Sektor over the last forty-eight hours without a response. There is no word that he had been arrested or admitted into a hospital. The Ruler of Jattlantis called all police precincts, fire departments, hospitals, and escort services over the past couple of days, no response. Of course, he could have used an assumed name like Brannigan O’Sexchap when going to a house of ill repute or contacting an escort service. But then again, John Sektor always boasted that he “doesn’t pay for it”.
The King of Grapple from the Big Apple puts the phone on his chest, over the logo of the black “Fringe” t-shirt he is sporting. His hair makes him look like a blonde and portlier yet more athletic version of Doc Brown from “Back to the Future”.
Worry. Concern. Stress. Hair loss. Stress eating. That’s on Sektor. The selfish prick. Unless he’s dead. Then it becomes guilt, stress, hair loss, no eating, more drinking of alcohol, the Hollywood Bruvs will become the Tag Team Champions which will lead to more drinking causing his liver will swell up to the size of a watermelon and probably burst from appendicitis.
Think positive thoughts. That’s what he has to tell himself. The anxiety, the shortness of breath, and overwhelming sense of doom is counterproductive.
Normally, he would have Hugo go out and pick him up some Taco Bell or Wendy’s, but that disfigured bastard is a massive rat turd who has never heard the term “bros before hoes”. And the news could have waited until AFTER the Tag Team Title match.
It’s Hugo’s fault for adding emptiness and melancholy to how he feels.
Plus, he probably fouled up the rig that was going to release the powder and if that mouthy wart, Mikey Unlikely, hadn’t hit the table, the box would not have fallen and Sektor would be here right now bragging about his latest sexual conquest, downing a whiskey, and berating the Hero of Jattlanta for missing another training session. Yes, when he thinks of Mikey Unlikely and Jesse Toothpicks, all he feels is rage.
Suffice it to say, he feels like he is on an emotional rollercoaster.
A notification on his phone. Jatt Starr looks at his phone hoping it’s not another email from Old Navy. He signed up just to get ten percent off some pants and now they barrage his email twice a day.
“SEKTOR: Best Arena. NOW. Urgent. Epicenter”
The fog of negativity lifts and suddenly the Jattagonian Giant has a spring in his step. Of course, he cannot go out like this, so obviously, he must get changed and fix his hair.::::
:::An hour later, Jatt Starr arrives wearing a houndstooth overcoat, khakis, a Flux Capacitor t-shirt, and burgundy Adidas sneakers with black striped and soles. Sektor is in the StarrSek Industries Epicenter, the second the door opens, Sektor who was sitting in a chair with his feet up, pops out of his chair, his eyes light up looking at his co-HOW Tag Team Champion. For his part, Jatt Starr is serious, he has to appear that way in order to admonish the Gold Standard whilst hiding the relief he is feeling.::::
JATT STARR: What the heck, Sektor! Where the hell were you?! Do you have any idea how worried you made me?
SEKTOR: You’re here! Fuckin’ A! First off, thanks for the little present. It’s your fuckin’ fault that I’ve been M.I.A.! That little gift of yours sent me on a wild trip.
JATT STARR: What gift? What are you talking about? What happened?
SEKTOR: “What gift”….Riiiiiiiight. Keeping it on the down low. Got it. I am not saying another fucking word about it. But….this little device of yours has taken me places.
JATT STARR: Like a car? Are you still tripping on that powder?
SEKTOR: Well, I am just returning it to you. Unless…another go around?
JATT STARR: What are you talking about? Will this help us with beating the Hollywood Bruvs and retaining our HOW Tag Team Championships? The belts that we collectively find more precious than cheeseburgers, “Star Wars”, and most pizza?
SEKTOR: I don’t fuckin’ know. Maybe? It has taught me that it’s more important than ever to beat the Bruvs. Just trust me.
:::The Gold Standard walks over to the suitcase on the table and opens it. His hands shake with excitement. All the Mayor of ManJattan can make is some flashing lights of some kind.::::
SEKTOR: Are you ready?
JATT STARR: Maybe I should go to the bathroom first before—-
SEKTOR: Too late!
::::A black hole inexplicably appears in front of Jatt Starr who looks at it in wonder and fear. Panic begins to set in as Sektor shoves the Jattlantic City Idol into the portal. Suddenly, after a spectrum of swirling colors, there is a flash of light, blinding him. As his sight returns, he experiences a wave of dizziness where is about to topple over as if he had just gotten off the Cyclone in Coney Island. He regains his footing and notices he is standing in an empty conference room. There is a clear tarp on the floor and the faint scent of paint. Standing two feet across from him, holding the open suitcase in his hand is Sektor.::::
JATT STARR: What the hell? Where’s my stuff? Where’s my boxes of screenplays? Where’s the whiteboard? Where are my autographed photos?
SEKTOR: Fucking wild, right?
JATT STARR: Where are we?
SEKTOR: Stop with the act. You told me you’ve done this shit before.
JATT STARR: Yeah, I think I would remember if I was “Quantum Leaping” all over the place.
SEKTOR: Then how did—? Was I hallucinating you?
JATT STARR: How the hell would I know that? What’s going on?
SEKTOR: We are actually in another reality, an alternate timeline.
:::The Champion of Jattanooga looks out the window as Sektor closes the suitcase.::::
JATT STARR: It doesn’t look any different out there. No acid rain or nuclear clouds.
SEKTOR: Trust me.
::::The Gold Standard proceeds to exit the room with confidence and excitement, like a child going to Disney World for the first time. The Jattinum Standard slowly walks out behind him, with hesitance and fear.
The corridor looks no different. The same drab paint job. The same garbage can placed directly across the door. Sektor begins walking down the hallway. The King of Grapple from the Big Apple, however, cowers behind him. But with each step he takes, Jatt feels a bit more comfortable, the surroundings completely recognizable. He begins to wonder if Sektor pulled some David Copperfield level of illusion on him.::::
VOICE (off camera): Theeeeeeeerrrrrre’s JOHNNY!
:::The Tag Team Champions both stop in their tracks at the sound of the familiar voice behind them.::::
SEKTOR (whispering to Jatt): Whatever happens, just play along, amigo.
::::Both men turn and see the man standing behind them. The Jatti Master’s eyes widen and jaw drops. Standing in front of them, wearing a Kilton K-5 navy suit, black Louis Bitton snakeskin shoes, and one half of the HOW Tag Team Championship belts over his shoulder, is Mikey Unlikely.::::
MIKEY UNLIKELY: I got a line on the huge card game Thursday. Twenty-five thousand dollar pot. I was thinking maybe the same arrangement as last month. Me and Jesse, you and Mario, if one of our teams win, winner splits the pot seventy-thirty.
JATT STARR: We have other things to do than play poker.
MIKEY UNLIKEY: Poker?
:::Mikey begins laughing. The Jattlantic City Idol has a confused look on his face.:::
MIKEY UNLIKELY (pointing at Jatt and laughing): This guy!!!
SEKTOR: Yeah, man, I don’t—-
MIKEY UNLIKELY: It’s a “Magic: The Gathering” tournament. We are going to bilk those mommy basement virgins for their Dorito money. Where did you find this—-
::::Mikey Unlikely finally takes a look at Jatt Starr.::::
MIKEY UNLIKELY: Uncanny.
::::Mikey leans into Jatt Starr’s face with wonder, examining it like a scientist with an extraterrestrial artifact.::::
MIKEY UNLIKELY: The resemblance is amazing.
::::Mikey is almost entranced by Jatt’s facial features however Jatt is a looking (and feeling) increasingly annoyed.::::
JATT STARR: Would you mind getting the fuck out of my face?
::::Mikey looks into the Thane of Starrkarth’s eyes and smiles, holding his hands up, as he takes a step back.:::
MIKEY UNLIKEY: Sorry guy. It’s just amazing.
:::Mikey turns to Sektor with a smirk on his face and glint in his eye.::::
MIKEY UNLIKELY: I gotta hand it to you, John, it’s brilliant. Personally, I would have found someone a little less…..pudgy. But hey, it was probably the best of the bunch, am I right?
::::Mikey slaps Sektor on the arm.::::
MIKEY UNLIKEY: What’s the move? You messing with Kael before the match?
JATT STARR: Match?
MIKEY UNLIKEY: What? Big John here’s looking to unseat Max Kael as HOW Champion, ending his two year reign as champ. (To Sektor) Oh, yeah, you might not want the Queen Bitch to see this. She’ll flip her lid.
MIKEY UNLIKELY: Hiring a lookalike to portray her dead husband just to get inside of the head of her bro? You got massive balls.
JATT STARR: Wait. Dead? Who’s dead? Who’s husband?
MIKEY UNLIKELY: Geez, John, you’re not doing this Jatt Starr lookalike any favors by not getting him up to speed.
JATT STARR: “Lookalike”? I am Jatt Starr!
MIKEY UNLIKEY: That is so method! I appreciate the dedication to the gimmick.
:::Mikey gives Jatt Starr a condescending light slap on the cheek.::::
JATT STARR: Touch me again and you’ll be pulling back a stump, got it?
MIKEY UNLIKEY: Oooo! Frightening! John, you might tell your little actor friend that Jatt Starr doesn’t use profanity. If he starts dropping “F” bombs like he’s Samuel L. Jackson, no one’s gonna buy it. I hope he scrambles that deranged jackass’s brain. Oh speaking of which, did you hear about Gilda? She hit rockbottom and left a month ago, completely disappeared. I guess being the office skank will do that, right? Used up and tossed aside. By the way, when was your ride on the Gilda sex train? Before or after Mike Best?
SEKTOR: I have no idea what you’re talking about.
MIKEY UNLIKELY: Sure you do. After Max killed Jatt at Rumble at the Rock, Gilda went through that whole period where she was Lee Best’s little sex toy that he passed around. Mike, Solex, Giles, and who knows who else.
SEKTOR: I never laid a finger on her.
MIKEY UNLIKELY: I could swear you were bragging about giving her a little backdoor action.
:::Sektor feels Jatt Starr’s murderous gaze as he protests against being involved with whatever sexcapades Gilda and the locker room were involved with. The Earl of GlouStarr can feel his face getting redder and redder the more Mikey continues to talk.::::
SEKTOR: It wasn’t me.
MIKEY UNLIKELY: Fine, it wasn’t you. I have no idea why you’re being so modest about it. Chicks with daddy AND abandonment issues, easy, am I right? I heard she was super tight. That’s what Jesse was saying. Unfortunately, I didn’t get my turn, but by that point, who would want to, right? You snooze, you lose.
::::The Champion of Jattanooga begins processing several pieces of information at once, feeling the seed anger swelling inside him growing into a redwood of rage. This reality’s Jatt is dead, killed by Max, and his daughter was passed around like a doobie at Willie Nelson concert. He feels his eye twitch. And did he say Jatt was married? Mikey looks over at Jatt Starr.::::
MIKEY UNLIKELY: Oh. Hey, buddy, you having a stroke or something?
SEKTOR: No, he’s, uh, he’s fine. He just, uh, had an Indian burrito for lunch and, uh, he’s had some explosive diarrhea.
MIKEY UNLIKELY: Was it from Davey’s Indian Palace? That place is shit. Oh! What time is it?
::::Mikey dramatically pulls up his sleeve revealing a very ostentatious watch, almost shoving it in Jatt Starr’s face..::::
MIKEY UNLIKELY: I have got to meet Jesse. We’re discussing our match strategy against The Broadway Boyz.
SEKTOR: “The Broadway Boyz”?
MIKEY UNLIKELY: Brian Broadway and Darin Matthewski?
JATT STARR: You mean Brian Hollywood.
MIKEY UNLIKELY: Not since we won the case last month. Can you believe those dumb shits didn’t trademark their name? Our lawyers ate those two or breakfast…and lunch…and dinner….and then breakfast again. The next time either one of them uses the Hollywood name, they will be in the gutter sucking cock for crack quicker than you can say “Cha-Ching”.
::::Mikey raises his hand for a high five, he is left hanging, but his sleeve is pulled down to accentuate the hardware on his wrist.::::
MIKEY UNLIKELY: I see you noticed my watch, pretty sweet, huh?
JATT STARR: No.
MIKEY UNLIKELY: Gift from the big man upstairs for crippling Kostoff. They say he may never walk again, pretty sweet right? Eighty-five thousand, real rubies and diamonds. It’s custom made by Patek Philippe.
::::Mikey Unlikely gives Jatt Starr (who is trying very hard not to grab Mikey and bash his head repeatedly into the brick wall until his skull caves in and all that’s left above the shoulders is a mound of viscera, shards of cranium, and mound of ground human meat) a very hard, “friendly” slap on the arm.::::
MIKEY UNLIKELY: Nice to meet you, guy. John! Thursday! Call me! I’m serious.
::::Mikey backs up.::::
MIKEY UNLIKELY: And no profanity!
::::Mikey points and winks at Jatt Starr before doing an about face and struts cockily down the corridor, the confidence oozing off of him, like a snail leaving a trail of slime. The Jattsylvanian Count immediately shoots Sektor a murderous look. Sektor looks over, almost befuddled.::::
::::The Sultan of SeaJattle grabs Sektor and shoves him up against the wall.::::
JATT STARR: I’M DEAD????
:::Sektor shoves Jatt Starr off of him.::::
SEKTOR: In THIS timeline? Yes, apparently you are! But you are very much alive in other timelines.
JATT STARR: I’m dead and apparently, my daughter has been turned into a fucking whore.
SEKTOR: Jatt, relax. There might be timeline where we’re women or….I dunno….married or something.
JATT STARR: HOW DOES THAT HELP?!
SEKTOR: You can’t take it too seriously. Other than the fact that in most timelines the Bruvs are Tag Team Champions.
::::Jatt Starr, faced with punching Sektor in the face or just running down the corridor, hoping to find some place where he can think, darts down the hallway. Sektor is left confused, holding the suitcase. He starts after Jatt, but loses him amid the twists and turns of the Best Arena hallway.
Jatt Starr has ducked into an office. He leans against the door and just collapses onto the floor. His mind is scattering in all different directions. Unable to process anything. All he can do is have a panic attack, hyperventilate, and pass out.:::::
::::Fifteen minutes pass. The Jattagonian Giant sits in darkness. He has managed to convince himself to compartmentalize his feelings. Sektor is right, this is another life. A “what could have been” moment. But, the fact that Mikey Unlikely could just talk about what happened to his daughter as if he were giving instructions on how to make the perfect taco, will not be forgotten. A douche bag in this reality, a douche bag in another.
Although, since Jatt Starr is dead in this reality, the Sultan of SeaJattle could murder Mikey and get away with it. It’s the perfect crime!
The Marquis of MadagaStarr exits the office and proceeds down the hallway. He passes some familiar faces in his timeline, others are foreign to him. He continues down the hallway and sees Brian Bare, fixing himself a coffee at a craft table.::::
JATT STARR: Hey, Brian.
:::The HOW interviewer’s response is inaudible grumbling.:::
JATT STARR: HEY! BARE!
::::Brian BARE sighs and looks up.::::
BRIAN BARE: Unless you’re somebody, I don’t have to talk to you. And from where I stand, you look like a no…..Hey, has anyone ever told you that you look like Jatt Starr?
JATT STARR: Yeah, he’s a….relative. I was wondering if you could tell me what happened to him? How did he die?
BRIAN BARE: You haven’t seen it? Everyone’s seen it. Even Raoul, my former drug dealer who lives on a Christian compound in Iowa has seen it.
JATT STARR: Yeah, well, I haven’t been to Iowa, so what happened?
BRIAN BARE: Not only do you have a similar look, but you sound almost exactly like him.
JATT STARR: How he died?
BRIAN BARE: Max impaled him with the flag of Maxopatamia and then had trained pitbulls defile and eat the corpse. All in front of a live audience. Grisly stuff.
JATT STARR: By the gods….
BRIAN BARE: But hey, you wanna know more about Jatt, see his wife, Ripley. Her office is down the hall to the left. Public Relations.
JATT STARR: I might just do that.
::::The thought of meeting his wife from this timeline piques his curiosity. He leaves the sad, pale, depressing walking corpse that is Brian Bare (for Jatt, it’s good to know that someone hasn’t changed in this timeline) and heads down the hallway. He passes the locker rooms for Dan Ryan, Zeb Martin, someone named “E-Z P-Z”, and Ethan Cavanaugh before making a left turn down another corridor. He sees a sign “Public Relations – Ripley E.T. Kael-Starr”.
“Max has a sister?! And I ended up married to her?” Jatt Starr thinks to himself. Now, his curiosity has reached a new level. He knocks twice on the door and then immediately opens it. Sitting behind a desk is Ripley Kael-Starr. She has had some work done. A clear boob job, her breasts nearing popping out of her top, some botox, and lip work done. Her black hair with a blonde stripe is pulled back into a tight bun. She sports eyeglasses with large red frames. She looks up at Jatt Starr with her almond shaped green eyes.::::
RIPLEY: Can I help you?
::::She forces a fake smile revealing her perfectly straight and bleached white teeth. Aside from the shape of her smile, there is no resemblance to Max. Jatt Starr, not waiting for an invite, takes a seat in the cushioned chair across from Ripley.::::
JATT STARR: The pleasure is mine.
RIPLEY: Nice to meet you too? What can I do for you….have we met?
JATT STARR: Maybe? I don’t recall meeting you.
::::Suddenly, the smile leaves Ripley’s face. There seems to be a hint of recognition before she purses her lips.::::
RIPLEY: I see what’s going on.
JATT STARR: You do?
RIPLEY: Which is it?
JATT STARR: Pardon?
RIPLEY: You’re either one of Lee Best’s sick jokes, having some third rate impersonator host the Jatt Starr Cup, fucking prick, or you’re related to Simon coming here for what? A handout? Maybe looking for a piece of the inheritance?
JATT STARR: What? No!
RIPLEY: You think I’m some ditzy tart? You’re basically a fat version of him.
JATT STARR: I wouldn’t say fat.
RIPLEY: Just admit it.
JATT STARR: Fine, maybe a little heavier than I should be but it’s the cheese, I can’t—
RIPLEY: Good Lord, you are SO related….
JATT STARR: Related! Yes! I am his cousin from….Alaska. Anchorage.
RIPLEY: Alaska, huh? And what’s your name?
JATT STARR: My name?
JATT STARR: Burt….Convy….Sparrow. Yes. Burt C. Sparrow. Of the Alaskan Sparrows.
RIPLEY: Like the game show host?
JATT STARR: And actor.
:::Ripley considers this and looks at Jatt. The similarities between Simon and Burt are astounding. From the voice, the eyes, the lips, the nose, the goofiness. She smiles at him. To Jatt, it’s that same reptilian smile Max had, only with collagen lips.::::
RIPLEY: I have to say, you remind me so much of Simon, so I’m just going to level with you. There is no fucking way in hell you are getting one red cent of the eight million dollar estate. Not from me, not from the lawyers. Whether it’s money or his Leonard Nimoy signed “Star Trek” phaser or the lone VHS copy of “Jattcula”, you’re not getting it. I earned it!
Every piece of it.
JATT STARR: No, no, no! I just wanted to hear the story of his death. It came as quite a shock in Alaska, where I am from and live.
RIPLEY: You want the truth?
JATT STARR: There is no sense in lying. We’re family.
:::The Starrcelona Icon smiles a confident smile, one that typically does not work because it can also be misconstrued as smug or arrogant.::::
RIPLEY: Alrighty. The truth is, Simon died years before my brother killed him. We were together for fourteen years, married for four. The first few years were amazing. He was goofy, sweet, and he listened. It helped that he was good looking. We hit it off. We were in love. Over time, though, his and Max’s one upmanship began to consume him, Lee’s influence corrupted him more and more.
JATT STARR: Well, I’m sure he loved you.
RIPLEY: He loved winning more than me. It seemed like he loved championships, Lee, hating my brother, and then caring about me. He started asking me to change myself. First, it was the eyes. He said when he was “making love” to me, whenever he looked into my eyes, all he saw was Max.
JATT STARR: Damn, that’s warped.
RIPLEY: I agreed. Then it was “your lips were too similar to Max’s”. “Lee says you have the chest of a teenage boy, how about a boob job”? “We have to be mindful of our appearance”, that’s what he said whenever Lee criticized me. Every change he requested, I went along with it. I must have been out of my fucking head for doing it, but I did. Appearances my ass. I butchered my body for him and what does he do? He takes up with Blaire Moise and Lord knows who else.
JATT STARR: NICE!
:::The Sovereign of Starrgentina is impressed with his alternate timeline self, but immediately catches himself and tries to recover, as he catches Ripley staring at him most disdainfully::::
JATT STARR: That was sarcasm.
RIPLEY: There’s your truth. When Max rammed that flagpole into his back, I shed no tears for him. I mourned the loss of Simon years before, all those lonely nights watching old movies. And I put up with it. By the end, there was no Simon Sparrow, just Jatt Starr, Ruler of Jattlantis. Don’t even get me started on his daughter. The way he marketed and used her, with her background, it’s no wonder she went off the deep end. I had to get her out of this place and into a rehab facility once I learned she was with Benny.
JATT STARR: NEWELL???
RIPLEY: Pathetic, right? Anyway, with him gone, I get to play the role of the mournful widow and these suckers eat it up. I’m like Jackie Fucking-O to these people. A role model for women. A fraud. Propped up here by Lee Best to let the world know, “Hey, we’re employing the late Jatt Starr’s wife and Max Kael’s sister”. It’s bullshit. Like I said, it’s all about appearances.
:::The Baron of Boca Jatton, listening to this story, alleviates his guilt, somewhat, at what happened to Gilda. But Benny? That hurts, almost as much as the fact that he is dead and Max Kael killed him. It reinforces his idea that one cannot get bogged down by relationships when one has a championship, or in his case, two. He feels for Ripley. Part of him knows that he would never do this to her or anyone. But a part of him knows that the Jatt Starr of fourteen to fifteen years ago, under the tutelage of Lee Best and the Best Alliance, it’s not that far of a reach that he could have ended up being that person.::::
JATT STARR: The Jatt Starr you knew, he sounds like a real pestiferous fribble. Thank you. I have to say, this has been the most disturbing yet insightful discussion I have ever had about fribble.
:::Ripley chuckles and there’s a moment when she sees Simon in front of her, the Simon she knew. From the goofy insult and the sincerity in his voice, for the briefest moment, she allows herself to remember the Simon she met.:::
RIPLEY: There’s something about you, Burt, I can’t explain it…and I don’t normally do this, I know people say that, but I mean it….but would you like to get a drink later?
::::The Sultan of SeaJattle finds himself speechless. Yes, because an attractive woman is asking him out on a date, which to him must mean hell is freezing over. But also, his normal social anxieties bubble up, he races to think of what to say, the butterflies are flapping their wings with cyclonic force in his stomach. All he can muster is….::::
JATT STARR: I’ve got to pee. Can you hold that thought?
::::The Hero of Jattlanta pops out of the chair and opens the door and bolts out before Ripley can answer. Sektor, he must find Sektor. In doing so, he runs down the hall, passing The Game Boy who is standing in front of Conor Fuse’s dressing room (which has a “Super Mario” Super Star on the door above his name — thank God some things did not change).:::::
JATT STARR: JOHN!!! HEY JOHN!!!
::::The Earl of GlouStarr sees Sektor walking in the distance. As he is running, he is grabbed and pulled into a maintenance closet. Sektor is in the closet and places both hands over Jatt Starr’s mouth.::::
SEKTOR (whispering): Shut up! Don’t say a word. We cannot let that Sektor see me.
JATT STARR: Especially in the closet with a “Jatt Starr lookalike”. What the hell was that? Mikey is lucky I didn’t shove my foot so far up his ass that he’d choke on my laces.
SEKTOR: Where the fuck have you been? I got roped into a conversation with Jesse Fucking Kendrix about why he likes “Pokemon” more than “Magic: The Gathering”. Like I know the difference between a Pee-kah-chew and a Ho-No. That was a real fucking fun conversation to have until Steve Solex showed up with chili. Apparently, people like it, something about spicy chocolate, I wouldn’t know because apparently I’m a militant fuckin’ vegan in this reality. Where the fuck were you?
JATT STARR: My wife asked me out on a date. Well, not my wife, this Jatt Starr’s widow asked me out on a date.
SEKTOR: Really? What’d you say?
JATT STARR: I said I had to pee and ran out.
SEKTOR: Dios mio! Jatt! If you can’t bang your own alternate reality doppelganger’s widow, what’s the fucking point?
JATT STARR: Gee, can you imagine the moment when I drop “trou” and she realizes what an amazing coincidence that her dead husband and his cousin Burt from Alaska both have one testicle. I don’t know how that would go over.
SEKTOR: You have a cousin Burt?
JATT STARR: I’m Burt!
SEKTOR: Holy fuck, when I did I become you?
JATT STARR: Look, I am in crisis here. I think we should go back to our time or reality or whatever and never speak of this place again. My daughter’s a slut, I’m dead, I was apparently a massive asshole before I died, and I married Max—
SEKTOR: You were always kinda an ass—
JATT STARR: Shut up!
SEKTOR: I’m fine goin’ back but just to be clear, you’re not gonna fuck your own widow?
JATT STARR: No! Of course not!
SEKTOR: Seems like a missed opportunity to me. Alright, we need to get the fuck out of here and back to the conference room.
JATT STARR: What does it matter?
SEKTOR: I am not opening a fuckin’ portal in a tiny closet.
JATT STARR: Fine! I’ll make sure the coast is clear.
:::The LSD Champion opens the door and peers out. The corridor seems safe, so he waves Sektor out. They start walking down the hallway.::::
SEKTOR: I don’t know why you’ve got your panties in a twist, I found out I’m a militant vegan in this reality. Fuck vegetables. I demand steak, chicken, pork.
JATT STARR: I’m sure the me in this reality would much rather die at the hands of that demented psycho and get raped by feral dogs than be a vegan.
SEKTOR: That’s fucked up.
::::The two men continue down the hallway and finally make it back to the somewhat freshly painted conference room, before entering the room, he catches a glimpse of Mikey Unlikely walking down the hallway, talking into an iPhone, someone named “Oxana” or “Svetlana” about reservations to Le Bernardin.::::
JATT STARR: Is it wrong to want to steal Mikey’s HOW Tag Team Championship?
SEKTOR: Better if we win it our-fucking-selves.
::::They enter the conference room, Jatt Starr closes the door behind them. Sektor opens the case and pulls out the small tv remote looking device.:::
JATT STARR: That’s what it looks like? I thought it would be bigger.
SEKTOR: Title of your sex tape?
JATT STARR: Seriously?
SEKTOR: A little fuckin’ levity. Sorry.
::::Sektor hits the button on the remote and the large black hole appears as the door opens. Jatt Starr and Sektor proceed to enter the portal. They return to the “StarrSek Industries” Epicenter. The Ruler of Jattlantis becomes dizzy and he is possibly hallucinating as a side effect from travelling between realities because he sees himself standing in front of him. Sektor is the first to speak.::::
SEKTOR: What is this?
::::Sitting on one of the chairs, with his legs up on another, is Jatt Starr. Another Jatt Starr. This Jatt Starr is slightly thinner and has a goatee. He is well dressed, a black suit and black dress shirt. His blonde hair slicked back. The Goateed Jatt Starr pops out of the chair and approaches Sektor.::::
GOATEED JATT: FINALLY! You’re back! I believe you have something of mine.
SEKTOR: I thought it was a gift.
GOATEED JATT: Yeah, right. (pointing to Jatt) Except you brought this one along.
GOATEED JATT: I gave you, YOU, Sektor the opportunity to see how your other selves would live, to show you that you have potential you have not even tapped into yet, and to inspire you to defeat the Hollywood Bruvs. God, I hate those guys. Did you know they are tag team champions in ninety-three percent of all timelines where they are both alive? And more than half of them are cocky about it, even the three timelines where . That’s besides the point, this Jatt Starr, Simon Sparrow, F.R.E.D., Herbert Dellawonkey or whatever he calls himself here has too fragile a mind to handle it.
SEKTOR: That was you? And not him?
GOATEED JATT: Of course. No offense, but your Jatt is a bit of a mental dud. (To Jatt) I bet you found something out about yourself in the reality you entered and spent the whole time obsessing over it.
JATT STARR: I think “obsessing” is a bit of a reach….
SEKTOR: I’m not giving it back. You can’t give a gift back, it’s, it’s—-
JATT STARR: Uncivilized. Which Jatt Starr are you?
GOATEED JATT: I’m the Jatt Starr with ridiculously fast growing facial hair that stole state of the art technology from Max Kael who was planning on using it to bring other Max Kaels to my timeline in an effort to conquer the world. Unfortunately, he managed to bring one back with him and now they are main eventing at “March 2 Glory”, Kael versus Kael in Chainsaw Steel Cage Match. Winner decapitates the loser with a chainsaw. Too Mad Max for my liking. Anyway, hand it over.
JATT STARR: Wait. Can you tell us if we will win at “March 2 Glory”? Do we retain our titles? And how do we do it?
GOATEED JATT: This is not a Mother Goosing Time Machine! It’s a Fusion Alternate Reality Teleporter. Otherwise known as a F.A.R.T., and while it does have capabilities of going into multiple future timelines, nothing is set in stone and it involves many mathematical and scientific equations and theories too complicated for you to comprehend, so I cannot answer that question, so if you’ll excuse me, I will be taking it back.
::::The Goateed Jatt snatches the F.A.R.T. from Sektor and hits the button.::::
GOATEED JATT: Fare thee well, fellow travelers!!!!
::::There is an awkward silence as Sektor and Jatt Starr stare at the Goateed Jatt Starr.::::
GOATEED JATT: The F.A.R.T. is going to take a moment, sometimes it needs to regenerate.
JATT STARR; So what’s the worst Sektor and Jatt Starr you’ve experienced?
GOATEED JATT: The reality where Sektor becomes a hoarder and Jatt Starr sells health and life insurance to his opponents before each match. You are not a tag team in that reality.
JATT STARR: Are we the best tag team version of StarrSek Industries you’ve seen?
:::Goateed Jatt is becoming impatient and begins mashing the button, hoping that the F.A.R.T. will regenerate faster.:::
GOATEED JATT: You know what? Sure, why not?
JATT STARR: Oh! Is there a reality where Jatt Starr and Ripley Kael are happy?
::::The portal forms behind the Goateed Jatt Starr.::::
GOATEED JATT: Thank Zorg. FARE THEE WELL, FELLOW TRAVELLERS!!!!
JATT STARR: Wait! My question!
SEKTOR: It’s done it’s over.
::::Sektor puts a brotherly arm over Jatt Starr’s shoulder and starts walking towards the door.:::
JATT STARR: Yeah. I’m alive, LSD and HOW Tag Team Champions, single, alone, kind of an ass apparently.
SEKTOR: EH. Better to be kind of an ass than whatever the fuck you wanna call Mike Best, Mikey Unlikely, Darin Zion, or Brian Hollywood.
JATT STARR: That’s true. But dang, I am going to be in an existential crisis for the foreseeable future.
SEKTOR: Can it wait until after March 2 Glory?
JATT STARR: Oh yeah, obviously.
::::Sektor and Jatt Starr exit the room and close the door. The portal to their reality and another hums before closing. And it leaves Jatt Starr with many questions. Will the Goateed Jatt Starr ever be back? Who will win the Max Kael versus Max Kael Chainsaw Steel Cage Decapitation Match? Will he ever see Ripley Kael again? Why is there no Ripley Kael in his timeline? Did they create a tear in the space time continuum? How can Mikey Unlikely be so douchey? Is the Jatti Master on the path of being an enormous asshole? The Champion of Jattanooga does not know what questions he will get answers to, but there is one answer he is certain of: Will StarrSek Industries still be the HOW Tag Team Champions after March 2 Glory? Yes. END SCENE.::::