Narrator: Good evening, America! Welcome to the Piranha Pit—where America’s self-made entrepreneurs invest their fortunes into tomorrow’s greatest ideas. Folks, we’ve got a pitch tonight that promises to bring REAL LOVE into your home.
The lights flash up into a stage within the boardroom where a bunch of B-Level Millionaires surround a solid oak table. Each one of them have their hands folded across their checkbooks. The camera turns around, focusing on a rather fat, bald man in his 50s. Proudly wearing a classic navy suit, navy tie, and white shirt, he unfolds his hands. Waving to the viewers at home, this guy’s smile is a worth a million dollars. His shiny white teeth gleam into the camera while he continues to turn up his charm.
Narrator: Introducing our first Piranha, from New York City; please welcome Mr. Sensational Shawn O’Malley!!!!
Mr. Sensational nods before our attention is pulled over to a gorgeous, blonde woman. You can sense she’s laser-focused, ready to get through this meeting. She glances down at her watch with a nonchalant look on her face.
Narrator: And our second Piranha is from Chicago. She’s the queen from the Home Purchasing Channel. Please welcome Lila Gehr!!!!!
The woman sneers before the cameras take us over to our next Piranha. Clearly, this man is twitching all over the place His right eye opens and closes at a rapid rate. This Handsome Lebanese man cannot focus for a minute, ready to get his next fix.
Narrator: Let’s not forget our third Piranha for tonight…he’s a businessman whose built many empires. From sports, drugs, and cars to the Pit…here is MACK HOAGIE!!!!
The man stands up while a standing ovation track is played over the system. Mr. Hoagie takes a few bows while the other Piranhas roll their eyes. Finally, the most intimidating piranha comes on camera. His dark skin extenuates his amazing goatee. His suit is rather electric, a nice silver filled with light blue pattern. The smug swagger in his motions sends a chill down your spine.
Narrator: Finally, give our guest Piranha some love!!!! From Valparaiso, Indiana; wrestling school tycoon legend; JAROME OWENS.
He scoffs at the crowd while he brushes off the chorus of boos Mack plays over his Bluetooth speaker to annoy him.
Narrator: Tonight’s pitch is a unique idea from a blue chipper wrestler from the San Diego market. Tonight’s young lion stepping into the board room is here to ERECT a new path in his career. After seeing America’s lack of BEEF in the bedroom; he vowed to show how men to achieve REAL LOVE. Please welcome HOW professional wrestler….The 4Z Network…REAAAAAAL LOOOOOOOVE DAAAAARIN ZION!
REO Speedwagon’s “Keep On Loving You” plays in the background as Zion comes barging through the board room doors with force. Decked out in his blue suit with red and pink hearts printed on it, he straightens his purple tie and flashes a smile to the piranhas with confidence. While usually The Love Machine is looking to gripe and complain; he’s more focused than ever. He paces around the table, handing packets to each one of today’s Piranhas. Making his way up to the front, Darin clears his throat. Adjusting his tie, he moves right into business.
Darin Zion: Fellow Piranhas…
Jarome Owens: I’m OUT!
A scowl forms across Darin Zion’s face as he glares daggers into one of his old PWX rivals. It’s clear it’s taking everything in Zion’s power from diving across the table. Deep in the back of his mind, he wants to beat the shit out of Jarome.
Darin Zion: Jarome…
Jarome Owens: Call me, Mr. Owens, Darin. I don’t give you permission to use my real name in this board room.
Darin Zion: Mr. Owens, I think you should hear my business idea ou-
Jarome Owens: No thank you, Mr. Zion. I fuckin’ hate your guts. You ruined my reputation in the business in Indiana. I had to close my wrestling school down and start a new career in the supplement industry. You cost my family their glory at fourth generation of Owens in the wrestling business. You will not see a dime of my money today. GOOD DAY!
In a dramatic fashion, Jarome twirls his chair around. The Indiana Native pushes right through the board room, stomping off the set. The other Piranhas now cross their arms against their chests. Zion’s palms shake while sweat rolls down his face. He reaches for a handkerchief from his pocket to dab. Closing his eyes for a moment, he sighs and clears his throat. Putting his hands together, he continues on with his pitch.
Darin Zion: Piranhas of America…I’m not gonna lie to your faces. Another product inspired mine…
The other three Piranhas gasp and look taken back. They lean back in their chairs in shock and horror.
Darin Zion: No, I promise I didn’t copy and paste mine like other people do. But you see, my tired LOVING heart grew tired of watching other products like this one cause different side effects.
Zion’s hand goes up into the air and points to a screen where a skinny, young, twig of a man is standing next to a gorgeous woman. The busty brunette has her attention turned away from the stupid, young, nerdy man.
Darin Zion: It’s no secret that significant others are looking for STACKED LOVE in the world. Men AND women want their LOVE partners to have a little extra…BEEF on them. After all, you’ve gotta have some power behind that STRONK THRUSTIN’ and BUSTIN’ in the bedroom.
A couple of the business folks lean forward, keenly listening into Zion’s pitch. Zion grows animated from his passion behind the product he’s created.
Darin Zion: These products promise 97,000 pounds of BEEF to PACK into your Saturday nights. My competition makes a lot of bold claims. They want you to invest millions of dollars in a flat, stale product.
Zion reaches for a glass of water on the table and takes a drink, smiling at Lila’s direction. She continues to brush his feeble attempts off to impress her.
Darin Zion: Let’s face, if you looked at a label on these products; it’d leave you horrified at the different side effects. We all know people don’t read the small print on the packages these days. Hell, most Americans can’t focus for 5 seconds to read Apple’s Terms of Services. Well I read this fucking’ small print. And it’s horrifying at all the hidden side effects this product causes! SHRINKAGE! Brain Cell Depletion! Mood Swings! Acne! Osteoporosis! Weight Gain! Muscle Weakness! Blurred Vision! Heart Palpitations. Hair loss! Swelling to the of looking like a walking Chicken McNugget! The list goes on people!
Zion slows down, controls his tone, and pulls everyone in with a softer, gentler tone. His eyes glow with passion as he clenches his fist to the side.
Darin Zion: REAL LOVE and REAL STIMULATION deserves REAL INGREDENTS that get you REAL RESULTS.
Reaching into his pocket, REAL LOVE tosses a small #97Red bottle to each of the entrepreneurs he’s pleading for a loan. Walking up to Mack Hoagie, Zion rests his arms on the well-known drug mogul’s shoulders.
Darin Zion: Piranhas…I want to introduce to you the latest cure for ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION that doesn’t cause ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION for your sweethearts. This is Zi-Agra.
The camera turns over to over to Mr. Sensational covering his mouth, trying not to lose his shit. His eyes glow while his body shakes from his laughter. Lila leans back into her chair, completely ignoring Zion’s pitch.
Darin Zion: Zi-Agra gives you that extra muscle for REAL LOVE without sacrificing your brain cells. We aren’t those products on the market that make you go UM. Zi-Agra is made to make you swoon.
Zion clicks a remote, turning to the next slide. The thin, clunky nerd transforms into a studly, young man with normal, healthy muscles. His hair doesn’t look the terribly wiry hair of Stronk Godson. It’s a thick, beautiful head of hair like Mack Hoagie’s.
Darin Zion: Zi-agra uses REAL INGREDENTS to minimize the side effects of beefing up. It doesn’t turn you into a narcissistic buffoon. My product allows you to be a sophisticated, well-rounded member of society. It won’t make you blurt out your pent-up sexual frustrations like a toddler with word diarrhea. It’ll allow you to impress the elegant, sophisticated feminists of the world while giving them all the breadth they both need and deserve.
Zion immediately throws a picture up of Stronk Godson up to prove a point to the world.
Darin Zion: Plus, you won’t look like you’re about to go into cardiac failure when beating a dead horse. Go ahead, Mr. Sensational! Try it out! I bet you’ll Mrs. Sensational’s mind away when you get home tonight.
Mr. Sensational starts skimming through the pamphlet in front of him. Shawn begins to scratch the little amount of fuzz on the side of his head, pondering for a moment.
Mr. Sensational: A very excellent pitch, Mr. Zion. Loved how you tied in some of your passive aggressiveness towards STRONKUMMMS snacks. Obviously, you’re not a fan of how Mr. Jace Parker Davidson’s shady marketing campaigns over Twitter…
Darin Zion: Well obviously given our history and all. It’s clear STRONKUUMMS have a lot of side effects. I’ve watched an old man shrivel up and turn into a fraction of himself from partaking in those goodies. You couldn’t sell me if you tried that there’s some illegal substances in that product that ruin men’s hormones.
Zion stares right into the camera, almost tempting fate for a moment. But he turns his attention back to Shawn O’Malley, who has his arms crossed around his chest.
Mr. Sensational: Anyways, before I was rudely interrupted…it’s clear you and your team have done a lot of clinical research work into the chemicals to produce REAL LOVE. But I’m not impressed with your price tag. You’re asking my crew for $9.7 Million to fund a research and testing facility.
Darin Zion: Yeah….I gotta build my Zi-Agra empire somehow. I wasn’t born into money like Brian Hollywood. Grandpa didn’t hand me down a fortune so I could go blow it on a shell of a wrestling career. I had to bust my ass in the squared circle to gain money. I need money to go to market shortly before STRONKUMS corners the market. I’ve gotta put them outta business before their make America Brain Dead from all the rotten beef. I don’t have those funds lying around.
Lila pulls her head out of her phone and starts to question Mr. Zion’s intensions. Her eyes are wide with rage.
Lila Gehr: I’ve done my research on you Mr. Zion. I’m not impressed with your past record. I’ve seen how you blew through your wrestling fortune for hookers and blow after HOW closed. Clear as day showed you working for MY company as a Data Analyst prior to this appearance. Plus how your eyes oogled me throughout the presentation. I’m out! I don’t invest in drug companies, nor do I have the capacity. I’m sorry, no offense.
Lila buries her face back into her phone and walks out of the board room. Zion turns his attention back to Mr. Sensational, getting on his knees to level with him.
Darin Zion: Look I know I don’t have the best background in this. But that’s why I need the money. You can set up a trust for accountability. I could out right sell you the idea and get a small royalty. I’m not a proud man when it comes to shilling for this investment. I’ll do anything to beat Stronk and Jace to market.
Mr. Sensational’ s eyes burn with intensity. He stands up out of his chair and slams his fists down straight on the table.
Mr. Sensational: HAVE SOME DAMN CONFIDENCE IN YOURSELF. I’ve spent my entire life building a brand. I don’t have a bunch of sniffling young entrepreneurs on staff. And for those reasons I’m…
Hoagie stands up and cuts off his partner straight at the pass. The camera focuses on the crazy, twitching Lebanese man, looking for his next fix.
Mack Hoagie: I’ll do it. I’ll invest $9.7 million into you kid. In exchange, you’re gonna give me 97% ownership. You can retain a 3% profit off what product is sold. Sorry I didn’t say anything earlier, kid. But you know me…me…me. I’m the quiet type, studying everything detail. Especially when you’re offering drugs. Call me a old-fashioned skeptic, but I find many people like you snake oil salesmen. However, after diving into your documentation in your packet and seeing you wanna make the world a better place. Son of a bitch; I’ll invest in it.
Zion pauses for a moment before shaking Hoagie’s hand. Both men hug and embrace before the scene fades to black.
“Let’s cut to the chase, Stronk. I don’t like mountainous meat heads like yourself. I grew up with too many of the high school jocks who peaked at the age of 19. If they didn’t become fat, they lost all their remaining brain cells like you.
It’s the same old fucking shit from people like you. ME BIG! ME THINK ME HAVE LICENSE FOR LOW-KEY SEXISM AND NARCICISM. ME THINK IT MACHO. Me thinks you’re a few damn French fries short of a happy meal.
Stronk, I don’t need to out power you to win. I need to out smart you. I gotta out maneuver your stiff and rigid body. Hell, I’ve gotta out FLY your ass in that ring. I’ve stood in the middle of that ring with meat heads better than yourself. They all threatened to break my bones, crush my spirit, and thwart my final form…whatever the fuck that shit means. But you know what happened when I contorted their massive legs close to their dumbo sized ears?
They tapped out like the little bitches they are. I didn’t need STRONK MUSCLES. I didn’t need to say my prayers, eat my vitamins, and BULK UP. I used god damn science and physics to my advantage. Your damn weight and muscle gives me all the power in the world, Stronk. I leverage my weight into becoming a fulcrum. I pull your leg back towards that thick skull of yours. And the force of your mass and power tie into the power that Sir Issac Newton bestowed onto me.
Let me break it down to you in terms you’ll understand, kid.
STRONK TAP LIKE A LITTLE BITCH. STRONK FINALLY GET BIG HUG FROM REAL LOVE. STRONK GET REAL LOVE THAT STRONK DAD NEVER GAVE HIM. STRONK HEART GROW 3 SIZES MORE BIG.
Make sense big guy? REAL LOVE plans on making you tap out to the LOVE HANDLE LOCK. Puny Zion will give Stronk the biggest hug in the world that it’ll make the biggest, STRONKEST man in the world tap quick. REAL LOVE will take down a REAL THREAT and punch his ticket to meet the ROCK. And no, I don’t mean Dwayne Johnson.
I need this win, Stronk, bad. I need to punch my ticket to Alcatraz and make a statement. I’m Jonesing for a hit so I can move onto the ICONIC main event in the biggest shock of a lifetime. It’s a tall fucking order. But beating someone with your stature, your power, and your girth gives REAL LOVE a chance at realizing his dreams.
Now that you’re stepping into the ring with REAL LOVE Darin Zion. I’m gonna turn that ring into a classroom. I’m gonna give you a master class in a lot of life fuckin’ lessons. But none so much as the main lesson I’ll teach you and the rest of the world.
The bigger they are; the harder they fall.”