The Last Man in Wrestling: A Podcast

The Last Man in Wrestling: A Podcast

Posted on February 3, 2024 at 9:30 pm by Steve Solex

January 26, 2024
1500hrs
Steve Solex’s Ranch Home
Podcast Studio

Solex sits leaned back in a plush leather office chair, his feet casually propped up on the table in front of him. Hung on the brick wall behind him, the words The Last Man in Wrestling glow in vibrant neon lights. Positioned on the table is an all-black Shure MV7X Podcast that matches the Shure headphones that cover his ears. Solex runs his fingers through his lush beard, when suddenly the sound of footsteps across the studio breaks his concentration. A smile grows on his face as the footsteps get closer.

“Here’s the whiskey you wanted,” Hank grumbles as he places a neatly poured whiskey onto the table next to the microphone.

Solex quickly takes his feet down from the table and sits up, leaning forward and resting his forearms on the table. He grabs the whiskey and holds it up in the light, cautiously examining the amber liquid. Hank and Solex haven’t been on the best of terms in recent days, specifically since right before ICONIC. Hank scoffs and crosses his arms across his chest as Solex continues to look the glass over carefully.

“Are you about ready to get started, or what?” Hank asks, his voice tinged with a hint of annoyance.

Solex sniffs the whiskey, causing Hank to roll his eyes and drop his arms down to his side. Solex cracks a smile as he looks up at Hank and then takes a sip from the glass.

“Garrison Brothers?” Solex inquires, holding the glass up in the light once more.

“Dude,” Hank begins. “That’s all you drink. Of course it’s Garrison Brothers. Are you ready to get started, or what?”

Solex rests the glass back down on the table and adjusts the position of the microphone, making sure it’s lined up properly and that he is the perfect distance from it. Happy and comfortable, Solex looks up at Hank and says, “Yeah, man. Let’s fucking do this shit.”

Hank nods and turns from Solex. He shakes his head and adjusts his ball cap as he walks out of the studio door and into the producers booth. Separated by a pane of glass, Solex looks to Hank and with a finger gun, he signals for his fellow veteran to start the inaugural episode of The Last Man in Wrestling podcast.

 


The Last Man in Wrestling
Hosted by Steve Solex

[The opening riff of “I Will Be Heard” by Hatebreed begins to play, but quickly fades into the background.]

Hank (from inside the booth): Ladies and gentlemen, it’s time to get fired the fuck up for the very first episode of The Last Man in Wrestling!

[Pause]

Hank: The Last Man in Wrestling is a podcast hosted by decorated war hero and HOW Hall of Famer, Steve Solex.

[The music picks back up for a few moments, before fading to silence.

Steve Solex:  Thanks for that intro, Hank. And yes, welcome everyone to the first episode of The Last Man in Wrestling, hosted by yours truly. It’s me, the MERCDAD, the Indomitable Force, the Alpha Male, the Right Hand of the GOD of HOW, The Last Man in Wrestling himself…Steve Solex.

Hank (in a deep country twang):  Let’s fucking go, buddy! Woo!

Solex: Now before we get started, I just wanted to take a few minutes to tell you what this show is going to be all about. What do you think the first thing is going to be, Hank?

Hank (laughs): Well, shit, brother. You.

Solex (laughs: You’re fucking right, man. That will be the absolute priority of this show…hell, it might be the whole fucking thing, if I’m being real. I’m the host, I’m the star and I can do whatever the hell I want to do and all of you would still listen.

Hank: What’s the second thing?

Solex: Well, this is where shit is going to get a bit tricky Hank, as this is going to be a big part of your job.

Hank: Oh, really?

Solex (laughs): Yeah, really motherfucker. I’m going to give you a free pass on this one though, but only because I didn’t give you the time to prepare. Every show after this, we are going to discuss three things that are going on in the world at that time. What you are going to do, like it or fucking not, is provide us with three headlines from any news source you want and I’m going to discuss that topic with our audience. This is going to be a segment called Solex’s SITREP. For you civilian minded fucks, a SITREP is a situation report.

Hank (laughs): Can you guess which news source I’ll be going to first?

Solex: Look, you scraggly bitch. If you bring me MSNBC articles every fucking week, we’re going to have a serious problems. (laughs)

Hanks (laughs): I would never! (laughs) I do want to let you know though, that I’ve actually been wanting to get your opinion on this one article that I saw a few days ago. We just haven’t had a chance to talk about it yet.

Solex (laughs): Well, holy shit Hank. For the first time in your fucking life, it looks like you might actually be prepared for something.

Hank (laughs): Man, fuck off.

Solex: Just fucking with you man. That’s awesome shit, and we’ll get to that article here in a few minutes. But before we do that, we need to discuss the third thing that we’ll be doing on this show and that will be the re-debut of Solex’s Sac.

Hank (laughing wildly): What the fuck is Solex’s Sac?!

Solex: A few years ago, I had a weekly segment on HOW shows where I would take questions from the fans, in letter form (laughs). This time, the tech will be a bit better and we’ll take those questions in via email. This won’t be nearly as corny as it was last time and I’m more than likely going to pick questions that are going to stir the pot in HOW and probably pick some shit that’s going to get me canceled!

Hank (laughs): That’s fucking great, man. But that name, Solex’s Sac, has got to go. That’s as bad as two boys in the same sleeping bag.

Solex: Jesus Christ, Hank. Nothing is ever good enough for you, is it? What’s your idea, smart guy?

Hank: How about, Grunt to Glory Q&A?

[Pause]

Solex (sighs): That’s pretty fucking good, my guy. Well, folks…that’s what we’ll call it. Grunt to Glory Q&A.

Hank (laughs): Fuck yeah!

Solex: I’m not even going to lie man, that’s pretty badass. And off the cuff like that…good shit, my friend. This segment, I prepared for, Hank. I brought in a couple of questions that I thought would be good for the first show.  So, let’s get started with…

Booming Voiceover: GRUNT TO GLORY, Q&A!

Solex: Full disclosure, we paused the recording and made that voiceover.

Hank (laughs): Why would you tell them that?

Solex: Hank, don’t be fucking stupid. If I didn’t, no one would believe you came up with that shit on the spot like you did.

Hank: Oh, you right, you right.

Solex: Can I host the show now?

Hank (laughs): By all means.

Solex: Alright, first question is coming from Brian in Huntington Beach, California.

Hank: Oh, your old hometown.

Solex: Brian asks, “Why did you leave Huntington Beach for Nashville? Orange County is a conservative area and I think you could have done a lot of good, had you stayed.

[Pause]

Solex: Look, Brian. California is a sinking ship, my guy. Orange County is the best place in California, no doubt. But being the best place in the worst place on the entire fucking planet doesn’t make you a good place. It’s only a matter of time before your dumfuck governor goes after that county and begins to strongarm it with his bullshit Liberal values and turns it into a dystopian shitshow like San Francisco.

Hank: Dude, did you see that they finally cleaned San Francisco up?

Solex: You’re kidding right?

Hank: Halfway.

Solex: Halfway, because they only cleaned it up because that commie fuck from China was coming in for a visit? Is that what you’re talking about? The day they cleaned up San Francisco, not for its own people, but for some dickless slave trader from across the pond.

Hank: Exactly, what I meant.

Solex: Oh, and to put a cherry on top of that they lined the streets with Chinese Flags. What in the actual fuck is going on this country that we think doing something like that is going to make us look strong? They should have lined that place from top to bottom with American flags, all versions of it and showed that commie prick that we are just as strong as we’ve always been. I’m just afraid that might not be the case anymore. We’ve gone weak, man. We’ve gone soft! You only need to look at the pro wrestling world to see what we’ve become.

Hank: Preach!

Solex: So, Brian. I’ve got a question for you: Why haven’t you left Huntington Beach yet?

[Pause]

Solex: I’ve got to move on, cause I could spend the entire fucking day talking about why I left California, and I’m not trying to do a twelve hour show. Let’s get to our next question, and this time Hank, I shot it over to you in Slack so you could take care of the asking.

Hank (laughs): Always an employee.

Solex (laughs): Stop cashing the checks motherfucker.

Hank: Alright, alright. The next question is from Paul in Portland.

Solex: Fuck me, another Liberal whack job, I’m sure.

Hank: I’m sure he is, but his question doesn’t lean in any kind of way.

Solex: Alright, ask the question.

Hank: He asks, “The update to your profile on the HOW website is fuckin’ badass. You look absolutely jacked. How did you manage to put on 20 pounds of solid muscle in only two months? Is there any truth to the rumors that you used performance enhancing drugs to get it done?”

Solex (sighs): There are absolutely, positively, no truth to those rumors, Paul. Look, I’m on a full blown carnivore diet, eating over 250 grams of protein every day and hitting the iron for more than 3 hours a day. I’m putting in all of the hard work and the gains are going to keep coming. I’m nowhere near where I want to be, but at this rate it won’t be long.

Hank: I don’t think people get it, man. You had to get ready for the year. This is starting with the LB-fucking-I, and that leads to a shot at the HOW World Championship.

Solex: That’s exactly right, Hank. But I’ve got to say. I’m not very fucking impressed with the competition this year. This is a gimme if I’ve ever seen one. I don’t even know what this is supposed to be.

Hank (laughs): Right.

Solex: You know – you fucking KNOW – that Lee Best knows exactly what he’s doing when you see his right hand man get a free pass right to the through the group stage. The LBI used to be a collection of the greatest wrestlers in the business, but if you look at the group I’m heading up you’d think we were doing this tournament on the head trauma floor of the fuckin’ Mayo Clinic. It’s not even fucking fair for these NERD fucks, but I’m one-hundred percent here for it.

Hank: And it all starts with you taking out Jack Cooley.

Solex: Fuckin’ right, and I’ll talk directly to that nutsack right now. Jack…yeah, I called you Jack. You’re not worth two-syllables of my time. You have got to be the worst prospect that Lee Best has ever dug up from obscurity. I gave you everything you fucking needed to become the LSD Champion at ICONIC. By the time you got to the ring, Davidson was a wad of fucking cookie dough. I took that jack-wagon  to the fucking limit, and you just couldn’t get the job done, could you? If you can’t beat a half-dead man, what the fuck does that say about you? I gave him to you on a silver fucking platter and you still managed shit the bed.

Hank: Oof.

Solex: Don’t listen to your buddies, Jack. Don’t listen to your fake ass fans up in Section 214 like you’re that shitbird Joe Bergman. You are absolutely not worthy of HOW, hell…you’re not worthy of this fucking planet. Do the entire world a favor and blow your fucking brains out, I know you want to. I know you’re thinking about it. The whole world wants you to do it. So just fucking do it already.

[Pauses]

Solex: You’re just like every other fucking asshole that comes waltzing in here thinking that they are the second coming of Mike Best. Let’s look at the facts. You inherited a slingshot. I inherited determination, grit and mental toughness. Oh…and a fucking AR-15. While you were shooting marbles at birds on balconies, I was mowing down fields of enemy troops with gas powered, semi-automatic, hellfire…you pussy.

[Pauses]

Solex: And I saw you, trying to act cool. Thinking that smoking weed on TV is going to get you some kind of street cred with the younger crowd. You just keep smoking that weed, dickhead. That’s about all you’re good for anyway. Let that shit drive  your T levels down to the floor so you can become the woman you always wanted to be. The only guy in this group with lower testosterone than you is Scott Stevens, and that’s only cause that worthless fuck swallowed about 20 gallons of 97Red estrogen a decade or so ago.

Hank (laughs): That shit never gets old. Fuck that Lonesome Loser.

Solex: Morons like you, Jack,  have ruined this fuckin’ country. It’s because of you, and everyone that’s like you – you know, the type that pollutes the world with their bullshit – that I have to read a warning sign at the gas pump that says do not insert mouth or rectum.  What kind of fucked up shit is that?

Hank: Damn. That’s some heated shit. I can see you seething, bro.

Solex: These fucking pussies get me fired up man. There’s only one Steve Solex. For decades there have been wrestlers that have tried to emulate me, but you can’t even come close to the original Last Man in Wrestling.

Hank: That’s good shit. But, in order to keep the pacing of the show we’re going to have to quickly transition to…

Booming Voiceover: Solex’s SITREP!

Solex: Full disclosure, we paused to make that one too.

Hank (laughs): Well, now we’re set up for the next show!

Solex: Fuckin’ right we are.

Hank: Alright, remember now. All we’re doing is reading the headline, not the article.

Solex: That’s what 99% of this fucking country does anyway. A bunch of headline reading dipshits who wouldn’t know their ass and a fucking hole in the ground.

Hank (laughs): Alright, the headline reads, “Chicago warns of humanitarian crisis as city struggles to house migrants.”

Solex: Well, no fuckin’ shit, Hank. This one hits home a bit, because you know how much we love Chicago in HOW. It’s the home of Lee Best, the Best Arena and the fed as a whole. Some of the most special times in HOW history have happened in Chicago, and these motherfuckers running that city are fucking it up from the ground up.  Of course they are facing a crisis with this illegal immigrant takeover. They fucking asked for this, man. They put that label of “sanctuary city” under the city name and now they’re surprised when Texas – who never claimed to be a sanctuary anything – is sending these people to their front doorstep? Get the fuck outta’ here! This is exactly what you asked for!

Hank: They really did.

Solex: But this isn’t even the worst part, Hank. You know who’s really pissed off about all of this shit?

Hank: Who’s that?

Solex: The fucking people of Chicago! There are poor people all of that fucking place and their city has done nothing to help them out in any kind of way and now these people are shipped in and given food, clothing, and housing? And even, from what I heard, a monthly fucking stipend? The people of Chicago have been struggling for years and these people are literally taking food off of their tables and it’s being funded by the people of Chicago’s fucking tax dollars!

Hank: That is insane.

Solex: And Chicago’s not the only city, Hank. The same shit is happening in New York, Philly, Denver, Los Angeles. And that’s just to name a few. It’s time we take our fucking country back, Hank. And it starts with the men of America. You fucking pussies think its cool to sit around and drink your beer and watch your football games every weekend. You think that’s what it means to be a man. It’s fucking not, but that is a topic for another day. Or fucking next week…I don’t fucking know. Either way, it’s been a pleasure and thanks for listening. For myself and for Hank, this is The Last Man in Wrestling, signing off.

[Hatebreed’s “I Will Be Heard” begins to play as the show fades to silence.]