The Eye-Rony is Killing Me

The Eye-Rony is Killing Me

Posted on March 10, 2023 at 11:33 pm by Steve Solex

March 7, 2023
Franklin, TN
Solex Ranch

Dick walks into the living room dressed in his most impressive Adidas tracksuit, however a circular sweat stain is wrapped over the upper chest and back area. He chugs from a 20oz bottle of Aquafina, nearly downing the entire water in one gulp.  He leans backward to stretch, pushing his belly way out in front of him.

“JESUS CHRIST!” Solex shouts from across the room. “You are one fat fuck!”

“Fuck….off,” Dick says, his speech labored and breathless.

Solex laughs wildly as he walks into the living room and plops down on the couch. He begins to run his fingers through his luscious beard as he laughs crazily at his old man.

“How the fuck are you supposed to be my trainer? You can’t even get your fat ass to the fridge without needing a breathing treatment. You’re like one of Jace Parker Davidson’s girlfriends at $9.99 all-you-can-eat Vegas buffet. Good Lord,” Solex quips, still laughing hysterically.

Dick stumbles over to the kitchen and leans into the white marble top bar.

“You need to get some more of that shit from that hippie fuck before we go to England, son. If it’s half as good as you say it is…it’ll definitely help. Lee’s given you a few hours in Old Trafford to get your bearings about you before you match and taking one of those pills before that will get you focused and in the right frame of mind for your match,” Dick says, still breathing heavily.

Solex gives a smug smirk to his dad and shakes his head, “Who do you think I am? Fuckin’ Jimmy from the Goodfellas? I don’t know how to ask for shit like that. Now, if it was gear…that’s easy. This is totally different,” Solex says, dismissing his old man’s suggestion.

“Gear?” Dick asks, a bit confused.

“Yeah, HRT. TRT…fuckin’ roids,” Solex answers.

Dick rolls his eyes and asks, “What’s different about this?”

Solex walks across the living room, over to Dick and slaps him on the back.

“Don’t do that shit!” Dick complains as he winces and his body tightens up.

“Look, Steve, we have the keys to the kingdom for three fuckin’ hours. The only people that will be inside Old Trafford will be the two of us. We can do whatever the fuck we want to do. We can plant traps, we create obstacles, we can hide explosives. Lee Best has given you the ultimate opportunity to become the LSD Champion and having those pills will help us to find every nook and cranny of that stadium in that amount of time,” Dick explains.

Solex laughs as he watches sweat pour down his father’s brow.

“We? You, my friend…you aren’t gonna do a fuckin’ thing inside three hours, you out of shape prick. You’ve got the stamina of Tom Hanks in Philadelphia and he was dying of fucking AIDs,” Solex jokes, still laughing.

Dick laughs, “That was decent.”

Solex slaps his old man on the back again, this time as more of a friendly gesture than an attempt to tease.

“I really don’t think this will be all that necessary. Jace is missing a fuckin’ eye man. He’s got no depth perception! He’s going to be throwing punches at ghosts. If he gets the chance to reach for and secure the belt, he’ll still be ten feet away from it and I’ll be there to snatch it right up. I know all of this is exciting for you and you want to do all of this fun set up shit like your Macaulay Culkin in Home Alone, but….the guys only got one fuckin’ eye! It’s not necessary,” Solex says, his tone tinged with sarcasm.

“I know, but this will be fun. I like to think I have an eye for these sorts of things,” Dick says, giving a cheeky wink.

Eye really don’t have time to argue about this, Dick,” Solex says, copying the gestures of his old man.

“The eye-rony of this whole thing is killing me,” Dick says, again with a laugh.

The father and son share a laugh. Solex walks to the opposite side of the kitchen island and looks to his dad.

“You’ll never guess who I ran into the other day?” Solex asks, after taking a deep breath.

Dick looks at Solex with a puzzled expression and asks, “Who?”

A smile pulls at the corners of Solex’s lips as he waits for his dad to look up at him. Dick, looks up and locks eyes with his son.



March 7, 2023
Franklin, TN
Solex Ranch

The tall, lanky, natural healer, Sage sits across from Solex at a patio table outside of Solex’s Tennessee ranch home. The bright sun shines down on them, casting a warm glow over the patio area that overlooks Solex’s property.

“Quite the view you have here,” Sage says, attempting to break the ice with some small talk.

Solex stays true to his poker face and remains expressionless, hiding his eyes behind his all black Oakley wraparound sunglasses. Solex stares off into the horizon as he runs his fingers through his velvety and luscious beard. Sage fidgets around awkwardly as he waits for Solex to get involved in the small talk in some way shape or form.

As Solex continues to comb through his beard with his fingers, his silence becomes increasingly uncomfortable for Sage, who continues to fidget.

Sage stands up from his seat but immediately sits back down as Solex says, “You know, Sage, I like you man.”

Sage looks curiously across the table at Solex, who still gazes out in the distance.

“I like you so much that I’m going to make this very, very….very easy on you,” Solex says, still running his fingers through his epic beard.

Sage’s heart rate gets erratic at the sound of Solex’s words.

“E…Easy on me?” Sage stammers, his voice shaky and unnerved.

Solex stays silent again, playing into the dramatics of the conversation.

“Do you remember what you gave me the last time you were here?” Solex asks as he turns to Sage, pulls his sunglasses from his eyes and puts them on top of his head.

The bright, late morning sun causes Solex’s eyes to squint, but he keeps them fixed on Sage’s eyes. Sage struggles to break free from the intense stare of the number one wrestler in the world, but he struggles to do so.

“Uh, yeah. I think so,” Sage says, his voice quivering slightly as he tries to keep his cool.

A mischievous grin begins to pull at the corners of Solex’s mouth.

“Yeah, see…so, I have this match this weekend, in fuckin’ England. And God knows, I fuckin’ hate that place, but I think that your (cough) medicine (cough) might make that place a little more tolerable, if you catch my drift,” Solex insinuates as he delivers a very clear and obvious wink.

Sage’s demeanor grows more and more shaky as the conversation continues.

“Look, I have to go…” Sage begins, only to be immediately cut off by Solex.

“How many do you have?” Solex interjects.

“Uh, I have three with me,” Sage quickly replies.

Solex combs through his beard again with his fingers and looks back out to the horizon.

“Put them on the table,” Solex says in a firm and authoritative tone as he points to the table.

Sage rushes through his pockets nervously searching for the three pills he’s promised the #1 MERCDAD. Suddenly, his eyes light up and he yanks them from his pocket and displays them for Solex.

“On the fuckin’ table,” Solex demands, once again pointing at the table.

Sage is quick to comply and tosses them onto the table.

“You’ll never get those through custo…”

“Shut the fuck up, Sage,” Solex interrupts as he snatches the pills off the table.

Sage jumps up from his chair in an effort to make his exit, but just as quickly sits back down as Solex springs up to his feet.

“Look, I don’t know what kind of chemical cocktail you’ve got going on here, and I don’t wanna fuckin’ know, but what I do know is that when I took this last time…I’ve never felt more focused or alive,” Solex explains.

He looks down at the three pills in his hand and says, “But three, that’s just not going to be enough.”

Sage begins to nervously fidget in his chair again as Solex’s words continue to make him more and more nervous.

“Like I said, I have to go to England this weekend. But when I get back next week, with the LSD Championship around my waist, I want a fuckin’ whiskey barrel full of these things, you understand me?” Solex says, the question is clearly of the rhetorical variety.

Solex pulls his sunglasses back down over his eyes and stares back out to the horizon.

“You can leave,” Solex says.

Sage stands up to leave, but something pulls him back over and he asks, “What about the cancer?”

“What cancer?” Solex scoffs.

“Um, the brain cancer?” Sage confusingly asks.

Solex shakes his head and stands up from his chair. He rests a hand on Sage’s shoulder and as the scene fades to black he asks, “This isn’t the first time you’ve been conned, is it?”

March 8, 2023
Waylon’s Bar and Live Music | Backroom
Nashville, Tennessee

Hanks walks into the dimly lit and smoke filled back room of the bar where Solex has been patiently waiting on him as he closes up shop. Solex is sprawled out on a worn recliner with a beer clenched in his hand; the mountains are blue. Hank walks over the refrigerator and rips open the door. He reaches inside and grabs himself a cold Coor’s Light. He slams the door of the fridge shut, cracks open his beer and finds himself a seat on the couch near Solex’s recliner. Solex tosses a small baggy containing  a single pill in it onto the coffee table in front of Hank. Hank picks up the small baggy and examines it closely under the flickering fluorescent lights.

“What is this?” Hank asks, his tone deep yet curious.

Solex leans back in his recliner and takes a big swig of his beer. He looks up at the asbestos infested ceiling tiled and combs his fingers through his beard.

“This is a big opportunity and what I think will be our future, my friend. This is how we’ll fund our club and how we’ll fund our interests,” Solex says.

“Yeah, but what is it?” Hank asks, as he continues to examine it.

“You just hold on to it for now. I’ve got other business I need to take care of before that,” Solex says.

Hank tilts his head and stuffs the small baggy into his shirt pocket.

“Whatcha need, boss?” Hank asks.

“I need you to get me three guys. Three trustworthy and honest guys that I can take with me to England,” Solex says.

“What the fuck are you goin’ to England for?” Hanks laughs. “You hate those British fucks.”

Solex shakes his head and smiles.

“You really don’t fuckin’ watch TV at all, do you?” Solex asks, taking another sip of his beer. “The match I’ve got against Jace Parker Davidson is in England, at Old Trafford. I feel like I’ve had to say this like 30 fuckin’ times this week.”

Hank laughs and says, “I know man, I’m just fuckin’ with ya’. What do you need the guys for?”

Solex props himself forward in the recliner and places his beer on the coffee table.

“I need a security detail. This dickless prick goes everywhere with STRONKETTE and Choi, and I need to make sure I’m covered. They don’t need to come to the ring with me but I will need them watching my door at the event, and at the hotel,” Solex explains.

Hank takes a sip of his beer and asks, “When do ya’ leave?”

Solex laughs, reaches into his jacket wallet and pulls out his credit card. He drops the card onto the coffee table and says, “In about 10 hours.”

Hank shakes his head in disbelief as he scoops up the card. Solex springs up from the recliner and takes the final gulp from his beer as he heads for the exit.

“Oh, one more thing,” Solex says as he stops in the door frame of the exit. “You plus three.”

Hank immediately stands up from his seat and his eyes widen.

“Oh, and bring that US Army Survival manual you have behind the bar. We’ve got some traps to set,” Solex says as the scene fades to black.

March 9, 2023
Nashville MMA | Lobby
Nashville Tennessee

The muffled sounds of grunting, thuds and chatter seep through the walls as Solex stands in front of Beth, who sits behind the rich mahogany desk. She wears her fiery red hair in a ponytail and bright red lipstick. She stares up at Solex with a smile, her piercing green eyes locked on his.

“I’ve missed you,” She says, twirling a pen in her fingers.

Solex smiles and responds by saying, “It’s only been a few days.”

Beth giggles and tucks a loose strand of her hair behind her ear.

“I’ve got to leave for a few days,” Solex says as he raps a knock on the desk.

Beth looks down at the desk, and says, “I know. You’re gonna do great. The game plan we came up with can’t miss as long as you stick to it.”

Solex laughs, “That’s the plan and with a little boost, no less.”

Beth seems curious about the odd comment, but leaves it alone.

“So, when you get to the airport you’re going to want to Uber to Manchester and go straight to Old Trafford,” Beth begins. “The stadium is huge, so the title could be anywhere. It seats 75,000 people and is 2.5million square feet. This match could literally take place anywhere in the stadium, so be prepared to fight on the field or in the stands.”

Solex laughs and says, “That’s a big fuckin’ building. This is gonna be nuts.”

Beth isn’t amused and seems to be all business right now.

“The stadium is the home of Manchester United Football Club, one of the most popular soccer franchises in the entire world, and they have some serious hooligans as fans which means that there could be weapons stashed literally anywhere in that building, so be on the lookout,” she continues.

Solex pushes himself back from the desk.

“I’ll see you when I get back, and I’ll be about twenty pounds heavier…all in the midsection,” he says, showing off where the LSD Championship would go with his hands.

Beth laughs as she gets up from her chair and escorts Solex to the front door of the gym.  She reaches up and pulls him down to her level and gives him a kiss on the cheek, leaving behind the smallest bit of red lipstick and as the scene fades to black she says, “I’ll see ya’ next week, champ.”