The Dooze and The Do Nots

The Dooze and The Do Nots

Posted on July 7, 2021 at 6:51 pm by Doozer

Hello, High Octane!

Me again.

As much as I anticipated a fun back and forth with my special friend, Steve, I just couldn’t help myself. Like I said last time, the last thing I want to do is make fun of anyone’s disability. And I feel bad for getting a little… short… with my allegedly less than well endowed adversary.

Look, I get it. You probably expected me to roll over and take it like the ladies of the night you pay extra to not talk about… it. Or the lack of it, I should say.

Either way, I’m sure you’re rattling the thing inside that bald head of yours to clap back with something super creative… BUT ALAS, here’s your old pal Dooze, who’s come back to help you out a bit.

Please, take a break from reading Mike Best’s “How to HOFC” tutorial for the tenth time and listen up. You clearly need a real mentor in your life. So here goes nothing.

Don’t worry, I used to be a Big Brother. I’ve got plenty of experience helping troubled kids like you out. And I’ll make this easy for ya, starting with some simple ‘Do’s and ‘Do not’s. Or, as I like to call them…

The Dooze, and Don’ts.

Let’s start with the Don’ts.

Don’t try to slap back about the big truck jokes. It’ll come off overly defensive and only help further validate the claim supporting them.

Don’t keep the truck. There are procedures out there that can fix the problem at the root. Save up for that. Or, accept you for you. I heard there are plenty of ladies out there that like the micros.

Looking at you, Linda.

Don’t double down on the old and slow crap. It’s the least original hit you can throw, besides the bullshit you spewed about Fragglerock. Instead of thinking logically, given I’ve wrestled under the moniker for almost two decades, and assuming it’s a non-issue, you thought you’d have a go anyway. Even if it was funny, which it wasn’t, it still just felt… lazy. Which is funny, since you were trying to imply I couldn’t roll out of my own bed.

Har har.

Also, if you had decided to do ANY amount of legwork, you’d have seen plenty of others using the name out in the wild, like a software company, or a film production company (and no, they have nothing to do with my old pal, Jim).

Don’t try the stalker routine again. It was a sad stretch the first time. And if you try to tie it in with the truck jokes, well, I think we can all see where that one could go.

Don’t continue with this “RAWR, I HAZ A BIG MAD AND YER GONNA PAY FOR IT!” Like, did you try to cut an entire promo pulling from the most used wrestling bits and cliches ever? While on this subject, “The Heart and Soul”… of what? The Best Alliance? A stable that has THREE active Hall of Famers and the former World Champ? Stop that.

Don’t keep trying to be Mike Best Light. I get it. You see success and you want to emulate it. It makes sense for almost every profession, EXCEPT for this one. It does, however, align with the overall theme of your work. That’s a four letter word that starts with L and ends with Y.

Don’t suckle at the teats of Lee. He won’t adopt you. It’s pathetic. Like watching an old MadTV skit with you saying “Hey Lee, Look what I can do!” You’re the new shiny toy for the boss, but your newness is wearing off, and soon you’ll be the new Zion. Or worse.

Speaking of, DON’T go on anymore HORs! If I have to hear your shitty mic picking up that annoying echo again, just for Lee to mute your ass. What’s the point!? Stevens used to be on the HOR too. Look at him now. We should just go ahead and change your name. The Lonesome Loser, Scott Harrison. Or to align with your theme, Steve Stevens?

Now for “The Do”s:

Did you hear that?

The… Dooze…

Yeah, buddy. That’s me.

And I’m fucking back.

Sorry your lucky streak ends here.

As far as any more advice goes, well, it’s simple really.

Because regardless of how well you think you can see…

You can’t be me. You can’t even come close. Not until you learn how to get over yourself.

Get it?