Posted by Christopher America
When we last saw Rah at Refueled 68, he had arrived back at his hotel following his close loss to Jace Parker Davidson in a HOTv Title match. When Rah opened the door to his room, he was surprised to find Dawn McGill waiting for him inside. Even more interesting, McGill dressed in a skimpy cheerleader outfit that was familiar to real old school HOW-types as it was the same outfit that Christopher America made Carmen Jennings wear for him back in 2012.
Fast forward one week to this past Saturday night. McGill accompanied Rah to Barbados to be in his corner when the Sunshine God appeared at the initial Wrestlers of the Caribbean show. Rah wrestled for the Wrestlers of the Caribbean Title in a four-way championship match against Captain Jack, ‘The New Age Cybertronic Criminally Insane Rogue Sentient Robot Wrestling Machine’ Ultratron-Six, and a former adult film star turned pro wrestler Stan Thomas.
During the match, Thomas used some ‘magic dust’ he’d purchased earlier in the show from a lady named Black Dragon on McGill.
Under the spell of the magic dust- note to Jace Parker Davidson, this is what you would call an incredibly ‘carny’ moment– McGill knocked out Rah with a pair of brass knuckles to help give Stan Thomas the win.
After the match… well…things got even more interesting… and more carny-ish.
Let’s go to…
Coral Mist Beach Hotel- Bridgetown, Barbados
Saturday July 31st, 2021
…Stan Thomas’s hotel room.
The lighting set up inside the room suggests that a movie scene is about to be filmed there. Which begs the question- what kind of movie is being shot in this hotel room?
You know, one of those movies. The kind of movie Stan Thomas was famous for ‘acting’ in.
The camera guy pans over to Stan Thomas. His hair is slicked back, he’s wearing enough cologne to cause a small cloud to hang over the bed, and he’s dressed in just a robe as he lays on the bed waiting for company to arrive. His brand spanking new Wrestlers of the Caribbean title sits next to him.
Stan gets a cue from the camera man that they’re ready to start.
Stan Thomas: Time to make some movie magic. After tonight, people are going to see Dawn McGill in a much different light.
He turns to the camera crew.
Stan Thomas: Okay. It’s time. Roll it. ACTION!
The camera focuses on Stan.
Stan Thomas: First, I won the title belt.
Thomas points at the Wrestlers of the Caribbean title.
Stan Thomas: Then, I won the fifty thousand dollars.
Then he points at a briefcase Wrestlers of the Caribbean owner Silvio Castellanos handed him containing fifty grand in cash.
The bathroom door opens and McGill walks out. Dawn’s hair is disheveled. Her face is caked in makeup and she has plenty of red lipstick on. Her fingers and toes have a new coat of bright red polish on them.
The bedazzled blonde wears the same outfit she wore at the show: strapless flowery top with a grass mini-skirt and a pair of flip-flops on her feet. She’s also wearing a white button-up shirt over the top that’s buttoned only at the bottom.
Stan Thomas: Now it’s time to enjoy the prize.
Dawn McGill: Hello Stan.
Quick cut to Stan’s face. With a wicked smile, Stan looks into the camera completely unaware that danger lurks behind him as the door to his hotel room opens…
Stan Thomas: To the victor goes the spoils.
.…and Rah- with a nice welt on the side of his face- walks in. At the sight of Rah inside the room, Dawn snaps right out of the trance from the magic dust and realizes where she’s at and who she’s with.
Dawn McGill: What the hell Stan?
Yeah, she’s not happy.
Thomas’s eyes widen when he recognizes that McGill is no longer under the spell of the magic dust-…which is so carny … and looking at him like a predator sizing someone up in preparation to attack her prey.
Rah: Hello Stan.
And then there was Rah. Rah was the last person he’d expected to see in the room.
With the Sunshine God’s face bright red and his regal eyes glaring a hole through Thomas, the new Wrestlers of the Caribbean champion knew he suddenly had a problem.
A big problem.
Stan Thomas: Balls.
McGill taps the camera guy on the shoulder.
Dawn McGill: You might want to leave now.
No dummy and opting not to stay around to watch the unimaginable violence and carnage that was surely about to erupt, the camera guy makes a hasty retreat and vacates the premises post haste.
Okay, he actually sprints out the door.
Stan Thomas: Now, Rah… Dawn. Let’s talk about thi-
McGill does her talking the old-fashioned way- with a foot to the balls.
Stan Thomas: … OOOOOF!
Air expelled from his lungs, Thomas bends over while pain courses through his body and then lands on his side on the floor.
Ten minutes later…
The Sunshine God walks out of the hotel room with McGill. A quick peek inside shows that the bed had been broken in half… the furniture in the room overturned and wrecked… the leg of one Stan Thomas sticking out from under the rubble of a wooden desk.
Rah then explains to her what all had transpired… the magic dust… McGill decking both Rah and Barbie-Q with brass knuckles… Thomas taking her back to his hotel room to film a scene for a yet to be named ‘movie’ after the show… then Rah racing across town to get to the hotel room in time.
Dawn McGill: You came back for me?
Rah responds to her matter of factly.
Rah: Yes. After Rah found out what happened, Rah came to the hotel room to stop Stan Thomas and thwart his evil, carny-ish plan.
Dawn McGill: Wow. That was a pretty carny thing to do. Thanks for saving me.
Rah, his red Hawaiian flowery shirt fluttering in the breeze of the hotel’s air conditioning coming out from a grate below, stands proud and steadfast with his ‘Champion of the World’ title belt around his waist. Again, Rah strikes quite a most majestic pose. One hand on his hip. The other outstretched. He tilts his head up and stares outward towards nothing in particular in a most noble, kingly kind of way.
Rah: It’s what Rah does.
Dawn McGill: Let’s get married.
Not quite the reaction Rah expected. But…
Rah: What about Cletus?
Dawn McGill: There is no Cletus. We were never an actual thing. Just a series of drunken one night… well… never mind.
Rah: Oh. Okay.
Dawn McGill: I’m serious. Let’s go get married.
She shakes her head no.
Dawn McGill: No. Not here.
Dawn McGill: No.
Rah: Then where?
Dawn McGill: I think I have the perfect place…
* * *
IT’S PROMO TIME!
Uh… hello. Sunny O’Callahan here.
Yes, I know what you’re thinking. I’m not supposed to be doing this. I should have learned my lesson after what happened the last time. Memo to Rah… you might want to change the fucking password in your computer once in a while. I can’t believe you haven’t changed it in the past six months.
Oh. And Rah. I’m perched on your golden throne of solitude (miniaturized for office use)- I know… big, big no-no. Whatever.
But anyways. Here’s the situation. Rah has basically disappeared off the face of the earth. No one has seen him since some random appearance at some wrestling show in the Caribbean. No one has any clue where Rah has gone and what he’s doing AND Barbie-Q is nowhere to be found either. I read the dirt sheets about the show and I guess there was some carny-style nonsense going on at the show involving Dawn McGill that Rah and Barbie-Q got caught up with. Regardless, neither one is here and Rah is booked to wrestle this Saturday night. So, well, SOMEONE had to step up and do this since Rah has a match this week against some guy named High Flyer and that person is me– Sunny O’Callahan- the best wresting manager in the world.
So here I am.
I did some homework on Mr. Jack Harmen aka High Flyer aka Thirteen, FAKEPulse, Nirvana, Reckless”, Pepsi Man 3000, and El Harmattan because that’s what I do. That’s why I am the best manager in the world. I do the hard work and heavy lifting needed to help my clients get over… even though Rah is technically not my client but let’s not get caught up in semantics here.
You’ve had a long and distinguished wrestling career Jack. You are a wrestling legend. Your exploits in many different wrestling companies are legion. And now in the sunset of that career, here you are muddling along in High Octane Wrestling. You’ve had a pretty good run in HOW even though it could be argued that the highlight of your stay here is the night you poured Listerine down Halitosis’s throat.
But I come here tonight not to bury you Jack Harmen. Al contraire, I come here tonight to praise you and to bury Rah. I loved the news article in the Detroit paper talking about Saturday night’s show at the Little Caeser’s Arena- especially the part where Rah wasn’t mentioned at all in the story. This is who you are going up against Saturday Jack. A footnote. Someone who doesn’t merit a mention in a news story to hype up HOW’s Saturday night show.
Now, to be fair I guess it could be argued that Rah has had a long career, too. So let’s do it. Let’s talk about the highlights in Rah’s illustrious career here in HOW.
Well, that didn’t take long.
Okay, I will begrudgingly acknowledge that Rah did manage to last nearly seventeen minutes with Jace Parker Davidson a couple weeks ago- which is about fourteen minutes longer than the over/under that the oddsmakers set for the match.
And he did survive just over eleven minutes earlier this year against the then HOW World Champion Michael Lee Best- about nine minutes longer than the over/under.
Oh yeah. There was that time that Lindsay Troy kicked him in the balls. That was actually a memorable moment. But we’re getting off subject here.
Look, it’s a well known fact that Rah doesn’t train very well unless there someone’s holding a gun to his head. If Rah actually showed up for… let’s say a crossfit workout, his heart would probably explode. It doesn’t take a rocket scientist to figure out that Rah’s lackadaisical effort in training combined with his utter lack of nutritional acumen equals one of the most untuned athletes who’s ever graced a wrestling ring.
Let’s call it like it is. Rah simply doesn’t care. He doesn’t want to be the best. Hell, in the run-up to March to Glory when he had at the time a huge match with Sutler Reynolds-Kael, Rah ran home to his mommy just because she happened to have a serious illness. What the fuck? There was so much on the line in that match and Rah pissed it away on his mommy and his addiction to bad Sofia Boutella movies.
Six foot eight. Two hundred eighty pounds. Good size. Strong as an ox. Zero ambition. What a fucking waste.
I mean, really. Rah wrestled the two best matches of his life not because he wanted to be a champion, not because he wanted to be the best wrestler in HOW. No, he wrestled the best two matches of his life because Dawn McGill dangled a big carrot in front of him… her breasts.
This is a guy who refuses to cut promos on his opponents… well, unless he’s stinking drunk of Everclear and standing on top of a bus shouting out incomprehensible jibberish to a group of people gathered around, curiously watching to see what the circus bear was up to, and watch him pass out on top of the bus.
Well, at least he didn’t choke on his own vomit.
Why does he waste his talent? Because he’s an idiot, that’s why.
This is the man… er Sunshine God who you are going up against Saturday night, Jack. A fucking idiot hopelessly infatuated with a forty-one year old has been, never was who’s best days have long since passed her by. Dawn McGill should have checked herself into a old wrestler’s home a long time ago but as the whole world knows- she can’t help herself. I mean, how many times as she attempted to retire? One. Five. Ten. Twenty. I don’t know. I lost count. We’ve all lost count.
I will give her some credit though. She somehow managed to steer a pair of inbred hicks named the Kentucky Redneck Mafia to the MVW Tag Team title. McGill used her… wiles… to motivate them as only she can and since there’s literally no talent in Missouri Valley Wrestling it didn’t take much to lead them to the belts. Hell, Sofia Boutella could have done the same thing.
So now, she’s latched back on someone who’s actually in the major leagues. Unfortunately, it’s Rah so we all know where that’s going to end up. Aw fuck it. Rah and McGill deserve each other.
Jack, I beseech you. Please do us all a favor- do the world a big favor- and Locomotive kick Rah’s ass back to the sun or Missouri Valley Wrestling. If I have to sit through eleven more months of being tethered by this damn ankle bracelet to the least self-aware person on the planet all because he walked into a Missouri courtroom and made some grand peroration to the judge about forgiveness… well… I don’t know what I’m going to do other then wish every second of every day that Rah’s bus goes flying off a cliff- preferably with him on it.
There is no reason on Earth for you to lose this match Jack. None. Rah could have had the best manager money could buy- me. But instead, he stays with Barbie-Q even though she’s shown no ability to actually ‘manage’ him. He stays with the bottom-feeding ex-sorority chicks who follow him because it beats actually having to go out and get a real job.
He just doesn’t care.
And who knows Jack. For all we know Rah won’t even show up in Detroit because he’s taken to following Jimmy Buffett all over the country and it appears Buffett is playing a show this Saturday night in Bristow, Virginia near Washington D.C.
If you want to do something memorable in HOW Jack, please… please… shut down the carnival once and for all and rid us of the plague, remove the stain of Rah from HOW. Send him back to Margaritaville so he can go find his lost shaker of salt and choke on a Cheeseburger in Paradise.
* * *
Jimmy Buffett’s Margaritaville Cafe
Key West, Florida
Wednesday August 4th
Dawn McGill and Rah stand before a Justice of the Peace on the small stage at the front of the Margaritaville Café below a video screen on the wall above the couple. Behind the couple, the wall had the logo of “Jimmy Buffett’s Margaritaville” to a black background.
McGill and Rah take their vows before thirty or so people inside the building.
Justice of the Peace: I now pronounce you man…
Rah clears his throat and tilts his head down.
Justice of the Peace: …er… the Sunshine God and his faithful consort.
The people dining at the bar and at the various tables in the restaurant cheer on the newly married couple.
Justice of the Peace: You may now kiss the bride.
As Rah and McGill kiss and the crowd stands and applaud, the Sunshine God does not feel or hear a buzzing on Rah’s silenced cell phone.
You see, Rah’s phone had just received an important text message from HOW world headquarters reminding him he’d been booked for a match against High Flyer this Saturday night in Detroit, Michigan.
Unfortunately, Rah was in mid-kiss and otherwise occupied contemplating spending a couple weeks honeymooning with McGill on a chartered boat.
Would Rah actually check his phone?
Would he realize that he has a match this Saturday night?
Would he make it to Detroit in time?
Tune in this Saturday night and see…