Xander Azula. See?
No Xanadu Arugula. No Zanzibar Ass-U-Lick. No Xander A-Loooooosaaaaaaah.
The Ruler of Jattlantis is being respectful.
The Baron of Boca Jatton is not mocking you.
The Savior of Starrkham is not insulting you.
I will be honest, I was in the process of creating a new t-shirt. “The Infernal Hexagon”. A whole new state of mind. And no, we are not besmirching your worship of Enos. Mainly due to the fact that worshiping the inept deputy on “The Dukes of Hazzard” is just plain stupid. I do not see the appeal.
No, it was to be a subsect of Best-byterian. We worship all things “Best” in celebration of “In God’s House”. Lee Best! The Best Arena! The Legacy of the Best Alliance! Best Buy! Sure, the congregation would be meager at best. The Duke of Jattmandu, my two lovely associates, Ezster and Bela, Dan Ryan, and I am awaiting a response from Hugo Scorpio. But hey! We have to start somewhere, right?
Unfortunately, the t-shirts came back flawed. Those bastards at “Super Freaking Amazing and Awesome Tees to the Xtreme” sent us yellow t-shirts with yellow lettering! I specifically ordered black with a flamelike hexagonical pattern with yellow lettering! Rest assured, I will be getting a refund.
Speaking of which, you still owe me twenty bucks for that dry cleaning bill from a couple of years ago. Lucky for you, the Sovereign of Starrgentina is a benevolent and forgiving man. I am willing to forget all about that debt.
Maybe not quite “forget” as much as I have a way to wipe the slate clean. A way to eliminate that debt.
A business proposition, if you will.
See, why should I take the risk of pulling a hamstring while I charge you, to take you down with my punishing and patented Starrlite Express? Why would I take a chance on tearing a rotator cuff while attempting to suplex you into the multiverse? Why would I risk rupturing a blood vessel while punting you in your knick knacks? Why risk any form of harm or injury two weeks before facing Evan Ward in the PACO MEMORIAL ZOMBIE CLOWN CHICKEN XTREME DEATH CAGE MATCH? That would be completely irresponsible of me!
So, I extend a proffer that you are incapable of dismissing.
I am giving you the opportunity of a lifetime. I will take the “L”. I will lay down in the middle of the ring and allow the honor and privilege of pinning the Ruler of Jattlantis one-two-three. No one gets hurt and you get a pinfall victory over the second greatest HOW Hall of Famer. Win-win.
I sense some skepticism here. As if you don’t believe that I would honor such a deal. I could ask you to “take a dive”, as they say, but what would be your incentive? You would have none.
I made my motivations quite clear. I am the Perfect Ten of the HOW. The HOW Classic. The Jattinum Standard! I have to be operating at one hundred and ten percent to swiftly and efficiently dispatch the like of a third tier Hall of Famer like Evan Ward.
You are…..well….how to say this…..
You are the “Epic Movie” of the HOW.
You are the “Police Academy Seven: Mission to Moscow”.
….the “Baby Geniuses Two” of the HOW.
I am not saying this to be a jerk. It is a fact. Ask anyone. It is what it is. The only thing you have going for you is that you are not a massive festering anal pustule like Darin Zion.
You will never the heights that the Thane of Starrkarth has. I am the PWA Co-World Champion! I am the HOTv Co-World Champion! I am the ONLY person to win the HOW Tournament of Champions! But you?
You will never have that thrill of Brian McVay screaming into the microphone “ANNNNNNNND NEEEEEEEEEEEWWWWWW HOW WORLD CHAMPION….XAAAAAAAVIER AZUUUUUUULLLLLLLAAAAAAAA”. Yes, he would get your name wrong. You know he would. You will never know the feeling of the weight of an HOW or, for that matter, a PWA Championship over your shoulder. You will never know the sense of pride and respect that goes with being an HOW Champion.
Lee Best will never look at you as anything more than an afterthought.
So, what I am providing you with is an opportunity! Bragging rights! The ability to come out and say “I did it! I beat Jatt Starr, the Sultan of SeaJattle, the Starrspn City Icon, the Grand Overlord of Jatturn! Hail Enos!”
The doors will open!
You will move up in the standings!
You will gain the attention of a publicity firm.
You will be rebranded and get a whole new look!
You will announce yourself as THE Xander Azula, extra emphasis on the “THE” or maybe “Daydream Believer” Xander Azula, you can have music sung by the Monkees which we all know is way cooler than Rammersteinerschmidt or whatever that is you have for music.
You will earn an LSD Title shot which, let’s face it, you will lose, but you will get that shot!
The world will open up for you!
You will have the map to help you traverse the road towards success.
But if you decline….
Or if you decide to take advantage of my good nature with a cheap shot….
That means you have to meet Pacito.
Now you may be wondering who or what is Pacito?
Pacito’s debut was being saved for “In God’s House”.
Pacito is the bloodthirsty son of Paco who is hunting down those that murdered his father who was blown up in a violent explosion. Pacito knows that Trent was the one who lit the fuse, the one who pressed the button on the detonator, the one that physically blew Paco up but he believes there was, in fact, a conspiracy. Trent was following orders. Who contracted Trent to murder Paco? How far up did this conspiracy go? All signs pointed towards Rhys Townsend and Evan Ward. Oh sure, Evan Ward acts all goody-goody gumdrops, but he is, at his very core, a malicious murderer. And Pacito knows it. Such knowledge sent Pacito spiraling, finding comfort in booze and whores. While downing another tequila in another dive bar in another Mexican town, a mysterious courier found him and delivered a cryptic message implying the involved of one Evan Ward. From the on, Pacito was singleminded of purpose. One word, one thought on his mind. Revenge. Revenge. Revenge. Revenge.
Pacito decided he would become the Weapon of Vengeance….
So, he took a length of barbed wire and wrapped himself around a Louisville Slugger and swallowed some lead…..
Yes, Pacito is loco in la cabeza!
A certifiable psychopath!!!
Pacito wants Evan Ward to bleed.
And Pacito can be convinced that you, Xander Azula, has a small hand in the murder of Paco. Maybe the motivations were Eternal Circle based. An act of terrorism! Maybe Enos required a sacrifice. Never underestimate the susceptiblility of those blinded by rage.
Maybe Pacito will want you to bleed.
Pacito might be a rubber chicken but he will, in his words, “fuck you up”.
Your choice, Xander. Choose wisely.