The Aristocrat

The Aristocrat

Posted on October 27, 2021 at 8:58 pm by Cancer Jiles

Stop me if you heard this one before.

The Seven Deadly Sins walked into a Reesemart…

Pride stayed outside in the parking lot because as he so eloquently put it, “I wouldn’t be caught dead inside such a place.” More like, “There’s no caviar, the red carpet isn’t long enough, and there’s not enough Dad stuff. Plenty of ammo though. If you like Nerf that is.”

Typical foolish snob.

Greed — the greedy fuck that he is — with his stupid face and hair — took one step inside, stopped dead in his tracks and said to Sloth, “You can eat the coupons. We’re not going to need them.” He then floated off to the discount rack while humming the Scourge of Scrooge.

Typical penny pincher.

Sloth, while chewing 20 percent off mind you, lazily responded, “Ohhhhhhhhhhh-kaaaaaayyyy.” He then coughed up a piece of paper with a picture of a largemouth bass on it. Once done regurgitating, he meandered about until finding the employee restroom. There, he had an hour-long talk with a cashier while sitting atop the toilet. Turns out the cashier passed out from the stench after a few minutes, but Sloth just kept on introducing himself unaware of such a thing happening.

Typical slow moving, shit for brains, beautiful mind.

Envy, the old salt, didn’t want to come in the first place but also didn’t want to miss out on anything either. However, after watching Sloth do his thing he quickly realized he would be better off waiting in the parking lot with Pride. So, he left the store and found his fellow sin playing Three Card Monte against a homeless panhandler. The two lost all of their money. They were said to have felt cheated. Pride of course lost less money, which of course only made Envy more envious.

Typical old, fence sitting, well wisher who doesn’t have what it takes anymore.

Gluttony, the figure skating savant from New York, tried to talk to a sales clerk but even they declared he made no sense. Eventually, after fighting through a series of black outs, he found the sports and recreation section and started licking the hockey sticks. He was said to be disappointed they weren’t wrapped in barbed wire.

Typical hardcore slob.

Wrath, the big baddy with the orange jumpsuit and pan seared forehead wanted nothing to do with the other Sins. Nothing. Might have had something to do with none of them being on parole. As such, he deemed it his mission to at the very least look tough. Like, really tough. Snub You tough. Cobb County tough. Nailz tough. Which might explain why he headed straight for the hardware section upon entering Reesemart.

Typical jailbird. 

Lastly, Lust walked through the door. He wasn’t there to buy anything, just sign some autographs and check out the dairy section.

Yes. Wonderful. Amazingly COOL. Lust. The Apple of all Eyes, whether they are in their respective sockets or not. The Belle of the Ball. The one who wears his heart on his sleeve. The one who bleeds 97. Everyone’s favorite, Lust. Being that the young, verile, blonde haired lovely man just can’t get enough of himself, he eventually found a long mirror to stand in front of. After a while he became star crossed in the infinite reflection caused by the mirror tint on his sunglasses. It’s said it took seven years of bad luck to break him from his trance.

Typical kiss ass.

Or maybe seven competitors inside a yard.

Why? Why do it? Why interject and take someone’s spot?

Sure, the PPV check is better.

Outside of money.

Outside of Cancer Jiles not having a grudge against Eli Desden. In fact, he doesn’t even know her name, which is why the narrative changed to third person.


Why’d he do it? 

Maybe he yearns for one more dance in the Alcatraz sun? 

He could just call Noah Hanson and tell him that he’s needed on the set of The Rock 2 for that though.

Maybe it’s because he’s never been a High Octane TV Champion before? Could Jiles be so petty as to simply want the feather in his cap? Could it be that easy? The lustful man from COOLYMPUS wanted in this match because he wanted to be High Octane TV Champion, and seized an opportunity to do just that in the eleventh hour?


Maybe, but it just doesn’t seem lustful enough.

Maybe it’s because the ghost of Lee Best begged him to do it because no one cared about the seven sins and some stupid shit mart? Could Jiles lust for High Octane be what drove him to force his way onto the card?

Sounds unlikely.

So then why?

It’s obvious his interest is… lacking. Why stumble through another promo? Why suffer another defeat? Why do any of this? Revenge against his old pals? There is that, but it doesn’t really fit in with the whole lustful narrative.

What stupid fucking reason could it possibly be?

For a man who clearly wants out, why get back in?

Is he simply a glutton for punishment?

In before Scotty.

Who the fuck knows? More importantly, who the fuck cares? Guess we’ll all find out when things go back to normal in the next one of these.