Latest Roleplays
4 Months Ago.
Undisclosed Location
A blazing fire, the flame spitting from the large oil drum reacts as one by one items are thrown inside it from off screen.
SPLAT
SMASH
WOOSH
SPLOOGE
WISHY WASHY
“Ok that is enough, idiot,” the familiar voice of the one and only Steve Harrison says. “I have no idea why you are making up noises for what it sounds like for something to start burning…and dude…splooge?”
“Come on, mon, I am trying to bring some levity to this situation,” Jack Marley responds.
“Levity?”
Yea we are all confused.
A few seconds of silence is followed up by a real gem, “yea, mon you know like levity in the air and into the fire like Michael Jordan.”
UGH.
That was bad.
A loud noticeable groan echoes throughout the undisclosed location. “Look, just because you have been graciously feeding me edibles after my surgery like a child popping flintstone vitamins it doesn’t mean I need your horrible takes.”
“Takes one to know one…get it???? Takes!?!?!”
“No… just NO!”
A sigh from Jack is heard quietly, “Ok, fine…so I guess you know…why are you burning all the merch?”
A Cowboy Hat goes flying into the fire thrown like a frisbee. A spark flies and Harrison chuckles to himself. “The Best Alliance has been voided, Jack. I was sitting with my knee in a brace after my surgery and it went poof like chips do around you after a ‘smoke break.’
“Not like that hat was a great seller anyway, mon.”
“Neither was the guy who it was modeled after,” Steve responds with not a hint of sarcasm.
“Hughie Freeman?”
LONG PAUSE.
“No, Jack, we sold out of the Hughie Freeman Tissues surprisingly quick months ago.”
“For?”
“Ugh…crying, Jack, let’s just stick with wrestling fans cry a lot.”
“But…”
“ENOUGH!”
“It was that mean nasty Clay Byrd’s hat, wasn’t it,” The Marley Man says quietly a tad afraid after Steve’s outburst.
Another cowboy hat goes flying into the flaming oil drum with incredible accuracy, but we are talking about the great Miracle Man who is just a great guy all around. “Yes, Jack and let me tell you NOBODY wanted to buy something that looked better sinking in the ocean. That son of bitch still owes me money for those shades he stole from us.”
“Jiles was livid.”
Harrisons laughs at the mention of his old pal Cancer Jiles, “I don’t think we need to worry about a guy who is probably still lying on his back imagining another loss.”
“Must have had some acid laced weed then, mon.”
“Exactly,” lots of sarcasm.
“Steve this is a lot of money you are burning, couldn’t we have sent this stuff to Africa?”
“If you can find someone who gives a shit about wrestling that can get them over there, I am all ears.”
“Uh…no,” Marley replies as other items get tossed into the fire.
“Look, everything that is Best Alliance merch is trash to me. I don’t care about any of them anymore just like they didn’t give me a second thought when I was out injured. Burning this garbage and trust me anything that has one of their names on it is garbage. None of them have an original thought in their body. I thought of everything and sold it all to help pay for Lee Bests escapades and that ass wouldn’t even help me get surgery unless I defeated Cancer Jiles and then…he died. All back on me, HOW is a goddamn labyrinth where the only escape is career suicide.”
“What about the Jatt Smoothies?”
Right on cue, some Jatt Starr protein powder is tossed into the oil drum fire.
“I mean if you want to drink protein powder mixed with his ass sweat by all means enjoy throwing up for the next five days.”
“Like, Ayahuasca mon… right?”
“Um…what did you give me tonight?”
“Yes.”
“Wait…”
“Yes.”
A bunch of clothes flies into the fire.
“They are all dead to me, man…dead…like those clothes. It is hot…”
“Dude…you are naked.”
Jack who has been using the camera points it at Harrison, black bars go up over his HUGE nether region. His beard is a mess, his dead has not been shaven in a long time and his pupils look like big saucers. He looks down at himself now with zero clothes and starts to laugh. “Whoa.”
“Snake’s mon… snakes.”
Harrison falls backwards and reaches for the sky and starts clenches his fists, “Imma strangle them all!”
The camera falls to the ground as we fade.
—
I am back.
Please hold your applause I am trying to think of something to say about HOW and the fact we have a Tag Team Invitational when we should just be having a Steve Harrison is the best tag team wrestler of the year coronation.
What, I must prove it again…with Chris Kostoff?
Won’t somebody think of the children?
Or the mom-and-pop coffee shops that have closed because Doozer and Kostoff haven’t hung out in a while and talked about how their bones hurt by being old but goddamn this coffee is amazing. You know Doozer is sad at having to fight his buddy but at least I know Kostoff won’t blink an eye on power bombing a friend. If you know…he has friends.
I am rolling my eyes. It is because I have a headache not because Doozer makes me physically ill with his cringe.
Sorry, I forgot that Darin Zion thought I was supposed to be nice now. Nice about what exactly? This place is full of snakes and I am not going to eat some Vicodin flavored hot pockets and slag off on my couch while playing video games. I won’t deny that I have had over four months to do that, and I would be lying if I didn’t say I ate those hot pockets among other things. I wouldn’t even say I am being mean because nothing I have said is false.
My mind was a mess before I left for my knee surgery and now, I come back to be spoon fed some stupid Dooze and Don’ts.
It has been a while and while I was gone The Best Alliance has collapsed and Lee Best has supposedly been killed. I shed a tear when I heard and dried it with my insurance bills, for real…fuck that guy.
My favorite referee lost his title to Conor Fuse, I did multiple double takes when I saw that the video game dork won the World Title. I am sure some where Eric Dane had a heart attack. I guess I should thank Conor for that then but then again, the guy just lives off thumbs down and hot twitter takes like Bobby Dean lives off cheese and cheese substitutes. Yea, the joke is he is fat, what a freaking surprise.
Zinger.
I don’t need to go through a bullet point break down of shit I have paid attention to, but I cannot believe Mike Best lost the title back to Conor.
Oh well.
I think I am all caught up on what I know and trust me I paid attention to very little. Being on vacation is one thing but going through the bullshit I have gone through is a different level all together.
Life changes and wrestling should change with it. Here I am with a brand-new meniscus and amazing science to back up my triumphant return.
What science you ask?
Well, I will make sure to get that Miracle Enterprise patent and then sell it to you. I am the test subject and when you see me run through the competition again you will pray for my assistance.
Now I am back to a random tag team pairing with murder boi Chris Kostoff. I am not worried about him beating someone up, but I do worry he cares more about pummeling people then winning a match. If I must point out to him that Doozer is in fact not his friend but someone in his way to regaining some lost glory, then I will.
Doozer—what an inconsistent piece of trash he is.
I was hoping I had put him out of his misery in our HOFC match but no he had to be given another opportunity to be some ridiculous sinner. I am not going to look up which he was, but we can all agree it should have been sloth.
Oh, it was envy?
I really do not care, but we can all agree he is a lazy has-been living off a time in the early 2000’s when he was a champion facing people nobody remembers anymore? Is that who he is now? Is he just a grizzled veteran being nostalgic about a past when he could win a match?
Guess so.
Nostalgia is the stupid person’s crutch.
Here we are again, Dooze. I cannot wait to hear the new edition of Dooze and Don’ts and having it revolve around the last fifteen years of this pathetically pedestrian career in wrestling you have now. I guess I cannot promise to injure your neck so badly you can no longer wrestle because I could have sworn the last time, we fought you couldn’t drive because you couldn’t move your head side to side. You just keep coming back like that cold sore on Lindsay Troy’s lip after another unfortunate night with Teddy Palmer.
But here we are…
…You coming swinging out the gate like some lightweight drunk all hopped up on Bud Light Seltzers and me nonchalantly kneeing you back into irrelevance. I am sure when you wake up the next time it will be the last time in a HOW ring but then again there isn’t anything PRIMing you for success anywhere else.
Take this as me pushing you towards your next profession, buddy because this wrestling shit passed you by a long time ago.
I am sure Bobby needs someone to wipe his chin when he is done eating.
I am sure Cancer Jiles needs someone to make sure he doesn’t run out of weed.
Kostoff certainly needs a man servant barista, so get all those resumes out and hopefully INDEED works for you.
DAVID NOBLE!
Hey…fuck you, guy.
SHRUG.
Yea I said shrug. Big whoop…wanna fight about it?
I don’t know you, but I like to make sure everyone gets the same respect from me. So… yea, glad you know I am a big dude who likes to beat people up.
Is that what my bio said?
Did you look at my bio?
Did you go back and watch any of my promos?
No?
Nothing?
Ugh, ok so generic blah blah put me to sleep is all you got—great, so glad I came back to be bored to literal tears. My eyes are squinting so hard to find any talent between you two morons that my eyes hurt, and I am serious…I am tearing up.
Heh.
Yep.
I am going to take that heart on your sleeve and crush it, David. I am going to chew it, spit it out, and throw it in your daughter’s face. No amount of anger is going to get you over this large hump that is Steve Harrison. I am not trying to insult your daughter. I am insulting you trying to get sympathy for supposedly being a good dad. Nah man…Steve Solex is the BEST dad and he also is an ignorant guy that went by his best by used date six months ago.
I am not trying to be some mean guy. Before I left for surgery and other things, I had started to change because of everything I had remembered. It was not successful, John Sektor injured my knee, and I shook his hand.
WHATDAFOOK.
Yep, Steve Harrison shook that dick heads hand. What I realized is that I don’t need to be who I was or who I had become. I need to be whoever the hell I feel like being. If that means I shake someone’s hand then so be it but trust me I will be wearing gloves because nobody is going to do something to me that I didn’t expect or see coming.
That means I am going to leave you injured, David. I am going to toss you on your neck repeatedly then let Kostoff finish you off. I do not need to cheat…but I will if need be because the greatest tag team wrestler is not back to lose.
No… I am here for everyone who gets in my way. I don’t care if it is Jatt Starr who not once asked how I was after I went out of my way to assure him that The Best Alliance was still there for him. Of course, he is now in another stable because he always needs someone to carry him.
I don’t care who it is because Steve Harrison is back, and I expect no less then to be holding Gold…real soon.
—
“Just do it, doc.”
“I cannot in good conscience give you this.”
“Conscience? You just that when you worked with my dad, just do it!”
GULP
“Fine, but don’t blame me if something…bad happens.”
‘Hmph.”
Fade