State of the World

State of the World

Posted on March 11, 2021 at 10:21 pm by Rah

Southwest Airlines Flight-Nashville to San Diego
Friday March 5th
Somewhere over Southern California nearing San Diego

Dressed in mere street clothes that hid Rah’s identity from the rest of the passengers on the plane and allowed him to blend in, Rah leans back in his seat at the rear of the coach section of the airplane.  He returns from southern Tennessee following a week that saw his mother undergo emergency surgery and spend nearly a week in the hospital.  But once she was released from care and returned home, Rah made the necessary arrangements to make sure she would receive the best care possible, Rah knew he needed to return to San Diego.

Soon, he would have to don the flowing robes, the distinctive black scarf, and the uber-cool sunglasses to deal with a major problem.

Sutler Reynolds-Kael?  No.  Rah knew he would deal with Reynolds-Kael soon enough at March to Glory.

Dawn McGill and her spurious, ill-advised affair with one Cletus T. Johnson?

No.  Rah couldn’t figure out what drove her to renounce her former babyface status in the professional wrestling world and embrace the dark side.  She not only dove deep into becoming a full-fledged, card-carrying heel but the word on the street was Dawn was shacking up with Cletus in the holler of Hueysville, Kentucky.

No in Rah’s eyes, Rah had a bigger problem.

The night before he would return home, Rah just happened to peruse the HOW website where he saw something that disturbed him greatly.

A promo.

A promo presented in Rah’s name.

A promo presented in Rah’s name- NOT written by Rah himself.

He’d been betrayed… again. Okay.  Yes, technically the whole Dawn McGill thing really wasn’t a betrayal because- well, Dawn pointed out that the terms and conditions of their potential one-night conjugal encounter hinged on him defeating Michael Lee Best for the world title.  And yes, Rah tried to skirt the whole world title provision by declaring himself the Champion of the World, complete with title belt, in order to convince McGill to go through with her side of the deal- of which of course she flatly refused.

But that’s beside the point.  He knew Sunny O’Callahan had cut the promo that appeared on the HOW website herself.  He knew how much she complained bitterly when Rah revealed his plan to return home to care for his mother.  He knew major friction had sprung up between O’Callahan and Sports Entertainment Barbie and watched last week’s Refueled show where Sunny dressed her down on HOTv.

Rah knew what had to be done.  But he’s tired.  It’s been a long week and with March to Glory right around the corner, he knows the upcoming week will be long and trying.  Rah tries to sneak in a couple minutes of shut-eye before the plane lands.  His eyes get heavy and he starts to nod off…

*Cue the harp music that signifies a dream sequence is about to start…*

Rah’s jolted back awake in time to see a quick glimpse of the Pacific Ocean off in the distance as the flight begins its final approach to the San Diego International Airport.  Looking out his window, Rah also sees the multi-lane ribbon of highways that criss-cross the city- Interstates 5, 8, 15, and 805 below.

After the plane lands and his luggage gets retrieved, Rah heads towards the exit.  When he steps outside into the sidewalk amongst waiting taxis and other forms of livery who solicited airport business, two men- one slightly diminutive, a little paunchy, but still with a boyish face and the other, thin, old, crinkly, shriveled up, and slightly cranky, step into his path holding up a sign that said simply “Rah.”

Rah knows who these two people are.

Rah:  Middle-aged Marty McFly?  Really old crypt-keeper looking Dr. Emmett Brown?

McFly addresses Rah- who’s still not dressed as Rah- as if he’s known him all his life.

Marty McFly: RAH!

Rah peers quizzically at both men.  He notices an older model – probably mid-eighties vintage – but shiny in the Southern California sun – silver DeLorean that’s parked nearby along the curb.

Marty McFly: Man, we are so glad to see you.

Rah: How do you know-

Marty McFly: Doc Brown and I are big wrestling fans.  Doc and I were big fans of Joe Bergman when he was in HOW.

Rah: Yes, Rah knows of Joe Bergman.

Marty McFly: Joe Bergman has apparently retired from pro wrestling.

Rah: Yes.  Rah is aware of that.

Marty McFly: And you took his place.

Rah: Yes.  Rah is aware of that as well.

Marty McFly: Well, we figured you and Joe were friends and such and we were hoping that in your high exalted position of Champion of the World that you could help us with a potential big problem.

Intrigued, Rah motions to Marty to continue.

Rah: Yes.  Go on.  Rah is listening.

Dr. Emmett Brown: It seems as if Sutler Reynolds-Kael has been using the time machine stolen from Brenton Cross and time traveling willy nilly all over the place.  As a result, my calculations indicate that Sutler has caused serious damage to the time space continuum and if he continues, there’s a chance that a time paradox could result.

Rah: So, what happens when a time paradox results and, really, how bad can it be?

Doc Brown looks at the Sunshine God incredulously.

Dr. Emmett Brown: What happens when a time paradox results????   How BAD could it be?  Why, a time paradox could cause a chain reaction that would (speaks in rapid fire fashion) unravel the very fabric of the spacetime continuum and DESTROY THE ENTIRE UNIVERSE!

Rah rubs his chin and mulls Dr. Brown’s statement.

Rah: So.  That’s bad, right?

Dr. Brown spends the next ten seconds sputtering and wildly gesticulating with his arms before his vocal cords finally kick in and he’s able to formulate a coherent response.

Dr. Emmett Brown: Bad? 

More sputtering and wild gesticulating ensues.

Dr. Emmett Brown (shriek-like tone and talking real fast) BAD?  I would state without any shadow of doubt that a chain reaction that would unravel the very fabric of the spacetime continuum and destroy the entire university is a VERY BAD THING!

Nonplussed by Dr. Brown’s emotional response, Rah again ponders the situation.

Rah: So that is bad.

Doc Brown throws his hands in the air.

Dr. Emmett Brown: GAH!

He spins and gestures to Marty.  He spins back around to Rah and gestures again.

Dr. Emmett Brown: At least, Joe Bergman had the good sense to say ‘no’ to time travel.  Sutler Reynolds-Kael does not.

He points his shaking index finger towards Rah.

Dr. Emmett Brown: There’s only one way to fix this.

Rah: Do you mean like that time Marty lost the sports almanac from 1985 and Biff Tannen got his hands on it and created an alternative 1985 timeline so Marty went back to the original 1985, stole the sports almanac back from Biff, and wiped out the alternative 1985?

Stunned by the unexpectedly lucid recitation of the solution to the problem, Doc Brown and Marty glance at each other with mouths agape.

Dr. Emmett Brown: GREAT SCOTT!

Rah: No, I don’t think he’s in this promo.

Dr. Emmett Brown: You’re right!  (talks fast) The only way to repair the damage Sutler’s constant time traveling exploits have created in the present is to go back to the past at the point where the timeline skewed into this tangent and make sure it never happens.

The Sunshine God just stares at him blankly so Marty simplifies things for him.

Marty McFly: We’re going for a ride.

That Rah understands.

Rah: Oh.  All right then.

Marty rushes around the DeLorean, jump into the front seat of the car, and pull down the driver’s door.

Doc Brown does mental calculations and comes to the conclusion that there’s no chance in hell the six foot eight Rah is going to fit in the back of the car.  So Rah gets in first.  Doc Brown follows and has to sit on the lap of the Sunshine God.

Dr. Emmett Brown: Back!  To the FUUUUU-TURE!

Rah: Hey.  Not in Rah’s ear.

Dr. Emmett Brown: Sorry.

Marty guides the DeLorean out of the airport and onto Interstate 5 in downtown San Diego.  He guns the DeLorean and quickly achieves the required speed for time travel- 88 miles an hour.  The car is enveloped in a silver-ish ball of light followed by bright white burst of energy and the dematerialization of the vehicle that leaves tire tracks of fire along the freeway.

As an aside, so does anyone appear to notice when a souped up, late model DeLorean suddenly disappears in heavy traffic on I-5 in a big ball of light and leaves tracks of fire in its wake?

Sadly, but not surprisingly, the answer is no.

The Aftermath of Some Horrific, Apocolyptic Event That Takes Place in the Future…No, it’s NOT Scottywood’s Three-Year Undefeated Streak as HOW World Champion
The screen fades in to a large group of people all facing the same direction, their attention to somebody at a podium in front of them. It’s dark, they are underground. The people are ragged and worn, seemingly tired. As the camera moves overhead, we see a small stage in front of all them. In the middle is a podium with a man in the middle dressed in military gear, and he is flanked by two other soldiers on each side. He begins to speak.

Soldier: My fellow Americans. My neighbors. My friends. My soldiers…. We have fought together; we have survived together…. We have watched those closest to us, die together. I look back at the beginning of this all. What has transpired to get us to this point. Yes…our country has been torn apart. We have banded with allies, we have fought abroad and at home. Our enemies have been ruthless. It wasn’t Russian attack. It wasn’t the battle with Iran. It wasn’t our loss of the UK or France, and it wasn’t the assault on China. We look back to see where this all began, to see where we made our mistakes, what went wrong. As a humanity, we have come so far. Technological advances that should have united us all, but only tore us apart. Fear, anger, power… all of factor.

He pauses, trying to keep the emotions from taking hold.

Soldier: We’ve lost so many…. But there is a chance to change it all. To right our wrongs… so wrongs never happen at all. Yes, we are at our final hour. Within days, the radiation from the nuclear drops last week will completely cover our land. There is no escape… because there is nowhere else to go. It was said, that we were destined to destroy ourselves….. but there is hope. Tonight, we do something that has never been done before, and we are all in on this gamble. We put our trust in this one individual. He has taken on the burden of fixing this all. He is making the ultimate sacrifice…. To fix it all…. To bring everyone back…. To make peace….to save-

The DeLorean arrives in the future amidst the tell-tale silver-ish ball of light followed by bright white burst of energy.

Soldier: Huh?

He turns around and along with the group of ragged, worn, and desperate people observe a most disturbing sight.

*SPLAT*

Unfortunately, the group sees what happens when a person finds himself in the path of an oncoming vehicle traveling at 88 miles an hour.  In this case, that would be Brenton Cross right before he is able to uses his time machine device to return to the past and to prevent the horrific, apocalyptical event from taking place.  What happens?

Um… well… yeah… you know.

The soldier is appropriately shocked and horrified at this unforeseen turn of events.

Soldier: What have you done?

The people are at first shocked.

Then heartbroken.

And then anger.  Especially when Rah makes the mistake of looking back at the mangled body lying on the ground in the DeLorean’s wake and forcing the most awkward smile ever when he calls out to the soldier and says…

Rah: Um… sorry about that.

Rah shrugs.

A few minutes later…

After the DeLorean escapes in a hail of bullets and gunfire and manages to time travel back to the present, the vehicle returns from where it left, northbound Interstate 5 just north of downtown San Diego.  Mission accomplished.

Again, do the motorists traveling up down the freeway notice the re-materialization of the DeLorean on the freeway going 88 miles an hour?

Yeah, right.  In fact, Marty had trouble keeping up with the speed of traffic on I-5.

Rah is returned back to the airport and brought back to the same sidewalk where inbound passengers wait for taxis and/or to be picked up by their ride.

Rah: Rah wishes to thank you both.  This was a most pleasant distraction from what’s been going on the past week.

Marty: Thank you for helping us maintain the integrity of the space-time continuum.

Rah: Rah also thanks you for stopping back in time to ten years ago and confirm that Rah was the father of Cindy the Coppertone Bikini Girl’s child.

(FLASHBACK: High Octane Wrestling – Thursday Night Turmoil – August 26th, 2010- not the way it actually happened)
Cindy does not look very steady. Two of the Coppertone girls hold her up.

Cindy: Rah?

Rah: Yes, my child.

Cindy(quietly): I’m pregnant.

Rah bends down as if he didn’t quite hear what she said.

Rah: Rah is sorry. Rah didn’t quite understand-

Cindy: I SAID, I’M PREGNANT!

The crowd gasps.

Then…

Man’s Voice: Come to me, my darling! Come and kneel before Zod!

Benny Newell: ZOD!

Hoffman sees who’s coming and does a facepalm.

Joe Hoffman: Oh, you’ve got to be kidding.

Benny Newell: ZODDD!

Joe Hoffman: Don’t you start with that.

Benny Newell: ZODDDDDDD!

To Rah’s great consternation, General Zod saunters down the aisle. He climbs through the ropes and goes over to Cindy.

General Zod: Today begins a new order. Your possessions, your very life, (Zod looks down at her breasts) your huge tracts of land, will gladly be given in tribute to me, General Zod. In return for your obedience, you will enjoy my generous protection.

Benny Newell: ZODDDDDDDDDDD!

Rah points incredulously at General Zod.

Rah: You’re seventy-three years old and you lost your superpowers in Superman II.

The crowd begins to chant, “ZOD! ZOD!”

General Zod: Behold my power! All of you shall kneel before General Zod’s mighty intergalactic jackhammer!

Joe Hoffman: I think I’m going to be sick.

Benny Newell: What? Are you pregnant, too?

Finally Rah raises his hands in the air to get everyone’s attention and to make a grand announcement.

Rah: It’s mine.

*GASP*

Rah: That’s right.  The child is Rah’s.

Benny Newell: RAHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

Everyone is shocked at Rah’s announcement- even Joe Hoffman.

Joe Hoffman: Well, I can’t believe I’m saying this but…what will General Zod do now?

Benny Newell: ZODDDDDDDDDDDDDDD!

Joe Hoffman: Would you stop that?

Face bright red, hands balled into a fist and trembling, General Zod goes up to Cindy.

General Zod: This is mockery and treachery of the highest order. I dare say that I promise swift and ruthless executions of the one responsible.

Zod whirls around and points a crooked finger at the Sunshine God.

Everyone turns to Rah.

General Zod: YOU!

Zod marches up – well marches as well as a seventy-three-year-old man can march – to Rah. 

Joe Hoffman: What will Rah do?

Benny Newell: RAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

Rah grabs General Zod and puts his head in between the Sunshine God’s legs. 

Benny Newell: No, no!  Not ZODDDDDDDDDDDDDDDD!

Rah looks towards the heavens of the Best Arena with his arms stretched out, soaking in the praise and worship of his followers. 

Joe Hoffman: He’s going to do it!

Then Rah looks towards the crowd and, after receiving the necessary strength from his faithful, he lifts General Zod into the air and drills him back to the mat.

Joe Hoffman: EYE OF RAHHHHHHHHHH!

Benny Newell: RAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

Cindy goes up to Rah.  They embrace. 

Marty looks down at Rah’s index finger.  A wedding ring has suddenly materialized.

Marty: Ah…yeah.  Sure.  No problem.

Doc Brown also sees the ring.  He whaps Marty on the shoulder.

Doc Brown: Marty?

Marty shushes him.

Rah: Rah also thanks you for also going back in time to make sure my mother gets a timely colonoscopy because everyone knows that once you reach the age of fifty, you should have a colonoscopy every five years.

Again, Doc Brown seems concerned about meddling in the past and it’s potential ramifications to the present.

Doc Brown: Marty????

Marty: Again, no problem.

Rah: Most of all, thank you for taking me back to last Monday so Rah could stop that awful promo written in Rah’s name by my former employee Sunny O’Callahan from being posted.

Doc Brown: MARTY!!!!

Marty: Well, we’ve gotta go!  Good bye and good luck!

And with that final goodbye, Rah exits the car.

Child’s Voice: DADDY!

Much to Rah’s surprise, Cindy the former Coppertone Bikini girl runs towards him along with two children- one boy… one girl.

Rah: What?

But then, one set of memories is replaced with a new set of memories like a computer that’s swapped out its hard drive and everything suddenly makes perfect sense.

Rah: Mollie!

The seven-year-old girl leaps into Rah’s arms and holds on tight.

Older Woman’s Voice: Well, it’s about time you got back home.

Rah’s eyes widen.

Rah: Mom?

Indeed, the same person he’d left back in Tennessee recovering from major surgery was no longer back in Tennessee recovering from major surgery because thanks to Rah’s intervention it never happened.

Marty and Doc Brown watch mother and son hug.

Marty McFly: Whoa.  Uh Doc?

Doc Brown: GREAT SCOTT!

Rah turns back to the pair and calls out…

Rah: Still not in this promo!

Marty McFly: Should we go back and fix all this?

Doc Brown glances one more time at Rah and his reunion with his family.

Doc Brown: Are you kidding me? Let’s get the hell out of here before we do any more damage.

Marty McFly: Sounds like a good plan.

Marty guns the bullet-riddled DeLorean and heads out of the parking lot towards Interstate 5.

Then the boy runs towards Rah.

Rah: Rah, Junior!

Junior launches himself towards Rah.  Just as the child reaches the open arms of the Sunshine God and slams into him with a jolt…

…and Rah is awakened from his REM-filled powernap and nearly falls out of his seat.

Rah: What?

He looks out the side window.  The plane has just touched down at San Diego International Airport.

Rah glances down at his hand- no ring.

It was all a dream.

*Sigh*

***

The Office of the Champion of the World
Press Room
Mission Valley State Building
San Diego, California
Thursday March 11th, 2021

Sports Entertainment Barbie prepares to speak behind a podium with a placard on the front that reads: ‘Office of the Champion of the World.’

Behind her stands Rah’s followers- the former sorority girls who love to take selfies of themselves and post them on Instagram, Tik-Tok, and all those other ridiculous social media sites.

Also behind Barbie- old school Rah followers Happy Mango and, yes, the one… the only… Bob Nye- Foot Fetish Guy.

Barbie’s got a wary eye on Bob.

Sports Entertainment Barbie: Bob.  Don’t you even think of it.

Thwarted in his quest to check out Barbie’s feet, Nye takes three steps back into line besides Happy Mango- while still eyeing Barbie’s feet.

Barbie: Ladies and gentlemen.  It is my pleasure and-OWW!

Before Barbie can finish, Rah’s Announcer Guy rushes across stage and knocks her out of the way.

The announcer guy raises the microphone to his mouth.

Announcer Guy (in a voice not unlike Michael Buffer): Ladies and gentlemen. I present to you the almost universally-worshipped king of the sun gods of all creation. He commands the chariot that rode across the sky…

And yadda-yadda-yadda.  Yadda-yadda-yadda.  Rah is brought out in the sedan… yadda-yadda-yadda.  The sorority chicks take endless selfies of themselves… yadda-yadda-yadda.

By the time Rah reaches the podium some four minutes later, Barbie has pulled herself up off the floor and collected herself- but not after having to shoo Bob Nye away again from checking out her feet.  The ex-sorority girls continue their barrage of selfies and temporarily blind Happy Mango in the process.

Happy Mango: Aw come on ladies.

Rah leans down towards the microphone and raises his arms.

Rah: Thank you.  Thank you so much.  Please.  Sit down.

The five people attending this spectacle all turn, glance awkwardly at each other, and sit.

Rah: Welcome to my ‘State of the World’ address and who better to deliver a ‘State of the World’ address than the Champion of the World himself… Rah!  Right.

Happy Mango and Barbie nod in agreement.  The sorority girls take selfies.  And Bob Nye is on the floor admiring the foot of one of sorority girls.

Rah: People of the world!  The Champion of the World declares the state of the world to be…

Rah pauses.

Rah: …well …to be brutally honest, the state of the world sucks.

*SMACK*

Off to the side, it seems Bob Nye- Foot Fetish Guy got a little too frisky with one of the ex-sorority sisters’ foot.

Barbie just shakes her head.

Rah: There is so much darkness in the world at the moment.  There’s a battle going on between the light and darkness and at March to Glory this Saturday, Rah will be there to stand for the light.  The sun.  The goodness in this world and not the badness.  And trust me, that’s lots of badness going on in the world right now.  So let’s talk about it.

A monitor situated to Rah’s right fires up and a photo of Sunny O’Callahan appears.

Rah: Sunny O’Callahan.  Rah brought her in to be my official spokesperson.  To share the light with everyone.  Unfortunately, Rah made a big mistake in hiring her.  Her actions at Refueled the other week did not reflect Rah’s idea about sharing the light with everyone.  Her attempt to corporatize Rah most definitely did not reflects Rah’s idea about sharing the light with everyone.  And even though Rah appreciates the free swag that her corporate connections provided as an incentive for me to endorse their products…

Rah points outs the new Tom Ford “Harrison” 57mm Navigator Sunglasses he’s sporting and then shows off his brand spanking new Men’s Wool Runner-up Mizzles high-top tennis shoes.

Rah: …Sunny and Rah’s ambitions did not match so Sunny is no longer a part of Rah’s entourage.  Next…

A photo of Dawn McGill appears on the monitor.

Rah: Dawn McGill.  Okay.  Rah is sad about this.  Rah and Dawn have been friends for many years now.  Rah and Dawn, along with Ray McAvay, Joe Bergman, and others, have had many adventures over the past few years on the road and in wrestling in general.  Yes, Rah might have some prurient interest in mind when Rah trained for the HOW World Title match a few weeks back and, yes, Rah might have been bitterly disappointed at the result on more than one level. But her actions over the past few weeks tells Rah that she’s been seduced by the dark side and lost to Rah.  Rah doesn’t blame Sutler Reynolds-Kael anymore for what happened to her- that was a piece of fiction that Sunny O’Callahan tried to spoon feed Rah and Rah was silly and stupid to have listened to her.  No, the reality is Dawn made her choice and Dawn will need to deal with the consequences of her choice.

Next, a photo of actress Sofia Boutella dressed as the ancient Egyptian princess Ahmanet in the Tom Cruise movie.

Rah: Sofia Boutella is such a great actress.  The Mummy, Atomic Blonde, The Kingsmen, Star Trek Beyond, Modern Love.  Did you know that she starred in a Michael Jackson video?  Hollywood Tonight-

Barbie clears her throat rather loudly.

Rah: Right, moving on.

Next, a picture of Rah’s mother.

Rah turns somber.

Rah: As some may know, Rah just spent a week in Tennessee taking care of my mother.  What’s going on with her has brought much darkness to Rah’s life.  Rah is distressed about what’s going on with her but Rah has tried to be her light in the past few days and will continue to be her light as she fights her illness.

The picture on the monitor switches to Sutler Reynolds-Kael.

Rah: And that brings us back to Sutler Reynolds-Kael, my opponent at March to Glory.  Rah doesn’t know what to make of young Sutler Reynolds-Kael other than he was abandoned by Shane Reynolds and adopted by Max Kael.  Rah believes their upcoming match at March to Glory is a classic battle of light versus darkness because Rah believes that’s where Sutler’s upbringing has led him to- abandoned by his father and raised by a person who reveled in the darkness, Max Kael.  Rah points out that Sutler has now become HOW’s HR person and if there’s a position that embodies the ultimate, evil darkness of one’s soul it’s human resources.  But Rah digresses.

The monitor goes blank.

Rah: To be clear, Rah is not perfect.  Rah has learned a lot of things over the years.  Mainly, that Rah cannot hop into a souped up 1980’s automotive icon and travel back into time to correct all the mistakes that Rah’s made in the past. However, Rah can change the future.

A young ten-year-old boy and his seven-year-old sister tentatively walk out.  Barbie stays close to them so they’re not overwhelmed by the presence of the five people in the press gallery.

Rah: Over ten years ago.  Rah had a one-night stand with one of the Coppertone Tanning Bikini Girls in his entourage.  On HOW’s Thursday Night Turmoil, August 26th, 2010, Rah had the opportunity to own up to what he did.  And like Shane Reynolds did with Sutler, Rah failed to do that.  Rah feels great shame for what Rah did… or didn’t do.  However, unlike Shane Reynolds, Rah has seen the light.

He turns to his son.

Rah: Rah vows to do everything in Rah’s power to make up for the time with you that Rah missed.

He turns to the girl.

Rah: You may be not be Rah’s biological child- but Rah promises that you will be treated as one.

Barbie wipes a tear from her eye.

Rah: It’s been said that Rah came back to HOW to change history.  No, Rah has come back to HOW to rewrite history.  Rah has come back to be a force for goodness to counter all the badness going on in the world because Rah knows we really need more goodness instead of all the badness in the world.  Rah has just one job to do at March to Glory.  Rah will bring the heat of a thousand suns and the fury of a supernova to Sutler Reynolds-Kael in hopes that Rah will emerge victorious.  Thank you.  And good night.