Alright, we need to talk.
More accurately, I need to talk. You need to listen. Every single one of you needs to hear this, and you need to shut the fuck up and pay attention. I want you to look at Clay Byrd. I want you to read his promos. I want you to take notes. Not a single motherfucker in this company can beat me in a HOFC match, and I am beyond exhausted of waiting for you to figure it out.
So I’m gonna teach you how.
Step One: Cut An Actual Fucking Wrestling Promo
That’s it, actually. That’s the entire fucking process required to beat me. Why is this so hard to understand? Why the fuck does everyone stroke out and convulse snd try to get cute every time they see my name across from theirs on the card? It’s so goddamned frustrating. It’s cringey. Chris Kostoff beat me in HOFC, you wanna know how? He ignored my bullshit distractions and cut a wrestling promo. Christopher America beat me. You know how? He ignored my bullshit distractions and cut a wrestling promo. The only two men in history to ever beat me in HOFC… IN FUCKING 2010… did it by cutting wrestling promos.
But look at Clay Byrd. Isn’t he cute?
He said Brunk and Colin, guys. How edgy. How meta. HE’S JUST HAVING FUN GUYS, BIG HOSS CAME TO PLAY. So thirsty to be the guy who finally beats me that he’s the fucking Kool-Aid Man now, while the whole of HOW shakes their heads and says “OH NO”. This is not well executed, folks. This is not a smart idea. It literally accomplished nothing, though I’m sure he’s gonna say he rustled my jimmies and got under my skin or whatever Brian Hollywood already said in one of his three consecutive losses to me. Sorry to break the bad news, but literally no one on this roster is capable of hurting my feelings. You’re barely capable of getting a real reaction out of me anymore.
This is why HOFC is dead.
It’s because y’all don’t understand it. It isn’t just an excuse to smash through the fourth wall and say personal shit. What you did wasn’t creative, Clay. When I mocked the DMs you sent me, I made it make sense. When Dan Ryan made fun of my divorce, he made it make sense. You’re just talking about dog bites and dropping random names that have nothing to do with HOW, because you’re not a bad promo but you have the creativity of a fucking genital wart. Once you take away the lazy accent and the constant repetitive yet somehow still vague physical threats, you have literally nothing.
I use the fourth wall as a goof with my friends.
You’re using it as a crutch.
So no, I’m not offended that you dropped a couple of names that didn’t belong. I’m offended that you did it so poorly. I’m not offended that no one wants to face me in HOFC matches, I’m offended that when they do, they force themselves to get cute and beat me at my own game. You literally can’t. I promise that you can’t. Dan Ryan couldn’t do it, and if he can’t do it, I PROMISE you can’t. And you can keep dropping mics in the Discord pretending that I’m not disemboweling you, too— that’s another trick everyone seems to like to pull, but a dead body is a dead body and it ain’t just a flesh wound.
Fuck, I’m so bored of this fucking company.
I really thought HOFC was going to be the thing that made this fun for me again. I’ve been responding to the same exact promo since March, over and over, and I’m just tired. Clay, I know you’re DMing around about how me comparing you to Stevens was garbage. And you know what? You’re right— Stevens at least does something behind the scenes to make his trifling ass worth the hassle. What about you? What do you do for HOW, outside of responding to every promo I drop with a gif that says “STOP, HE’S ALREADY DEAD”?
Lack of self awareness is amazing.
Anyway, here’s my second promo. I already beat you, but I’ll thumb a few more soft ones in for you after this, so I don’t lose on quantity. See what I just did? Referenced the scoring system.
So edgy. Five stars.