Posted on January 20, 2021 at 5:08 pm by Sutler Kael

Nine lost souls sat in a circle like they had for nearly three decades in some cases. Each came ready to take the steps necessary to break their addiction, each came ready to lend an ear and share their own experiences here at their weekly A.A. Meetings. 


It was Sutler’s first time here but after talking with his Uncle, he knew this was where he was needed. He knew he had to take the first steps.


Standing up the youth took a deep breath and mentally prepared himself. 


“My name is Sulter Reynolds-Kael and I’m these BOMBASS DAN RYAN INSULTS!” 


Reaching his notebook from his pocket there is an audible gasp among the other attendees. 


“While this Saturday at Refueled L I’ll be taking my first step into the New Year with an #UNDEFEATED streak, Dan Ryan will have to look for a new rug. He threatened to skin me in case you’re confused along with some other forgettable stuff, I don’t recommend it.”


“..oh no I saw this guy at O’Sullivan’s last night.”


Looking up from his notes Sutler throws a shady glare toward the sound of the voice. 


“Woah, you’re in A.A. and you were at a bar last night? That’s fucked.” 


“Yeah, and I need to talk ab-.”


“Shut up and wait your turn you fucking lush, I’m not done yet. I spent six to seven minutes this morning jotting these down and now I’m here to share my addiction with you all to improve your stupid, alcohol crippled lives. Jesus Christ, no wonder you people have addiction problems, I’m not even done introducing myself and I need a drink. Fuck.”


An awkward silence washes over the room as Sutler clears his throat, his eyes darting around the room daring someone to stop him. 


“..I can’t decide if Dan Ryan is the final Evolution of the Chris Kostoff fighting-type starter or if it’s like a Hitmonlee/Hitmonchan situation. That’s a Pokemon reference joke, both guys are dudes that got their start in the 90ies who could probably do catheter commercials now. Nothing?!”


He aggressively turns the page.


“Dan Ryan is the Highest Cholesterol choice in High Octane Wrestling behind John Sektor and Jatt Starr. Speaking of which I keep expecting those three guys to form a four man stable called The Three Huskyteers with the fourth member being slapped together with all their extra skin. Maybe throw in Bobby Dean and make it a six man super group!”


“Were those fat jokes?”


“Woah, go ahead and date yourself grandpa, nobody calls things phat anymore. What, did you recently watch Remember the 90ies or something? Shut up, you’re stupid and an addict, can I finish now?! I thought A.A. was an inclusive organization, I’ve never felt more unwelcome!”


A petulant glare, another round of groans from his captive audience. 


“Now I know I’ve been hard on Dan Ryan but really he’s a great guy. Look at all that he’s done for the eMpire. When Cecilworth Farthington needed to look good without risking anything, Dan Ryan was there to dutifully lose. When my Uncle needed a feel-good victory after he murdered my father? Dan Ryan ready to bottom for Mike Best in his moment of need. On Saturday at Refueled L Dan Ryan can keep his Legacy alive and give me the victory that I need to become a legitimate contender in High Octane Wrestling. Maybe one day when Dan Ryan’s daughter, Cecilia, is old enough she can put her shoulders to the canvas for Chloe, really bring both girls into the family business well aware of each other’s place.”


His eyes dart up eager to see the reactions to what he considers a cutting insult. He receives nothing but silence and stares. 


“I’m giving you good material here and not even a chuckle? I’m bringing professional humor into your bleak lives and you’re giving me nothing! Do you guys really want to hear from that loser who was at the bar last night?”




The entire circle rebukes him shocking the young man. 


“I knew it.. You’re all a bunch of asshole Dan Ryan fans. I should have known with the prodigious number of dad bods, especially among the women here. GET A PELOTON DEBRA! Fuck all you, I hope your feet fall off you diabetic shitbags, Sutler OOOOOUT!”