No! Dammit, where the hell is it?
The clang of the heavy lid connecting with the Toilet Tank echoes around the bathroom. Jesse Fredericks Kendrix, sweat protruding through his work out tank top holds his hands atop of his head as he sits himself on the toilet seat.
Think man, think! He can’t have taken it all.
A sharp bolt upright, his elbows off his knees and hands down to his side, Jesse lunges towards the cabinet above the sink, frantically removing and dropping it’s contents everywhere. Toothpaste, tooth brushes, razors, you name it, it’s in the basin, on the floor all in a flash until he removes a plastic bag and empties its contents in the sink. Miniature hotel shampoo bottles. Being on the road in the game for many years now the Bruvs have borrowed their fair share of these and other hotel freebies such as furniture and somehow a grand piano.
He hasn’t taken it all. Sweet sweet alcohol come to papa!
He unscrews the bottle top and downs the contents but quickly regrets his impulse.
On goes the tap as Jesse holds his mouth open wide underneath it.
What the fuck, Mikey! Don’t tell me he knew about these as well.
One by one, Jesse unscrews and sniffs each miniature bottle of shampoo and conditioner emptied from the bag. Each one was opened with hope, with desperation but each one was not what he was hoping for, including the last one which he smashes against the cabinet mirror and cutting himself in the process as shards of glass drop to the basin.
Kendrix: BLOODY HELL. FUCK!
Grabbing his cut hand he applies pressure to stop the bleeding as he slumps despairingly onto his backside. Reaching out for paper he tends to his wound.
Kendrix: Shit that’s deep…THAT’S WHAT SHE SAID!
Queue sudden tears. Not of laughter of this hilarious joke (that will never ever get old) in times of strife but out of pure mental exhaustion.
His brow slouched, Jesse hangs his head back up, eyes clenched closed, still tending to the wound in his hand.
He knew about the tank, he knew about the water bottles of vodka. He knew about the beer in the piano we borrowed from the Marriott…
He affords himself a chuckle out of disbelief as well as a dejected shake of the head.
He gave the strippees and bars Mikey Money not to serve me without his ok and now he’s onto the Triple S…my secret shampoo stash!
Jesse takes a moment to survey the desperate carnage he made around the bathroom before removing the pressure from his hand…more blood drips as he grabs more paper to reapply the makeshift bandage.
Kendrix: The fucker, gotta love the guy. Jesse, Jesse, Jesse! What the fuck is wrong with you, bruv. You’ve gotta get it together. Mikey’s right, how can you go to war with your bruvs if you’re still fighting this internal one you’ve got going on in your head?
He carefully gets back up to his feet and searches for a band aid. It’s not in the cabinet of course, it’s somewhere else in the bathroom now.
One drink couldn’t hurt though, right? C’mon I’m allowed one especially after our huge victory last week!
He looks in the remaining piece of glass from the cabinet mirror, enough to see the reflection in his eyes.
Kendrix: This war is going to go on for some time yet.
Lights! Camera! Action!
We’re greeted by a brand new studio set. A raised floor with graphics underneath show a familiar logo, albeit tweaked.
The logo spins as the camera pans out to reveal a large television wall. The studio audience claps on cue and theme music begins. We roll over the audience of about 50 people. They all smile, clap, and wave. Finally a voice over.
V/O: “Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to the first edition of “SPORTS: ENTERTAINMENT TONIGHT!” …AAAAAAAND here’s your host! He’s “The World’s Greatest Sports Entertainer….in the World”….This is MIKEY UNLIKELY!
From behind a curtain walks the new host with the most. He’s wearing a grey dress slacks and a white button up shirt that’s undone at the top. He sports his signature sunglasses, only this week they’re gold! OBVS.
He walks onto the glass set smiling and waves gently at the crowd. After a moment the applause dies down and Mikey begins the show.
Mikey Unlikely: Welcome! To the very first edition of SPORTS: ENTERTAINMENT TONIGHT!” I’ll be your host as we dive into the deep deep world of professional wrestling, interviewing celebrities and wrestlers alike, and of course…do a little gossiping!
The crowd laughs as Mikey plays it innocent. He puts his hands out in front of him.
Mikey Unlikely: But before we get into all that, I want to thank our sponsor today: HIGH OCTANE WRESTLING! High Octane is based out of Chicago, IL and is a highly respected wrestling promotion in today’s atmosphere. They have their rough edges… and Scott Stevens…
The crowd once again laughs as if cued up to do so.
Mikey Unlikely: But all around they provide a terrific violent and entertaining program. As a competitor there myself, I can say with absolute certainty that when it comes to High Octane, the talent level doesn’t get ANY BETTER! They have their big show coming up called WAR GAMES! Two teams, one cage! Who will survive?
Applause all around. The host turns to another camera, another angle… he still looks great! The video wall behind him lights up with the High Octane Logo.
Mikey Unlikely: Now speaking of High Octane, yours truly has a big tag team match coming up JUST THIS WEEK!
“OOOOOOOOOOOOOO” from the gallery. This shit has to be canned noise.
Mikey Unlikely: That’s right, at Refueled 25 when the Hollywood Bruvs face off against Red and Ted in an epic confrontation!
He holds up one finger.
Mikey Unlikely: Only one team can win the match and earn the chance to be picked for War Games… will it be LA’s Favorite Frapp Brothers? Or will Red Ted Redemption prevail? For more on this story, let’s kick over to S:ET! Correspondent “Jay Effkay!” Jay?
The video screen switches to shows a rather familiar looking Jay Effkay sitting behind a desk. He’s got his hair slicked back and a suit and tie on. He pulls the paper on the desk together and taps it against the surface a few times to get it in order. He grabs his coffee mug which has a picture of Dan Ryan and Lindsay Troy on it. The mug flashes gold around their faces accompanied by the words “Beat Them Clean” and raises it to his mouth. A ⅓ Graphic shows up at the bottom of the screen and reads:
Sports: Entertainment Tonight Correspondent:
Dissatisfied with his caffeine intake Jay Effkay spits it out behind his desk and gives the mug an angry look before looking frustratingly over at someone off screen.
Jay Effkay: Dammit, Karen! How many times have I told you…just because my favourite coffee mug in the world has those two dorks faces on there doesn’t necessarily mean that the actual coffee has to be weak and boring as well!
He arches his arm back as if ready to throw the mug in anger at poor Karen but luckily for her Jay Effkay finally realises that he is now live with Mikey in the studio.
Jay Effkay: Oh, I totally didn’t see you there, bruv.
Jay waves enthusiastically with a huge grin on his face. Back in the studio Unlikely waves back with his stack of note cards.
Mikey Unlikely: Bruv, we hear you have an update for us in a MISSING PERSONS case! What’s the inside scoop?
Switch back to Jay behind a desk. Beside him on our screens, a small square opens up and reveals a newspaper graphic. The headline says “MISSING” and shows a picture of Red and Ted.
Jay Effkay: Listen Yeah!? We have an update on some missing people! Alex Redding and Teddy Palmer, members of the tag team known as “Red and Ted” have been found recently after a long hiatus from in ring action! Last month concluded the Lee Best Invitational tournament at March to Glory where we saw Alex Redding LOSE out on his opportunity at the LSD Championship! As well as Teddy Palmer FALLING just short in his attempt to unthrone the High Octane World Champion, Cecilworth Farthington. Since that time both men have been M.I.A.
We see Mikey Unlikely nodding intently in the studio, very distressed over the missing people.
Jay Effkay: You’re right to look distressed Mikey, I’m glad somebody finally realised they were missing.
Mikey Unlikely: Yes Bruv, it’s been weeks upon weeks, I’ve barely kept up with the chase.
Jay Effkay: It is indeed very concerning. Both Red and Ted had unbelievable runs during the LBI. They had the momentum of a runaway freight train and the entire World right behind the two plucky underdogs going into March to Glory. However, since they were handed their arses by the defending champions, they failed to show up for work in High Octane for over a month.
Mikey strokes his chin in thought.
Mikey Unlikely: Hmmm, that is very strange. They were the darlings of the HOW fans all around the world, they stole all of their hearts during that run. Perhaps they were kidnapped? It’s the only explanation.
Jay Effkay drops his reading glasses with no frames from his head resting them to his nose as he reads the papers from the desk held out in front of him.
Jay Effkay: Well that does seem like a logical explanation, Mikey. You’re very logical, I’ve always said that.
Mikey Unlikely: Yeah but I said it first!
Mikey holds the palm of his hand up as does Jay as they air high five each other.
Jay Effkay: But according to my sources it appears that, rather than suck up their SOUL CRUSHING DEFEATS…like real men and turn up to work the very next week in order to bounce straight back and regain their momentum going forward…they instead decided to behave like a bunch of pussies. They stayed at home, crying to mummy, reliving the spotlight they enjoyed during the LBI and boasted to each other about how they can tell stories forever more to their children and grandchildren about their one day in the sun and how they ALMOST finally won Gold worth a damn in this business at March to Glory.
Mikey checks his notes on his side of the screen.
Mikey Unlikely: According to my notes it looks like that is NOT what the Hollywood Bruvs did when they lost a match, even a title match! Instead they took the very next opportunity they were afforded and beat G.o.D…. remind me again… which stable beat both Redding and Palmer?
Jay rummages hurriedly and aimlessly through his paperwork.
Jay Effkay: Based on the most current information available, it was Max Kael of Group of Death, as well as Cecilworth Farthington of the same exact faction.
Contemplative looks from both Bruvs.
Mikey Unlikely: …and isn’t Group of Death, the same group that 24K! Is 2-0 against? I mean, there was the guantlet match won by Murrrfection! Then… just last week, The Hollywood Bruvs toppled Dan Ryan and Lindsay Troy also of the Group of Death…. Interesting.
Jay Effkay: It is a scary thought Ladies and Gentlemen but rest assured, it appears after all that Group of Death IS just a name.
He lets it linger…
Mikey Unlikely: Now Red and Ted were at one point riding a huge wave of momentum only to let it slip away! Care to expound on that Jay?
Jay Effkay: I do care to expound on that Mikey, and expound I will, for I am a professional reporter and not a Sports Entertainer with a similar name to my own.
Mikey throws his hand down toward his colleague.
Mikey Unlikey: Oh stop it, you’re embarrassing me with your very true words.
Jay Effkay: This is an intriguing little bit of strategy here by Red and Ted, I must say that my sources have given me a couple of theories. The main one being that Teddy Palmer needed time out because Farthington gave him a boo boo on his arm. However, this source of mine is addicted to drugs, god knows what he was on when he sent me this. That’s the oldest lie in the book when it comes to being a flake.
In the studio Unlikely holds his arm and winces in pain.
Jay Effkay: The other theory is that Alex Redding locked himself indoors because he couldn’t bring himself to face anybody after not only losing his golden opportunity at finally becoming a HOW champion, but also because he was found out to be the worst Red and Ted team member when Ted beat his ass during the LBI. I’m told, Ted had been kissing his arse over the last month, apologising profusely and sending Red’s food through the letter box so he doesn’t have to go outside and face people. However they have been spotted outside this week in a local smelly gymnasium and we understand that they somehow expect to come right back where they left off and just pick up all of the momentum and chemistry they left behind when they took their holiday.
Mikey wiggles his fingers in front of his face in apparent cowardly fashion.
Jay Effkay: Everyone knows of course that you can’t just turn momentum and team chemistry on and off like a bloody tap whenever you feel like it. It just doesn’t work that way Mikey! In fact, I’m being told this isn’t even a theory, it’s REAL NEWS!
Mikey Unlikely: Interestingly enough, that takes us to our next segment! Thanks for the update Jay!
The graphic with “Jay Effkay” disappears from the video wall. In its place is a giant Twitter logo. Unlikely moves over to the wall and stands next to it.
Mikey Unlikely: It’s now time to read off YOUR questions to be answered by both myself and my tag team partner, ladies and gentlebruvs, allow me to introduce a man you haven’t seen yet today… Jeeeeeeesse Freeeeeeedricks Keeeeeeeendrix!
The Hollywood Bruv quickly removes his suit jacket, tie and glasses without frames as he makes his way over from “Jay Effkay’s” desk to Gluefist his hosting tag team partner. After the seemingly 60 second attempt to pull their hands back apart, they embrace in a manly bruvhug.
Kendrix: Thanks for having me on the show Mikey, it’s quite the honour. Also, I must say that your friend Jay Effkay seems to be very knowledgeable and truthful as well as a sexy looking beast. There’s certainly no fake news on your show, bruv.
The bruvs both wink at the audience who applaud pleased with what they are both seeing and hearing tonight.
Mikey Unlikely: I want to let everyone know this segment is brought to us by Carter’s Antibiotic Gel… Cut in the face with a large shard of glass? Use Carters!
He just brushes right past that one.
Mikey Unlikely: Alright up first, this question is from @Lindzanity Her question is: “Hollywood Bruvs, at HOWtv’s 400th episode, you debuted with Perfection and Andy Murray and put High Octane on notice… How do you feel your debut was received? #QueenoftheSting”
He shrugs and nods.
Mikey Unlikely: Very fair question! The 400th Episode of HOW television. 400 episodes of hard work, grit, blood, sweat and tears left in the same famous ring by each and every wrestler in HOW history…all of that…taken advantage of and discarded of when 24K laid out the two dominant stables at the time and stood high above them. 24K had declared war. Since then, nobody has even dared to try and get retribution. I would call that a success!
Kendrix: Absolutely, bruv. However, there are some uneducated morons out there with an alternative view on our debut. For example, our opponents at Refuelled 25, those stay at home keyboard warriors everybody has forgotten about by now, Red and Ted, they have a theory that nobody cares about The Hollywood Bruvs or our debut.
Jesse holds his hands worriedly to his open mouth in mock shock.
Kendrix: This theory could indeed hold some weight if you live by the rule of ignoring the thing you don’t like and it will go away. That’s one approach to it I guess. OR it could be the correct actual reason being because you’re just all a bunch of pussies who accept being disrespected at one of the most important nights in HOW’s history because you all run in fear of 24K’s actions happening to you again. NEXT!
Unlikely smiles widely. He looks back to the video wall for the next question.
Mikey Unlikely: This one is from @Brunkolli. He’s an Andy Dalton fan from Dallas, TX. Brunkolli has a question here: “Mikey, in the 4 matches the Hollywood Bruvs have been in, you’ve won two and you’ve lost two. What do you think the difference has been in each scenario? #IUsedToBe50NowIm40.”
Kendrix: Oooh that’s a good one.
Mikey Unlikely: It sure is Bruv! Helluva Q! I’ll be honest, the Bruvs are 2-2! We have let a couple matches slip… but we’ve only lost to our own Bruvs. The ONLY people in HOW who have beaten us, are IN 24K! So the only people quote unquote “better than us” are the guys we roll with. In the two opportunities we’ve had where we knew in advance who we were facing, we won them both. It’s when they start hitting us with this rando lucky lottery bullshit that we had some issues. This week… we know our opponents… we know what the prize is. When we have the time to strategize and plan there’s no one better.
Mikey lightly taps his Bruv on the chest, his queue he’s up.
Kendrix: What, again?! I mean…Red and Ted and the Bruvs couldn’t be more different, while you work and work hard…I mean, you know…when you’re not M.I.A!
The bruvs afford themselves a mighty manly man chuckle.
Kendrix: You’ve struggled to taste real success. We got to the top and stayed there by working smart. Unlike most tag teams in OUR division the Hollywood Bruvs both appreciate and compliment each other as tag team partners. There’s not one ego bigger than the other in this team. There’s no face of the team. Our egos are both equally huge and our faces are both equally beautiful.
Mikey Unlikely: I think it’s fair to say we have them scouted. Palmer has a bicep tear. eight to ten weeks…. OUCH! A full tear would be three to five months. He’s a wounded animal going into war. Now that’s just a BAD and RECKLESS ego. He’s putting himself and his partner in danger. After facing the bruvs, Palmer’s going to wish he was medically disqualified from competing. We understand that you respect Andy Murray, who the hell doesn’t. This man brings it every single week, even with a dodgy knee, and nobody can touch him right now! Andy Murray is the exception to the rule Bruv…
Kendrix: Don’t worry Brunkolli, We’re going to show that it was not a wise decision for Teddy Bear to rush back as we go 3-2. As good as you are Teddy, you’re no Andy Murray, there’s no shame in that, no one is. That’s why we’re glad he is 24K GOLD. It’s only 26 years experience in the game that gets him to perform at his level while carrying much worse injuries than a partially torn bicep. By the time we’re done with you, you’re going to have a lot more time to reflect on missed opportunities.
The American Bruv queues up the next Twitter question… there’s some burners today!
Mikey Unlikely: Alright up next is @ChastityaGoGo and she’s got a question for Kendrix!
JFK looks on worriedly.
Mikey Unlikely: She says… “Dammit Kendrix, I’ve called you five times today…I’m Pregnan….WOOOOOOOO How did that one get in there! Ok Production can we go ahead and move to the next question! Seems like JFK has something to take care of after the show today!”
Jesse rubs his face with the palm of his hand.
Kendrix: Dear God not again, Chastity!
They quickly move on.
Mikey Unlikely: Alright next LEGITIMATE Question is from @MikeWorst1. He wants to know. “Why are Red and Ted only full of praise for Andy Murray and disregarding The Hollywood Bruvs before they even get in the ring with you? Also do they know you have Andy Murray’s contract by the balls? #HEYYOUDONTSAYTHAT” GREAT QUESTION! I’ve been waiting for this one Bruv.
Jesse shakes his head, dismissing all thought of his problem to take care of after the show goes off the air. He rolls his shoulders forward in preparation for his answer to the ground breaking question.
Kendrix: Quite frankly, it’s simply down to this meh attitude of theirs. Their meh attitude to 24K’s declaration of war. Even their meh attitude to the formation of GoD shows a lack of professionalism and respect to their colleagues. So much talent, so much potential and it’s going to waste because Red and Ted don’t respect their fellow professionals.
Unlikely can’t help but agree with his brilliant Bruv.
Mikey Unlikely: Just like Ryan and Troy did, Red and Ted are taking the Bruvs lightly. They think because we tell our jokes, because we sports entertain that we can’t out-wrestle them? Please, continue to disrespect us. Please, I beg you, continue to dismiss The Hollywood Bruvs. Continue to think that Andy Murray is the only big deal in 24K to take seriously or that Perfection is just competent. We couldn’t care less if they’ve changed their mind on us or not. We couldn’t care less if they continue to fall into that same old trap that countless others have fallen into over the years. They all fall for it. Every. Single. Time.
The view cuts back over to JFK. He looks directly into the camera.
Kendrix: So please Red, please Ted. Take your work ethic, take your heart, take your desire, take your disregard of doctors orders and take your false sense of security into battle with the Hollywood Bruvs. But most importantly take your jealousy, your hate, take the locker rooms hate, take the people’s hate of us into our very own war at Refuled 25. A war where you truly believe that you will win because of your misguided belief that you have the people and GOD on your side.
Kendrix holds up two fingers rather rudely in front of him.
Kendrix: Everyone knows that to win a war only two things count, strategy and being one step ahead of your opponents every single step of the way.
Mikey Unlikely: Do your homework, lads. It’s very important. I have no idea why, for example, you expect Andy Murray is going to up and DROP 24K!
Kendrix belly laughs.
Mikey Unlikely: I don’t think they’ve been paying attention. The ONLY way Andy Murray gets out from underneath my thumb is by RETIRING. I have his contract! I OWN ANDY MURRAY! I am nothing if not a smart businessman. I locked up Murray in 2018 to a non compete contract that gives me exclusive rights to book him in America. Andy Murray can’t work here in HOW without Mikey Unlikely and that’s not going to change any time soon!
Now the Bruvs laugh together.
Mikey Unlikely: It looks like we have time for one more question! JAY EFFK…I mean… KENDRIX do you have time for one more?
The Englishman looks impatiently at his watch before agreeing to stay a little longer.
Kendrix: Alright what the hell! One more for the Strippees!
It’s queued up on screen.
Mikey Unlikely: OK last question this week is from “@MaximumKale” on twitter wants to know “Why is it when Red and Ted joined High Octane, there were no changes… but when The Hollywood Bruvs joined The Tag Team Division was rebuilt, re branded, given priority, and brought back from obscurity?” Bruvtastic Q Maximum!
A slow round of applause echoes between Jesse’s hands.
Kendrix: Best question of the night. Try to bury us all you like Redding and Palmer but you can’t pull the wool over MaximumKale’s eyes. You say no one cares about us. THEN WHY CHANGE THE ENTIRE FED TO FIT US!? The fact remains that the tag division in HOW is what it is today because of the Bruvs. We made those Tag Team titles relevant again. They went dormant for too long in the hands of the eMpire. We’ve done more for the tag division with our mere presence in HOW then you two stay at home pussies, who won championship gold with companies that are now dead in the water just like your momentum, have ever done for it.
He jabs his index finger against the side of his head.
Kendrix: Think about it boys. The amount of Tag Teams that joined HOW after our arrival, the focus of the company shifted from singles competition to build up the Tag Division. We even had a Tag Team Gauntlet match at March to Glory, the biggest event of the year! Why? Because the Hollywood Bruvs are the only genuine tag team that matter today. Why? Everybody wants a piece of us. Either because they hate our guts or because we are where the fucking money is at. Lee Best in that respect knows he’s onto a good thing. Now we even have the hall of famer, the Godfather of the Tag Division himself, Mario Mauroko, running the Tag Team action in HOW.
Jesse, ushers the cameraman closer as he focuses up intently at the lens.
Kendrix: The Hollywood Bruvs are the ones who opened the doors to make this all possible in just under three months. How long have you been here guys? How long have you been scratching and crawling for people to finally give a fuck about you both? There wasn’t even a tag team rankings table on the HOW website. Nobody gave a fuck about your work. The only success you’ve had is in singles competition. Now suddenly you’re a tag team again, why? because that’s where the money’s at now.
He looks away momentarily slicking his hair back before his final focus upon the lens.
Kendrix: There was no tag division before the Hollywood Bruvs turned up. You were successful as a team because you barely had a division to oppose you. You were just fishes in a small pond. The moment we hit the scene, that pond grew into an almighty ocean. And at Refueled 25 your’e gonna be swimming with the fucking sharks!
We come back from a commercial break and now Mikey is sat upon a wooden stool in the middle of the set. He’s alone, and all the lights are dimmed low save for one single spotlight that points directly down on him. It’s a very cool setting dammit!
A graphic crosses the screen.
He lifts his head and speaks softly into the camera.
Mikey Unlikely: They allowed their time in the spotlight and their momentum to simply slip away when instead they should have been chomping at the bit to take back their spot for the biggest prizes in our game. Your time out of action has just put you further behind the game. You two have a lot of catching up to do. Mark my words, Red, Mark my words Ted…we declared war the moment we stepped foot into this company. The Hollywood Bruvs, 24K…we’ve been ready for War Games before we arrived.
We’re willing to admit you boys are very very good, we know our competition, we scout our competition. Quite frankly we like to give credit where credit is due, but it’s quite obvious that the other side of the coin is a completely different face. I believe Red and Ted are afraid to admit that the Bruvs are good. Afraid to admit that we are a hell of a tag team, because they know deep down inside what the truth is. They know the Bruvs are good, they know the bruvs are worldwide and it’s my belief that if they thought EVEN FOR A SECOND that the bruvs might be up to the task then it’s going to break their confidence, it’s going to allow that SEED of doubt and fear to grow inside your minds, until you’re flat on your back and the referee counts 3….
To everyone else out there, don’t let the referee count three on you, kick out and keep on fighting! Until next time,I’m Mikey Unlikely and this has been Sports: Entertainment Tonight!
The applauds are deafoning as the scene fades out on both Mikey and Kendrix frantically waving goodbye as the show ends.