Someone Had to Post

Someone Had to Post

Posted on August 31, 2023 at 8:25 pm by Jatt Starr



It was as if Beezlebub himself were speaking through the Jattlantic City Idol.  The news that Scott Hunter, the protege of Dan Ryan, had sold Csilla right from under him had instilled within him a rage he had not felt since his daughter was shot.   The fact that Dan Ryan delivered the news to him with the nonchalance of someone commenting on the weather did not help matters.


DAN RYAN: I know that’s not what you wanted to hear.

JATT STARR: I’ll kill him!!!

DAN RYAN: There is no need to overreact.


DAN RYAN: In his defense, he’s an idiot.

JATT STARR: He’s going to be a dead idiot when I get my hands around his neck!  Who did he sell her to?!

DAN RYAN: He didn’t say.

JATT STARR:  You didn’t ask?

DAN RYAN: It didn’t come up.

JATT STARR: It didn’t come up?!  What do you mean it didn’t come up?!

DAN RYAN: It didn’t come up.

JATT STARR: How did it not come up?!  

DAN RYAN: It didn’t come up. It needed to feel organic.

JATT STARR: “You sold my wife?! Hey, nimrod, who’d you sell her to?” What’s more organic than that?!

DAN RYAN: You know he might have said something about who he sold it to.  Masked guy…

JATT STARR: He sold your wife!  How are you not incensed in the least over the news?!

DAN RYAN: Come on….


DAN RYAN: You know damn well that I am not going to marry any of those women, least of all Chewbacca’s sister.

JATT STARR: She has a genetic condition!

DAN RYAN: Yeah, her parents were Wookies!

JATT STARR: You don’t know what she’s been through!  You have never even spoken to her!

DAN RYAN: I don’t speak—-

JATT STARR: If you say that you don’t speak “wookie”, I will punch you in the scrotum!

DAN RYAN: For your information, I was not going to say that.



The Hero of Jattlanta stood with his arms crossed, looking admonishingly towards his PWA Co-World Champion.  


JATT STARR: What, praytell, were you going to say?

DAN RYAN: I don’t speak Chewbacca.

JATT STARR: She speaks English, sort of.  In case you didn’t know.  She liked bunnies.

DAN RYAN: For lunch or dinner?

JATT STARR: No jokes, please.  I tried to do something right by you.

DAN RYAN: I know.  It was the stupidest thing you could have done but you were just trying to help in your own demented way.  

JATT STARR: You know what needs to happen now, right?



Dan Ryan backed away, waving his arms to and fro as Jatt Starr approached with his arms outstretched.


JATT STARR: We have to hug it out.

DAN RYAN: I’m good.

JATT STARR: Come on!  

DAN RYAN: You want to hug someone, hug STRONK.

JATT STARR: Heck no!  Haven’t you ever noticed that he perpetually smells like liverwurst?

DAN RYAN: I don’t go around smelling STRONK.

JATT STARR: It was incidental!  I have wrestled him a couple of times and the stench is pungent. 


The Champion of Jattanooga relented in his quest for a Dan Ryan hug and sat leaned next to the conference room door.


JATT STARR: Do we even trust that dimwit?

DAN RYAN: We have mutual interests sometimes that’s all that’s needed.

JATT STARR: What are we going to do?


JATT STARR: No, the girls.  It’s not like we can just go to WalMart and return them like a faulty Air Fryer.

DAN RYAN: We could take them to WalMart and leave them there.

JATT STARR: Be serious.

DAN RYAN: I am serious. Right there in the Seasonal and Celebrations aisle. 

JATT STARR: We have one girl whose mouth is stitched shut like a Raggedy-Anne and we have another whose tongue was lopped off and passes out every thirty seconds.  

DAN RYAN: You have quite the dilemma, my friend.

JATT STARR: As exuberant as I am that you called the Ruler of Jattlantis “friend”, it is not lost on me that you have made it abundantly clear that you are unwilling to help me.

DAN RYAN: To be fair, it is your mess. 


The words hit the Baron of Boca Jatton like a slap to the face.  The HOW Hall of Famer covered his face and crouched forward letting out a guttural cry of frustration.  He stood back up and looked up at the ceiling of the Gainbridge Fieldhouse, letting out a long exhale.



DAN RYAN: Look, I have to run.  We’ll meet up this week, come up a strategy for next week, and see what’s what.  For now, you go deal with your nightmarish Starrlie’s Angels situation.

JATT STARR: Alright, alright.


The Thane of Starrkarth started to approach his tag team partner.


DAN RYAN: No hugs!

JATT STARR: You could use more hugs in your life.

DAN RYAN: I don’t need hugs.  You wanna hug someone?  Go hug your freaky sex slaves.

JATT STARR: Whoa!  I do not have sexual relations with these women.  I’m married.

DAN RYAN: I’m not judging!  Whatever rocks your socks, my man.  

JATT STARR: I don’t!


Without saying another word, Dan Ryan turned around and sauntered down the corridor.  Jatt Starr turned towards the door of the conference room, the PWA Tag Team Championship around his waist.  He was undecided on how to handle Ezster and Bela now that a Dan Ryan wedding was officially off the table. The Grand Overlord of Jatturn took a deep breath before entering the conference room.   Bela, as expected, was passed out on the floor, drool oozed from her mouth onto the beige carpeted floor.  Ezster had a mango-kale smoothie in her hand (a nourishing drink provided to her over thirty minutes before), she was sucking the contents through a straw between the stitches on her mouth, she was glaring at him.  Jatt Starr put on his phoniest of phony smiles and entered the room.  


JATT STARR: Good evening, ladies.  Or, “lady” as it were.


The Sovereign of Starrgentina looked down at Bela, sprawled out on the floor.  Jatt Starr bent down and carefully lifted the passed out young woman off the floor.  A slight grunt could be heard from the direction of Ezster.  Jatt Starr gently placed Bela atop the table.  The Earl of GlouStarr looked at the sleeping, twitching young woman on the table.   Jatt Starr felt for these women and, yes, there was a twinge of guilt for taking part in their situation, but he did save three for the cost of one…..well, two…..fucking Scott Hunter.   

The Marquis of MadagaStarr walked to the other side of the table, reached down, and pulled up his duffel bag.  From within his bag he retrieved an official “Jatt Starr: Rembrandt of Wrestling” t-shirt (on sale for $24.95) which he rolled up and put under Bela’s head in an effort to make her feel more comfortable.   Jatt Starr took a seat at the table and shifted his attention to Ezster who had not stopped staring at him.


JATT STARR: I honestly don’t know what to do with you.  You aren’t going back to the Hills Have Eyes Chainsaw Massacre House.  


Ezster silently stared at Jatt Starr, sucking on the straw, making zero effort to communicate with him.  It was mildly annoying to the Starrabian Knight but a thought occurred to him.




Ezster’s eyes narrowed and her head tilted before slowly nodding, almost condescendingly.




Ezster pointed to her ear with her free hand and then gave him a thumbs up.




Ezster responded by shaking her upward turned thumb.


JATT STARR: Oh. I am sorry about Csilla. She was really…she had a great personality. Rest assured, that sleazy, dunderhead Scott Hunter, will pay for that malicious misdeed and I will do whatever it takes, within reason, to get her back.The fact that he could do that, after everything you three have gone through?!  I will tear that festering pimple apart at the joints.


Ezster broke her visual contact from the HOW Hall of Famer to roll her eyes.  The Sheriff of Jattingham scowled at the young woman and shook his head.   He had been doing his best to hide his anger but he could not.


JATT STARR:  Not buying it, are you?  Fine.  You want to know what is so infuriating?  That he pulled that crap right from under my nose!  The fact that-that-that after everything I have done for him, Dan Ryan has zero appreciation for it.  I tell that bastard everything and he tells me nothing.  Is it wrong that I want to know a little bit about his life and his miserably failed marriage?!  Ungrateful prick.  His wife probably left him due to some form of erectile dysfunction, not that I would ever tell him that.  But what else am I supposed to think?  AND…that’s not all….I am Jatt Freaking Starr!  I am the PWA Co-World Champion!  Dan and I sent the Alabama Dunces back to whatever trailer park came from to mix their meth and moonshine cocktail and what do I get in return?  I get to face that fucking mediocre Bobbinette Carey and, yeah, she beat me, sure, but that is only because I underestimated the Queef of Epicness.  But then-then-then I get booked in a match, to defend MY PWA Co-World Championship against Rhys Townsend and less interesting Trent!   AND NOW?  A six man tag against Jace Parker Davidson, Bobbinette Fucking Carey AGAIN, and Conor Fuse, my son.  Is Lee Best getting dementia?  Does he not realize he is booking me three weeks in a row?  I am a member of the Final Alliance, dammit!  What happened to giving your people a fucking break?!?!  So yeah!  I think I have a right to be a little pissed off!  


Ezster could only shrug and shake her head letting Jatt know that she either has no idea what he is going on about or does not care in the least.  The Starrson City Icon let out a sigh.  He managed to get his anger out and there was a part of him that felt a weight lifted off of him (that was not to say that if he saw Scott Hunter he wouldn’t bash his face in with that weight). 


JATT STARR:  Wow.  Sorry.  That was a lot.  Look, we need to figure out what to do with you two.  Do you have anyone here you can stay with?  Anyone I can call?E


Ezster looked at Jatt Starr as if he were clinically insane and wearing a mask made with the skin of a hog, an elephant, and a leopard.


JATT STARR: Alright, alright!  Simmer down.  What about home?  Do you have any family in your homeland or elsewhere?


Ezster shot laser beam eyes at Jatt Starr and he could almost make out a tear forming in her left eye.  After a moment, she shook her head and looked away.  Jatt Starr swallowed hard as the moment became uncomfortable for him.  A thought popped in his head.


JATT STARR: What if I gave you a job?


Ezster had an uneasy look on her face.  Jatt Starr realized what she must have been thinking and he quickly waved his hands in the air as if he were swatting an army of mosquitoes.


JATT STARR: No!  NO!  Heaven’s NO!  Nothing like that!  I’d have to pay you under the table, not that you would need to do anything under the table or anything, we can figure out what you are capable of and what type of job I can offer.


Ezster pointed towards Bela who was still sleeping.


JATT STARR: What?  She’s useless!


Ezster furiously began pointing at Bela vehemently.


JATT STARR: Okay!  Fine! Let me think on it.


The Jattinum Stamdard leaned back in his chair as Ezster continued to slurp her smoothie as the scene comes to an end.