Smoke Signaling it in

Smoke Signaling it in

Posted on May 1, 2023 at 11:14 pm by Jatt Starr

The scene opens the HOTv Graphic before bringing the viewers to a podium with a 97Red backdrop with the HOW logo on it.  In front and center is a podium.  There is a young man standing behind the podium.  His pallid face is glistening with sweat under the lights.  His fire red hair is slicked back and he sports an ill fitting gray suit that is two sizes too large for him.  He stares at the papers in front of him before turning towards a camera to his right.  Someone on set is heard yelling “Wrong Camera!” and the young lad finally turns to the correct camera.  The young man clears his throat and begins reading.


YOUNG MAN:  Your normally scheduled broadcast of the HOTv original film “Just Say No: The Completely True and Unauthorized Biography of HOW Legend Narcotic” starring Starling White-Marquez, James Ranger, Kenya Beaute, and Willie Aames as “Lee Best” will return after this very important announcement from the Ruler of Jattlantis, the Duke of Jattmandu, the Scourge of Starrpathia, the Sovereign of Starrgentina, Jatt Starr.   Before we begin, allow me to introduce myself.  My name is Randolph Wellington the Third but that a stupid name so you can call me “Zippy….Fingerbum”.  


The young man now known as “Zippy Fingerbum” wipes the sweat from his forehead with his left hand and instinctively wipes it on his pants.  Zippy takes a deep breath and continues.


ZIPPY FINGERBUM:  I read recently that the Earth is seventy percent water and none of it is carbonated.  I guess that means the Earth really is flat.  Pause for laughter….Oh, I don’t think I was supposed to read that part. 


Zippy Fingerbum lets out a nervous, high pitched giggle before continuing to read.


ZIPPY FINGERBUM:  It is with deep regret that I, the Jattlantic City Idol and your Co-World Champion, could not be present in person to provide this statement but I did not want to.  Instead, let this pasty faced….virgin….I’m, uh, I’m not a virgin.  I have a girlfriend.  She is going to school in London.  I, uh, I don’t know why he, uh, he’d put that in here…..anyway….


Once white and pale is now as red as a fire engine.  He returns to the statement penned by the HOW Hall of Famer who paid him twenty dollars (although he wishes he had held out for more).


ZIPPY FINGERBUM:  Instead, let this pasty faced virgin be my voice.  I give you my word, he is not a member of the living dead.  I refuse to use the term “zombie” in this case because a zombie is typically a braindead automaton not necessarily recently  deceased although I could see how one would be confused as in the voodoo culture they would drug their unwitting victims with a neurotoxin that would mimic death but they would, in fact, only be “mostly dead” which would, in fact, conversely, mean they are a little bit alive.   


Zippy proceeds to wipe the sweat, which is now dripping off of the tip of his angular nose and onto the carefully crafted statement created by the Starrson City Icon himself, with the sleeve of his suit.  Zippy looks up and exhales as he smiles before he continues onward.


ZIPPY FINGERBUM:  The Mayor of ManJattan is absolutely livid that Lee Best would dare to book a match for the Hero of Jattlanta on the go home show.  And to add insult to injury, it is not even the main event!  It is an insult to the Co-World Champion!  This is an embarrassment!  So….um…. 


Zippy stares at the paper for what seems like an eternity, reluctant to read what is written.  He looks back towards the camera.  A pleading look on his face like a ten year old street urchin seeking some alms or perhaps some gruel as he is suffering from cholera as he is living in Victorian England and does not have access to medical strides that been made in the last two hundred or so years.


ZIPPY FINGERBUM:  I want it known and on the record that I, uh, I do not support anything written here.  I am just the messenger, okay?  


Zippy nods anxiously to everyone in the room as if expecting some form of reassurance.   The crew are professionals and therefore silent because they are live, dammit!   Zippy goes back to reading the statement.


ZIPPY FINGERBUM:  Lee Best must be blind again because this is clearly a mistake.  If he thinks for one bloody second that I am about to cut my much deserved honeymoon short just to take on some third rate nobody, well, I have a Black Mamba sized dildo that he can….fuck himself with….?


Zippy looks around with as much paranoia as a conspiracy theorist as if he is about to be smited by the G-O-D of the H-O-W with a bolt of lightning from beyond, which makes almost zero sense since they are indoors.  Although, the lighting fixtures could always short circuit…..


ZIPPY FINGERBUM:  I am Jatt Freaking Starr, dammit!  How many times do I have to mention the fact that I am the HOTv Co-World Champion before it sinks in?  I deserve to be treated with a little bit of respect.  Charles de Lacey?  Who the flip is that?  Is he even in the War Games match?  You know what?  It does not even matter.  He is not worthy of the Thane of Starrkarth’s time.  I am not just phoning this match in, I am carrier pigeoning it in!  Here are the things I will be doing instead of wasting one single brain cell on Charles de Lacey….

One: Make love to my ridiculously scorching hot wife.   

Two: Make my wife breakfast in bed after giving a nightlong ride on the Starrllite Sexpress – I am thinking egg white omelet with spinach, mushrooms, and bell peppers with a side of turkey bacon and a mango-pineapple smoothie.

Three:  Go shopping with Natalie.  I have seen her jewelry.  It is all department store trash.  Tiffany’s.  That’s the place.

Four:  Discuss Tyler’s clear attitude with me.  That kid is an asshole, pardon my French-Canadian.

Five:  Watch the Toronto Maple Leafs.  Natalie is a huge fan.  Rabid even.  It is kind of scay, actually.  After that Final Overtime Victory over the Tampa Bay Lightning sealing their first playoff series win in like forever, Natalie did things….that are probably best left in the bedroom….although these particular acts occurred in the living room….and the kitchen.

Six:  Schedule a time with Dan Ryan to go over some preliminary strategies for War Games because I do not give a librarian’s vagina about Charles de Lacy.

Seven:  Create several new inventive nicknames for Clay Turd and Bobbinette DingleCarey.  Those two suck.  Why did I get saddled on a team with these two fopdoodles?  How bad is my luck?

Eight:  Play “Skyrim”.  Maybe I will start a new game as a “Starrgonian” sneak-thief-archer?

Nine:  Make an appearance at the opening of a New ReeseMart outside of San Antonio.  

Ten:  Film a commercial for “Seamen Frozen Foods”.  I am not too thrilled about their tagline “Nothing Beats Some Seamen in your Mouth”.  There is something about it that gives me an almost “icky” feeling, I just cannot place it.

Eleven:  SPA DAY!  One of if not the top spa in the Toronto area.  I am hoping Dan Ryan accepts the invite because the wife already has a year membership, the platinum plan.

And finally, number twelve:  Introduce Natalie to Gilda.  I have not brought her around to visit my daughter yet.  Having your new wife meet your comatose daughter is kind of a big step, so I have been procrastinating on that.  That is a little too much information.  

I guess you might say, the point of this is, I really do not care about this match in the least and screw Lee Best for booking it and putting my body in danger.  I could pull a hamstring or tear a rotator cuff or break a finger and thus severely impede my chances of being the only A-plus list HOW Hall of Famer to win TWO War Games matches.  So, Charlie, maybe I will just go through the motions because I cannot be bothered with this match right now with so many more important things going on.  The competitive side of the Champion of Jattanooga apologizes for that and congratulates you for bringing your “A” game, but every other side says “Who gives a rat’s rectum?  It is a meaningless match.  He wins, Whoop-Dee-Doo, what is that going to do?  Nothing.  He, much like others before him, will not realize the boon it would be and fade away like so many others before him.  At the end of the day, he will not be walking out of ‘Chaos’ the HOTv Co-World Champion, so, who cares?”

So, in closing, Chuck.  Good luck but you seriously are not worth my time or energy.  Thank you.


Zippy looks up from the paper.


ZIPPY FINGERBUM:  That’s it.  Bye?


Zippy turns one way to exit the stage but realizes he is going the wrong and then turns around and walks off camera as the HOTv feed returns the Narcotic biography showing a bald Willie Aames calling Starling White-Marquez (the actor portaying the Hall of Famer Narcotic) a “fuckstick” and if he knows what’s good for him, his girlfriend will get another abortion because “kids will fuck his career up worse than co-fucking-caine and you will end up right back where I found you, slinging patties and cleaning shitty toilets at Bucky’s Burgers right off the interstate” to which Starling White-Marquez/Narcotic responds “It was White Castle, motherfucker”.   Not sure if any of that is completely true, but it must be, because it is in the title of the movie.