Silver Bells

Silver Bells

Posted on December 19, 2023 at 12:59 am by Jatt Starr



Bravo, Scott Stevens.  Bravo, I say!  Good for you, Scotty!  I mean that!  HOW World Champion!  And all you had to do was let Mike Best do all of the work and you swoop in and pin someone far less talented than you.  What am I saying?  That implies Darin Zion has some talent.  Look, the Ruler of Jattlantis has to give credit where credit is due.  You did it. I did not see it coming.  I fully expected Mike Best to do what he always does with you, rumor has it that he calls it a “Cosby”.  I have heard it explained as “knocking someone out and then bleeping them”.  I was personally offended when this vile comment was relayed back to me. I removed the obscenity, obviously, but I think you have enough intelligence to get the point.  But you won and in doing so, you inadvertently mucked up my plans, so, I have a bit of a bone to pick with you there.  

And the Jattlantic City Idol will get to that soon enough.

But first, I have to ponder what kind of champion you are.  I am not referring to whether or not you will be one of those take all comers, anytime, anyplace gentlemen or if you will be one of those types who defends the title only when contractually obligated.  I am more intrigued in after the adrenaline wheres off.  After the excitement subsides and you look at yourself in the mirror.  In my experience, there are only three reactions.  

Either you feel you have earned it.  Key word there is earned it.  I want to be clear here, because a lot of people tend to confuse “earn” with “deserve”.  I do not give a rat’s rectum on what you think you deserve.  The question is, do you feel that you have earned it?  I saw the match.  Mike Best kneed Darin Zion into next Christmas and then you sucker punched him in the knick knacks. Will you tell people that it was a hard fought victory?  You competed with heart and grit?  In other words, will you Bobbinette Carey this thing and convince yourself that you did, in fact, earn this victory? 

The second reaction is imposter syndrome.  No one thought you could do it.  No one thought you were good enough and deep down, you think maybe those naysayers are correct.  You are a fraud of a champion.  It disgusts you that bottom feeding parasite such as yourself could be a champion and you slowly begin hate yourself or, at the very least, begin to self-medicate to silence those thoughts or have sleazy trysts with diseased trollops just to feel something other than the self-loathing which would eventually be diverted towards everyone and anyone who isn’t you.  Friends, family, colleagues, random people in the street.  All because you know you are not good enough to be called a World Champion.

And then, there is the third reaction.  You admit that you were a little lucky in how everything transpired.  You took advantage of the situation.  You, unlike Darin Zion, saw an opportunity and refused to squander it.  Yeah, you took the cheap shot on Mike Best, but it was not like he did not deserve it.  He would have done the same to you. So what if you are no better than Mike Best?  You can live with that.  To be clear, i mean that from an emotional and philosophical comparison and by no means a comparison athletically, strategically, and technically in the ring.

It is a fascinating topic to ponder.  But I shant spend too much of my time delving into your warped psyche. Not unless you pay me a nickel.

That is a Charlie Brown reference.

Instead, in the spirit of Festivus, allow the Duke of Jattmandu to air a grievance. I had everything planned out.  Mike Best wins the match and retains the HOW World Championship.  Lee Best emerges from the curtain carrying the newly minted Ninety-Seven Red World Title, flanked by Dan Ryan and the Sultan of SeaJattle.  

Lee, before entering the ring and presenting Mike with the new championship, would give his insolent bastard one last opportunity to accept the Letterman’s jacket, but before Mike could respond, I would hook Dan Ryan’s arms, turn him around, and drive his head into the concrete floor.  

Why force Dan Ryan to sign over his PWA Co-World Championship when I could just take it?

Why give Dan Ryan, someone I considered my best friend, the excuse to turn on me during the triple threat match for HOW Championship when I could strike first?

Why risk the heartbreak?

It always stuck with me back in 2020, ironically, during the lead up to ICONIC, how Dan Ryan defined his relationship with Mike.  After running down how he crippled this guy and that guy, you were included in that diatribe of paralyzees, he called himself and Mike a “g-damn”, yes, I am censoring it a bit here, a “g-damn brotherhood”. 

“A brotherhood”. Fast-forward to a few weeks ago when Dan Ryan came out to offer Mike the jacket and Mike declined.  Dan had to clarify that he was saying no to Lee and not him. It was like-like-like he needed to make sure that their “brotherhood” was still strong.

I was never treated with that level of love and respect.  Mike probably knows all of the ins and outs of Dan Ryan’s divorce proceedings.  I still do not know if Dan likes sugar in his coffee.  I do not even know if he even drinks coffee!  

It was inevitable that they would have collaborated to eliminate me from that match.

I suffered through that degree of betrayal once with Sektor, I was not about to allow it to happen again, especially on what could be the last match of my career.

It must be nice not being adored and not having any friends.  You can live in ignorant bliss, not suffering the indignity of being a victim in such treachery.

Look, it is not my goal here to set you on a path of dark, emotionally crippling depression.  If anything, you should be seeking my gratitude because I eliminated a top contender from the match.  Instead of defending your championship against three people, you are defending it against two.

Mike Best and the newly crowned PWA Dual World Champion.

Of course, it should have just been the Rembrandt of Wrestling versus Mike Best.  But, it is what it is, as they say.  The Champion of Jattanooga has to accept that. No sense in tarrying about on circumstances that are out of my control.

I want you to consider something, Scott, old sport….

I have given you a gift, like a bolt from beyond….

The gift of opportunity.

The opportunity to earn the HOW World Championship around your waist.

Yes, you beat Darin Zion to win it.  Big whoop.  Everyone beats Darin Zion, well everyone not named Xander Azula, anyway.  Darin Zion gets beaten more times than the New York Giants offensive line.  Darin Zion gets beat more than a Dickensian street urchin.  Darin Zion gets beaten and whipped so much, it is shocking he was never an Egg Bandit.   There is no real legitimacy to your reign because Mike Best, as is his right, can say you only won because Darin Zion sucks so much.  You have the golden opportunity to harness all of the hatred and anger you have and focus it on Mike Best.

What does beating the Hero of Jattlanta accomplish?

By Mike Best’s own admission, the Jattinum Standard, the PWA Dual World Champion, is past his prime.  That-that-that I never had a real shot at winning the HOW World Championship since he arrived, since he-he-he usurped my role in the then Best Alliance.  Do you think beating me will garner you the respect of that douchebag fribble?  No. He will just continue to pound that drum that you did not beat him. 

Consider this some free advice….

Be angry.

Unleash that fury on Mike Best.

Think of every indiscretion, every disrespect, every ounce of slander….

Think of every dreadful insult…

Every abhorrent deed….

People still associate you with swallowing tampons.

Just think of all of the odious endeavors taken against you of which you have no knowledge.  Rumors, Scott!  I am speaking of the rumors!  And you know what they say about rumors: There is always a kernel of truth to them.  That, and a rumor is a fact that has not yet been proven.

According to my sources, who are all incredibly reliable, Mike Best had infiltrated a white supremecist group using your name and nominated himself as their grand high exalted leader.  By the way, you might be on some government lists because of that.

Mike Best has been known to hire heavily tattooed, one eyed male prostitutes whom he calls Scott Stevens and urinates on them. And then does not pay them.  And then allegedly gives them my name.

Mike Best also started an Anti-Taylor Swift campaign in your name.  I think that one is pretty self-explanatory.

Mike Best calls his turds Scott Stevens.

By the way, have you checked your credit card statements lately?  Have you noticed some strange charges on them?  Any penis pumps?  Subscriptions to horse-on-gilfs pornography sites?  Blue Chew orders?  Donations to the Children of Ota’Topeht? Arby’s?  Lululemon? Anything like that?  If an overweight Lithuanian woman with several facial warts shows up claiming to be your mail wife, you have an inkling how that happened.

The fact is, Mike Best will stop at nothing to humiliate and destroy you….probably in that order.

I think you know what you need to do.

In order to get the respect and adoration that I suspect you so desire, you need to defeat Mike Best.

Now, there is some more news that you might be interested in knowing.   I have petitioned the offices of Lee Best to include a very special stipulation for our epic match at ICONIC.  I have requested that Mike Best’s finisher “I Kneed a Hero”, a name that has Bonnie Tyler up at nights, barred from the match.  We both know without that knee, Mike Best is rendered impotent.  If approved, the only thing Mike Best won’t be able to his knees for anything except walking.  You are welcome.

The Grand Overlord of Jatturn is no fool.  

Do you honestly believe for one second that Mike Best is sitting in probably a very expensive massage chair with a mai tai in one hand and a mirror in the other and saying to his reflection “Gosh, Mike Best, you are one handsome devil and it is the absolute bee’s knees that Scott Stevens, that superawesome and tremendously talented took the HOW World Championship from me.  Bully for him.  He deserves it.  Doing it all with one eye, so brave.  I should call papa and have him declare December Eleventh Scott Stevens Day in perpetuity.”  Heck no! He is plotting as I speak.

Make no mistake, even as the HOW World Champion, Scotty Boy, you have everything to lose and he knows it.  If you give Mike even the smallest ounce of rope, he will hang you with it.  I can almost guarantee that he is having wet dreams fantasizing about the ways he will make you suffer.  Trust me, my…I mean, your only path to victory is to cripple Mike Best.

And you might be wondering why is the immensely talented PWA Dual World Champion, the Sovereign of Starrgentina, outlining a way for you to come out of ICONIC victorious.  Maybe I am in the Christmas spirit and just want to give back to the less handsome and talented.  Well the truth is, my contract is up after ICONIC.  If the Rembrandt of Wrestling cannot walk out of ICONIC the HOW World Champion, it is a better outcome if the lesser of the two evils does.  Do not get me wrong, I do not like you.  With that one eye of yours, you look like a tatted up penis.  You are a C-list Hall of Famer.  But, and this is the biggest compliment that I can stomach to say, at least you are not Mike Best.

So, enjoy the moment.  Do whatever it is you Texans do, slaughter some buffalo and barbecue them, watch the Cowboys, go to strip clubs, buy yourself a gigantic belt buckle to overcompensate for your lack of manhood, whatever it is, but you had better come to ICONIC ready because if you don’t, you have no chance, and believe you me, I am much smarter than you and I am in no way ashamed to admit this, if you leave an opening, even the smallest of cracks, Mike Best will capitalize on it and you will be just a three week champion.  

And if good ol’ Mikey doesn’t?  If Mike is off his game or blinded by his own embarrassment in losing the HOW World Championship to a chowderhead such as you?

You better damn well believe that the Ruler of Jattlantis will and I will make sure that when Chaos Fifty-Four rolls around, there will be a grand coronation.  The story will be the HOW’s greatest Hall of Famer single-handedly defeated arguably the best wrestler and biggest douchewaffle in the history of the HOW and the HOW’s biggest fluke and loser. 

Trust me, there will be balloons, pyrotechnics, dancers, a full on bleeping parade, Lee Best standing in the middle of the ring ready to give me the biggest hug he has ever given…. all at Mikey’s expense….and yours.