:::SCENE: Early Sunday morning. According to the clock on the dashboard of the StarrSek Enterprise, it is 2:27 am. Jatt Starr is sitting in the driver seat listening to and singing along with “I Want It That Way” by the Backstreet Boys. The Ruler of Jattlantis has the overhead light on, a notebook leaning against the steering wheel, and a pen in his hand.
The StarrSek Enterprise is in the parking of the diner across the street from ‘Tapped Out”, the bar he was not so respectively asked to leave. One might say “forcibly”. After two shots of Jose Cuervo, two Budweisers, and three Jack and Cokes, the Ruler of Jattlantis had gotten the nerve up to sing, in front of Sektor, the coeds Sektor was flirting with, and the other drunken patrons of the bar. Unfortunately for the Starrabian Knight, The Greenbacks (a Green Day and Nickelback cover band) took offense to his attempting to hijack the stage.
For Jatt Starr, when the urge to sing Billy Joel’s “Piano Man” acapella, he does it. Otherwise, it becomes a single festering thought that consumes him. It will not escape his mind until it is done. Clearly, The Greenplay Project are NOT fans of Billy Joel. Sitting here, in the car, while Sektor is in the bar, it occurs to the Sovereign of Starrgentna, that maybe he should not have kicked the lead singer in the groin. But what was he supposed to do? When a thirtysomething lead singer threatens to “fuck you up if you don’t get off his stage” and calls you a “shiteater”, you kick him in the testicles and you spit in his face.
The four roided out bouncers that dragged him out of the bar, however, you don’t. You just leave lest you leave with a broken nose.
That was twenty-three minutes ago.
Tonight was to be a celebration for StarrSek Industries. The Egg Bandits were proven to be obsolete. Sektor made the pin, making a successful return to the HOW. The Undefeatable duo of Jatt Starr and Sektor earned a Tag Team Title shot. It was a great night.
The King of Grapple from the Big Apple is in the van listening to 90’s pop music and Sektor is drinking his weight in liquor while trying to get into the pants of a coed bimbo.
Sektor deserves to have his fun. He really doesn’t need Jatt Starr as his wingman.
Besides, Sektor has the week off. The Jattsylvanian Count, however, has a match against a newcomer, Kevin Capone next week. Kevin Capone. Thoughts fill his head such as:
“Does Kevin Capone pay his taxes?”
“How ironic will it be for a Capone to compete at Rumble at the Rock?”
“Is he related to Al?”
“And why did Paul Simon want people to call him Al? Was the song about Al Capone?”
“Why didn’t I listen to the lyrics?”
“Is Paul Simon obsolete? Or just that song?”
“Maybe only Garfunkel is obsolete, or because it is Simon AND Garfunkel, does that—-”
The sound jolts the Ruler of Jattlantis from his perplexing thoughts and his pad slides to the floor.
Sektor is standing outside the window donning a bright, neon orange shirt, grinning drunkenly though his glorious moustache. Sektor motions to Jatt Starr to roll down the window. Naturally, the Baron of Boca Jatton turns off the radio and obliges his tag team partner with a flip of the switch, the window slides down inside the door.:::::
SEKTOR: That was fucked up what happened to you.
JATT STARR: i know!
SEKTOR: Look, I got these two hotties here…
:::Sektor points to two young, gorgeous twentysomething ladies. The blonde is wearing a plunging top, the brunette is wearing a tight black top, also low cut accentuating her amble breasts.:::
SEKTOR: I’d hate to do this to you….
JATT STARR: You want me to keep one of them company while—
SEKTOR: No. Gina, the blonde, says you kinda look like her dad….
:::Jatt Starr’s eyes narrow, his lip purse and he glares angrily at Gina, who looks over at the brunette and they begin chatting and giggling amongst themselves. The Jatt-i Master is offended by the comment. He looks back at Sektor.:::
SEKTOR: ….and I don’t want her to get weirded out, so if you could just, you know, “amscray” and give me the use of the van for a bit….
::::Sektor’s eyes dart toward the back of the van. Towards the double bed. Jatt Starr reluctantly looks that way and frustratedly sighs.:::
SEKTOR: You’re the man.
::::The Marquis of MadagaStarr opens the door and gets out of the van.::::
JATT STARR: Just burn the sheets, duvay, pillows, and mattress when you’re done. I’m not sleeping where you fornicate. So, what then, I guess I am entertaining the brunette…?
SEKTOR: Jessie? Hell no, she tied a cherry stem with her tongue. Jatt, they both want to party with the “Seks Machine”. Ah fuck, I’ve been spending too much time with you. See? I’m giving myself nicknames. I fucking need this, man.
::::Jatt Starr pats Sektor on the shoulder and forces a halfhearted smile, hiding his disappointment that his Brochacho is ditching him for two chicks who may or may not have a sexually transmitted disease. That will be Sektor’s problem after tonight.::::
JATT STARR: Who am I to stand in the way of true lust? Have at it.
SEKTOR: I owe you one!
::::Sektor slams Jatt Starr on the back, the force causing the Earl of GlouStarr to stumble forward a bit. But that could also be the alcohol in his system.:::
SEKTOR: Come on ladies!!! We have tequila and whiskey!!!
::::Sektor leads the ladies into the van and closes the door and rolls up the window. In that moment, Jatt Starr realizes he left his pad and cell phone in the StarrSek Enterprise::::
JATT STARR: Damn it!
::::The King of Grapple from the Big Apple staggers drunkenly towards the diner as the StarrSek Enterprise begins to rock behind him. He pushes the door. Nothing. He tries again, nothing. He begins muttering to himself. Suddenly, the door opens towards him. A middle aged man wearing a Ford trucker cap.::::
MAN: It’s a pull, genius.
:::The man in the Ford trucker cap walks past the Starrabian Knight towards a white Fiat in the parking lot.:::
JATT STARR (in a mocking tone): “It’s a pull, genius.” Nice clown car.
::::Jatt Starr walks into the diner. It is cleaner than he expected considering it’s open twenty-four hours. A large Greek gentleman, at least Jatt Starr assumes he’s Greek based on the nametag reading “Milos”.::::
MILOS: Welcome! Table, booth, or counter?
JATT STARR: Booth.
::::Milos, the heavyset host/manager/owner/whatever leads him to a booth. He passes a drunken couple drinking coffee. He passes a woman dressed like the Green Hornet who is heading out the door, dragging another woman dressed as Kato. The Ruler of Jattlantis is seated and handed a menu thicker than “Crime and Punishment”.::::
MILOS: Your waitress will come shortly. Enjoy!
::::Jatt Starr looks out the window. The StarrSek Enterprise is a-rockin’ stil. He glances over and sees the Green Hornet and Kato making out next to a Jeep Liberty parked in front of the diner. So as not to be labeled as a peeping tom, he turns away and notices a the mini jukebox on the table, attached to the wall, in front of the window. A slight smile crosses his face. The Waitress appears at his table. She is in her thirties, probably looking older than she should. Her auburn hair is back in a ponytail, her face is freckled, and she is wearing light blue horn-rimmed glasses giving her the look of a stern librarian. Her nametag reads “Megan”.:::
MEGAN: What can I get ya?
JATT STARR: Two coffees. No decaf. Half and half.
MEGAN: Shall I take the menu?
JATT STARR: Leave it. Just in case.
MEGAN: Be right back with your coffee.
:::Jatt Starr notices several tables have been pushed together. It looks as if it had seated eleven but only five remain. Each of the patrons are dressed in costume. There is man dressed as Supergirl. There’s a Catwoman. A very short, stocky Joker. A Green Lantern. A man clearly attempting to pull off Black Widow. And finally, Robin. Catwoman catches the Mayor of ManJattan staring over at their table and he looks up and around like a dog being brought home from the shelter for the first time, head in the air, inspecting the environment (without the sniffing and the urge to mark his territory). The waitress returns with the coffee and a small saucer containing several containers of half and half..:::
JATT STARR: Thank you. Oh! What’s the deal with the costumes?
MEGAN: Oh, every month the bar down the street does a costume contest.
JATT STARR: The one across the street?
MEGAN: No, I said DOWN the street. Not ACROSS the street. The gay bar. Not the dive bar.
JATT STARR: Sorry. Maybe had a couple too many.
::::Jatt Starr prepares his coffees. One Half and Half container and five sugar packets in each cup. He sips it. The sweet from the sugar overpowers the taste of the coffee, but there is still a hint of bitterness lingering. Jatt Starr turns his attention to the small jukebox and he flips the selections all the way to the beginning. “Journey”, “Foreigner”, “Cake”, “KC and the Sunshine Band”, “Gladys Knight and Pips”, “Britney Spears”, “Frankie Valli and The Four Seasons”, “Frank Sinatra”.:::
VOICE: Gay or straight?
::::Jatt Starr jerks forward in surprise and turns to see The Green Lantern in full costume, with blue eyes behind the mask and slicked back black hair.:::
JATT STARR: Huh? What?
GREEN LANTERN: Gay or straight?
JATT STARR: I don’t under—
GREEN LANTERN: We noticed you looking over at our table and we have a little wager. Gay or straight.
JATT STARR: Straight.
GREEN LANTERN: Really?
JATT STARR: Yes.
GREEN LANTERN: Honey, you had me fooled. That hair and those pants?
::::Jatt Starr subconsciously runs his hand through his blonde hair and looks down at his white pants.::::
JATT STARR: What’s wrong with my—-
::::The HOW Classic looks back up and sees the Green Lantern returning to the table.::::
JATT STARR: Okay then.
::::Jatt Starr sips his coffee and resumes looking at the jukebox catalogue, hitting the arrow button which flips to the next artist and album. He stops and stares at the selection for “Starship”.:::
VOICE: This seat taken?
::::The Thane of Starrkarth’s head swivels to discover the five feet six inch frame of Catwoman (although she’s probably about five feet four inches tall without the heels). The outfit showing off her figure. The cat mask, which is completely wrong for this particular costume covers her entire face with the exception of her chin and red lips.:::
JATT STARR: Um…
:::::Jatt Starr, having a moment of social anxiety, lacking the ability to speak waves her into the booth.::::
CATWOMAN: Two cups of coffee?
JATT STARR: I always order two. Sometimes I finish before the server comes back.
::::Catwoman theatrically brings her hand to the side of her head and taps her left temple twice.::::
CATWOMAN: Smart cookie.
JATT STARR: Um…thanks?
CATWOMAN: So,, what, Blaine, seems to be preoccupying your mind?
JATT STARR: Chad?
CATWOMAN: You look and dress like a Blaine. Or a Chet.
JATT STARR: It’s Ja—, Simon.
CATWOMAN: You don’t look like a Simon.
JATT STARR: Sorry to disappoint.
CATWOMAN: What’s on your mind, Simon?
JATT STARR: Kevin Capone.
CATWOMAN: Which is it? Simon or Kevin.
JATT STARR: My name is Simon. I was thinking of Kevin.
CATWOMAN: Is your way of blowing me off?
JATT STARR: Pardon?
CATWOMAN: Are you hinting that you maybe you should be wearing this costume?
JATT STARR: Huh?
CATWOMAN: Harry, the Green Lantern, mentioned you were straight.
JATT STARR: I am straight.
CATWOMAN: So, who’s Kevin Capone?
JATT STARR: Exactly.
JATT STARR: Who is Kevin Capone?
CATWOMAN: I don’t know.
JATT STARR: Neither do I.
CATWOMAN: What is this an Abbott and Costello routine?
JATT STARR: No, what I was pondering before you showed up was the difference between being obscure and being obsolete.
CATWOMAN: While looking at Starship.
JATT STARR: Yes.
CATWOMAN; I actually thought I was sobering up before I came over here. Now, I’m not so sure.
JATT STARR: Okay, in order to be obscure, something would have to be supremely popular and just fade away, right?
JATT STARR: Wrong?
JATT STARR: I think that’s extreme.
CATWOMAN: Fine. Partially wrong, but continue.
JATT STARR: There would be—. How am I partially wrong?
CATWOMAN: There’s also obscurity in things that might never have been popular but had a small following.
JATT STARR: Fair point. In any case, for something to be obsolete, it would be something that is no longer of use.
JATT STARR: And that brings up my Kevin Capone conundrum.
CATWOMAN: You’re a very strange man.
JATT STARR: Look at this jukebox. Every single one of these singers and bands are basically timeless.
CATWOMAN: Even Starship?
JATT STARR: Especially Starship. There’s Billy Joel, Billie Holliday, Frankie Valli and the Four Seasons, Britney Spears, Caline Dion—
::::The Catwoman makes a hissing sound at the mention of Celine Dion.:::
JATT STARR: I’m not saying everyone has to be a fan of all music. But these jukeboxes are here for a reason. People are putting money in them to listen to some of these songs. Music is timeless. A song can come on the radio and you’re transported back to a memory associated with that song. These are artists and singers that have amassed a large fanbase. But do you know who is not in this little jukebox machine?
CATWOMAN: Cat Stevens.
JATT STARR: Well, no, she’s not in here. But she falls into the timeless—
JATT STARR: Are you going to keep doing that?
:::Jatt Starr stifles back a smile.::::
JATT STARR: The Jump N The Saddle Band.
CATWOMAN: I have no idea who they are.
JATT STARR: They are band—
CATWOMAN: You don’t say!
JATT STARR: Thet’re a band—-
CATWOMAN: Which has already been established.
JATT STARR: Are you going to let me finish?
CATWOMAN: Can I have that coffee?
JATT STARR: Sure.
CATWOMAN: Then you won’t here a purr from me.
::::Catwoman playfully looks at the King of Grapple from the Big Apple takes a sip of the coffee.:::
JATT STARR: The Jump N The Saddle—
::::Catwoman disgustedly spits the coffee back into the coffee cup.:::
CATWOMAN: It’s lukewarm and sweet!
JATT STARR: I’m not drinking that.
::::The Starrabian Knight sips his own lukewarm and sweet coffee. As the waitress comes by. He places his cup down and she tops him off.::::
CATWOMAN: May I please have another cup? He ruined it by piling a cane field’s worth of sugar into this cup.
MEGAN: Sure thing.
CATWOMAN; You were saying.
JATT STARR: You just ordered yourself a cup of coffee on my tab.
CATWOMAN: The Jump N The Saddle Band!
JATT STARR: Yes, well, they’re a band from right here in Chicago, that found some mild success in the eighties with a song called “The Curly Shuffle”. It was a tribute song to the Three Stooges. It was their only hit. They maintained a level of popularity in Chicago, but today, no one knows who they are, hence, they’re obscure.
CATWOMAN: You know I’m gonna look that up tonight. Well, later today.
JATT STARR: Now, earlier tonight, I was at a bar where a cover band was playing. They sucked and they will never even achieve the level of obscurity celebrated by The Jump N The Saddle Band.
CATWOMAN: You don’t know that.
JATT STARR: They’re a Green Day and Nickelback cover band.
CATWOMAN: Oh, they fucking suck.
JATT STARR: Exactly.
::::Megan the Waitress returns with a hot cup of joe for Catwoman. Catwoman proceeds to put one half-half and one sugar in her coffee.:;;:
JATT STARR: So, who is Kevin Capone? Is he a Whitney Houston? Is he a flash in the pan, a one hit wonder who will fade into obscurity? Or is he a Nickelback cover band, destined to suck for eternity?
::::Catwoman sips her coffee and looks expectantly at Jatt Starr, waiting for the answer.::::
CATWOMAN: Which is he?
JATT STARR: I don’t know.
CATWOMAN: That’s anticlimactic.
JATT STARR: He’s my opponent next week. High Octane Wrestling. The HOW! So, facing me, he will end up on the path of Nickelback cover bands.
CATWOMAN: Oh, you wrestle.
JATT STARR: You didn’t know?
CATWOMAN: You look more like you could be a dentist.
JATT STARR: Ouch.
CATWOMAN: OH MY GOD!
:::The sudden outburst from Catwoman causes Jatt Starr to hit the back of the booth.:::
CATWOMAN: Hermey! You look like Hermey from Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer.
JATT STARR (sarcastically): That’s not insulting at all…..
CATWOMAN: I love Hermey. He has a dream and he goes for it!
JATT STARR: Well, all I can really say about you is that you prefer Julie Newmar.
CATWOMAN: She was a purrrrr-fect Catwoman.
JATT STARR: The mask is incorrect, though.
::::Just as a quick interlude to those that might be interested, the StarrSek Enterprise is still rocking in the background.:::
CATWOMAN: C’est la vie. Do you have fifty cents?
JATT STARR: What?
CATWOMAN: Hermey, trust me. It’s fifty cents.
::::The King of Grapple pulls out his wallet and rips open the velcro from his wallet and unzips where he keeps the change and pulls out two quarters.::::
CATWOMAN: A velcro wallet? You are full of surprises. Not great surprises, but surprises.
::::Jatt Starr, with an almost amused look on his face watches her black leathered fingers take the quarters and insert them into the coin slot.:::
CATWOMAN; No peeking….
::::The Jatt-i Master looks away from her fingers and to the masked profile of Catwoman, wondering to himself what she might look like beneath her cowl. She has finished her selecting her song and his green eyes lock with her amber eyes.:::::
CATWOMAN: This way, whenever you hear this song, you will always think of this moment.
::::Catwoman smiles at Jatt Starr who is starting to register that maybe Catwoman is flirting with him and his face begins to get redder than a fire truck. Then. Starship’s “Nothing’s Gonna Stop Us Now” plays through the jukebox speaker. They take a moment, sharing the silence as the music plays. The Marquis of MadagaStarr opens his mouth to say something when Harry, the Green Lantern shows up.:::
GREEN LANTERN: We’ve settled up.
CATWOMAN: Oh. I’ll be out in a minute, Harry.
GREEN LANTERN: Alright, make it quick. Scotty wants to get home and you know him, bitch, bitch, moan.
CATWOMAN: I just met him tonight.
GREEN LANTERN: He still bitches and moans, girl. I’ll be outside.
::::Jatt Starr watches as the Green Lantern, Robin, and the Joker head towards the door.:::
CATWOMAN: Well, Hermey, he’s my ride.
JATT STARR: Can I, uh, you know, get your number?
::::Catwoman caresses his hand and looks at him.::::
CATWOMAN: Tell you what, you win your little match next week, I will meet you right here. Say one-ish?
JATT STARR: It’s a….I’ll be here.
::::Catwoman gets up and starts towards the door.:::
JATT STARR: Wait! I don’t even know your name.
CATWOMAN: Elsa. Elsa Bannister.
JATT STARR: See you next week, Elsa. Elsa Bannister.
:::::Elsa Bannister starts heading out the door. Jatt Starr picks up his cup and smiles a wide Cheshire Cat smile and takes a sip. He turns towards the window in hopes to glimpse Catwoman, instead a harsh reality sets in as he sees the StarrSek Enterprise continues it’s a-rockin’ and since he’s not going to go a-knockin’, he hopes Sektor wraps up his little party soon. He takes another sip of coffee as the song and scene ends.:::::