♫ Scotty doesn’t know that Fiona and me
Do it in my van every Sunday
She tells him she’s in church but she doesn’t go
Still she’s on her knees and Scotty doesn’t know
Oh, Scotty doesn’t know oh… ♫
So get this…
My buds are in, shuffle is on, and this oh four stinker pops up. Why’s it in my library? I like Eurotrip, that’s why. First instinct is to skip, but I don’t. Why? It’s kind of catchy. It also holds the answer to a mystery as old as time…
Why is Scottywood filled with so much HATE.
This little number was the combination needed to break into Scotty’s dark vault of secrets. Now, it’s my obligation to enlighten you, the High Octane Universe while simultaneously emancipating one, Scott Woodson from his demons.
You see, Scotty had a Fiona. Who knows what her name actually was, but for lyrical continuity, we’ll stick with Fiona. That cold hearted floozy must’ve gotten bored with Woody and his, if I were to guess, delicate, clingy personality. So she fucked other dudes.
I mean, A LOT of dudes.
This shattered young Scotty’s brittle, but pure heart. Unfortunately, Scotty being of weak mind and character, allowed HATE to overtake him. HATE being nothing more than an emotion, we can conclude he went full on emotional.
Otherwise known as ‘Emo’. Gross.
He dyed his hair with red packets of Kool-Aid. He fashioned lip rings out of paperclips. His mollycoddling mother scribbled on his arms with permanent marker. Scotty shed his skin like a snake, abandoning his low self esteem with it. In turn, he adopted an ‘edgier’ exterior, moderate self esteem shining through. This event has come to be known as the birth of the ‘Hardcore Artist’. A man never to be hurt again.
Except by himself, of course. Super healthy, I know…
Hey! Don’t you look down your nose. I’m not here to judge, and neither should you. People handle shit differently. My Fiona is now my step mom. Fucked up, right? Sure, I didn’t turn into a whiny, self-entitled bitch, but that’s beside the point. I did what normal, heartbroken men do. I made pornos.
A much healthier choice. Well, more fun at least…
Anyways, Scotty rode this persona to glory. He filled that empty cavity in his chest. Championships were captured, records were set, and a seat in the Hall of Fame earned. Good for you. You really showed that hussy what’s what.
Here’s the problem: she didn’t give a fuck. And your new love, High Octane? She don’t give a fuck anymore. You’ve just been too busy being ‘hardcore’ and all to realize she’s fucking everyone else.
I HATE being that guy, I swear. I take no enjoyment in telling you this. Scouts honour. Hurts, I know, but let’s explore the opposite end of the spectrum this time. After all…
You’re in your forties.
Grow the fuck up. Ditch the dreads, they’re not cool, they’re stupid. Rinse out the chemicals and get a haircut. Your face piercings look infected. That’s what happens when you neglect to clean them. Goto a physician, for the love of GOD. You walk amongst the HOW corporate world. Present yourself as such, for fuck sakes. It’s a scary prospect, I know, but necessary.
Trust me. I’m here to help. Teddy Palmer. The Great Liberator.
Let me free you from the shackles of your shitty existence. Let me help you move forward, and stop spinning your tires in the past. And all I need of you is to enter that cage as the best version of the ‘Hardcore Artist’ you can put together
I’m begging you. Motherfucker.
Cause I’m gonna make that cage a fuckin’ prison. I’m gonna show you that hardcore is more than a drunken tirade. It won’t take long for you to realize the mistake you made signing up for this tournament. Whether I knock your fuckin’ block off, or force you beyond your pain threshold, there is a common denominator between the two…
You’re gonna quit.
Big words, I know. And from me of all people. Weird, right? I caution you though, please don’t be fooled by my fun loving, devil-may-care personality. It would be very dangerous for you to do so.
I almost feel bad I have to HATE fuck your career.
But you’ll thank me later.
♫ Scotty will know
Scotty has to know
Scotty’s gotta know
Gonna tell Scotty
Gonna tell him myself… ♫