Science sure comes in HANDY

Science sure comes in HANDY

Posted on December 23, 2021 at 11:46 pm by Mario Maurako

A red, white, and green, Italian flag themed Buggati Veyron makes its way down some side streets in the Charlestown neighborhood of Boston Massachusetts. It abruptly pulls into a parking space and the door swings open and out steps ‘Marvelous’ Mario Maurako sporting an all black suit, shirt, and tie combination. He takes a deep breath and then starts walking up the sidewalk to the front of the First Church of Charlestown. Mario approaches the door to the church and stops and takes another deep breath.

 

Mario Maurako: Here we go.

 

Mario exhales and then pulls the big metal door and enters the church. Before he can even get his bearings, he sees the casket belonging to the mother of his long time friend Steve MacKinnon. Not really prepared for this moment yet and having nobody in front of him Mario hesitantly steps up to the casket.

 

Mario Maurako: Oh, Mom.

 

Mario shakes his head in disbelief. A hand being placed on his shoulder distracts him and Mario already knows what awaits him. He slowly turns around to see Silver Cyanide aka Steve MacKinnon and Paul Paras standing side by side. There is a brief pause, like the world is standing still waiting to see what happens next, as these three individuals have not been together since the fateful match where Mario had his heart attack. Cyanide and Mario then break down and embrace in a hug as Paul stands off to the side. They break and Mario faces the casket again.

 

Steve MacKinnon: She looks good.

 

Mario Maurako: Yeah.

 

The three old friends stand in silence reflecting over the good times, not so much the bad. Mrs. MacKinnon had affectionately been referred to as the second Mom to the members of Perfectly Marvelous. When the former HOW Tag Team Champions had originally met Steve and the rest of the MacKinnon family, she was so welcoming to them. Always greeting them with warm loving hugs and taking care of them like they were an extension of her own family. To the surprise of virtually nobody, she gave those hugs out like she was the cake lady at fat camp, and seconds were welcomed.

 

Finally, Mario walks away, eyeing the picture board. Looking at the photos of yesteryear and happy moments with other lost relatives, Mario’s sadness turns to a feeling of relief and happiness. The thought of how happy Mrs. MacKinnon is, somewhere out there, is quite refreshing and suddenly things don’t seem quite so bad. That’s when Mario spots the confessional down the hall. Mario glances around and sees that everyone is busy mingling and then he makes a beeline for the confessional. Upon arrival Mario swiftly enters and closes the door behind him without being seen.

 

Mario Maurako: Forgive me father. It has been…

 

Mario pauses trying to do some conversion math in his head. He starts holding up fingers, first on his right hand and then on his left hand.

 

Priest: Son?

 

Mario Maurako: One second, almost there.

 

Mario looks down at his feet as if contemplating whether or not he wanted to take his shoes off.

 

Mario Maurako: 4,589 days! Give or take. Since my last confession.

 

Priest: So it has been a while. So you must have something weighing pretty heavy on your mind.

 

Mario shifts in his seat uncomfortably.

 

Mario Maurako: Father, I was raised to respect everyone regardless of their race, gender, whatever. You know, the golden rule. I was raised to treat others the way I wanted to be treated. Somewhere along the way that all got off track. I had some marital issues and things went south. Way south. I used to think that I saw my ex in every single woman I came across. I painted them all broadly with the same paint brush, like each and every one of them had personally wronged me like she had. 

 

Mario pauses allowing the weight of his confession to lift off of his chest.

 

Mario Maurako: There was this Bobbinette Carey woman who came into my life while all this was going on. She took the brunt of my anger. Hence the aforementioned issue about seeing my ex in everyone.

 

Priest: Yeah, that is not good.

 

Mario Maurako: No shit sherlock.

 

Mario winces.

 

Mario Maurako: Sorry father. But as I was saying. Then I changed, and I realized what was going on and I’ve tried to atone for my shortcomings. Only to realize that I was really wrong again. I don’t hate women. I just hate Bobbinette Carey. She is everything that she preaches against. She wants to sit there and say that I’m toxic and I’ve done all of these horrible things, however she is guilty of the same exact things. She hates men. Period. 

 

Priest: Do you feel responsible for that?

Mario’s face contorts to a look of confusion.

 

Mario Maurako: No, that sounds like crazy talk. This girl complains about men holding women down but she is the biggest offender of that very thing. If you don’t believe me just mention Kirsta Lewis or Lindsay Troy around her. Yeesh, it gets ugly and of course is never her own fault.

 

Priest: These other women, was she a mentor to them?

 

Mario laughs at the idea of Bobbinette helping anyone.

 

Mario Maurako: Hell no. Some would say that this will sound funny coming from my mouth, but Bobbinette Carey does not care about anyone except for herself. She doesn’t care about equality. She cares about e-care-ity. As long as she is put top bill, promoted as the top female, whatever the case may be. It’s ludicrous for her to make complaints about anyone else holding women back. My dad always taught me that you don’t complain about issues. You have to be part of the solution.

 

Priest: That is a good lesson he taught you.

 

Mario pauses briefly in reflection.

 

Mario Maurako: Yeah I suppose it is. But now check this out. You know that age old trick women used like 30 years ago to trick dudes to stay with them?

 

Priest: The old “I’m pregnant” gag?

 

Mario Maurako: That is the one! Well Carey was not clever enough to try it eleven years ago and so now she is claiming this mutant kid of hers is allegedly mine and going to carry on the Maurako Family name.

 

Mario laughs hysterically, much to the confusion of the Priest.

 

Priest: Why is that funny?

 

Mario tries to regain his composure but still is laughing while he speaks.

 

Mario Maurako: Because you… actually have to have sex…. To get someone pregnant. 

 

Priest: Well that makes sense. 

 

Mario Maurako: That’s not even the crazy part!

 

Mario regains his composure.

Priest: There’s more?

 

Mario Maurako: Oh yeah! She is claiming she got pregnant off of a handjob while I was unconscious six years ago. Do you know how ludicrous that is? You scientifically have a better chance of getting pregnant off of a toilet seat or from a hot tub.

 

Priest: Aren’t those methods impossible?

 

Mario Maurako: Improbable. Not Impossible. Impossible is jerking someone off, and keeping the semen alive long enough to get in the back and then shove that shit up your vajayjay… sorry father… OH… and be ovulating! About the same odds as the Detroit Lions have of going to the Super Bowl after already being mathematically eliminated. I suppose every other team in the NFL could perish except for the Lions and the Texans and they could square off in the Super Bowl.

 

Mario shrugs.

 

Mario Maurako: What’s even funnier is she is completely oblivious to the Maurako Family make-up. She thinks this demon spawn will be the only Maurako left if she were to take care of Mosé and myself; the Legacy my family built is all hers. There is still my brother Martino, my half brother Vincenzo, my cousin Romano, my Uncle Savino, my father Matteo and my precious daughter Maddelena. We are Italian Catholics, we multiply like rabbits!

 

Priest: Sounds like she still suffers from some of that amnesia.

 

Mario pauses and his eyebrows wrinkle as his eyes narrow.

 

Mario Maurako: How do you know about the amnesia thing? I didn’t say anything about amnesia?

 

Priest: You didn’t? Are you sure? I could have sworn you did.

 

Mario Maurako: Who are you?

 

Priest: I am the all powerful Oz! 

 

Mario gets up and exits the confessional and grabs the other door and attempts to open it but it is being held on the other side.

 

Priest: Ignore the man behind the door!

 

Tired of the games Mario yanks on the door with all his might and it opens up revealing the 88 year old patriarch of the Maurako Family, Matteo. 

 

Mario Maurako: Dad? What in the World are you doing here in Boston? Why are you posing as a priest in a confessional?

 

Matteo Maurako: I agree, I think she is making the whole thing up to try to drag this thing out for eternity.

 

Mario stares blankly at his father.

 

Matteo Maurako: Was that stuff about Hot Tubs and Toilet Seats true? If it was, you might have a lot more brothers and sisters we don’t know about.

 

Mario bites his bottom lip and shakes his head.

 

Mario Maurako: Highly improbable Dad. Seriously though, did Martino or Mosé bring you? You shouldn’t be traveling this far by yourself.

 

The organ from inside the church starts to play and Matteo smiles slyly.

 

Matteo Maurako: I think you’re going to be late to the funeral, son.

 

Mario Maurako: This isn’t over.

 

Matteo Maurako: Yes it is.

 

Mario rushes off back down the hall toward the church as Matteo gleefully waves farewell. As Mario nears the chapel Steve waves him over to join him in the processional along with Paul. He wants to hesitate but he doesn’t and he joins them in line. The real Priest, who had been off getting ready for a funeral obviously, escorts the group into the chapel and Steve, Mario, and Paul take their seats in the front row.

 

Mario Maurako: Hey, did you guys know my Dad was here?

 

Paul Paras: Yeah, I brought him.

 

Mario looks puzzled.

 

Mario Maurako: You. Brought him?

 

Paul Paras: Yes. I. Brought him.

 

Mario’s mind begins to run in crazy circles trying to figure out why Paras, who he has not spoken to in two years, would be driving, or flying the Patriarch of The Maurako Family across the country. He tries to let it go. But he just cannot.

 

Mario Maurako: Okay. Why?

 

Paul Paras: He wanted to come, and he said you have been so busy he can never get ahold of you anymore.

 

Mario Maurako: That’s not true-

 

Mario stops and thinks, he had been so busy building an empire that he did not even recognize that he had not socialized with his own father in quite some time. Especially these past few months as Mario had been flying all over the states and also England making business deals and having autograph signings.

 

Mario Maurako: Okay, well thanks for bringing him.

 

Mario pauses.

 

Mario Maurako: You’re going to bring him back home right? Because I’ve got to catch a plane to London.

 

Paul Paras: What is in London?

 

And just like that Mario was caught. He knew he had better just rip the bandaid off as Paras had known him too long and knew when Mario was not being truthful.

 

Priest: Let us pray.

 

Mario hoped that the interruption would cause Paras to forget about his inquiry. He also knew that it was more likely that Bobbinette Carey could get pregnant from a hand job on the 9th of Never-ary than it was that Paras would forget or let it slide.

 

Priest: Amen.

 

The organ starts to play a hymn as the conversation picks right back up where it left off.

 

Paul Paras: So, what is in London? And before you answer Big Ben or the Tower of London, let’s skip to the truth.

 

Foiled.

 

Mario Maurako: I have signed a new contract with HOW. I’m fighting Bobbinette Carey again at ICONIC and I have limited dates in 2022.

 

Steve looks over at Paras and holds out his hand.

 

Steve MacKinnon: You owe me $100. I told you he couldn’t stay retired.

 

Mario Maurako: Wait, you guys had a bet on my retirement?

 

Paul Paras: Well, I thought you were either going to die or never be cleared to wrestle again.

 

Paras digs into his pocket and removes a $100 bill and slaps it into the hands of Steve MacKinnon.

 

Mario Maurako: So, I know this might not be the right time to have this conversation but we are all right here and you know what they say? There’s no time like the present.

 

Steve MacKinnon: I knew we just couldn’t make it through this could we?

 

Mario Maurako: You know how we promised that if we did a certain thing, that we would need a certain amount of blessings from a certain amount of people?

 

Steve & Paul roll their eyes simultaneously as they instantly know what Mario is up to.

 

Steve MacKinnon: You know I don’t care. You have my blessing, but I’m out.

 

Paul Paras looks at Steve and then looks back at Mario. 

 

Paul Paras: I’m with Steve. You want my blessing, you’ve got it. But don’t ask me for anything beyond that.

 

Mario Maurako: What about taking Matteo back home?

 

Paul shakes his head in disgust.

 

Paul Paras: I’ll take him home.

 

Steve, Mario and Paul all begin singing the hymn without missing a beat, as we fade out.