Rick Rolled Pt 2

Rick Rolled Pt 2

Posted on March 10, 2023 at 11:39 pm by Darin Zion


You understand the gravitas of our March 2 Glory match.  No, seriously kid..it’s not clicking with you.  I saw you whipping out a textbook third grade insult to start off our promo series.  You could barely stand the sight of me when we teamed and you’re stringing that shit together as your sorry excuse this time?   You decided to stand in front of the world and tell them you couldn’t perform YOUR JOB to the best of your abilities because I made your little tummy sick?!

I don’t know how your father raised you.  But mine taught me to take a sense of pride in what I do.  He taught me to always put my best foot forward.  He made sure to discipline me when I put in a half-assed effort.  It’s why I’ve been a perfectionist my entire career.  Anytime I fail—it weighs heavily on my mind.  It drives me to obsess over my goals like a mad man.   It’s like I get lost in my own little world.

Hell, it’s why I created a custom-made trophy when I became the January Wrestler of the Month.  HOW’s a lot like my childhood for me.  You don’t get a chance to fuck around and have fun.  You’ve got to bust your ass to make the MACHINE money.  It’s your first and only priority.

Except…I’ve got to put in double to triple the effort for some reason.  Lee said it himself on radio—he didn’t even want to make an official announcement that I won the WOTM award.  Lee only started wanting to produce a trophy after I made mine.  I’m sure Lee didn’t want to plaster my face all over the Chaos banners either.  Shit the bastard is giving the EVIL EMPEROR Joe Bergman publicity over me.  That says a LOT to the Workhorse of Love right there.

It’s never enough that I won the ICON TITLE on 3 separate occasions.  It’s never enough I’ve held the HOW Tag Team Titles the same number of times.  Even that one short LSD Title reign doesn’t equate to anything.  Nor does that Hall of Fame nomination a couple years ago.  Even wrestlers forget I’ve won a War Games match in the Great War against Boredomwalk Wrestling.

It’s a constant battle that grinds on my gears—Xander.  I work my hardest, show up every week.  Lee has spent the last 4 years abusing me to the point I wrestled 3 weeks on, 1 week off.  I’d put in promos, produce, wrestle, do PWA appearance the whole 9 years.  No recognition whatsoever.  It’s always FUCK YOU ZION.  BAN YOU ZION!

Even after I’ve drowned in all the shit stacking, I put in more effort than the wrestlers I get constantly battle.  Everyone always compares me to Hollywood, Xander, Scottywood, Carey, but never once am I recognized for being the only Darin Zion—someone and something unique to the culture of this great machine.  I move storyline along and put 100% of my heart and soul into this game.

And you know what pisses me off kid?  You!

You do jackshit every week and everyone wants to rant and rave about how amazing you are and how you deserve title shot after title shot. They line up telling me you’re a team player.  But where’s the news posts?  Where’s the segments?  Where’s the effort when you’re chasing down HOW’s work horse championship on the way to March 2 Glory…

It’s non-existent!

Maybe you don’t feel like it.  Maybe it’s an outside distraction.  I don’t know kid.  You make me wonder half the time. 


But long story short—you don’t know what the LSD Championship means to you.  You don’t know what it means to each one of those HOW wrestlers in the backstage area.  To Hollywood—it means opportunity.  To the late Scottywood—it meant unleashing your inner most demons.  For Jace—it’s a springboard to great opportunities.  The LSD Championship is a championship that can define careers.

Yet here you stand, meandering around—spouting off worthless shit like politicians do.  You fail to realize you’re about to step into war with me because this is my opportunity to break the glass ceiling.  It’s my chance to erase all the stigma I’ve earned over the last four years.  It’s my biggest break to prove to the world I’m not one of these roller coasters wrestlers with many ebbs and flows with nothing to gain.

This contendership match is my LIFE BLOOD right now.  It’s means everything to me.  And I won’t let you, Hollywood, or any other wrestler steal my damn joy any longer here in HOW.

I’ve sat back for nearly 10 years hoping someone would hand me opportunities.  I prayed many sleepless nights that I’d get lucky like you.  All it did was make me an utter disappointment to all my peers.

It took me 10 long years to realize the mistake holding me back was myself.  Now I’ve unlocked my greatest potential.  I may not be the flashiest wrestler or the best wrestler.  But I’m the one with a helluva lot of damn heart and fight in him.  I found my niche.

It’s because HOW made me find my confidence and LOVE myself after all those years.’  Xander I won’t let you hold me back this time.  I won’t let you steal MY opportunity and MY joy away from me.  I worked my damn ass off to build this journey.  The clock’s ticking and I can’t afford another setback in this journey.

I’m going to make my statement with you, buddy.  You’re the first wrestler I’m going to mow down unmercilessly like the rest of HOW did to me all those years ago.  I’m going to steamroll you and make you a faint memory of the past.  I’m going to eradicate the stains you left all over REAL LOVE’S illustrious career.  I don’t need cheap pops to make Lee happy.  I don’t need to throw a silly Man U reference to make Lee hard.

I gotta continue my body count, Xanatos.  You’re about to learn your not important to my life.  This is many years build—it means nothing to me, buddy.  You’re another groupie.  You’re some nameless broad that jocks use to increase their numbers and inflate their fragile egos.  You’re the ugly stepsister bros use to get revenge against their girlfriends.  A simple body to up the count until the main event.

You’re a smoke fight—giving me preparation for the final battle.  The final boss!  The ultimate encounter where I make or break my career—where I break through the glass ceiling or not.

You wanna make this some dramatic break up story—Xander.  But truth is—I buried your ass 6 feet below in the LSD Championship Tournament.  You just happened to cross my path after failing to learn that damn lesson the last time.

You want to defeat me—out work me.  Give more heart than that shitty effort.  Don’t pull back those punches Xander.  Because when I get to England—this simple wrestling match turns into a violent LaCross match.  I’m about to give you some much needed TOUGH LOVE Xander and make you realize the world you live in isn’t a bunch of sunshine and rainbows.

No—you take what you want and do it ANY MEANS NECESSARY.  You leave that trail of blood, sweat, tears, and friends.

And that’s what TOUGH LOVE’S gonna do.  I’m gonna make this story go full circle.  Xander, you’re now MY SACRIFICE to the altar of the LSD Championship.  And trust me, I will take great pleasure in leaving your bloody carcass in England to earn my chance at redemption.”


The PRETTY PINK Express© is road bound with the Love Convoy in tow.  This PRETTY PINK ®bus is decked with hearts, lips, neon lights.  And the best part—the interior is a mash up of purple, red, and PRETTY PINK©. It’s the perfect hang out for all 4 PRIME musketeers of LOOOOOVE.

Best of all—Vickie didn’t pinch any pennies to spoil her men.  Ms. Hall bought only the LOUDEST speakers, the DEEPEST BASS, and the best part of all….


You guessed it—the loudest horn money could buy.  Dodging weaving through the busy Houston traffic—The Matriarch of LOOOOVE ™stuck her head out the window and yelled at all the passing traffic.


While Vickie kept chastising the Houston citizen’s about their driving and lack of respect of the Love Convoy ©–the speakers kept drowning out Vickie’s annoying shrills.  TCG and JCH danced around like crazy men draped in PRETTY PINK© boas.  Both men goofing around and slacking off before the busy weekend ahead of them.  Tristian grabbed a microphone while Jonathan-Christopher cranked up the volume to 9000.   The Village People echo throughout the bus while both men sang in unison.

♪ It’s fun to stay at the Y-M-C-A!

It’s fun to stay at the Y-M-C-AAAAA! ♪

Both The Nuzzle Lord and Mr. Hall kept doing the dance moves while Zion sat in the back—rolling his eyes.  Fumbling through his phone—he kept noticing missed calls from Jackson trying to get ahold of him the past few days.  Zion couldn’t bare to see what sad shape his half-brother had become.

The hardest working member of Zion’s family became a vegetable—one who couldn’t keep simple life up at the farm and provide.  Deep down—it angered TOUGH LOVE to see what fate had done to his brother.  Letting out a deep sigh, Zion flipped through Amazon looking for gifts.

Tristian-Cripin Gladhappy:  Come on, Dare-Bear!  Join in on the chorus!  Live a little…

TCG shoves the microphone straight into Zion’s face, but Zion wrestles it away from Triss.  REAL LOVE™ slams the microphone down on the table with authority.


Vickie Hall:  Hey!  I spent nearly $10K on that pink microphone alone guys.  Do NOOOOOOT break these gifts.  I swear to REAL GOD, NOT FAKE IDOL HOW GOD I’ll throw whoever breaks the microphone out of this moving bus myself.

Her Bae-Bear Jonathan-Christopher quakes in place, blowing off his precious wife.  Regaining some order, MC JC-Hall slides into the booth next to his BFF-4EVEVEV™.  Resting his arm against Zion’s shoulders—the ring leader of love massages Zion’s massive LOVE GUNS™.

Jonathan-Christopher Hall: Chillax man!  Only 2 more days until you squash that roach known as Xanta Aeropostale….

Tristian-Crispin Gladhappy:  Xero Analbead?

Jonathan-Christopher Hall:  Xany Antics?!  AY—YOOOOOO!!

Darin Zion;  GUYS!  KNOCK IT OFF!

Darin crosses his arms and buries his head in the table.  Letting out a massive deep breath—The Work Horse of Love® grumbles under his breath for a minute.  REAL LOVE can feel the weight of the world on his shoulders.  Darin reaches over for the (normal) pink Zevia can—taking a swig.  Zion stares out the window—watching the towering oak trees in the background—pondering his life right now.


Out of the corner of his eyes—Jonathan notices Zion rolling his eyes again.

Jonathan-Christopher Hall:  The #LOVESTILLDOMINATES Heavyweight Championship still gotcha down…

Tristian-Crispin Gladhappy:  Come on Zi—lets all just..

JC pushes Tristian out of the bus seat and shoos him away.  As Zion keeps rubbing his face, little droplets rush down his face.

Darin Zion:  It’s a lot more than that man—Jackson’s not doing too hot.  I’m trying to keep my mind distracted from it all, but it’s not working.  All I want to do is dive nose first into pumping some iron or scheming and dreaming that LSD Championship match.  It’ll solve everything…

Jonathan-Christopher Hall:  Will it?  Or is it a distraction from the true problems?

Darin Zion:  Maybe a little of both…

Jonathan-Christopher pulls Zion in for a forced hug.  TOUGH LOVE™ flails around a bit before JC pats the former LSD Champion on the back a couple times.

Jonathan-Christopher Hall:  There…there…tell The Love Doctor ® all about your problems.

Zion punches JC in the chest gently, letting out a small snicker under his breath.

Darin Zion:  STAHP, JC!  STAHP!  I don’t need that shit right now. I wanna get the plans down for when we get to England.

Jonathan-Christopher Hall:  YOU…CANNOT…RESIST…OUR….LOOOOOOOOOOVE!  TOUGH LOVE™ can wait.  Let’s be DOWN AND DIRTY LOVE©.

Darin Zion:  HEHE! Stop, dork.  I wanna…

Jonathan-Christopher Hall:  THE LOVE MACHINE ™ does not compute…does not compute…

Begrudgingly Zion rips the microphone off the counter.  Leaping up from his seat, REAL LOVE joins in the chorus with Tristian-Crispin Gladhappy.  Both men continue to sing “Staying Alive”

♪ Ah!  Ah!  Ah!  Ah!  Stayin’ alive!  Stayin’ alive.



It’s midnight and the PRETTY PINK © LED lights glow so bright—they can make your eyes bleed—of course not like magenta makes your eyes bleed.  But enough to be less annoying that Bobbinette Carey’s favorite color.

Covered in the pink and black zebra stripped blanket—the Star-Crossed Lovers Jonathan-Christopher and Vickie Hall lay in their LOVE BED (surprisingly NOT trademarked) all sprawled out after a lot of LOOOOOOOVE.  TCG is totally driving the bus out to the Dallas-Fort Worth Airport like the chad he is.

The Nuzzle Lord still has the replica of Rocky’s mask dawned over his forehead.  It’s almost like Triss made a weird connect to the mask.  While it weirded Zion out—Darin inched his way closer towards the front of the bus.  TCG and DFZ didn’t ever spend time making a lot of connections with each other.  Darin only spent a lot of time on his own in the group—a loner.  At first, he despised Vickie and JCH adding the newbie to their LOVE CONVOY™.

But as time passed—Zion felt drawn to the 23-year old Sacramento native.  Tonight is the night Darin would try to open toward TCG.  As Zion slid a moveable black chair towards the drivers seat—Tristian quickly responded to Zion—almost like he could read REAL LOVE’s mind.

Tristian-Crispin Gladhappy:  You’re worried you’ll choke against Xander Azula at March 2 Glory—aren’t you?!

Darin Zion:  Um….how did you know?

Tristian-Crispin Gladhappy:  The Nuzzle Lord has his ways, bro.  The Nuzzle Lord always connects with Scorpios like yourself.  It’s like an inner gossip network.

Darin Zion:  It’s not like my PPV record tells my story better than I can…ESPECIALLY when there’s a title shot on the line.  It’s like my destiny to choke every time.

Tristian immediately moves his hands like an elegant director, instructing Zion to do some breathing exercises.

Tristian-Crispin Gladhappy: Breath in—breathe out.  Remember those positive affirmations JC taught you, bro.  YOU WILL DO THIS!  YOU WILL BECOME THE 4EVER #LOVESTILLDOMINATES Heavyweight Champion.  No one can stop YOU—TOUGH LOVE!  You have all the capability in the world to do this.

Darin rolls his eyes at the young wiper snapper before fumbling through his phone.  Darin completes a quick order for his brother Jackson and family before turning his attention back to TCG.  As Zion breathes…

Tristian-Crispin Gladhappy:  Seriously Zi-guy…don’t worry about that virgin Xander.  Rumor has it little Xandy hasn’t moved out of his mother’s basement.  Dude is seriously acting like one of those loser cosplay twatwaffles.  I’m sure mom and dad still clean his underwear like a total Karen.  It’s totally sus this man still gots the feels for you, fam.

Darin’s eyes almost bulge from his head.

Darin Zion:  Seriously bro—this connection is sus itself.  It’s like you KNOW me.

Tristian-Crispin Gladhappy:  It’s the mask man—totes made lots of connections studying RDL this week.

Zion rubs his hands together, laying out some juicy deets to his new BFF.

Darin Zion:  Like totes expect Xandy-kins to wet the bed when he sees what we got in store for him.  Betcha he runs home and cries to mommy for a new diaper.

Tristian-Crispin Gladhappy:  BET!  I expect the so-called Fighter to run home after losing and beg mommy and daddy for a new Jon “Bones’ Jones toy.  Bet Xander will try to channel that fighter’s career to become the next GOAT of ass kicking…

Darin Zion: Naw, bro…betcha Xander changes his gimmick.  Instead of a Supernatural follower of Iris—he becomes a dancing cat.  He’ll realize he’s got better chances at becoming a meme that way.

Tristian-Crispin Gladhappy:  Trust me, man—there’s already a community of Xander memes. He’s a failure to his god and his parents too.  Not many people can fail on THAT level, fam.

Both Darin Zion and Xander stay up while driving—sharing gossip as the scene fades to black.


The PRETTY PINK EXPRESS™ pulls up to the DFW airport—next stop England.  Darin Zion is flustered—flinging all his supplies from his suitcase around like crazy.  Thoughts swirl around REAL LOVE’S™ scattered brain.

“I thought I ordered the damn tickets for the crew.   Where are their passports?  Seriously, did everything fall apart with all the distractions right now?”

As Darin continued to panic, the great Love Guru Jonathan-Christopher taps his BFF on the shoulder with a gentle touch.  Zion’s head flails around the scene with fright, darting left to right.  REAL LOVE could barely focus for a split-second.  Finally Jonathan-Christopher squishes his big hands against the face of TOUGH LOVE™.  He pops Zion’s neck off to the side—focusing him right on JC’s gorgeous face.

Jonathan-Christopher Hall:  Got a surprise for ya—future champ.

Swiveling Zion’s face to the right—Darin’s eyes light up with intensity.  Tears roll down the gentle, warm cheeks of REAL LOVE when his eyes connected with his little nephew.  Easton Thakker comes barreling down the sidewalk before wrapping his tiny arms around his Uncle’s legs.  REAL LOVE™ picks up, swings, and spins his young nephew around before giving him a Bear Hug and tickling the kid.

Easton Thakker:  Uncle Darin?

Darin Zion:  Yes, Eas?

Easton Thakker:  I WUFFFFFFF YOU!

Both Darin and Eas give each other a big tight hug, much to the approval of his mother Gina.  The perplexed Zion raises his eyebrow in confusion.  His eyes turn towards JCH…no.   Next his eyes focus on TCG…nope.  Both guys shake their head.  Zion’s eyes lock onto Vickie Hall’s.

Darin Zion:  You did this?

Vickie Hall:  Thought it might be fun for Easton and Gina to have an escape out to England this weekend.  Figured it would clear their heads and help keep you’re in the game.

Darin Zion:  Thank you Vickie.  I know it’s been a long last few weeks…

Vickie Hall immediately sticks her finger straight to REAL LOVE’s mouth.  Her eyes burn with a heated intensity.  Vickie continues to scold Zion.

Vickie Hall:  Don’t get soft on me TOUGH LOVE™ you’re the muscle in this group.  You flatten Xander and you punch your ticket to Jace Parker Davidson—then we’ll talk.

Darin Zion:  Glory, Glory…

Vickie Hall:  And none of that soccer bullshit that makes Lee Best’s nuts tingle.  Keep growing and strengthening that new damn spine of yours.

Vickie winks at Darin before REAL LOVE gives her a huge hug.  The Love Convoy gather around and share one last GROUP HUG with Zion’s family before they board the plane.

Darin Zion:  Now to show England what the POWER OF LOVE™ will do.

Zion kneels down towards his little nephew and looks him straight in the eyes.

Darin Zion:  My little buddy, Easton.  I vow I’ll win the number 1 contendership this time.  Not only for you—but your daddy too.  I know it’s been tough these last few weeks, bud.  But Uncle Darin promises to man up to his word.  First I’m going to take down Xander Azula—full stop.  I’ll make sure the ring crew can’t scrape any remains off the mat this time.

Zion shakes his fists.

Darin Zion:  Then—I’ll end Jace Parker Davidson.  Not only for me, but you and your dad too.  I’ll get that money.  I’ll do whatever it takes to keep your dad healthy.  I’ll do whatever it takes to feed you and your mommy too.  I’ll win that LSD Championship and use the money where it matters the most—helping you guys out in a time of need.   You understand buddy?

Easton nods before running over to his mothers ankles and cowering behind them.  Everyone laughs as Zion grabs his bags.  The Hunt was on and there’s no way that Xander will escape the Power of Love.