It was a fair but windy day in Chicago, but they didn’t call this place the windy city for nothing. Personally, it’s been weeks since I’ve gotten to step inside of the ring for a wrestling match. It’s been too long since I had my moment in Miami, Florida in front of my home crowd. The main event where I beat Tyler Adrian Best to become the new and final HOW ICON Champion lived rent free inside of my head.
It was a moment that I wouldn’t forget until my dying breath.
But that was then, and this is now. And right now, I found myself inside of the TEN-X wrestling facility to get in some much-needed training before Sunday night. I would be stepping into a tag team match on the Chaos 010 event live from Cleveland, Ohio. I would be teaming for the first time with the current HOTv Champion GREAT SCOTT. The one and only sponsored athlete of STRONKUMMS LLC. The man that is absolutely addicted to Liquid STRONKUMMS.
Insert Dave Chapelle crack GIF here. Yeah, that’s JERBOI right now.
We would be going up against the odd couple team of Conor Fuse and the current #1 contender to #97red Steve Harrison. It would be easy, really EASY to sit back and not take these two seriously as a team. I mean they both practically hate each other. One blames the other for ducking them in a one-on-one match. Just look at how they slung mud at each other heading into War Games earlier this year. Considering the fact that my HOW LSD Championship belt would be on the line here in Chicago on Chaos 011 against who knows at this point. It would be wise to just save as much of myself for the important match.
But that is not my style.
I’m not in my rookie year here in HOW anymore. I’m not just flying by the seat of my pants on my journey through the best wrestling promotion on the planet. I’m back and better than ever. I’m the 2021 Wrestler of the Year and now every single match that I have is THE important match. Admittedly, the few weeks off were nice, but I was stiff and kind of rigid in the ring due to inactivity. I had to work my way through that until I felt like I was loose and ready to put in the really hard training.
And that really hard training was interrupted by the faint sound of STRONKER coming from my gym bag on the ring apron. I sighed before making my way over towards the ropes. I ducked through the ropes and retrieved the phone from my bag. The screen displayed the name ‘Devin Skylar’ as the caller. I thumbed over the accept call button and raised the phone up to my ear.
“Hello?” I said politely as I could.
“We got whatever it is you’re wanting us to transport to Minnesota, but you didn’t tell us it would be this much!” Devin’s voice on the other end of the phone echoed out.
“You got all of it, correct? If you left even a little bit of that shipment I will unalive you.” I barked into the phone.
“Chill man, we got all of it. I was going to have to tie Samantha to the roof of the truck, but she somehow squeezed her way inside.” Devin said with a hint of sarcasm in his voice.
The sound of skin meeting skin in a violent fashion can be heard. Knowing these two like I know them, I’m almost positive that Devin’s sister Samantha just slapped him across the arm or maybe the face. I hope it was the face.
“You could have just left her there if it meant getting every bit of that shipment to Minnesota safe and sound. I would have made sure she found a way home.” I said reassuringly.
“Yeah, you mean right at home inside of your bed. I know what kind of person you are.” The tone in Devin’s voice was not a happy one.
“I’d like to inform you that all of my carnal desires are being quite taken care of at the moment. I have a very lovely… well… doesn’t matter what the label is as long as we’re around each other and enjoying our time together. Your sister would be quite safe in my presence.” I leaned my elbow onto the turnbuckle beside me.
“Still not happening, I’ve seen some of the places you’ve been.” Devin said defensively before changing the subject. “By the way, what exactly are we shipping for you? The people we got it from were very armed, dangerous, and angry.”
I bobbed my head back and forth in silence trying to decide if I should answer that question or lie about it.
“Oh, nothing major, honestly. It’s just a metric fuckton of premium cocaine.” I calmly stated.
“WHAT?!” Devin shouts as the sound of screeching tires follows.
“Oh, don’t be so dramatic. It’s 2022, you should not be that shocked or offended by a little cocaine.” I scoffed.
“A LITTLE? You consider a metric fuckton of cocaine to be a little?! I nearly ran right off the road due to the simple fact you just so casually decided to slip in that we’re hauling cocaine for you!” Devin argues passionately.
“But did you die?” I replied, because Ken Jeong rules.
“Do you realize that Samantha and I could be arrested and thrown in prison for a long, long time? We just came out of retirement to wrestle again and I’m way too pretty of a man to be locked in prison with other men who are sexually frustrated.” Devin whines.
“While I’m super impressed that not only did you come out of retirement, but you convinced your sister to do the same thing. If you both wanted contracts in HOW, all you had to do was ask.” I moved my arm from the turnbuckle and checked out my fingernails.
“No way that Samantha or I are ready to come straight out of retirement right into a place like HOW. We want to take this nice and slow while we work our way back into form.” Devin pauses for a moment then begins shouting again. “STOP TRYING TO CHANGE THE SUBJECT!!!”
I shook my head side to side as I rubbed my fingernails across the shirt I was wearing.
“Don’t fucking complain. You were just fine when you didn’t know you were transporting cocaine. Just play it cool and everything will be fine.” I narrowed my eyebrows as I spoke.
“I DO NOT WANT TO GO TO JAIL. I DO NOT WANT SAMANTHA TO GO TO JAIL. WE JUST WANT TO WRESTLE AND YOU’RE TRYING TO RUIN IT BEFORE IT EVEN BEGINS.” Devin talked loudly and slowly into the phone.
“First off, you both don’t even have a company to wrestle in yet.” I rolled my eyes.
“Yes, we do!” Devin said in a tone full of denial.
“How much did you sign for?” I inquired.
“Well, we haven’t exactly… I mean we’ve agreed on… we’re just waiting to hear back and… it’s fucking complicated, alright?!” Devin stammered.
“Exactly, and secondly even if I quote unquote ruin your big comeback to professional wrestling doesn’t mean you’ll both be left high and dry. You’re both practically employees of STRONKUMMS LLC so, you’re welcome.” I turned around and paced around the ring a bit.
An audible groan can be heard on the other end of the phone followed by silence. After a few moments Devin finally speaks up.
“So, now after all this success you’ve regained as a wrestler, you’ve developed a coke addiction? I’m not surprised really, given who you work for, but still, you should know better.” Devin lectures.
“That cocaine isn’t for me! Well, technically yes, it is for me, but not for my personal use. It’s the secret ingredient in Liquid STRONKUMMS. Stuff has been flying off the shelves and my partner GREAT SCOTT gets REALLY annoying if he doesn’t get his daily fix.” I should feel bad about that but I don’t.
“Wait, why are you putting cocaine into an energy drink?” The confusion in Devin’s voice was unmistakable.
“Technically, it’s not an energy drink. And also, there are steroids in it. It’s a mixture of lethal doses of steroids and cocaine neatly masked by a massive amount of questionable meat.” I said confidently.
“And why are you feeding this to human beings? Especially people you consider friends.” Devin’s voice was judgmental, and I didn’t like it.
“I give it to GREAT SCOTT because it’s better than paying him massive amounts of money to be STRONKUMMS LLC’s sponsored athlete. He gets paid in Liquid STRONKUMMS and he likes it that way. Also, putting steroids and cocaine in it helps him, and others, get swole and really fucking energetic. What better partner to have against Conor Fuse and Steve Harrison than a roid raging, self-proclaimed Megastar, who has a high as fuck motor because he’s hooked on cocaine and doesn’t know it? Go ahead, tell me, I’ll wait.” I was getting weird looks from people inside of the TEN-X facility, but they knew better than to get involved.
There was silence once again on the other end of the phone as Devin mulled over an answer, but another sigh was heard.
“I’m stumped and I’m just going to pretend like anything you’ve told me in this conversation never happened. So, where exactly in Minnesota are we delivering this stuff?” Devin reluctantly accepted his mission.
“I can’t tell you that, exactly. When you’re in Minnesota, just call that number that I gave you. That person’s name is Shelley Greene, and he will lead you to the secret STRONKUMMS manufacturing plant.” I confided.
“Secret?” Devin sounded skeptical.
“Of course, secret. Do you think we’d make that location available to the public? We don’t need health inspectors or the FDA and FBI investigating what exactly is in STRONKUMMS and Liquid STRONKUMMS. But whatever you do, do not let Shelley Greene sample ANY of the cocaine.” I explained in simple terms.
“Isn’t that guy’s name like Ahmed Choppy or Chewy… wait, Choi! That’s the one.” The sound of fingers snapping can be heard.
“His name is Shelley Greene and I refuse to listen to any of his nonsense about how it isn’t. Like I said, do not allow him anywhere near the cocaine.” I demanded.
“Can I sample some of the coke? I mean, it’s the least you can do!” Devin said in a hopeful tone.
“Fine, but only a small amount. Just get it all there in one piece and don’t even let Shelley take a deep breath around my cocaine. But I really need to train for this match coming up, so just let me know when you get there and that my shipment is safe.” I didn’t give Devin a chance to respond because I pressed the end call button.
I placed the phone back into my gym bag before taking a moment to loosen up again. I turned to everyone training inside of the facility and invited them to step inside of the ring with me one by one. I knew Conor was a highflyer, but it was Harrison that I was focused on today. How do you tackle Steve Harrison? You take out his knees. Is it cheap and over done? Yes, yes, it is. However, it’s not like that bitch hasn’t tried to break my neck all over again any given time that we’ve been in the ring together. But when it comes to Harrison, you’ve got to go by the K.I.S.S. method.
Keep. It. Simple. Stupid.
Harrison has a history of knee problems and if he has a bad wheel then he can’t stand. If he can’t stand then he can’t suplex. He also can’t hit a knee strike to the back of the head but more importantly he can’t hit the Harricle.
Jesus, what a stupid fucking name.
The fact that this man was handpicked to wrestle for the HOW World Championship belt at Rumble at the Rock is fucking sad. While I agree that each and every member of The Highwaymen should be behind bars, I don’t think rewarding them with title shots makes for good business. One by one, I attack each student that dares steps inside of the ring with me. I put on figure fours, knee bars, Boston crabs, kneebreakers, dropkicks to knees, along with just straight slamming them into the canvas repeatedly. I managed to mow through each and every single student while imagining that they were Steve Harrison in the flesh.
After about an hour and a half I stood in the middle of the ring looking down at all the limping and defeated fucks that refused to step up for a second round.
“No one else? I wrestled two title matches in one night, but you fuckers are one and done?” I was disgusted by their pathetic attitude.
“Try me on for size.” Rang out the voice of a female who stepped through the ropes.
I turned my head and laid my eyes on a woman with the biggest, massive, most muscular legs that I had ever seen in my life. They rivaled STRONK’s legs and dare I say, maybe even surpassed them. It’s like this woman took an entire store’s stock of Liquid STRONKUMMS and injected them straight into her thighs and calves.
Note to self: Come up with an injectable version of STRONKUMMS under the guise of medication. Maybe like an insulin pen full of nearly rotten meat and steroids.
I shook my head and filed that idea away for later before looking this woman up and down. It seemed like her legs were literally pulsating in anticipation. Her upper half was nowhere as swole as her bottom half but when you got legs like that, who cared about the upper body? They say thick thighs save lives, but those thighs? They were fucking murderers. Who was this woman you ask?
Mind your fucking business. Time and a place for names and origins.
“My knees and legs are more suited for proper training.” The woman said sternly.
I couldn’t form words but just nodded my head in agreement. I rolled my neck, cracking it on each side before deciding to do battle with Lady Legasus.
Conor Fumes & Dairy Jesus.
Yes, I stole those names from GREAT SCOTT, and I have no shame about that because they are fucking on point when it comes to the two of you.
Boy, I can’t wait for the two of you to suddenly, for no reason at all, put your differences aside just to work together as a team for one goddamn tag team match. Professional wrestling is funny like that. Some people just decide to do things that don’t make any fucking sense at all.
I mean take Steve Harrison.
He decided to leave The Best Alliance once it imploded, then turned a new leaf and pretended to be a ‘Good Guy’ to all the idiots out there. Steve Harrison joined The Highwaymen for reasons no one even knows. Oh, wait… it’s because he, Solex, and Byrd were all friends back when The Best Alliance was still around.
Smart move, Miracle Mayo.
Jump over to the losing side because of ‘Friendship’ and go down on the sinking ship known as The Highwaymen. How is that working out for you? You won the HOW LSD Championship belt for five minutes then lost it. You won the HOTv World Tag Team Championship belts and your little group is about to lose those also. How does it make you feel that your ‘Friend’ Steve Solex is dropping the ball and doing his best to make sure that The Highwaymen have no titles at all in your stable?
Does it remind you of when John Sektor and Jatt Starr did the same exact thing to you last year at War Games?
I bet it does.
Chin up Milk of Magnesia, you’re the #1 contender to the World title at RATR. You get to FINALLY main event an HOW PPV all by your little self. You’re going to lose that too by the way. Just like Clay Byrd lost 97% of every title match he’s ever been involved in. Just like Steve Solex lost not once, but twice against Christopher America when the one thing that had eluded him was within his reach. Do you know what company that puts him in, Steve?
He’s in the same company as Darin Zion.
Two men that have been in this company for YEARS and have never held the HOW World Championship belt. You left the influence of Lee Best to team with military trained Darin Zion. But again, that’s your “Friend” and clearly to you that friendship means more than success does. That’s a common theme here with the both of you. The two of you choose to side with the most talent lacking people you can possibly find and put their needs above your own personal legacy. Try as you might Steve, your legacy will not be cemented by beating Christopher America to become HOW World Champion.
Christopher America didn’t win three different War Games matches to lose to a bland, hobbled, one eyed, limp penis jackoff like yourself. All of the suplexes in the world aren’t enough to make you a credible HOW World Champion. But wait, you got a submission move now!
I’m slapping my cheeks right now like I’m Macaulay Culkin in the Home Alone movie.
A goddamn submission move that you came up with all by yourself! It’s a shame that you busted that out randomly on a Chaos show and let Christopher America feel what it was like to be locked in it. A smarter man would have practiced that move in private and sprung it out at RATR where it would actually matter. But what do I know? I’m just a HOW Hall of Famer that happens to be a three time HOW World Champion.
I’m not going to blow smoke up your ass, Harrison.
The mission here is to fuck you up before you step into the ring with America. GREAT SCOTT and I are going to do some serious damage to your personal wellbeing so that Christopher America can make quick work of you in the main event at Alcatraz. Cry me a river about how it’s not fair or it’s typical tactics for anyone that sides with The Best Family. You honestly thought that anyone on the roster outside of your three buddies wants to see Steve Harrison be a competent challenger to Christopher America?
We want people to watch our shows and be entertained. Not fall asleep due to watching your chrome dome in the ring for longer than fifteen minutes.
You just happened to be teamed with Conor Fumes because GOD has a sense of humor.
That brings me to you, my ‘former’ friend. You went from writing a biography of all things Jace Parker Davidson to calling me a pest that won’t go away? Which is it, Conor? You think that because we had a single one-on-one match where you won means I’m supposed to just disappear off the face of the planet? That’s not how it works, Conor. That’s not how any of this works. But please, continue to thump your chest over one match. Continue to hold your nose in the air because you’ve been a two time HOW World Champion this era.
What have you done for me lately, bro?
Sure, you hit me with your little flippy doo move and pinned me. Congratulations on that. Since then? Oh, I’ve continued to hold onto the HOW LSD Championship belt. I also main evented a Chaos event in Miami against Tyler Adrian Best to become the last ever HOW ICON Champion as well. Between GREAT SCOTT and yours truly there are three Championship belts in this match while you’re looking pretty naked around the midsection, Bruh. Steve Harrison can claim he’s one fourth of the HOTv World Tag Team Champions but honestly, is he really?
They needed to move the next two matches out of the series of five to MVW just for The Highwaymen to benefit from the Homefield advantage. For them to even have a prayer of ensuring a fifth match at RATR. You both are walking into this match empty fucking handed. You’re walking into the match with nothing but handfuls of piss and hope and looking to make Thanksgiving Dinner out of that. Again, what do I know? As Conor says I’m just the guy that left him high and dry to choose the easy difficulty. You know, forget the fact that I was the Wrestler of the Year for 2021 even though you were a TwO tImE wOrLd cHaMpIoN. Forget the fact that I wrestled two matches in one night for two different companies. That I earned the HOW LSD Championship belt. That I earned the HOW ICON Championship belt. The fact that between myself, GREAT SCOTT, and Garry ‘Ray-Ray’ Nelson we made the entire OCW roster wet themselves and nope themselves right out of the PWA Alliance.
Yeah, easy mode.
Motherfucker, I can’t go it alone? When have you EVER gone it alone? From the moment I came out of retirement you’ve been aligned with someone. From Lindsey Troy and the Grapplers 214 nonsense to Darin Zion, to the AoA, to David Noble, and now Bobbinette fucking Carey of all people. Maybe you and Carey need to hop into The Mystery Machine and solve that big ‘who done it’ mystery. Maybe then your trash talk would hold some water.
But by all means continue to overlook me.
Tell me I’m the weak link of this team, of The Board. Tell me how I hang from Michael Lee Best’s nut sack or need STRONK to hold my hand through the terrors that are HOW. Make Onlyfans jokes or tell me how I’m too busy looking for thots on Twitter to take any of this seriously. Make STD’s jokes and call me a pervert like that means I still won’t kick both your asses. Keep telling me that I’m washed up and that I should have stayed retired. Tell me how I’m not the same JPD that I was before.
Tell me lies, tell me sweet little lies.
While you both lie, I will be making miracles. REAL fucking miracles, not a gimmick to push fucking milk of all things. You can talk about how I’m just a drug dealer and how I need to pump GREAT SCOTT And STRONK full of steroids to accomplish anything. But do you remember when Steve Harrison tried to do the exact same shit with vials of some MIRACLE potion or toilet cleaner that he had experimented on before it got tossed into the forgotten plot hole pile?
Pepperidge Farms remembers.
You want miracles? Coming back from a career ending neck injury is a miracle.
Winning Wrestler of the Year less than 12 months back in the first year is a miracle.
Making the HOTv Championship belt something prestigious instead of a hot potato belt for curtain jerkers is a miracle.
Being the mastermind that crippled an entire company until they waved the white flag and buried their head into the sand is a miracle.
Being someone that has two belts that are being polished as we speak while I’m kicking back enjoying a refreshing can of BBQ Sprite is a miracle.
That’s slang for Dr. Pepper, you uncultured swine.
Being one of the driving in-ring forces that is leading The Board, who currently hold every single title belt in HOW except one, is a fucking miracle.
While GOD is away, I am leading the charge. While Michael Lee Best is sitting behind a desk signing his name to checks and making sure you fucks still have a way to make a living. I am showing why I am THE CONQUEROR.
Kiss and make up or bicker like siblings, makes no difference to me.
When the dust settles and the bell rings, you’ll both be lying on your backs looking up at the lights because I will have made you BEND THE KNEE.
All eyes on me, bitches.
I run this company now.