RahVision

RahVision

Posted on February 11, 2021 at 11:21 am by Rah

Black and white picture with “EXPLODING SHEEP PRODUCTIONS” centered in the middle of the scene.

Fade to a sheep out in pasture just grazing and minding its own business.  Then…

*KA-BOOM*

Parts and parts of parts and part of parts of parts fly out from the bright flash of light in every conceivable direction.

Fade to…

The voice of Brian Wilson is heard singing The Beach Boys’ classic hit “Surfer Girl” as people run on a beach- presumably in Southern California.

Next, a shot of Rah being carried to the ring in his golden sedan chair by two large, hulking men.

Then, shot of his followers- a group of former Arizona State sorority sisters stand around and take selfies of themselves with their cell phones and then text them onto their Twitter, Tik Tok, and other social media accounts.

Finally, a shot of Sports Entertainment Barbie, wearing gold strapless dress that only goes down to her mid thighs with a pair of killer gold heels, primping her platinum blonde hair at ringside.

“RahVision”

“Episode One- Champion of the World!”

Fade to…

“TWO WEEKS AGO- Refueled 50 – HOW World Title Match: Michael Lee Best © vs. Rah”

Joe Hoffman’s voice: TRIANGLE CHOKE!  MICHAEL LEE BEST HAS JUST SLAPPED ON THE TRIANGLE CHOKE!

Transition and fade in to a wrestling match.  The HOW World Title match between champion Michael Lee Best and Rah.

Announcer Guy (narration over the action): It’s late in what’s been a much closer match than anyone believed it would be.  High Octane Wrestling World Champion Michael Lee Best has just applied a triangle choke on Rah in the center of the ring.  Could this be the end for the Sunshine God?

Referee Matt Boettcher peeks in looking for a possible tap out submission.

Close up on Rah.  He shakes his head no- he does not submit.

Joe Hoffman: Best has it locked in tight and Rah is trying to fight out it.

Indeed, the Sunshine God is in big trouble.  Rah clasps his hands together and holds on for dear life.

Benny Newell: He’s fucked Hoffman.  Totally and completely fucked.

Sports Entertainment Barbie, Rah’s valet, keeps busy filing her nails, primping her platinum blonde hair, making sure her gold strapless mini-dress stays where it was supposed to stay, and taking selfies with the fans at ringside.

Rah’s groupies, the former sorority sisters, do what they always do, pose and preen, and take an endless series of selfies at ringside.

Joe Hoffman: Indeed.  It looks like Rah may have to tap out here.

It looks bad but then, finally, Rah shows signs of life.  Best is squeezing as hard as he can on the choke hold but the Sunshine God somehow finds a way to shift the weight on his legs.

Joe Hoffman: Wait a minute!  Rah’s fighting back!

Benny Newell: But he’s still stuck in the Triangle choke!

Rah slams his right hand down…

Benny Newell: Fuck!  He just tapped out!

…and with every last ounce of strength he has, pushes up and lifts Best off the mat.

Joe Hoffman: NO!

Suddenly, the crowd rises and the noise level suddenly increases several decibels.

Joe Hoffman: He did NOT tap out!

Rah channels his inner Scott Voss in the movie Here Comes the Boom.  In the film, an overmatched Voss fights an experienced MMA fighter and counters a triangle chokehold by lifting his opponent off the mat.

Joe Hoffman: He’s got the champion up in the air!

Benny Newell: RAHHHHHHHHH!

Joe Hoffman: OW!  Not in my ear, Benny.

Suddenly, Sports Entertainment Barbie finds herself moved to jump up onto the ring apron.  She turns to the HOW faithful, and raises a defiant fist in the air.

Sports Entertainment Barbie: COME ON!

She proceeds to whip them up into a frenzy.

Benny Newell: Hey!  I can almost see under her dress.

Joe Hoffman: Benny!

Screaming, chanting, and praying to the Temple of the Sunshine God, the Best Arena is rocking now.   The fans begin to stomp in rhythm.  Sports Entertainment Barbie stomps on the ring apron in rhythm.

Even Rah’s ‘groupies,’ the ex-sorority sisters who can’t stop taking selfies of themselves no matter where they’re at- stop taking selfies of themselves and actually pay attention to what’s going on in the ring.

Joe Hoffman: Rah’s got Mike about halfway up now!

Benny Newell: RAHHHHHHHHH!

Joe Hoffman: What is going through Rah’s mind right now?

Benny Newell: The HOW World Title of course!

Rah lets out a near-primal scream.

Announcer Guy (narrating): What was going through Rah’s mind?  What was he thinking in that moment?  Was it the thirst for glory, honor, and riches that could only be quenched with winning the HOW World Title? 

Rah’s daydream sequence begins with the brass introduction to the Joe Cocker classic (written by Randy Newman) song from the movie 9 ½ weeks- “You Can Leave Your Hat On.”

He’s envisioning the scene where the guy puts on “You Can Leave Your Hat On,” munches on popcorn, and watches Kim Basinger do a strip tease for him.

Well, in this case, in Rah’s daydream it’s actually Dawn McGill who’s doing a striptease for him-  going back to the statement Dawn made on her ex-husband’s wrestling podcast show where after he questioned her methods of motivating her wrestlers she said and we quote: “So how’s this for motivation?  If Rah wins the title Saturday night, I will go to his hotel room after the show and fuck his brains out.”

Announcer Guy (narrating): Sadly, no.

Close up on Rah.  A dreamy smile appears on his face and he continues to lift the HOW World Champion higher and higher in the air.

Back to the match…

Joe Hoffman: This is pandemonium!

The crowd is losing it.

Benny Newell: RAHHHHH!!! RAHHHHH!!!!

And so is Benny.

Benny Newell: RAH! RAH! RAHHH! RAHHHHH!!!!

Joe Hoffman: Benny!

Almost there, Rah tries to straighten his legs.

Joe Hoffman: Can he get the Eye of Rahhhh on the champion?

Benny Newell: RAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

Joe Hoffman: BENNY!

Benny Newell: RAHHHHHHHH-…….

Benny’s non-stop shouting finally induces someone in the truck to cut his microphone off- which may be a HOW first.

The arena is at a fever pitch now as Rah gets back up to a standing position while still holding the champion in the powerbomb position!

Joe Hoffman: Can he do it?

In the background, you can still hear Benny shouting ‘RAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!’

*BOOM*

Joe Hoffman: OH!  MURDER ELBOW!

Best drives his elbow once again into the skull of the Sunshine God.

Joe Hoffman: And that stunned Rah!

Rah releases Best and stumbles backwards, dazed.

Mike runs the ropes and comes at him with the knee.

*SMACK*

Joe Hoffman: I KNEED A HERO!

The decibel level drops exponentially as if the air’s been sucked out of the arena as Rah drops to the mat.  Best wastes no time rolling on for the count.

ONE!

TWO!

THREE!

Boettcher calls for the bell.

Joe Hoffman: And Michael Lee Best has done it.  He will break two major HOW title records. For the longest reign and the most defenses in a single reign.

The final shot we see is a woozy and slightly out of it Rah trying to get back to his feet after the match…

Announcer Guy (doing narration): So close.  But yet, so far.  Thwarted in his noble bid to dethrone Michael Lee Best as High Octane Wrestling’s World Champion, a dejected Rah returns to his dressing room following the mandatory post-match medical check.

Rah trudges into his dressing room and sits down on a bench, face bruised and puffy thanks to the murder elbows that landed repeatedly during the match, head still clearing of the cobwebs.

Announcer Guy: Accompanying him is his faithful valet- Sports Entertainment Barbie, who tries to comfort The Sunshine God in his hour of need.

Barbie sits down next to him.

Barbie: You fought one hell of a fight Rah.

Barbie puts her hand on Rah’s arm.

Barbie: You should be very proud of what you did out there tonight.

Rah gestures with his hands.

Rah: But she was right there.

Barbie: I know.

Rah: She was so close.

She leans her head on his shoulder.

Barbie: I know.  You had a chance to win this.

Rah: Rah could touch her.  Rah could feel her.  Rah could… smell her.

Sitting back up and tilting her head ever so slightly as his comment bordered on being a little odd to her.  But then again, she thought to herself, this was Rah so it kind of makes sense.

So Barbie nods again.

Rah: Rah also tried to cash in every birthday wish Rah saved up over the years, every eleven-eleven on the clock, every little wishbone Rah could find.

Barbie pauses, her mouth open as if she’s going to say something but nothing comes out at the outset.  She’s not sure how to respond to that one.  Instead, she just nods back at Rah again and goes back to trying to offer positive affirmation.

Barbie: Rah, no one gave you any chance to win against a man who’s a legend, a HOW Hall of Famer.   But yet you came closer than anyone thought you would.  It was right there within your grasp.

Rah: Rah knows.  Rah spent several days of intense training trying to make it happen.

Barbie: You did.  I’ve never seen you train like that before.  You worked your ass off.  You were so intense- you were like a man, or a pseudo-deity, possessed all week long.

Rah: Rah was this close to an adventure of a lifetime.  Her blonde hair.  Those gorgeous long legs.  And her breasts… wow.

Barbie’s head slowly turns towards Rah.

Barbie: Come again?

Rah motions with his hands.

Rah: Have you not seen them?

Barbie now realizes that they are having two completely different conversations- which to be fair is often a common occurrence with Rah.

She just looks at him, lets out an exhale, and finally says…

Barbie: I hate to ask this question on general principle, but, what the hell are you talking about?

Rah: Rah is talking about a great adventure- a most romantic rendezvous, an exotic wild night of fornication and carnal gratification that would have taken place tonight with the lovely, even at her advanced age, Dawn McGill if Rah would have won the match.

Facepalm.  Really?  A late night booty call with Dawn McGill was his motivation for the best performance of his life in the ring?  Barbie shakes her head.  God, that’s so typical of him. 

Rah: What were you talking about?

Barbie folds her arms in front of her.

Barbie: The title, you schmuck.

Now it’s Rah’s turn to give Barbie a ‘weird look.’

Rah: The title?

Barbie: The High Octane Wrestling World Title.

Rah ponders this.

Rah: Oh.  Rah thought this match was for the title of CHAMPION OF

**Cue dramatic sound effect**

Rah: THE WORLD! (cue echo effect) WORLD…WORLD…WORLD…

Facepalm number two from Barbie.

Barbie: No.  It was for the HOW World Championship.

Rah stops walking.  Wheels turn.  An idea is its formation stage and soon to hatch.  Rah rubs his chin to make it look as if he’s thinking ‘big and important’ thoughts of great…um…importance.

The light bulb comes on.  Or is it a night light.

Rah: Perhaps all is not lost yet.  Has anyone claimed to be the CHAMPION OF…

**Cue dramatic sound effect**

Rah: THE WORLD! (cue echo effect) WORLD…WORLD…WORLD…

Barbie just blinks at him.

Barbie: No.

Rah strikes a majestic pose.  He places one hand on his hip.  The other is outstretched.  He tilts his head up and stares outward in a noble, kingly kind of way.

Rah: Then Rah declares himself to be CHAMPION OF…

**Cue dramatic sound effect**

Rah: THE WORLD! (cue echo effect) WORLD…WORLD…WORLD…

Rah then asks her for his cell phone so he can make a call.

Barbie: Why?

Rah: Because unfortunately, as of this moment in time, Rah does not have the requisite title belt that Dawn McGill requested Rah procure before our one night affaire de Coeur could take place.

Rah takes the phone from Barbie and makes the call.

Announcer Guy: Rah waited as the phone rang but unfortunately for the Sunshine God, Dawn McGill was indisposed and not available for discussion.  It seems following the end of the Mike Best-Rah match, Dawn found herself sitting at the Hyatt Regency Hotel bar where she proceeded to get picked up by some guy named Cletus and they ended up going back to her room for a one night rendezvous.

Cut to…

Outside the Door to Dawn McGill’s Hotel Room
Hyatt Regency McCormick Place Hotel
Downtown Chicago

A camera crew is stationed right outside.  One of the crew places his ear up against the door trying to hear what’s going on.

Cameraman: Dude.  What do you hear?

The camera crew guy pulls back from the door.

Crew: I think I hear… music?

Cameraman: What?

He steps closer and puts his ear up against the door.  He hears a slow moving, bluesy number featuring the raspy voice of Joe Cocker.

“Baby take off your coat.
Real slow
Take off your shoes
I’ll take off your shoes
Baby, take off your dress
Yes, yes, yes…”

Cameraman: Oh yeah.  That’s music.

“You can leave your hat on
You can leave your hat on
You can leave your hat on…”

Crew: I wonder what’s-

The door to the room opens slightly allowing the volume of the music being played inside to filter out to the hallway.  As Joe Cocker wails as only Joe Cocker can do in the background, Dawn McGill, strategically positioned behind the door so the camera can only see her arm, her shoulder, the smudged bright red lipstick on her face and her wild, disheveled hair, tosses her ringing cell phone onto the hallway floor.

She sees the camera crew.

Dawn McGill: Oh.

Followed by an embarrassed smile.

Dawn McGill: Hey guys.

Having filmed many a HOW vignette over the years, Dawn recognizes the cameraman outside her room.

Dawn McGill: DAVE!  It’s so good to see you again.

Dave the Cameraman: Hey Dawn.  Sorry we’re bothering you filming our segment for the show.

Dawn McGill: Oh, no.  No need to apologize.  I completely understand.

While continuing to strategically shield herself behind the door, she points at the cell phone on the floor.

Dawn McGill: I’m just going to leave the phone out here in the hall for about an hour…or maybe two… or three…or …well, I’ll just come out and pick it up at some point-good-seeing-you-bye!

And with that, Dawn ducks back inside the room and the door quickly shuts behind her.  The music then gets turned up even louder.

The camera zooms in on the phone.

Announcer Guy: Who’s trying to call her?  Who do you think?

The name on the display?

Rah.

Announcer Guy: Unable to consummate his celebration of declaring himself the Champion of the World with Dawn McGill and unable to contact her because she suddenly stopped taking his calls, Rah decides to go different route in his bid to woo and win the heart of the former LSD champion for one night of non-wedded and consensual sexual congress.

Cut to:

THE OFFICE OF THE CHAMPION OF THE WORLD
Mission Valley State Building
San Diego, California
Sunday February 7th, 2021

Rah settles in to his new office space inside a three story state office building located in a more upscale part of San Diego.  He tries out a smaller golden throne of solitude parked in front of a nice but not too nice wooden work desk.  Rah squirms around in the golden chair trying to find the ‘comfortable spot.’

He leans back and takes in a deep breath.

Rah: Yes.  This will be nice.

Besides a laptop computer that Rah barely knows how to operate, a newly custom crafted Champion of the World belt is the only other thing that occupies the top of his desk at this point of time.  No paperwork.  No writing instruments.  No files.  No nothing else.

Woman’s Voice: So what do you think?

Rah looks up and sees his newly hired Official Spokesperson for Rah, Sunny O’Callahan, enter his office.

The petite O’Callahan stood about five foot seven in height.  She wore dark-rimmed glasses but otherwise resembled the archetypical California beach blonde save for the fact that her place of birth was Ireland and she still had a slight Irish accent in her voice.

Hint: ‘Sunny’ is not her given first name.

Rah: Rah is very pleased.

Sunny O’Callahan: Good.

Rah: Rah believes this space will suffice for the Champion of the World.  Which is a major accomplishment for Rah.  Just think, in this very space Rah will do great things.

Sunny O’Callahan: You are correct and I am one hundred percent behind you.

Rah: And now, with office space, with the title of Champion of the World, and…

He pats the belt.

Rah: …with an actual title belt, this could only mean one thing.

Sunny O’Callahan: That Rah will bring his light and sun to ALL the people of the Earth?  That Rah will be a force for goodness to counter all the badness going on in the world because Rah knows we really need more goodness instead of all the badness?

With one quick swipe of the mouse attached to his laptop, a picture of Dawn McGill peeking out of her hotel room the other night pops up as the screensaver on the monitor.

Rah: It means Rah has now met the qualifications Dawn McGill specified for her to come to my hotel room to fornicate Rah’s brains out.

Sunny doesn’t quite know how to respond so she moves on to current Rah-like business that the Sunshine God needs to address.

Sunny O’Callahan: Okay.  Soooo, apparently last night on the Refueled show, Sutler Kael brought you up for some reason.

Preening at the reflection of his face in the laptop’s monitor, Rah is intrigued by the mere thought of being addressed on the show.

Rah: Go on.

Sunny reads from a piece of paper.

Sunny O’Callahan: He said this and I quote, “Okay, RAH! Listen up! I don’t know when you were born but your gimmick is stale as fuck and reminds me of that 2000 year old Mummy that tries to fuck Tom Cruise so YOU’RE ON NOTICE! I ain’t Lady Gaga so I don’t Rah Rah, Oh La-La, you Nah-Nah, Fucking Faux Pas. Once I’m feeling back at 100% you’re a marked man! .. probably not a Loser Leaves HOW Match cause I spent all my political points on trying to kick Hollywood out so LUCKY YOU!.. But just you wait..”

She peers up from the paper to gauge Rah’s reaction.  His eyes widen and he sits up straight in his chair.

Rah: Tom Cruise does it with an older woman?

Sunny O’Callahan: Um…that’s all you got out of that?

Apparently so.

Rah: What cinematic classic is this?

Sighing, Sunny dutifully flips through her paperwork.

Announcer Guy (being helpful and also narrating): The Mummy.  A 2017 American action-adventure film directed by Alex Kurtzman and written by David Koepp, Christopher McQuarrie, and Dylan Kussman, story by Kurtzman, Jon Spaihts, and Jenny Lumet.  The film starred Tom Cruise as U.S. Army Sergeant Nick Morton, a soldier of fortune who accidentally unearths the ancient tomb of entrapped Egyptian princess Ahmanet played by Sofia Boutella.

Sunny O’Callahan: Um, yeah.  Something about an Egyptian princess who comes back to life.

Rah: Wait.  Tom Cruise has a one night stand with an Egyptian princess?

Sunny reads further.

Sunny O’Callahan: A two thousand year old, mummified Egyptian princess who magically comes back to life and begins feeding on people to regenerate her body.

Rah: Rah doesn’t see anything wrong with that.

Again, Sunny’s not sure how to respond so she moves on.

Sunny O’Callahan: Well.  Okay, let’s back to the pressing issue here.  Sutler Kael is under the mistaken impression that you are older than forty.  Perhaps we should issue a press statement this afternoon to set the record straight.

Nodding absentmindedly, Rah fixates on the screensaver of Dawn McGill.

Sunny O’Callahan: So, is that a yes?

Rah nods more emphatically.

Rah: Yes.  Yes.  Whatever you think.

Another sigh from Sunny but she soldiers on.

Sunny O’Callahan: Okay.  Rah, what would you like to say to Sutler Kael in response?

Rah leans forward, head on top of his fist and in deep thought.

Sunny O’Callahan: Rah?

Sunny whistles to get his attention.

Sunny O’Callahan: Um… Rah?  Hello?

Rah: Rah is thirty-seven.

Sunny O’Callahan: Okay.  That’s a start.

Sunny writes down his response and waits for more.

And waits.

And waits.

And-

Sunny O’Callahan: RAH!

Rah jumps in his chair.

Rah: Yes, that will be all.   Rah is thirty-seven.

Mumbling to herself, Sunny retreats from Rah’s office and goes to her desk to type out the brief and succinct press statement.

Announcer Guy (narration): And thus, a beautiful partnership begins between Sunny O’Callahan and the Sunshine God Rah.

Cut to Sunny pounding out the press statement on her laptop computer.

Sunny O’Callahan (mumbling to self): Sutler Kael throws down a challenge on television and all he gets out of it is Tom Cruise fucking a two thousand year old, mummified Egyptian princess?

Shaking her head and brushing her blonde hair out of her eyes, Sunny finishes the statement and hits send on the keyboard so it goes to HOW headquarters.

Sunny O’Callahan: What have I gotten myself into?

Announcer Guy (narration): What has she gotten herself into indeed?  Next time on RahVision, our hero finds out that the girl of his one night dreams seems to have moved on to a new man…

Cut to Monday night’s Missouri Valley Wrestling episode where towards the end of the show, Dawn McGill is seen making out with Cletus T. Johnson in the ring.

Announcer Guy (narration): Sunny O’Callahan continues to learn the ways of Rah.

Cut to Sunny on the phone with Rah.  She’s trying to get a response from him to Sutler Kael’s press statement that came out after Rah’s.  Sunny begs him to give him something… anything.

Rah: Oh.  Good to know?

Again, mumbling to herself, Sunny kicks out the second press statement and starts downing shooters.

Announcer Guy (narration): And finally, the past comes back to haunt Rah.

Cut to Rah’s palatial estate.  There’s a knock on the door.  Rah answers- it’s Cindy the former Coppertone Suntan Bikini team member who used to be part of his entourage back in 2010.  She shows up on his doorstep with a ten year old boy and an eight year old sister.

Cindy: Hi Rah!

Stunned, Rah just stands and stares at the boy- who looks remarkably like… Rah?

Rah: Ohhhhh fuddddge.

Announcer Guy (narration): Plus, Rah returns to the ring for the first time since his match against Michael Lee Best when he takes on Sean Stevens in singles action.  All this and more next time on RahVision!