Location: West Lafayette, Indiana: Purdue University – Elliott Hall of Music Auditorium
February 11, 2022: Time: 12:00 pm
As the image fades into a packed Elliot Hall of Music Auditorium on the campus of Purdue University, we see chairs, and tables with microphones set up on the stage as we await our guests of the hour. A commotion and chatter continues amongst the audience, a woman in her mid-forties makes her way onto the stage and taps on one of the microphones.
Lady: Can I have your attention please?
The lady asks, but the auditorium doesn’t bend.
Lady: I SAID QUIET!
The lady yells which brings silence in the music hall.
Lady: Thank you.
She says before clearing her throat.
Barbara Johnson: I am Barbara Johnson, and I am one of the Associate Deans here at Purdue University and I am here to inform everyone there has been a change of plans.
The Dean’s statement sends mummers throughout the audience.
Barbara Johnson: The autograph signing has been moved to one and the question and answers portion of the program as been moved to right now. So without further ado, here is our first guest, THE STEVENS DYNASTY!!!!!!!
She shouts and gives a round of applause as she exits the stage as the audience begins to boo as Cary, Bo, and George Stevens walk across the stage.
Cary Stevens: You filth should really be booing that football team of yours because you’re looking at real winners right here.
Cary gestures to his guys as they make their way towards their table. Cary takes a mic and taps it.
Cary Stevens: Where are those idiots that were supposed to be here with us……
Cary is suddenly cut off as a drum beat begins to hit and guitar begins to fill the auditorium before……
“I AM IRON MAN…..”
Is heard over the speakers before a scratching sound effect is heard as it is rolled into the chorus of Meredith Brooks’ “Bitch” and across the stage walks a man in a blonde wig, wearing white sunglass frames, and a green cape and sparkly crown. The man is carrying a cardboard cutout of something under his arm. The man makes his way to the other table as we get a look of the Dynasty with smirks on their faces as the man in the wig puts the cardboard cutout behind the chair and it’s a cutout of C3P0’s body with Robert Downey Jr’s face attached to it.
Cary Stevens: Thanks Ted…..er….I mean…Sunny for showing up.
Ted/Sunny: You’re welcome.
In a voice that makes nails scratching a chalkboard sound soothing as he flips the wig hair out of his face. A fat kid whose out of breath just by standing up waddles his way down to the front to ask the first question.
John: Hi, my name is John and I wanted to ask where is the real Sunny and Ultratron?
The audience cheers and begins clapping.
Ted/Sunny: I’m right here honey. Isn’t that right Ultron.
Ted stands up and imitates a bad robot voice.
The audience boos loudly.
Cary Stevens: Shut the fuck up fattie!
The audience gasps.
Cary Stevens: The only thing real up here is The Stevens Dynasty because we are the only team that matters, period. While you’re breathing heavily through your neck fat trying to shoot your shot with fugzilla and rust bucket over there we are here wasting our precious time having to answer stupid fucking questions from stupid fucking people who don’t know if the brown stain in their underwear is a chocolate bar that melted or actual shit. Now unless you have real questions sit the fuck down!
John begins to cry and takes off running out of the auditorium as the audience tells Cary how they feel.
Crowd: FUCK YOU CARY! FUCK YOU CARY! FUCK YOU CARY!
The patriarch of the Stevens Dynasty shakes his head.
Cary Stevens: Don’t worry, me and my boys will be running a train on all skanks and sluts that Purdue University has to offer since they want to feel want REAL MEN can do for them. Hell, we may even allow Ted here to throw in a finger or toe as well.
Cary makes the crowd even more rabid and security begin to reach for their pepper spray before an athletic looking man comes down for the next question.
Gary: My name is Gary and my question is for Bo. This is a must win for not only you, but for Team MVW.
Bo nods in agreement.
Gary: Do you have what it takes to be victorious come Sunday and do you think you can trust your partner?
Gary takes a seat as Bo picks up a mic.
Bo Stevens: That is a great question there Gare. If you know Bo then you know Bo knows how to be victorious. Bo knows he has a tough task ahead as he is facing the world champion and David Noble. Bo can’t take either one of them lightly or Bo will suffer defeat just like last time. However, the main part of that question you asked is can Bo trust his partner, and the answer is no!
Bo shouts as “Sunny” has a shocked look on her face.
Ted/Sunny: What do you mean?
Sunny cuts off Bo in an angry tone.
Bo Stevens: You know exactly what Bo is talking about because you left Bo to defend for himself. If it was up to Bo, Bo would beat the ever living crap out of you and that cardboard cutout because you are the reason Bo lost in the first place.
Ted/Sunny: If it wasn’t for me, you wouldn’t even be in this tournament….
Cary Stevens: SHUT THE FUCK UP TED!
Cary shouts and Ted goes silent.
Ted/Sunny: Yes sir.
Ted somberly replies as he shakes the wig hair out of his face as our next questionnaire is ready.
Rachel: My name is Rachel and my question is for Sunny.
Rachel: I’ve been trying to go blonde and I just wanted to ask what techniques and product do you use?
Cary immediately facepalms.
Ted/Sunny: Girl, let me tell you…..
Cary interrupts the girl talk.
Cary Stevens: It’s a weave that was put together rat and pubic hair and spray painted blonde. I’m sure if you get tea bagged enough blonde pubic hair will fall into your rat infested trap you have now.
Rachel: Mother fucker…..
Rachel is about to storm the stage but gets pepper sprayed before she makes it to the stairs.
Cary Stevens: Dumb bitch.
The boos from the crowd intensifies as another person walks down.
Kevin: Hi, my name is Kevin and my question is for any member of the Stevens Dynasty. How do you prepare for a man you don’t know much about and a man that beat one of your sons already?
Cary leans back in his chair and rubs his beard.
Cary Stevens: Excellent question. The first smart one asked this whole time. You must not be from here.
Kevin: I’m not.
Cary Stevens: Thought so. Apparently you’re the smartest person in this entire university. If I could I’d give you a PhD in Better-Than-These-Fucks-enomics.
The crowd boos.
Cary Stevens: Go fuck yourself, not his fault he is better than you all.
Crowd begins to throw stuff.
Cary Stevens: Now to answer your question. To be honest, it’s going to be very tough because not much is known about David Noble. Noble has only had a handful of matches since coming into HOW and he couldn’t even break a five hundred average. However, he is a seasoned veteran nonetheless as he has competed in PRIME and fWo. Finding footage of his days prior to HOW have been hard to find so it’s been very hard to come up with a sufficient game plan on how to approach and attack him. However, Conor Fuse is the opposite. We have plenty of footage on him and all we have to do is not fuck up like Scott did and we shall be good.
Bo Stevens: BO-Lieve that!
Bo chimes in as he gives the thumbs up.
Paul: Hi, my question is for Ultratron 6.1. I was wondering if you could do the robot?
Ted/Sunny: Teletran doesn’t usually do dance requests but he’s in the mood to dance.
Ted gets up and picks up the cardboard cutout and begins dancing around the stage with it as the audience claps.
Cary Stevens: Can we get some real questions and not this nonsense?
The crowd boos and the Dynasty give the audience the bird.
Allison: Yes, my question is for Sunny.
Ted sits up in his seat.
Allison: I was wondering what do you have to say to your client after he was thinking of dropping you as his representation?
Ted nods as he hears the question.
Ted/Sunny: That is a great question and I have to blame myself for that because if I kept my end of the bargain I wouldn’t be on probation with Ultron. If I was more concerned with helping him win instead of selfies, thinking I’m number one, the real queen of pro wrestling, or stuff that was all about me, Ultron would probably be a champion in MVW already and soon to be tag champion in HOW and that will lead to our plan of conquering the world. However, I haven’t lived up to mind end and I plan on fixing that.
Cary Stevens: No shit you haven’t lived up to your end of the deal because you are a dumb bitch who thinks you are the reason for the existence of HOW. You’re more concerned about Darin Zion in your little rant on HOTv that your two brain cells seem to not comprehend that we aren’t facing that doofus this week. The only time your welcomed is when you aren’t on fucking television because I heard you blew have the guys backstage and they had to give you a crash course on how to give a blowjob. Hint. Hint. You don’t blow on it.
Some of the audience laugh at the crude remark.
Cary Stevens: I didn’t give you fucks permission to laugh.
Cary Stevens: I mean you can’t even get Rust Bucket’s name right. We are the definition of the term champions and we will be the tag champions with or without your help Ultratron. If you really want to be successful, drop the bimbo and the other KRAP that follows you around and be the killer robot you want to be not the one she wants you to be.
Cary points to Ted who looks appalled.
Ted/Sunny: Well I never….
Cary Stevens: Yes, we know there isn’t a dick you won’t suck.
Ted/Sunny: That’s not nice.
Cary Stevens: What’s not nice is that I have to be paired up with you. What’s not nice is that I should be leading Team MVW to another victory and one step closer to unifying the HOW and MVW tag titles and being the dominant team across the HOTv brand, but your pettiness and selfishness cost us one win already.
Ted/Sunny: You’re welcome.
Cary Stevens: Enough of the games. Conor Fuse and David Noble.
Cary says in a firm tone.
Cary Stevens: You are a team of circumstance just like we are. We didn’t choose to be partnered with each other but we are trying to make the most of it. The difference between us is that we know our partner is going to fuck Bo over and we have counter measures for that. Do you have that? David, you have to ask yourself, can you truly trust your partner? I know you were left high and dry by Doozer, but how can you trust a man that his own brother had to distance himself from? How can you trust a man that only cares about himself and his achievements? Think about it David, how do you know that Conor won’t cast you aside for a better second player when you don’t cut the mustard?
The audience begins to mummer.
Cary Stevens: And Fuse. I hope you’ve learned a new strategy since my boy beat the shit out of you before you got a fluke win because if you haven’t we will be one step closer to not only taking the tag titles, but Bo may be taking that world title from you as well.
Bo Stevens: BO-Lieve that!
Bo states emphatically as he makes the belt motion across his waist as the scene begins to fade.