Posted on October 14, 2021 at 11:26 pm by Cancer Jiles

HOTv Mobile Studios Suite

For You Enjoyment

Don’t ask why it is called a suite. Said suite is not fancy. There is no place to hang a scarf. There is no red velvet loveseat. No hairdryer or vanity coke mirror. No urinal to wash your face with if you are from Boston. No pentagram. No Reesemart mayonnaise condom dispenser. No sleep juice to drink with the rest of the brothers and sisters. 

No nothing. 

The suite is simply a place where Cancer Jiles and his amazing attitude can discuss life, the weather, and his up and coming bout against Xanderland, the leader of the Seven Dwarf Worshipers. SDW for short. 

It should be noted that the unseen/unreported injuries Jiles suffered during his tenacious match against Whats Hername at Refueled 76 are on full display: a giant bandage is wrapped around his forehead and his eyelids are a touch swollen from the “cenflipetal” force of the Triple Lutz MDK finisher he successfully executed for no one to see.

That said…

Lights. T-Shades. 97red jumper. Absolutely amazing attitude and stunning golden blond hair. Bandage. Swollen eyes. Conviction. Action!

“I’m not mad. I’m a changed man. I like opening the show. I do. Who needs the main event anyway?”

The COOLYMPIAN flashes an uncomfortable thumbs up before continuing on in a less convincing manner.

“Shit, I couldn’t even be mad if I wanted to be.”

A weighted loogie goes flying. It does not land, and never will.

“So what if no one is going to see Xander enter the seventh circle of hell? I won. Streak over. I can now stand from my seemingly all you can eat steak dinner, excuse myself from no longer caring, and freely walk about with my dribbling dick hanging all over the place again.”

A pause.


Humility? What’s that besides something to scoff at?

“Ya know, there once was a time when I’d blow a gasket over the dark match nonsense. I’d frantically wave my arms like supercharged helicopter blades. I’d become so red in the face I’d develop sunburn. I’d even lash out with sub three hundred second temper tantrums.”

True story.

“That is how disrespected I felt jerking the curtain.”

A short poetic pause to remember the good old days of being a champion and the last to go on. Also, to wipe a reminiscent tear from his fluttering eye.

That’s called foreshadowing. 

Not foreskinning, Dare In.

“But alas, today I am a changed man.”

The sincerest of smirks.

“I know. You don’t believe me. You won’t believe me. You’re not falling for it, and it’s time for me to try another trick. However, you’d be wrong to think that. See, what you don’t know… what you can’t know– mainly because I haven’t told you about it yet; I found something recently.”

Jiles flexes a finger and pokes at his chest.

“This something has filled the brown paper bag that exists where my heart is with so much air it’s ready to pop.”

He smiles. Proud, like a father.


Blank face.

“I have a purpose again.”

A cricket claps. Golfly.

“A true one. A pure one. A virgin one. An unflinching one. An unyielding one. One that leaves me yearning for more. One, that breaks down barriers and allows me to shine in the sun.”

Jiles licks his lips as if he could taste the purpose coming from his mouth.

“Do not fret. I know this is a lot to digest. It will be much easier after I put my new purpose into practice at Refueled Seventy Seven. Then you’ll see. Then you’ll understand why it is that I’m beaming. You will see the new me. The one who has his arms open. The one who waits, and suffers, and believes, because in the end my purpose conquers all.”

A graceful yawn escapes from the COOL one’s stretched mouth.

“Hooray me.”

Jiles checks an imaginary wrist watch.

“Would you look at that? Where does the time go? Here I am gushing and blushing about my new purpose, and I’ve completely forgotten to properly address my opponent.”

He clears his throat.

“Fuck you Xander and your shadow cartel of deviants.”

And now the weather.

“Better bring an umbrella, pal. This dark cloud knows how to make it rain.”

And what of life in the big city?

“My life is better than yours. Trust me, it is. I have Eagles tickets tonight or I would spend the rest of the day telling you all about it.”

Go birds. 

“I will offer my best wishes against King Boring Face at the Rock. I’m sure you guys will steal the show… since I won’t be on it.”





I will find it. I will track it down. I have the map. I know where it is…

I liked Bermuda the first time I was there. I don’t know about this Triangle Cruiseline though. They don’t have any reviews on Yelp. Rather, there’s just a bunch of missing person reports. Nevertheless, I will find it. At any and all costs, I will find it. I still have my BA gas card that doesn’t expire till November, so that should help. And when I do find it, and I become the Captain of the ship I’m going to take the USS Octane on one final ride. 

I’m going to sail that fucking behometh straight up Alcatraz’s ass, and crash the Seven Deadly Sins party at Rumble at the Rock in GRAND fashion.

After all, I am a changed man. I must not only defend my purpose at all costs, but also display it for all to see.

Nothing but…