Press Your Luck!

Press Your Luck!

Posted on February 9, 2023 at 11:33 pm by Darin Zion

The 1980’s classic Press Your Luck! theme song blares over the speakers.  The vintage board is shown on screen updated with HOW wrestlers plastered all over it.  The studio audience claps along to the beat of the catchy music.  Peter Tomarken comes running out to the stage decked out in his gray-checkered suit.  The game show host greets his audience with an animated wave and a cheesy grin plastered on his face.  After doing a spirited wave towards everyone, Peter walks over towards the podium.

Rod Roddy:  Today we’ve got an exciting edition of Press Your Luck featuring HOW superstar DAAAAARIIIN ZIIIIIION along with two other friends.  But they’ll have to avoid the whammy to survive.  From Television City, Hollywood….it’s time to PRESSSSSS YOUUUUUUR LUUUCCCK!  And now here’s your host…PEEETTTER TOMARKEN!!!!!!

The crowd erupts with thunderous applause as Darin Zion, Vickie Hall, and Jonathan-Christopher Hall come into focus.  Peter Tomarken does his usual bow before taking his place at the podium.

Peter Tomarken:  Thank you, Rod!  As you can see on this special edition of PRESS YOUR LUCK; we’ve got HOW superstars plastered all over the board.  Some of them represent prizes…others are WHAMMIES disguised as prizes.  You all know the rules…if you hit a whammy; you lose all your earnings.

The board begins to flash behind them as the iconic beeping noise goes off in the background.

Peter Tomarken:  Now coming back from our break.  The pressure is on for Darin Zion to finish strong.  Tonight’s leader–Vickie Hall–has won an astonishing $5,432!!!  Trailing behind her is her amazing husband JC…

Jonathan-Christopher Hall:  Jonathan-Christopher….it’s Jonathan-Christopher Hall!  You gotta say it ALL.

Tomarken shoots a glare towards Jonathan-Christopher Hall.  It’s obvious Peter’s not a Hall-Mark.

Peter Tomarken:  Sorry, Jonathan-Christopher Hall is trailing behind with $3897.  It’s now their fellow Love Convoy members turn to PRESS HIS LUCK.  And Darin’s got a record-breaking 7 spins to work with here.  Let’s see how it goes.

The lights dim on the studio stage and the spotlight’s now glaring down on Darin Zion.   Rubbing his hands together, REAL LOVE’S now hovering over the buzzer like it’s life or death.  Darin lets out a giant sigh of relief as the board flickers and changes.



Darin Zion:  No whammies….come on….no whammies….

A few seconds pass before Darin Zion smashes down on the buzzard, yelling at the top of his lungs.

Darin Zion:  STOP!!!

Brian Hollywood’s face appears on the screen and transforms into a little red devil.  Zion’s jaw sinks to the floor before he wipes his face.  His body leans backwards as he can feel a sinking sensation in his stomach.

Darin Zion:  Golly geez!  I should have known Brian Hollywood’s a freakin’ whammy, Pete.

Peter Tomarken:  Don’t worry, Zion; you’ve still got 3 lives left here…

Darin Zion:  Yeah, I wouldn’t sweat it either if I got Brian Hollywood at Lethal Lottery either.  It’s obvi this man’s a dud, Peter.  The man talks about burning down his past all the time.  Yet he can’t help but reference all his HOW Championship victories.  He does nothing about it.  He’s the second worst champion outside of Scott Stevens of course.  Man can’t shift out of first gear.  I now know what I’m looking for on this board.

The mini light bulbs flicker again and the whole board flickers and changes.  Zion’s now rubbing his hands together and licking his lips.  REAL LOVE can feel it in his bones.  This is his chance now.  Wasting no time, he slams down on the button once more.

Darin Zion: No whammies….STAAAAAP!

Zion’s selected Dan Ryan.   In a quick motion, Dan Ryan’s picture fills the board up.  A tiny whammy wearing #97Red devil horns struts across the screen looking like a general.  Suddenly an anvil drops on Dan Ryan.  The stoic HOW superstar proceeds to launch his rocket and blows himself up like a cartoon.  The second whammy pops up on Darin’s console.

Vickie Hall:  NOOOOO!  ZIIIIIION!  You can’t choke again!  You’re letting the Love Convoy down.

Jonathan-Christopher Hall:  It’s okay buddy!  You can pull a Tom Brady here.  You’ll come back from a 28-3 lead!!!!  I believe in you.

Darin Zion:  EPIC FAIL!  EPIC FAIL!  I thought for sure Dan Ryan would yield me some cold-hard cash.

Peter Tomarken:  Not quite, but you still got two more chances.

Darin Zion:  To be fair, Peter…this shit happened to Dan Ryan in HOW.  You’d think for sure he’d win the prize, but he choked like a certain sad Cowboy did.  He couldn’t resist using the good ole Ctrl-C finisher stolen from Scott Stevens.  It’s just so devastating a muscle man like him fell flat on his face.  He’s an unstoppable tank that shouldn’t need any help.

Vickie Hall leaps up from the booth and starts cheering on TOUGH LOVE with all her might.  Her voice is so loud, the microphones start distorting.


Jonathan-Christopher Hall:  For the love of God, Zion…do not hit Scott Stevens or Xander Azula.  It’ll be an automatic 4 whammies and a banning from this game.  Both men are such NEEEEEERDY wimps, man!  TOUGH LOVE IS STRONGER THAN THAT SHIT!!!!

Darin Zion scratches his head for a moment.  Loosening his bright, baby pink tie and adjusting his bright red shirt, Darin shakes his head.  Sweat starts rolling down TOUGH LOVE’S face.  The pressure is starting to feel the same as gambling in the Lethal Lottery to him.  Darin’s face blushes while his hands hover over the buzzer again.

Darin Zion:  Please for the love of God and GOD…no more effin’ whammies tonight.  No whammies!  No whammies…..STAAAAAP!

It’s Christopher America’s face on the screen.  REAL TOUGH LOVE Darin Zion sinks into his chair, shaking his fists.

Darin Zion:  No!  Not another fuckin’ whammy!!!!


A perplexed look forms on Zion’s face while the square reveals he’s won $970 plus an extra spin.  Peter Tomarken leaps up in the air with excitement.  A loud, gleeful burst of energy comes from tonight’s host.

Peter Tomarken:  NOOO!  That’s great Zion!  You just won some cash and another spin, my friend.

Darin Zion emphatically shakes his head, disagreeing with Peter.

Darin Zion:  No!  That’s the biggest whammy on this fuckin’ board tonight Peter.  I don’t care what you say.

Peter Tomarken:  He’s the HOW World Champion…that’s definitely a prize, man.

Darin Zion:  There’s no fuckin’ way The Fake American Christopher America is worth a prize…

Peter Tomarken scratches his chin while JC and Vickie Hall gaze with excitement.  The Happy Couple clap, hinging on Zion’s retort.

Peter Tomarken:  Why do you think that?  It’s obviously an HOW sponsored event.  The Champ is worth a lot of money.


Peter blows off Zion’s comments as REAL LOVE continues to ramble about Christopher America.

Darin Zion:  You can’t tell me you don’t watch 80’s films, man.  Everyone’s seen them!  Watch Rocky 4, Red Dawn, or Invasion U.S.A with Chuck Norris.  Hell even John Cena beat a fuckin’ Russian who rode a fuckin’ tank!!!  Even the US Olympic hockey team beat the Soviets in the Miracle on the Ice.  I don’t care if the GD ref’s crooked.  No red-blooded MURICAN should EVER…..EEEEEEVER lose to any Russian at anything.


Darin Zion attempts to yank one of the whammies out of the podium during Jonathan’s outburst.  Peter shoots a deadpan stare JC Hall’s way before motioning to production to continue the game.  REAL LOVE flails around getting back to position to continue the game.  Zion lets out a giant sigh while continuing.

Vickie Hall:  Make sure not to hit Alcedama, BOO!  I hear they’ll lock you in Lee Best’s German Dungeon porn workshop under the Best Arena.

Darin Zion:  For the love of God please… whammies….STAHP!

The brand new HOTv Champion Joe Bergman appears on the screen with a small stack of cash.  $500 gets deposited into Darin Zion’s winnings, yielding him $1470 in total winnings.  REAL LOVE wears a fake smile while he shirks his shoulders.  Peter does a double-take before badgering his contestant.

Peter Tomarken:  WHAT?  No whitty banter?!  That’s your freakin’ schtick, Zion!  All night you’ve talked and built up Lethal Lottery as this unpredictable, threatening event.  Joe here beat a solid HOTv Champion GREAT SCOTT in an upsetting fashion.

Darin Zion:  Meh…I’m indifferent about it.  There’s not much hype beating a toddler trapped in an adult man’s body for a title.  It’s a simple ORDINARY FEAT.

Vickie Hall:  It’s just Joe….Bergman.  Nothing too special about him, Missouri or any of those evil wahoo MVW superstars anymore.  Those hicks don’t know LOOOOOOOVE like my main squeezes Dar-Bear and the ultimate bae and hero to my love story.   LOVE CONVOY 4 LYYYYFEEEE!!!

Jonathan-Christopher Hall blows a kiss to his precious wife.

Jonathan-Christopher:  You’ll always be my favorite Hall-Mark moment, bae!  My totes obvi Valentine 4EVVVVA!

Darin Zion:  See, even that love display has more charisma than Joe-Bi Won Kenobi.  The red lightsaber’s gonna eventually evaporate the former HOW Champion into the air.  Maybe next he’ll go back to playing a John Wayne impersonator with Clay Byrd.

Peter Tomarken:  Har!  Har!  Everyone’s a comedian…

The audience erupts into laughter while the LOVE CONVOY taunts back at them as a unit.  After the three get done sticking their tongues out at the crowd.  Peter nods towards the camera.

Peter Tomarken:  Enough with the puke inducing LOVE FEST.  Let’s finish this game.  You know most of the prizes on this Lethal Lottery board.  You’ve got only a few spins left, Zion.  Time to take it home…or choke…I don’t care.  You know a lot of the prizes.  But you’ve still got Jatt Starr or Jace Parker Davidson still left on the board as secrets.

Sweat pours over Darin Zion’s face.  It’s a nail biter right now.  Vickie and Jonathan-Christopher Hall sit on the edge of their seats.  The board restarts the flashing while Zion’s ready to press his luck.


Zion mashes the big red button and closes his eyes.  Vickie and Jonathan hold each other tight in suspense.  The board goes blank and the lights flicker off.  A giant picture of Jace Parker Davidson appears on the board with a shit eating grin.  It flickers between a whammy-version and his real face for a few seconds.


JC salutes his friend one last time as the spotlight shines on Zion’s body.


Peter Tomarken:  Congratulations, Zion!  YOU JUST EARNED $5000 AND WON THE GAME!!!!

The ecstatic Zion leaps in the air with joy.  Shouting at the top of his lungs, REAL LOVE drops to his knees, shaking his fists.  From out of nowhere Vickie and Jonathan-Christopher rush and dog pile Zion and…



Date:  02/07/2023

Time:  11:59 PM

Location:  Norman Regional Hospital – Norman, OK

Darin Zion’s body is draped over a recliner in the waiting room, folded almost like a pretzel.  Darin’s body violently shakes while he awakens from his dream. A haze fills REAL LOVE’s vision as he rubs his eyes.  Before long, Zion’s vision focuses on the Samsung TV hung in the corner.  The Game Show Network blares into the zombie-like Zion’s ears.

Darin Zion:  I shoulda know it was a fuckin’ dream—Peter Tomarken died in a plane crash in 2006.

The half-awake Zion mutters under his breath while stretching and letting out a huge yawn.  Darin folds his arms close to his chest.  Thoughts of Jackson’s well-being dart through his head like shooting stars.  An hour passed by without a single update from the neurological doctor.  Jackson Thakker suffered a stroke earlier in the evening.  Yet no one could even clue Zion about what’s going on.  The hospital let Gina and Easton back to surround the Thakker Patriarch with love.

The stress makes Darin Zion bite down on his lips hard.  It took every fiber in his being not to unleash his inner Karen on the nurses helping to keep Jackson alive.  Rocking back and forth in the recliner Darin tries to calm his emotions.  REAL LOVE glance down at his iPhone.

Darin Zion: Come on Gina!  For the love of God respond back!

Zion fires off another two text messages hoping for the best.  Another episode of Press Your Luck starts over the television.  But Darin doesn’t want to be disturbed.  TOUGH LOVE reaches for the remote and powers the television off.  Zion leans over the chair, clenching his hands together.

Darin Zion:  God this sucks!  I need a fuckin’ miracle at this point.

Attempting to enjoy the silence, Darin tries to pray and meditate for a moment.  But the voices in his head clamor louder and louder with each passing second.  Without a second thought, Darin opens his iPhone back up.  Flicking towards an untouched text group, Zion goes straight to a familiar message with an ironic 69 notifications:

The Love Convoy!

Between all the sappy GIFs and memes Vickie, Tristan, and Jonathan shared, Darin couldn’t help but stare.  REAL LOVE hopes for a laugh, but nothing comes.  Only tears roll down Zion’s face.  Darin’s hands shake, struggling to compile thoughts.

“Guys…something happened…”

Too dramatic!  Darin’s fingers whack away at the keyboard.

“PLZ TALK!  I need u guyz’ love…”

Too desperate…and awkward!  REAL LOVE shakes his fists, frustrated and mad.  Letting out a loud groaning noise, Darin frantically types out his thoughts.

The Love Convoy
2/8/23 12:22am

-hey im a little down in the dumps right now
jackson had a stroke tonight at the farm
I kno we dont see eye 2 eye rite now
plz…I need you guys more than ever…

Zion raises his finger off the phone keyboard and inches it towards send…




Vickie Hall:  ZI!!!!!  WE CAME AS SOON AS WE HEARD!!!!!

Jonathan-Christopher Hall:  Triss’ down in the car getting all the shit we bought.  I promise  I didn’t bring any meth, coke, weed or any shit I’d get arrested for…

The red-blood shot eyes of Jonathan curl up like the conniving smile plastered on his face.  Mr. Hall reeked of a certain ungodly stench that made Darin’s nostrils curl.   It must be his new cologne.  Smiles like toilet water!  Jonathan-Christopher’s one clean mamma jamma!  Plus the exhaustion for Vickie and JC’s long drive must’ve caught up with him.

Vickie elbowed her husband in a playful manner towards his gut.  JC’s Bae motions for her husband to wheel in a cart filled with presents.  Candy, food, toys, Hall-Mark cards, and an assortment of goodies for Jackson and his family.  A giant wreath with BFFFFFFFs 4evz with pink roses gets handed towards Zion.

Darin couldn’t hold back a tear-filled excitement beaming from his eyes.  A small smile cracks REAL LOVE’s face as he embraces Vickie and Jonathan-Hall.

Darin Zion:  Guys, you didn’t have to…

Vickie Hall:  No, it was our OBLIGATION and duty, Zi-Guy.

Jonathan-Christopher Hall:  You’re the bestest friend evvvvvaaaaar, man.  You came to me in my time of need.  You stood your ground and picketed for our….and YOUR cause.  You should know love wins maaaaan. Totes mah gotes gotta show some REAL LOVE to REAL TOUGH LOVE.  We know it’s been a rough 6 months for you bud!

Jonathan-Christopher Hall leans towards Darin Zion’s ear.

Jonathan-Christopher Hall:  PSSSSST!  B-T-Dubz…save us a special stash of brownies for l8r, Zion.  Gotta loosen you up for that big Lethal Lottery match.

Vickie Hall:  You gotta eat those…they’re Hall-Mark exclusive brownies.  Made with some LUUUUUUUV!

Jonathan-Christopher Hall:  And weed…it’s totally legal here!

Zion crosses his arms against his chest, knowing full well JC’s fucking with him.  Zion saw JC’s little white lie back at the Folsom Rehab place with his identity crisis after losing winning the PRIME Tag Team Titles.  Jonathan tries to rough house around with his buddy Zion, but Tough Love pushes him away. A stern look forms on Darin’s face.

Darin Zion:  I’m not in the mood right now, Jonathan-Christopher.  My brother’s dead in there for all I know.

Vickie Hall steps in front of her husband and puts her arm around Zion’s shoulder.

Vickie Hall:  Ignore my bae for a moment Zion.  Look, we understand you need your time and space in HOW to find yourself.  Gotta get back into PRIME TOUGH LOVE shape.  You’re racking up a lotta dubs the last few weeks.  Quite impressive, hun.

Darin pulls Vickie in for a tight hug.

Vickie Hall:  I didn’t understand it before…still don’t.  But Jonathan clued me into how long this has dug at you.  We’re hands off until you get that LSD Title you’ve wanted to chase after…

Jonathan-Christopher Hall:  Just don’t lick it, Dar-Bear.  Seriously…I don’t need you hooked on drugs.  Only phonics my friend!

Darin Zion and Vickie Hall shoot Jonathan a dirty glare before continuing their conversation.  Darin Zion steps away from Vickie and extends his hand.

Darin Zion:  Thank you!  I know it’s hard for you to step back Vickie.  You’re quite a hands on individual.

Vickie Hall:  My LOOOOOOVE made me that way, hun.

Vickie Hall slaps her boo straight on the ass while Jonathan’s grin goes from ear to ear.

Vickie Hall:  You gotta press your own luck here and I gotta respect the ZION TOUGH LOVE!  You told me what we needed to hear to move onto our grand master plan.  We gonna drape all that PWA over my yours and Jonathan’s waists.  2B1’s conquest for gold continues across the PWA universe BAAAAAABY!  The 4EVER PRIME TAG TEAM Champions…

Darin Zion:  We didn’t win those beeeeelts…

Vickie Hall clears her throat and continues rambling about her business.

Vickie Hall:  The 4EVER PRIME TAG TEAM Champions will conquer PRIME, HOW and the world.  You got this Lethal Lottery.  Fill it with LOOOOOOOVE!!!!

Jonathan-Christopher Hall:  #LOVESTILLDOMINATES pal!  Don’t forget that, Zi-guy.  I know it’s easy to get in that head of yours when the stress builds up.  But trust the Hall-Mark method my Love and I created.  Turn that frown upside round!  Might be cheesy, but a little bit of love can go a long way.  You know this man.  MAKE ‘EM PAY AND FEEL THAT ZION TOUGH LOVE bruv!

2B1 all embrace in the middle of the hall.  Darin Zion collects some of the gifts off the floor.  2Become1 all walk down to the NICU with a small skip in their steps.  All three knew that their love conquers all things…even with the storm is thick.

“It grinds my gears going into this match blind.  I’ve got no time to prepare or study every single outcome that could happen.  It’s all hard work, grit, and determination.  It’s ironic that after all these years of doing this metaphorically–I’m pressing my luck for real this time.  Ever since I’ve regained that confidence–it’s felt like I’ve become WHOLE again.

For once in my life, I’ve got my voice back. I’ve got a lot of shit to say now.

I want to harken back to Brian Hollywood’s comments and how he’s fucking perplexed at this shit ever god damn time it happens.  Let’s be REAL HONEST here; Hollywood said the quiet part out loud that every single prideful motherfucker in the Lethal Lottery is thinking right now.  Why am I floundering around like a fish out of water?  Why am I not wrestling on Pay-Per-View or for a championship belt?  It’s like these fuckers gotta soul search constantly when the damn answer’s plaster right in front of their god damn faces.

You didn’t take your fucking shot.  You’re the master of your own destiny here in HOW.  Instead of sitting around catering, looking at the damn LED lights….do something.  DO ANY GODDAMN THING to make yourself relevant.  Don’t lay on a bench like a worthless fuckin’ hobo, crying out for attention.  Knock someone’s face in.  Build a program up.  Cut a fucking promo and call some asshole out in the locker room.  Place your damn name in the hat for Lethal Lottery and put yourself out there afterwards.  Damn Lee Best book you with News Articles.  Help produce a match.  Fuckin’ help the production crew set up the damn ring.  DO SOMETHING NEW AND EXCITING.  Tell a story.  Take the damn risk and stop bitching about it.

I spent my last four years surrounding myself with negative nancies like Brian Hollywood, Scott Stevens, Scottywood, and crying in a circle jerk that got me nowhere.  I see Xander piddling around begging for HOFC like Jace Parker Davidson begs for nudies.

You don’t get anywhere taking the safe path in life.   Wanna know why I signed up for Lethal Lottery after I could have had the week off?  Because I want to punch my ticket to March 2 Glory.  I want to rip that LSD Title right off the waist of Jace Parker Davidson.  If the cards aren’t in my favor—I want to inch closer to EARNING MY GOD-GIVEN DESTINY.

Joe Bergman gets this well.  The poor bastard shot a homemade Star Wars movie in MVW studios.  That asshole took a risk and the house had to pay out a JACKPOT.  He took GREAT SCOTT down a few pegs and turned him into a scott.

Christopher America stepped into the ring with a literal Russian and got his ass beat.  That dude extended himself out to the PWA main event and came back more pissed than ever.  The bastard knocked around the roster and Joe and demanded people show him respect.

I’m doing the same damn thing.  Sure, I could jump into the lion’s den with the HOW Champion.  I could get paired up with Diet Terminator Alcedama and feel the wrath of Patchy the Pirate Best.  Hell I might draw Joe Bergman and win myself the HOTv Title and build some fuckin’ momentum off a shocking upset.

But I laid my cards on the fuckin’ table.

That’s the difference between all these challengers and me.  I go in and work my ass off night after night.  Am I the best wrestler here?   It’s debatable I’m sure.  But I am the biggest workhorse out of all the rest of the field.  I do every last one of those things I’ve listed and more over the course of my 18 year professional wrestling career.  I’ve put my body on the line for HOW.  I bring the best out of every single champion because they don’t know when I’m gonna pull off the damn upset.  I’m a threat.

It pisses me off that I’m lumped with every last one of you LSD and World Consolation mother fuckers right now.  Because I damn well know I’m better than that same old shit on a different night.  I’ve got bigger hopes and dreams and I don’t want to get anchored back down in the trash pile with only 15 matches left to my final HOW contract.  There’s too much at stake for me.

I HAVE to make this count.  I have to draw Jace.  I have to punch my ticket to every last HOW PPV that GOD gave me.  I’ve got to earn my damn respect with borrowed time.

So go ahead and cut those jokes, America.  Keep playing stupid and suppress the truth from the Headlines, HOW Champion.   Keep fightin’ blind and see what happens when Darin Zion draws your name.

Laugh at me, Jace Parker Davidson.  Your dumb, inconsiderate, narcissistic, gaslighting only feeds my fire at this point in my career.

Film your stupid pardoies Joe Bergman.  Show the world how ordinary you are.

Because the EXTRAORDINARY, TOUGH LOVE of Darin Zion is gonna come reigning down on your asses at Lethal Lottery.    If you draw my name–you’re going to fucking war.  You’re coming to bust your ass for that hot crowd.  And if you fail; TOUGH LOVE’S gonna give you and the world a RUUUUUUDE awakening…

Love will conquer this Lethal Lottery!”