Pies & Keys

Pies & Keys

Posted on May 21, 2020 at 9:30 pm by Jesse Kendrix

We catch back up with Mikey Unlikely and Kendrix. The Hollywood Bruvs are in the basement of an old brick building. It appears it was at one point a school and is now a community center used for various groups and meetings. JFK looks around quizzically then back at Mikey.

Kendrix: This doesn’t look like the AA, one of the biggest staples in British Automobile Emergency Services History, are moving their operations to the US, Bruv. It just looks like a bunch of losers sitting around in a circle.

Mikey pulls nervously at his shirt collar before patting his tag partner on the back.

Mikey Unlikely: Yea…. about that. I may have stretched the truth on that one… in fact I didn’t even know what you were talking about. I mentioned AA and you brought that up and I figured I’d better roll with it to get you here.

Jesse is taken aback, almost falling off of his chair in finding out that Mikey was not 100% accurate with him.

Kendrix: But, but…if the AA aren’t making their way here to discuss their US operations strategy with Jesse Fredericks Kendrix, a man who has crashed and ruined upwards of 50 cars in his life so far…then what the hell are we even here for?

Before Mikey can explain, the circle of seated men and women are greeted by a sympathetic, kind and patient looking man with a clipboard in his hand.

Speaker: Good evening ladies and gentlemen, I know it took a lot of courage for each and every one of you to come here tonight, I’d like to welcome you all to alcoholics anonymous.

Jesse silently mouths “Alcoholics Anonymous” to himself before his eyes widen. He looks over at Mikey in shock, then over to the exit, measuring the distance between him and the door.

Mikey Unlikely: Bruv, this is for your own…

Jesse attempts to make a run for it but Mikey’s clocked it before Jesse can even get an inch away from his seat. Lunging at his heels, he wrestles his troubled Bestest Bruv in the world to the ground. Jesse tries to kick out at Mikey but he won’t let go.

Mikey Unlikely: It’s for your own good, just give it a try.

Speaker: Gentlemen, gentlemen, please! I won’t have any fights in my AA meetings. This isn’t your classic standard beautiful American bar serving endless rounds of sweet sweet beer. This is a place of honour and trust.

Jesse and Mikey both look up at the speaker and the rest of the AA members who look back at them concerned and worried for the bad men fighting each other. They both stand up looking like told off school boys about to be handed detention.

Speaker: You sir, why are you here?

Mikey Unlikely: I’m here because my bestest bruv in the world won’t admit he’s an alcoholic and he needs to stop drinking right this minute so The Hollywood Bruvs can make sure that they will win the High Octane Wrestling Tag Team Titles at War Games!

Jesse shakes his head in disbelief at what he’s hearing.

Speaker: And you, young man. You don’t seem to agree? Your friend here seems to care very deeply about your health. But I’m afraid you cannot be saved unless you take the first step.

Jesse dusts off and straightens out his shirt.

Kendrix: What the hell are you talking about, bruv? What first step?

Speaker: I can’t help you unless you admit that you have a problem with alcohol, that you are indeed an alcoholic.

Mikey taps Jesse’s shoulder reassuringly on the back.

Mikey Unlikely: C’mon Bruv. You can do this. The first step is the hardest but I believe in you. Think about the Tag Titles but more importantly, think about yourself.

Jesse looks at Mikey, then at the circle of members and finally up at the speaker.


One final look at Mikey…for encouragement and then back at the Speaker…


Eyes closed….


Deep Breath…


Eyes opened…


Kendrix: My name is Jesse Fredericks Kendrix…


Fade Out.


Listen yeah?!

That smirk, that shit eating smirk as he basks just for a moment imagining the chorus of boos that follow those two words every time he lays them on the masses. Jesse Fredericks Kendrix can’t help but grin.

HATE. Last time we were face to face? March to Glory. Remember that lads? 

Affording himself the most subtle of chuckles over the fond recollection, he throws his hand through his beard almost trying to hide his delight for a moment. But he knows full well he’s given the game away. He fucking loves it.

Rome, the Tag Team Gauntlet Match. 24K made sure you didn’t even make it onto the grounds of the most majestic piece of architecture that the world has ever seen. The Coliseum. Quite honestly, it was too easy. Woodson and Damien Ryan…you didn’t stand a chance, boys.

Jesse holds his hands out flat in front of him in calm like fashion.

Bruvs, It was nothing personal. Lee Best had thrown 24K quite the curveball going into that match. Not only did 24K have to face the EggBandits, Troy and Ryan and of course your good selves in HATE…but 24K were pitted against each other at the beginning of the match.

A roll of the eyes followed swiftly by a dismissive shake of the head at the card they were handed.

It was nothing personal. The reason? We didn’t respect HATE enough for it to be personal…it was just business. Shortening the odds to ensure either 24K team left with the gold whilst once again sending another clear message to Lee Best and the rest of you muppets in the back…that 24K means business.

Rubbing his hands together he rises spritely from his seated position to his feet. Zooming out the camera reveals a business park area as Jesse, adorned in jeans and the latest beautiful Hollywood Bruv t-shirt combo as a huge queue of excited office workers wait eagerly in front of a modern state of the art mini caravan. Jesse slowly swaggers over toward them.

Once again, a 24K ambush is not met with retaliation. First GoD and then HATE. I knew HOW was going to be fun, I didn’t expect this much fun though. We can literally go around ambushing and beating down whoever we want whenever we want and face no consequences for our actions whatsoever!

He stops in his tracks turning to face the camera wagging his index finger towards the lens.

However, in recent weeks…HATE have been putting quite the little army together. Week by week looking stronger and stronger. Week by week, grabbing the world’s attention, our attention. You’re growing lads!

Holding his hands to his stomach he almost doubles over in delight. Arching himself upright it appears he’s made himself laugh again.

And I don’t mean just because of the sheer size of that 6 foot 9, 425 and a half…had to get that extra half of food in there didn’t you, bruv…pound freak of nature you have in your ranks in Rick Dickulous… 

Jesse holds his hands out by his side puffing his cheeks out and waddles toward the camera before dumping his rather childish impression away and refocusing at the point at hand.

But because they recruited one member who actually got The Hollywood Bruvs respect…that was you Hughie. 

Hands held to his temple and removed with an explosion leaving his lips. Mind. Is. Blown!

In fact, Jesse Fredericks Kendrix is going to level with you. Rick even impressed us. Not because of his stupid second name, nobody thinks that’s cool, but to the level of respecting what he can do when his mind is in the game. That misery whip was huge. There’s no getting up from that bad boy. But the stand out was you Hughie. That punch, that beautiful terrifying Fatality punch. What you did to Brian Hollywood…that sure was something. 

Started from the bottom, now we’re here

Started from the bottom, now my whole team fuckin’ here

Finally finished with his hip hop dance (doubling over and bopping with both arms either side of his leg and moving them over to the other) Jesse clicks accept to Mikey Unlikely’s call and holds his cell to his ear.

“BRUV IS THAT YOU!? Listen, Yeah!? I was….” CLICK!

Jesse looks oddly at his cell.

Huh, I guess he had a few more orders to attend to. Just a sec.

Jesse motions at the lens and makes his way towards the van. As we get closer, we see people inside the Van handing out packages to the waiting public. Below the serving window in 24K beautiful gold graffiti is a logo that reads Hollywood Bruvs 24K PieKeys.

Looking good boys, keep making me money, innit?!

Holding his two thumbs up at his overworked and underpaid stall keeps he’s approached by a member of the general public. A rather large fat cat type in a business suit. Before he can speak, Jesse holds his palm out flat in front of his face.

Look, it’s very simple tubby. You’re like the 100th person to ask me this today. We’re selling two things here, Pies and Key cutting services. PieKeys, understand?

The gentlemen’s eyes widen along with an impressed smile at such an incredible business idea.

You want a Pie?

The large hungry man nods.

You want your keys cut because you can have spares for all your pretend friends so you can show off to you mom when she visits?

The hungry key fan nods once more…surprisingly a lot more eagerly at this option then the last.

OK don’t just stand there! Get in the bloody queue, bruv before we run out of Pies and Keys, innit?!

The fat man turns to waddle off and is helped on his way by an encouraging kick to the but by Kendrix.

Jesse holds his hands by sides admiring the length of the queue.

Bloody genius idea. This is a goldmine. Now where was I?

Jesse walks back, encouraging the cameraman to follow him to his original spot, sitting on the steps as the cameraman zooms in on his focus.

In fact, let me be entirely candid with you here, Hughie. This Saturday, at Refueled the world will look upon the Hollywood Bruvs against Freeman and Rick as complete opposites going against each other.

He paints a picture with his hands held out in front of him, thumbs and index fingers touching.

The Sports Entertainers against the Bruiser and his Giant Heavyweight. 

He points his index finger towards the camera and quickly back at himself.

This match we have coming up. It means absolutely everything to The Hollywood Bruvs. Not what you expected, right? two wins in a row, victories over the legends Dan Ryan and Lindsay Troy followed up by the dismantling of the LBI heroes Red and Ted. It’s party time for the Bruvs right?! The lights, the glamour, the success has gone to our head huh?

A tilt of the head and lower lip awaits an answer that’s not coming, so he throws the smirk.

You’re damn right we celebrated. Long into the night. Back to back weekends, Frappes, Strippees…Friends…family, 24 fucking K! But one thing the Bruvs know is that Business is Business. One thing we know is one week you’re at the top, the next you’re scraping, clawing to get back to where you came falling down. We’ve not been around as long as most. But we’ve been around long enough. Long enough to show the world just how remarkable we are to achieve what we have in our short careers, but long enough to know that it can all go away in an instant. 

Jesse clicks his fingers.

Just like when Ryan and Troy rode their little merger shock on everyone, just like Red and Ted took a break as heroes and we brought them all right back down to earth…just like we dropped the Tag Titles. And since that day, the Bruvs have been unstoppable. Since that day the Bruvs have been on the warpath to stop every single opponent thrown our way in order to get our rightful HOW Tag Team Titles back. 

He slicks his hair back as he looks away from the lens, breathing in the magnitude of what’s at stake.

Legends fell, flavours of the month fell…And this Saturday at Refueled, The Bruvsb are going to hit their blockbuster brand of Hollywood War upon the COO’s lakies. We want those titles back and we’re gonna get them on June 20th at the Beach of Normandy…at War Games.

Jesse stares a dagger through the lens before rising from his seated position once more, arms out by his side.

But really, despite the obvious…you and the Bruvs aren’t too dissimilar. Neither of us are respected in ring technicians now are we? HATE’s Pikey bare knuckle boxer and a giant accident waiting to happen? Of course not. But what I like the most is that people sleep on the bruvs wrestling abilities. 

A playful tap from the palm of his hand meets the side of his head.

News flash, pricks. Just because we hate wrestling doesn’t mean we’re not fucking amazing at it. You don’t become a singles World Champion and Multiple Tag Team Champion in the biggest companies in the game if you can’t wrestle. The reason, Hughie, the reason that The Hollywood Bruvs get bullshit like this…

He taps the tips of his fingers against his chest.

…is because we are what your group pretends to be…Everyone in that locker room HATEs us, every single fan HATEs us. Why? Because we spit in the face of wrestling to spite each and every person who loves it deep in their hearts week in and week out and we still fucking make our mark and make this game look bloody good.

Jesse presents both arms over to his right side.

Welcome to our world, Rick, Welcome to our world Hughie. But how long are you gonna be here for, especially you Hughie? After all, the thing about  pikeys is they don’t tend to stay in one place for long. How many families do you have? Does your loyalty lie with your own still or does it lie with HATE now? What kind of Pikey are you? You’re supposed to keep to your own! You guys keep EVERYTHING in the family.

Jesse leans forward and motions the tips of his fingers for the camera to zoom in.

I heard your sister is your mum. That’s how close you all are to each other, right?

Wink Wink.

So what is it, Hughie? Are you ashamed of your family that you replace them with a brand new group of misfits? You’re best buds now with the COO of the company and his Brownie making, fat piece of shit stooge who thinks his name is ridiculously clever, right?

A shrug of those manly man shoulders.

Maybe it’s all bullshit? I don’t for one second think that you’re not a tough bastard, don’t get me wrong. I wouldn’t dare want to stumble across you and your family all by myself in the middle of the caravan site you live in. But you’ve got to make a name for yourself in this game somehow, am I right, mate? You can’t just be this bruiser, this boxer who can knock his opponents out with one punch at any given moment can you? That can only get you so far in this game. That’ll get you respect, you know, that thing you and your tinker family have supposedly never had all your life?

A stroke of the beard before that lightbulb moment hits.

Or maybe you know EXACTLY what you’re doing. You already know in this game just like the Hollywood Bruvs have known and proved over the years, that your fists can only get you so far. It’s what you do with your gob that gets you places. I mean, don’t get me wrong? Myself and Mikey have never used our mouths the way you used yours on the COO’s balls like you have to get ahead. We used ours to entertain the world. To say whatever the hell we like to whoever the hell we want to. We used ours to bring down every single legend that ever stepped in front of us and every newcomer who looks at us as their gold standard in this game…the ones who have done it all in record time.

He tips his imaginary cap out in front of him.

But I dig, it mate. I really do. It’s not easy coming from the good old British Isles and making it big in the U S of A. Only a handful of us on our tiny Island have made it. The Beatles, The Stones Pink Floyd…the HOW World Champion himself…Cecilworth Farthington…and of course, possibly the greatest import of them all…Jesee Fredericks Kendrix. One half of simply the greatest Tag Team in the history of this business.

He puts his imaginary cap back atop of his beautiful head.

You’ve got bags of potential, mate. Despite being this no nonsense fighter you’ve shown your business acumen. You’ve seen how popular The Peaky Blinders is on Netflix that you’ve taken the moniker of Gipsy, Pikey to win the High Octane Wrestling fans over and make a name for yourself.

Slow Clapping ensues.

The way I see it. You’re a fraud. If you were a real pikey you wouldn’t be fighting for any family other than your own. The only possible explanation is that you’re following in the footsteps of the Bruvs themselves. You know who to cling onto, when to ride a wave and when to let it go. Me and Mikey did exactly the same thing with Dynasty, with the Sports Entertainment Guild and you’re doing it now with HATE.

He holds his hand proudly to his heart.

The only difference is…Dynasty and the Sports Entertainment Guild stood for a united purpose. 24K, we’re the very essence of unity. Brothers, who believe in something bigger than just being here for a fight, just being a prize fighter. We’re here for so much more than that. You guys in HATE? You’re put together by a desperate COO trying to make himself relevant again. There’s no united front. There’s no chemistry, no desire…and just like you, there’s no real loyalty to them or your filthy family. 

Eyes intent now, he can’t hold back the look of disgust in his face.

You mean to tell me when you see your group getting their arses handed to them by the Egg Bandits after their match last week that your carny code means that you let a little fishing rod tangling followed by some tazing hold you back? 

He silently but very clearly mouths the word “Pussy”.

Or maybe it’s true Hughie. Maybe you are indeed what you say you are. Last week on Refueled, that just sums you up, doesn’t it. That punch to Bryan Hollywood had me holding my own jaw…but an hour or so later, you show you’re dumb as fuck. You got outsmarted by the Egg Bandits. People who attempt to be popular by throwing raw eggs at people for cheap laughs. You got outsmarted by them!

Jesse looks over at the queue and his van and makes his way back over.

Even if it is all true, even if you are an actual Pikey…WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU STILL LIVING IN A FUCKING SHIT CARAVAN FOR?! You’ve got money now. Use it. Buy yourself a house or a flat. Upgrade for the love of God. Rent a house…just stop living in a caravan. You work for HOW, you stupid dickhead. I don’t know if you heard but money can be used to buy goods and services!

People in the queue take alarm at Jesse’s ranting but because the temptation for Pies and Keys at the same time is so huge they ain’t going anywhere!

But until then, refueled offers the Hollywood Bruvs the opportunity to not only keep our momentum going into War Games but we are presented with the perfect opportunity to show Lee Best why his final two picks for the War Games main event should be Mikey Unlikely and JFK.

He points at his Hollywood Bruvs t-shirt.

Saturday night is more than just a regular Tag Team match, HATE. Hughie, you stand in our way to be picked for the War Games main event. You are standing in JFK’s way to becoming a possible World Heavyweight Champion once again. It’s like being at school, the worst feeling in your little world is not being picked for the sports team.You probably won’t understand that Hughie, because you probably never went to school if you are what you say you are.

He throws the wanker gesture out in front of him.

Mark my words, Rick and mark my words Hughie…the Bruvs will stop at nothing to show that they deserve to be in both War Games matches and we are gonna show the world at Refuelled 17 exactly who it is that they just can’t help but love…to hate.