One Shot

One Shot

Posted on February 4, 2021 at 11:56 pm by Johnny Dorn

So let me get this straight…there’s never been a more pandering, ignorant blowhard than me, but you somehow forgot that Steve Harrison is on the roster? C’mon man, as if he’d ever let anyone forget.

But how fuckin’ dare you though, Dan, really. Malört is a Chicago institution, up there with deep dish pizza and the Italian beef sandwich, you rank-ass, uncultured cow patty. And yeah that shit probably could power a lawnmower, even though there’s no truth to the rumor that it’s made with gasoline, but I wouldn’t know anythin’ about that since I live in a condo and someone else takes care of the landscaping.


Why’s it sound like all this anger and hostility about me big uppin’ where I’m from ain’t really about me at all? It really bother you that much that I’m loud and proud about where I live? Some of us aren’t able to brag about having an entire state inside our house, but that’s no reason to shit where you eat, bro.

You said that nobody worth talkin’ about gives a shit that I hail from the Northside, but you and I know that ain’t true. Lee Best gives a shit, otherwise I wouldn’t be here, and you’ve got some sorta bone to pick with him. That’s why you keep throwin’ these jabs, and makin’ these back-handed slams, knowin’ that they’re gonna get back to him and get under his skin and piss him off.

Yeah yeah, that’s another thing you don’t care about, I know.

But I ain’t stupid, Dan. I ain’t gonna be a pawn in your game with the Boss Man, whether you think you’re gonna make me one or not. You’ll have all the time in the world to deal with that lil’ petty squabble after Saturday, because your dance card will have freed up and I’ll be waitin’ to see if I’ll be squarin’ up against the mangina Teddy Palmer or the walkin’ taint Steve Harrison.

I’m jealous of all the people who haven’t met me, too. I’m hella fun to be around; the life of the party, the dude who always tops your beverage off and never has an empty cooler. Being an 80s action movie reject isn’t a personality type, bro, you should try and lighten up a bit.

What’s that line from Lethal Weapon? You’re “gettin’ too old for this shit.”

No wonder you’ve got this attitude about these damn kids needin’ to get off your lawn.

I’m right in the prime of my life, though. Got my whole career ahead of me, and I’m only gonna get better as time goes on. What about you, Dan? You ain’t the Energizer Bunny anymore; you ain’t gonna keep goin’ and goin’ and goin’. Big man like you, with a big frame like that, only a matter of time before it all, finally, breaks down.

I’m feelin’ real good about my chances of bein’ a catalyst for that. It just takes one match for the domino effect to start. One bad hit, one wrong move, and that’s where shit starts goin’ downhill.

I’m real glad you’re lookin’ forward to facin’ me in the octagon, Dan, because I’m dyin’ to show you what I think of all your tough talk and bravado. I’ve been lookin’ forward to seein’ if my knuckles can reach your uvula, if my shins can break your ribs, if your head is filled with rocks. I want to feel the canvas tremble beneath my boots when your body hits it, and I want to rain fists into your mushmouth until Boettcher or Hortega pull me off your prone, lifeless body.

I know I ain’t Muhammad Ali – I’m cocky, but I ain’t that cocky – but I gotta know … who will weep for you when I get you lookin’ like Sonny Lison on Saturday night?

Who’s gonna be the one lookin’ at the back of their eyelids when it’s all said and done, Dan?

If I were you, when that knockout blow happens, I’d make sure you don’t get back up and fight, sucker.