No Actual Turkeys Were Harmed in the Making Of This Segment (Shhh, Don’t Tell the ASPCA)

No Actual Turkeys Were Harmed in the Making Of This Segment (Shhh, Don’t Tell the ASPCA)

Posted on November 26, 2020 at 6:24 pm by High Flyer

A black video matte with white text is played before the video.

“The following program harmed no real animals, and all animals depicted are made using CGI or Computer Generated Imagery.”

“That being said, images in this program may disturb viewers. The events depicted in the below program are in no way indicative of the general belief or philosophy of HOW Wrestling or HOTV, and are simply the opinion of the athlete. Viewer caution is advised.”

It’s a clear brisk morning. The sun is positioned at a nice 10 o’clock on the horizon. The birds are chirping in the distance. There’s a rustic forest vibe to the calm tranquility of the moment.

“PULL!”

A light orchestra score plays, almost a waltz of peace. In slow motion, a large flying turkey gobbles it’s way, propelled forward by a cannon. It is not aerodynamic.

It’s eyes widen in shock and horror as it floats, only for a moment. The large skeet shoot puck dislodges from the undercarriage. A large BANG is heard as the bullet misses its target.

Back to a widen shot, as the puck and turkey float off into the distance. The clay cracks as it lands, shattering. The turkey does similar, but with a more splat sound.

High Flyer: I thought I had that one. Reload.

The friendly neighborhood Lunatic is not being particularly friendly to the fairer foul, as High Flyer reloads his shotgun for another try. He wears one of those large silencer ear muffs, and a large red and black checkered flannel jacket. It’s quite brisk out, his exhales dance in puffs of smoke and mist with every breath. Flyer rubs his hands together, and then breaths on them for heat.

Currently, Flyer’s brother-in-law Tony Davis is trying to fashion a turkey to one of the clay pigeons. It’s not going well for either him or the turkey. Tony wears one of those athletic ear guards, which is good as the turkey tries to peck directly into his ear drum, before Tony’s able to wrangle him down.

Just off screen, Mary-Lynn Mayweather is currently dialing the ASPCA, to preemptively offer them a settlement for the treatment of these animals. It’s easier to pay forgiveness than try to stop Flyer when he’s got a hairbrained scheme.

High Flyer: Nothing like Turkey shootin’ on Thanksgiving. How you comin’ with the next one?

Tony Davis steps away from the skeet cannon. He’s got a large gash near his eye brow.

Tony Davis: Ready. But they’re learning. They know what’s happening to their friends, and they are not happy.

High Flyer: Hmmm.

Tony Davis: Plus, how are we going to eat around the buckshot?

High Flyer: To be fair, I haven’t hit one yet.

Tony Davis: 0-7. Kind of like the start of your HOW 2020.

High Flyer: Careful. I have the gun.

Flyer spins, aiming the double barrel shotgun away from Davis and down stream.

High Flyer: PULL!

The turkey flies, gobbling it’s last gobble, as BAM, Flyer finally hits a shot and the turkey goes down in a blaze of glory. Suddenly, a dog runs out of the corn field, holding the dead turkey by its neck and snickering. Both Flyer and Davis look at each other.

High Flyer: Who rented the dog?

Tony Davis: No man, I know what this is. That dog isn’t actually there. That’s not a turkey! That’s a duck! It’s like, you know how ideas become ghosts?

High Flyer: That’s not a thing.

Tony Davis: That’s the Duck Hunt dog! From Nintendo. But I thought he and the duck were friends in Smash Bros… Hm…

Tony Davis continues to ramble on about video games and High Flyer loses interest. Meanwhile, Mary-Lynn Mayweather is speaking on the phone.

Mary-Lynn Mayweather: Yes, that’s 8 turkeys. I think he’s done now. Yes, I’ll make sure we only show a limited amount of this on television. Oh, Of course I was talking about doing CGI. We’ll CGI the turkeys in… (she looks concerned) …rather than use actual turkeys. Of course. Of course.

Back to Flyer and Davis. Davis is rattling off at a mile a minute, and is basically doing his best Sherlock Holmes “I cracked the case” impression. He doesn’t normally have a corn cob pipe, but if he did, he’d be holding it now.

Tony Davis: – Unless the dog and the ducks were in cahoots together all along! They’re like BOWSER dude. This is a Game Theory in the making, I am telling you.

High Flyer: Shut your gibberish. Wait. What were you talking about?

Tony Davis: Uh… dude, Video games?

High Flyer: Oh! Games…. Like… oh, the duck hunt dog… This could be the work of Conor Fuse! He’s my opponent this week! He knows all about me, he did a whole soliloquy. I mean, he knows so much about video games, too much even! Maybe he’s trying to use video games against me! But you, you’re my ace in the hole Tony. I could flip his script. You could be my key to victory. Tell me some tips, cheat codes!

Tony Davis: Okay. Uhm. Yeah. I play video games. I know gaming. I have my switch now. Remember that thing I’d always have in my hands when we did the talky bits on the tv?

High Flyer: You mean where I acted menacing and crazy and you acted disinterested while looking at your phone.

Tony Davis: That wasn’t my phone. It was a 3DS.

High Flyer: No one cares you nerd. Continue.

Tony Davis: Wait, before I let you know everything there is about video games so you can defeat Conor Fuse… what should we do with the rest of these turkeys?

High Flyer shrugs, looking at the pen. There’s about 20 more turkeys, and they have gotten fairly loud and aggressive.

High Flyer: I dunno. The President only pardons one turkey a year. If we pardoned 20, that’s like, we’re 20 times as powerful as the President. It’s simple math.

Tony Davis: Hm. It is simple math.

Tony walks over to the crate and opens it. The turkeys flood out, gobbling and rushing, pecking both Davis and Flyer as they emerge. They even charge toward the camera crew, with one of our cameraman falling, the lens on the camera cracking. The turkey looks at the camera, head tilted, and then lets loose one last peck, causing the image to abruptly cut to static.

Elevator Music. A large TECHNICAL DIFFICULTIES sign, much like the last time. Instead, High Flyer is now riding a jetski, jumping a shark. The Shark has Max Kael’s robotic red eye, gleaming. Meanwhile, the Fonz is playing air guitar while using a dolphin as a hoverboard.

MULTIPLE BURSTS OF STATIC. High Flyer stands, his entire face covering the frame, as he just tilts his head to the side.

High Flyer: Conor Fuse. You want me to hurt you?

He smiles.

High Flyer: Okay.

There’s a long silence, as Flyer just smiles at the camera. Even still, the only movement is the smile, growing ever so larger, subtly at first, but by the time ten seconds have passed, it’s the largest Cheshire like smile you’ve ever seen. We fade out, and only the bared teeth remain, bright white and vibrant crescent shaped over the black background, until the scene fades.