Night of the Living Dead

Night of the Living Dead

Posted on July 21, 2020 at 10:43 pm by Simon Loveless

Ph’nglui mglw’nafh Cthulhu
R’lyeh wgah’nagl fhtan

Wait, where did that mumbling come from? In fact nevermind that now, because we’re really going to start this thing off with just the sound of Simon Loveless’ voice.

LOVELESS: “…no, I don’t want to watch it again. I’ve seen it enough times, and on top of that why did you retweet and favorite the clip of Kostoff driving me through the mat in the first place?”

We fade in from black to finally to the visual to go along with the audio. The room has been kept mostly dark as to avoid having Simon’s eyes exposed to any unnecessary lighting. Loveless stands there looking over the shoulder of his manager and girlfriend, Missy Monet. Missy is looking at her phone as usual, but this time the screen is in full view of the camera as she watches a super slo-mo version of Kostoff hitting the No Remorse on Loveless from this past week on Refueled. Loveless, turns his head away from the video wincing in pain and showing that his left ear has been covered over with a bandage as a result of what Missy is currently watching. Missy reacts with a hand over her mouth as Loveless’ head bounces off of the mat slowly.

MISSY: “There’s my poor Simon-bear’s head bouncing. See?”

She holds the phone right up to Simon’s face just as the screen shows Chris Kostoff landing the No Remorse in super slo-mo. Simon turns away just as his head bounces off of the mat like a basketball dribble. Missy looks back at the phone and swipes her finger across the screen as she pops her chewing gum.

LOVELESS: “Yeah, I’ve seen it already. I lived it, Missy. And don’t forget I took the trip to the hospital because of Chris Kostoff. Have you seen this bandage on the side of my head? It’s a possible ruptured eardrum and underneath this bandage my ear is stuffed with cotton balls dipping in some antibiotic that I can’t even pronounce as a result of my head bouncing off of the mat. Not to mention the doctor said I had my bell rung from my head bouncing.”

Without skipping a beat or skipping chew of her gum, Missy doesn’t look up from her phone but instead responds with a blind hand tapping the side of Simon’s head.

MISSY: “That’s what the bandage is for? I thought you got your ear pierced.”

As Missy blindly grabs him by the damaged ear, this causes him to push her hand away from in some pain as he turns his head away from her again. Simon just stares at her with a dumbfounded look upon his face as she continues to look at the screen of her phone.

LOVELESS: “And do you know what, Missy? I might have to take another trip to the hospital this next week because I’m going up against Kostoff once again. Unless I can find some sort of loophole in this High Octane Wrestling rule book that will allow me the use of a chair or kendo stick or chloroform… damn, this rule book is more strict than a military school.”

Sure enough within his grasp is a small, yet thick, red book which Loveless flips through that has letters ‘HOW’ on the cover. Way to go prop team.

LOVELESS: “There is no possible way I can use a weapon in a match without getting disqualified, no chairs… no chains… nothing. I have to honestly face Chris Kostoff one on one and somehow be able to put his shoulders onto the mat for the three count if I am to walk out a winner. Can you believe how unfair it all is? I can’t use a damn chair, but Chris Kostoff can walk around as some sort of undead pissed off wizard this whole time? There ain’t a single damn rule in this entire rule book which says you’re not allowed to be an undead pissed off wizard. Which, by the way, I just made him more pissed off after Refueled. That ain’t fair. That ain’t fair at all. This is such bullshit.”

MISSY: “You did hit him with a chair after all, babe.”

LOVELESS: “Yes, and I thought that it would keep him down long enough for me to get out of the ring and back to safety in another city. Had I known he was actually a zombie wizard, not a pretend one that I watched growing up on television, I wouldn’t have gone down there with a chair and hit him in the first place! What a crappy way to kick off the Summer of Loveless, no? Try to make an impact and it all went backfire in a matter of two weeks. Perhaps if my manager would have done a little research before I told everyone that I was going to make an impact that would have the wrestling world talking, I wouldn’t be in this situation in the first place. Kostoff’s gonna kill me!”

MISSY: “Look on the bright side. If he kills you, you could always come back as a zombie wizard, babe. How cute would that be?”

Even as these words pour from Missy’s mouth she still has no reaction to them at all, they don’t stop her from flicking through something on the internet. It’s probably cat videos. Simon, on the other hand, continues to thumb through the little red HOW rule book looking for something to help him out. After a couple of moments of awkward silence between the two of them, Simon throws the book far off into the distance causing it to hit a wall with a splat noise from somewhere in the darkness.

La! La! Cthulhu fhtagn

The silence is finally broken, I guess.

MISSY: “I found it, babe.”

LOVELESS: “What? An even slower version of my head hitting the mat?”

MISSY: “No, I found the way to stop a wizard zombie on the internet. And you know what they say about the internet? What you read is always one hundred percent true. You need to first place the guacodile right where a wizard zombie is so he immediately triggers a rush attack. One rush attack is sufficient to kill a wiz–.”

LOVELESS: “Missy, what exactly are you looking at for this information?”

Missy takes the phone once again and shoves it right into the face of Simon. It takes a moment for him to adjust to the sudden brightness of the screen a few inches away from his eyes, but he finally begins to read what she’s looking at.

LOVELESS: “Missy, this is how to kill a wizard zombie in Plants vs. Zombies. I’m trying to figure out how to kill a wizard zombie in real life here, big difference and besides I don’t have the slightest clue as guacodile is or how to even get one in the first place. Tell you what, why don’t you just focus on seeing how to fight against undead first, and then we’ll figure out if it’s any different for an undead wizard. Sound good? And while you do that, I’m going to lay down because my head is throbbing from looking at that light.

However, just as soon Loveless turns and takes a single step it appears that Missy has already tracked down what she was tasked with doing and her arm shoots out again blindly grabbing Simon by the back of the t-shirt which causes him to stop and turn around with a heavy sign and as he turns around he begins to rub his temples as if they are in a lot of pain.

MISSY: “Found it, babe. According to this website all you need to do to defeat the undead is a holy weapon which has been blessed by a cleric of some kind.”

This response gets the facepalm face rubbing combo response from Simon. Missy continues to read what her phone is telling her.

LOVELESS: “So, let me break this down. First, we get a priest to bless a weapon like a chair or kendo stick turning it into a holy weapon?”

Without even a second’s hesitation or glance, Missy fires back.

MISSY: “Yeah.”

LOVELESS: “You somehow distract the referee during the match.”

MISSY: “Uh-huh.”

LOVELESS: “…and I use our holy weapon on Kostoff.”

MISSY: “Right.”

LOVELESS: “Winning the match and getting out there as fast as possible.”

MISSY: “Yeppers.”

LOVELESS: “Perfect. I’m going to go lay down now.”

Missy reaches out blindly again and rubs her hand through Simon’s dyed blonde hair one more time. She continues to pound her thumbs on the screen of her phone as Simon turns around to walk away.

MISSY: “Love you, babe.”

This time as Simon turns around to begin to walk away he stops suddenly and stares off into the distance as is someone else is standing there waiting for him. After a moment of confusion, Simon finally speaks to that person off camera.

LOVELESS: “DJ Khaled?”

Nobody responds, and to be clear DJ Khaled is not standing there.

LOVELESS: “You think the holy weapon idea is a good one? So… I should have a chair blessed and hit Kostoff with it during the match?”

You could almost hear DJ Khaled as he holds up a single finger and says ‘and another one’ mostly because Simon repeats it.

LOVELESS: “And another one?”


LOVELESS: “Another one?”

And again.

LOVELESS: “Another one?”

This conversation has gotten the attention of Missy who steps into view of the camera with a confused look on her face as well.

MISSY: “Who are you talking to Simon-bear?”

Simon sort of snaps out of whatever he’s looking at for a moment and acknowledges Missy standing there before turning his head back around.

LOVELESS: “Stop checking out my manager, DJ Khaled. Stop it right now.”

With that we fade to black as Simon continues to argue with someone who is not there.

Cthulhu R’lyeh fhtagn.