- Event: Chaos 039
It is official.
The Ruler of Jattlantis is the greatest tag team champion of all time. StarrSek Industries held the HOW Tag Team Championships for more than one hundred and fifty days. Dan Ryan and the Thane of Starrkarth will be Co-World Champions for five months on August 26 which would be roughly, ironically enough, one hundred and fifty days. Sure, you can say that once we won the PWA Co-World Championships thus retiring the HOTv Co-World Championships the clock should start over and you would be a moronic dumbass for thinking that.
It is a single title reign! The titles merged together to become one like the Matrix and Optimus Prime!
When you think about it, when you think of tag team wrestling, it should be the Rembrandt of Wrestling’s portrait you see. The tag team history of the HOW is so muddled with who won what when with that Freebird rule poppycock. Best Alliance, Ascended Supremacy, etcetera.
But these last two reigns solidify the Hero of Jattlanta’s tag team legacy. Sure, it takes the right partner, you have to gel, you have to have chemistry, heck, you don’t necessarily have to be completely simpatico. If that were the case, Mario Maurako and the Jattllantic City Idol would be tag team champions in perpetuity. But, let’s be honest here, without Paul Paras, Mario Maurako was nothing. He was the thick, repugnant ooze located at the bottom of an overflowing dumpster in a Bronx alley. Useless. And he is widely considered to be the greatest tag team champion of all time.
Is he really though?
I am not, what is that term the kids are using nowadays? “Throwing shade”? I love Mario. He puts “masculine” in “toxic masculinity”! Hell, without Mario Maurako, there would be no Steve Solex. Mario is my pal! My comrade in arms! My cobber! My third best friend next to my Co-World Champion Dan Ryan and hot wife, Natalie! He’s my Bro! My Brohemian Rhapsody! My Broman Holiday! My Brochacho! My Bazooka Bro! So, I am perfectly qualified to judge Mario’s prowess as a wrestler. Don’t get me wrong, you need someone to operate a “Whack-O-Meter”, he is your guy! But rely on him to lead a tag team? I learned that the hard way.
Which begs the question, and I say this with love: Was he ever any good to begin with?
Personal feelings aside, Bobbinettie Hairy, be objective with it.
Other than being a tag team wrestler his claim to HOW fame was convincing you that you two were married. It’s not even that clever! It’s the plot to “Overboard” and “Fifty First Dates”. Taking advantage of amnesiac women has been hilarious for years! But creative and original? Hardly.
I am sure there is some part of you that just wants to come to his defense and mention his lone HOW Championship reign. I mean, seriously, he had to beat YOU to become the HOW World Champion, is that really such an accomplishment? I have beaten you numerous times. Has my life changed any? Is the Starrson City Icon making any more money because of it? Nah. The point is, Mario Maurako, he was not a very singles wrestler and by virtue of defeating you, it makes you look worse than him.
Naturally, you could come back with an argument that won a championship since returning to the HOW. Oh wait. You haven’t won anything since you have been back, have you? Yikes. Unlike the Baron of Boca Jatton who has two LSD Championships, one TRUE HOW Tag Team Championship, and a PWA-HOTv Co-World Championship since returning. Maybe you can use your victory over Shane Reynolds at 97Red as an argument? Oh wait…..
Hold up…..
Give me a second here…..
I know! You beat Mario Maurako at ICONIC 2021, you can use that as a point in which to…..what’s that? You lost that one too?
Well, there is always the huge victory you had against Jace Parker Davidson at Rumble at the….no, you got your ass handed to you on that one. What is worse? Getting beaten by a misogynist pig like Mario Maurako or a misogynist pig like Jace Parker Davidson? Does one sting just a little more than the other?
Damn! What have you done since coming back? Other than trying to hide the fact that you have the personality of a soggy potato by creating this whole “Nettie” personality, like anyone’s buying into it.
And “Nettie”? Really? You could not fabricate a more intimidating name for your “evil” alter ego? “Nettie” sounds like a kindly old woman who offers you a butterscotch for cleaning her gutters. Why not “The Bobbinator”? Or “The Bobcat”? Or “The Nutcrack Smasher 1000”? You know, something that instills fear, not a resident of the Elder Scrolls Retirement Community.
Bobbi, Bobbi, Bob-Bob-Bob-Bob-Bobbi-Ber-An. If I could just go back for just one moment to Mario Maurako. The King of Jatten Island finds it so ironic…..
Ironic that while I have surpassed Mario as a tag team wrestler, nay, a tag team General, you still live in his marvelously cast shadow. And yeah, I get it. Mario is low hanging fruit when it comes to you, much like snatching the glory and the HOW Championship that Shane Reynolds so richly deserved while hypocritically trying to paint yourself as being a good and decent person while doing so. But it does not make it any less true, Scary Carey.
You can cover up all of your little insecurities by talk-talk-talking and doing absolutely freaking nothing to change your standing.
Look at me…..
PWA Co-World Champion with my best friend, Dan Ryan.
HOW A-List Hall of Famer.
Married to a blazing hot chick.
Now that I have stopped paying medical bills for my daughter, I am raking in the cash. Bought me a boat. Because I love the water? Heck no! I hate sailing. I did it because I could. Bought my wife a Tiffany’s necklace worth more than your yearly salary.
I watched a street urchin take a dump in an alley while in downtown Chicago. That’s not the important part but it is imperative to know that because once he was done dropping that deuce, he wiped his ass with a Sektor t-shirt.
And Dan Ryan and the Champion of Jattanooga defeated those hillbilly Alabama Boys at 97Red. Hopefully for the last time.
And…and….AND….I found twenty bucks in my pocket this morning! Free money!
Everything is coming up Jatt Starr!
In fact, so confident in my abilities I submitted a one act play to DePaul University for consideration in their Dramatic Arts program.
And my success, it is not going to stop. Bobbinette, you are going to get steamrolled by the Starrlite Express.
Not that it would affect you too much.
I mean, once you are in the gutter, there’s really nowhere else to go, is there?
In closing, as a man with an insurmountable number of nicknames, it is only fair that the Mayor of ManJattan squares off against someone with same amount, if not more, nome de plumes than I. So, considering I am the Perfect Ten in HOW, it is only fitting that I, the HOW Classic, the Jattinum Standard, the Starrpathian Scourge be the one give you said nicknames…..
Here we go….
Bobbinette Karen
Boobinette Carey
Bitchenette Carey
The Strumpet of Nantucket
Skankytown
The Queef of Epicness
Crabby Crotch
Whorey McSaggyboobs
Mario’s Sloppy Fourths
Bobbinette But-Her-Face
Little Miss Stinkyfarts
Lady Fopdoodle
Nerdy Nettie
Nerd Carey
Nimrod Nettie
Festering Ass Pimple
The Dingleberry Duchess
Human Sperm Receptacle
Madame Pusbag
Slobbinette Carey
Nickelback Nettie
Blithering Idiot
Twelfth Rate Hall of Famer Bobbinette Carey
D-List Hall of Famer Bobbinette Carey
The Inferior One
Corn on the Cobbinette
She Who Sucks
She Who Stinks
She Who Is Not Very Good
Bloody Carey, although that one, I hear, is only used once a month.
Day Old Vomit
Hot Dog Burp
The Big Shit
The Little Floating Poop That Doesn’t Get Flushed Down the Toilet Not Matter How Many Times You Try
Toothy Cootchie
Boogernette Carey
Big Mouth Bobbi
Bathroom Break Bobbi
Less Attractive Bobby Dean
Floppinette Carey
The Manos: Hands of Fate of the HOW
The Speed 2: Cruise Control of the HOW
The Superbabies: Baby Geniuses 2 of the HOW
Bigfoot
Nettie the Yeti
Bobbin-Yeti Carey
Bobbin-Yeti Scary
Bobbinette Carey Cacafuego
Obsolete Girl
The Great Void (which could refer to your charisma or your, um, lady parts or BOTH)
Bobbinette “Why Isn’t She in XPro” Carey
Crappinette Turdburger
Bobbi De Zero
Lady Blah-Blah
Dumpster Divin’ Doxy
Sweaty Nettie
The Failed Bride of Frankenstein Experiment
And let’s not forget the Tweeter machine’s current favorite…..
Hairy Twatter
Oof! A lot of names right there, am I right? How many is that? Fifty? Sixty? That was as exhausting as a Jace Parker Davidson promo, am I right? Handing out nicknames or sobriquet as they say in….somewhere, I don’t know, is depleting work. At least, much like an egg, there is a sunnyside to it. I have verbally destroyed you. You are destroyed right now! Your entire life is in shambles! You are weeping like a small child, sucking your thumb, soiling your britches, under a bed in the fetal position, mumbling incoherently through sobs about how much of a Mister Meanie Pants the Earl of GlouStarr is!
One might say, I Mike Bested you!
Yes I did.
Yes I did.
You can try to deny it, but I did.
Yes. I. Did.
Stop arguing with me. We both know I am right. I am just a knee from decapitating you, toots.
Right now, the Duke of Jattmandu is living rent free in your head. Manipulating your syntaxes and brainwaves and radiowaves and microwaves to the point where, come Chaos, you will be so discombobulated…Get it? Discom-BOB-ulated?…
Anyway, you will be so discombobulated from my thrashing, you won’t know up from down, left from right, Britney from Christina. You won’t know what hit you. And whilst you are lying there in Nurse Horsetranq’s office undergoing concussion protocol, yours truly will riding in a chauffeur driven Bentley to a luxury hotel where I will be sipping faux champagne, eating beluga caviar on a Ritz cracker whilst lounging upon a soft as a cloud sofa watching “Murder, She Wrote” on Hallmark Mysteries and Movies. Will it be a Cabot Cove episode? Or one of the Jerry Orbach episodes? Harry McGraw, that scamp Or maybe one of those standalone episodes where she is some town we never see go to again? Either way, the Savior of Starrkham will be living la vida loco in the lap of luxury, texting humorous quips about Rhys Townsend to Dan Ryan, sending sexy photos to my inifinitely gorgeous wife who will reciprocate with some rather naughty poses before retiring which may lead to some video chat sexy times before retiring to the boudoir to be taken to dreamland on a plush, cloudlike bed while you, in your enfeebled state, may or may not remember your name…..
Say….
If you think there is even a remote possibility that you lose your memory, do you think I should call Mario? Meet you in the Best Arena’s medical center nurse’s office whatever? After all, what’s old is new again and, besides, I am hearing that the second time’s a charm.
You know what? Maybe I will just drop him a text and if he shows, he shows. Hey, at least it gives you something to look forward to.