“…” Cardboard Dan Ryan on Reesemart Products
I bet you’re thinking I’m talking about my recent win. Maybe you’re thinking I’m jumping for joy, FINALLY Bobby Dean wins a match! WOOOOooooo! Break out the champagne and fire up that grill for some Uncle Phil-Lee cheesesteak sandwiches!
If you’re thinking that, you’d all be mistaken. No, I’m talking about Bobby Dean FINALLY faces COOL Cancer Jiles!!!!1!!!
We planted the seed months ago, sowed that wild oat, nurtured this potentially beautiful thing with love and tender care, and then… Nothing.
Granted, Jiles fucked it all up by winning that stupid World Title, but who in their right mind thought he was going to beat Mike fucking Best, for the World fucking Title!? If I were a betting man, I would have lost my shirt to the HOG on that one!
Then again, maybe I fucked it all up by being me? I can’t remember, that was so many HORs ago! So many bowls of frosted flakes. I think I remember someone telling me I’d never be in a World title match again for the rest of my life. Actually, that might have been Jiles who said that. He’s really good with motivational speeches.
Anyway, the plant has wilted, the seed has cracked and died, so yeah, NOW is the perfect time to throw us two together in a match that means absolutely nothing! And hey, let’s include some innocent bystander, who’s just here to hawk some shit, and steal Miracle Man’s gimmick, while we’re at it. You know what we should do? Bring Doozer into the mix, I mean, he’s wasting his time on Harrison, so pulling him from that shit show of a match and throwing him in with us shouldn’t be too much trouble. We put the eGG Bandit name on the line, and watch 3 of the 4 of us “forget” to show up. And BAM! QT Reese is the newest member, owner, and savior of The eGG Bandits!
These HOFC matches are supposed to be all cutthroat and hurtful words. But I’m about to step into the ring with one of my bestest friends in the whole wide world. What could I possibly say that would hurt him? No seriously, I need some ammo, ‘cause much like my sex life, I’m shooting blanks here.
I could talk about his stupid sunglasses, and how much I want to rip them off his face. So I can put them on mine. Or I could talk about his stupid new tights, all the while trying not to admit how impressive they are, and what a ingenious idea it was. I can talk about how he’s just riding Harrison’s coattails, but if anyone knows anything about coattails, it would be me. Plus, I’m pretty sure Doozer is already using that line…
Yeah, this is harder than I thought it would be. How about this, my COOLympian friend, how about we agree to save our words for each other for our 3rd piece and just focus on QT for these next 2? Much like our potential feud, let’s build some suspense for the people.
What am I saying, it’s you! You’ll say the most hurtful thing you can in the first two seconds of whatever you got cooking over there in the BA kitchens. Hell, you’ll probably have Harrison in your ear, feeding you line after line of his hateful rhetoric. A modern day Midsummer’s Night Dream, but it’s full of loathing and resentment, instead of love and friendship.
I once met a guy like you QT. He had an odd name, like yourself. His name was Skylar Montgomery, and like you, he was the King of Deathmatches. Always carried around light tubes, but never carried a ladder. How are you supposed to change the lights if you can’t reach ‘em?
I never did like him. The only good thing about him was he didn’t stay around for very long. Maybe you and him will have that in common?
I’m confused by your products. Shouldn’t it be a knork? Not a forive? A forive doesn’t roll off the tongue like a knork does. Plus, stupid autocorrect keeps thinking I mean forgive… But hey, you’re new to this and I’ve seen a lot of Shark Tank episodes. You can call me Mr. Beautiful, and for 100% of your business, I will offer you 97 cents! And trust me, you won’t find a better deal from anywhere else!
What do ya say? Is Reesemart under new management?