You have attributed conditions to villainy that simply result from stupidity.
You’re no villain, Steve.
Oh, you try to be. But for all your machinations, you are utterly limited by your lack of intelligence. You’re just like Dorn was, only instead of Malort, you had milk. On second thought, you’re much worse. Because you don’t have the good sense to even know what you don’t know. You wander through life insulting people with this random gibberish, and you sit back, smirk, and think …… HAAAA!!! GOTEEEEEM!!!
You see a guy like me and you think… I know! I’ll insult that guy’s failed marriage. Motherfucker I ended that marriage. It didn’t fail. I put it to death. And the ‘doesn’t shower’ crack, oh bravo, Steven. Bravo. Don’t forget also that I don’t brush my hair, take too long in the bathroom and never put the toilet seat down. I’m sorry, but I got out of my marriage for a reason. I don’t want a wife right now, so please stop trying to be one.
And you can want all kinds of credit for whatever boring-ass thing you think you should get credit for, but the truth is, you don’t get credit because no one fucking remembers. If you make people disappear, then people remember. There’s absolutely nothing remarkable about you, buddy. That’s why your ‘villainy’ isn’t getting noticed. In the world of villains, if I were a Coca-Cola, you’d be like.. a Tab. Everything you do leaves a bad aftertaste.
But I’m not really mad at you for not being interesting. That’s not really your fault. We all play with the hand we’re dealt to some degree. I’m a little annoyed that you have a dopey smirking grin on your face while hurling insults at me that aren’t insulting. I’m a little irked that you’re so super super dumb. That part upsets me some. What were you thinking? When you were born, why did you choose to be an idiot? There are so many better options available. And why, after discarding the happy go lucky milkman bullshit two months ago, did you then choose to be an EEEEEEVIL character from an Austin Powers movie? Sure, occasionally you call some female a whore because it makes you edgy, but beyond that and the occasional F-word, you’re underwhelming everyone in the bad guy category, buddy. I bet you stayed in the kiddie pool until well into your teens, didn’t you? You splashed around and clung onto your floaties because you’re afraid of any actual depth.
And this threat of violence stuff that you use might work on a lot of people, you used up carton of cheap cigarettes, but it won’t work on me. You can’t threaten me, and you can’t insult me because there is absolutely nothing about you that I want. There is nothing to be jealous of, not ability, not brains, not eloquence, you have no accolades that should mean anything to me and no redeeming qualities in your character that anyone would ever find worthy of envy.
You can do all of the things you threatened to do to anyone around me or anyone else, and I promise you… I promise you I won’t give a shit, and it won’t change a thing anyway. But you will not inflict any more violence on me than I allow. This is a fight, you underwhelming ball of dried up cum on your mother’s ass. And if you think I’m worried about a fight, then you’re even dumber than I think you are. Anyone looking at you would write you off as a brainless simpleton with about as much intelligence as a dead rabbit. But either way, you are not going to be doing anything but getting into that octagon and taking a fucking shit-kicking, you tiresome walking charade, you ‘somehow rich for the dumbest fucking reason ever’ teen fan fiction trash. I am absolutely going to knock you the fuck out. And there’s absolutely nothing you can do about that.
You admire me, and you should. I’m much better at everything you want to be good at. But I’m not running a school. That was Mike’s shit.
Solid first effort for a Diet Villain. Eat a 100-calorie pack of dicks, Harrison. I’d say I’m hoping for better from you, but hope in one hand and shit in the other…. right, Stevie?
Now shoo. Away with you. It’s my fault for expecting the extraordinary from the ordinary.