MOOOOORE MASHED POTATOES!!!!!!!!

MOOOOORE MASHED POTATOES!!!!!!!!

Posted on February 1, 2024 at 9:59 pm by Hugo Scorpio

Second chances.  Some are given.  Some are earned.  Those that receive them need to make the most of them.  Just ask Michael Vick.  

For Hugo Scorpio, he has no intention of squandering the opportunity he has been given.  Another shot in the HOW.  A solid contract with incentives.  Money in his pocket.  More than he had been paid play acting as some black hat bandido during Old West shows for the tourists in Cody, Wyoming.  

No more getting “shot” for the entertainment of retirees, school field trips, and families.  No more returning to an empty home with a leaky roof and Stouffers TV dinners for supper.  No more “Natty Ice” and drinking himself to sleep.  No more store brand sodas.  Sure, he could have supplemented his income by doing some jobs for his Uncle Al, but after what happened in Philadelphia, never again.

Not that he has the skills for anything more than morally ambiguous jobs for his “connected” uncle, performing death scenes three times a day, four days a week at Old West shows, or professional wrestler.  Not a lot of non-fast food occupations for a high school dropout.  Maybe if he had not burned off half of his face during his senior year, he would have graduated instead of spending weeks in a hospital.  But that’s ancient history. 

Rather than reflect on past trauma, this day, or rather, this meeting was about taking steps towards a brighter future.  An XPro executive had put Hugo in touch with a publicity firm, “The Soo, Parr-Fish, Schall Firm”.  And there he sat, in the office of Ira Schall.  With his plaid sweater vest, thick horn rim glasses, permed hair, and red bow tie, he comes off looking more like an actuary or accountant than a publicist.   His assistant, the attractive olive skinned brunette in a power suit who refused to make eye contact with the XPro Main Eventer looked like someone who knows her way around social media, press releases, and building relationships with brands and news outlets.

In any case, Hugo Scorpio felt underdressed for the consultation in his t-shirt, jeans, and denim Sherpa jacket.  Ira Schall was click-click-clacking on his laptop keyboard as Hugo entered, even gave the HOW Second Chancer a greeting without looking away from the monitor but once that typing stopped, Ira looked up and Hugo and smiled unflinchingly at his disfigured visage.

 

IRA SCHALL: Apologies, Mister Scorpio, not the way I usually conduct my—-

HUGO SCORPIO: I’m gonna stop you right there, pal. Mister Scorpio is my father. He is a casually racist piece of shit so I would implore you to just call me Hugo.

IRA SCHALL: Yes, um, well, Hugo, I apologize.  I would have preferred that you did not catch me mid-e-mail as it were, but it has been one of those days.

HUGO SCORPIO:  Yeah, clients and money and such, sure.

IRA SCHALL: Let’s get down to brass tax.  Time is money and I would prefer not wasting either.  You signed a contract with the HOW and you want bolster your image.

HUGO SCORPIO:  This would be my second go ‘round in the High Octane Wrestlin’ and let’s just say that my first go ‘round was not what some would call memorable.  So, I’m figurin’, I gotta take advantage, work on a new image and such.  Now, Jimmy from XPro says you guys were the best at that kinda thing.

SCHALL’S ASSISTANT (to Ira Schall):  Wasn’t Jimmy the guy who was found naked in a zoo?

 

Ira Schall waved his assistant into silence.

 

IRA SCHALL: We have a wide variety of different services that we can offer you, depending on your circumstances and what you are looking for from us. Jimmy’s was an extreme circumstance, confidentiality agreements prohibit me from saying anything more than that.  Our clients’ privacy is among our top priorities..  Now, I have looked at your application, ran some background checks, and I think we have some really exciting ideas for you.

SCHALL’S ASSISTANT: A Hugo Scorpio no one has seen before.

HUGO SCORPIO: AlrightI’m ready for it.

IRA SCHALL:  We don’t think you should speak.

 

Ira Schall offered a proud, expectant grin.  He stared at Hugo expectantly as the XPro Main Event cocked an eyebrow and tilted his head looking as confused as an elderly man with dementia on New York City bus.

 

HUGO SCORPIO: What exactly do you mean that you don’t think I should speak?

SCHALL’S ASSISTANT: You come across as inarticulate.

HUGO SCORPIO:  Who you been talkin’ to?  That Vegas prostitute?  I told her it was the bourbon.  I still paid for her time.

SCHALL’S ASSISTANT:  Uneducated.

IRA SCHALL:  What my assistant is trying to say, is that with your physical attributes, that it might be wise to take advantage of that.  Make you more of a physical presence. A strong, silent type.

HUGO SCORPIO: That’s fuckin’ aces there, pal.  When Blaire Bare interviews, what, I’m just supposed to stand there my dick in my hand and my thumb up ass?  

IRA SCHALL: No, of course not.  We get you a….

SCHALL’S ASSISTANT: …an agent…

IRA SCHALL:  ….manager….

SCHALL’S ASSISTANT:  …valet…

IRA SCHALL:  …a mouthpiece.  Someone that can speak for you.  Someone who can really build you up to an audience.

HUGO SCOPRIO: A fuckin’….you are tryin’ to silence me, ain’t you?  Like I’m some chick with huge bazongas whose pervy boss squeezes them and yells “Honk! Honk!” before showin’ her his dick?  Now I know how Erin Bogdonavich felt.  

SCHALL’S ASSISTANT: That’s offensive.

HUGO SCORPIO: Apology accepted.

IRA SCHALL:  This is just a short term strategy. 

SCHALL’S ASSISTANT:  Until the audience can get past the….you know….

 

Schall’s Assistant, who had not even glanced at Hugo by this point, made a circular gesture with hand in the general direction of Hugo’s face.

 

IRA SCHALL:  She’s joking.

SCHALL’S ASSISTANT:  I’m not.  Are you against luchadore masks?

HUGO SCORPIO: Don’t body shame me!  

IRA SCHALL: She’s not.  We’re not.  She’s new. She’s still learning tact.  Just hear us out.  What about having a Hall of Famer as your manager?  Namely, the newly retired Jatt Starr—

HUGO SCORPIO:  Nope.  Fuck that guy.

IRA SCHALL: Why?

HUGO SCORPIO:  Because he’s a huge constipated prick.  He’d make it more about him than about me.  Hell, he wouldn’t make it about me at all.  This should be all about Hugo. 

IRA SCHALL:  That’s fair.  What about someone from Xpro?  We heard good things about, uhhhh….Dora?

SCHALL’S ASSISTANT, DORA:  Chick Raines.

HUGO SCORPIO:  Ain’t he like three feet tall?  One them elves?

SCHALL’S ASSISTANT, DORA:  You mean dwarves.

IRA SCHALL: Little person would be the acceptable term.

HUGO SCORPIO:  I’ve taken shits bigger than him.  Besides, speakin’ of shits, that little fucker don’t wash his hands after drainin’ the weasel, if ya catch my drift,  Fuckin’ nasty.

SCHALL’S ASSISTANT, DORA:  We do find that men tend to pay attention to attractive women.  Sunny O’Callahan, for example.

IRA SCHALL:  Bex Reed from XPro, she’s—-

HUGO SCOPRIO: —a fuckin’ bitch. You know she’s been shackin’ up with a meth dealer from Saskatchewan.  Or a moonshiner from Dog River. I dunno, some rednecky junkie fuck from Canada.  Never says fuckin’ thank you either.  Like I said, a fuckin’ bitch.  Look, I don’t need no mouthpiece, some fuckin’ nimrod I ain’t never before wearin’ a suit tellin’ people what I think and what I can or will do, it’s fuckin’ stupid.  The capabilities that I have to speak on the behalf of myself should be more than satisfactory for the HOW crowd.

IRA SCHALL:  Alright, let’s see what you got.  Your first match back, Round One of the Lee Best Invitational, you versus Teddy Palmer.  Talk to us like you are talking to Teddy Palmer.

HUGO SCORPIO: I can’t do that.

IRA SCHNALL:  Why not?

HUGO SCORPIO: Because your assistant is hot and you…..well….you know….

IRA SCHALL: What?

HUGO SCORPIO:  Aren’t you, ya know, Jewish?

IRA SCHALL: So?

HUGO SCORPIO:  I don’t wanna come across as Anti, whaddayacallit, Semantic.

IRA SCHNALL:  You mean, Anti-Semitic?

HUGO SCORPIO: Yeah, Semitic, whatever. 

IRA SCHALL:  Do you plan on insulting the Jewish faith or use any Jewish slurs or stereotypes?

HUGO SCORPIO:  No.  I got nothin’ but love for the Jewish faith.  I knew stripper that was Jewish. One of my good friends in Catholic school, he became Jewish.  To marry that stripper.  They met at his bachelor party.  His fiancee was fuckin’ pissed when he called it off.  But him and the stripper, they got three kids now.  Real happy.  Real, uh, meshugana.

IRA SCHALL:  Stop talking.  And don’t use Yiddish, it hurts my ears when you do. As far Anti-Semitism goes, I wouldn’t worry too much about it.

HUGO SCORPIO:  Unless you think I should.  I heard this really funny joke about a rabbi and Saint Peter walking into a schvitz, I could just replace the rabbi with Teddy—

IRA SCHALL:  Nope.  Just talk about him as an individual.  Just replacing his name in a joke that’s….hacky.  Very hacky.

SCHALL’S ASSISTANT, DORA: It would be like asking “Why did Teddy Palmer cross the road?”

HUGO SCORPIO:  That’s fuckin’ brilliant!  He was fuckin’ the chicken!  I’m usin’ that one.

IRA SCHALL:  No, we are illustrating a point.  If you honestly believe in your heart of hearts that you can properly convey to an audience and to your opponent what they are in for when taking you on, convince us without having to rely on changing decades old jokes around.

HUGO SCORPIO:  Is there anythin’ I need to know about this prick?

IRA SCHALL: He had an epic battle aboard a ship against Clay Byrd, he’s a former LSD Champion.

HUGO SCORPIO:  So, he’s fuckin’ legit, is what you’re sayin’.

IRA SCHALL:  He could be rusty, we don’t know.

SCHALL’S ASSISTANT, DORA:  And he allegedly has nine fingers.

HUGO SCORPIO: Ew!  Freak!  Fuckin’ genetical mutant fuck!

IRA SCHALL: It was cut off, he wasn’t born with nine fingers or anything like that. In fact, I believe it was just the tip of the finger that he lost.

HUGO SCORPIO:  Why didn’t you lead with that shit?  You have me thinkin’ I’m about to square off against fuckin’ Kuato over here!  But I think….uh….yeah, I think I can work with that.

IRA SCHALL: The floor is yours.

 

Hugo Scorpio rose from his chair and began mumbling what appeared to be “Peter picked a peck of pickled peppers” several times before looking at Ira Schall with as much intensity as he could muster.

 

HUGO SCORPIO: TEDDY PALMER!  YOU MOTHERFUCKER!  I AM GONNA SLASH YOUR DICK OFF LIKE IT WAS YOUR FUCKIN’ PINKY…OR INDEX FINGER….WHATEVER FUCKIN’ FINGER IT WAS, I GONNA CHOP OFF YOUR—-

IRA SCHALL:  Stop.

HUGO SCORPIO:  What?  Was it too intense?

IRA SCHALL:  No.  Dora, any notes?

SCHALL’S ASSISTANT DORA:  Do you actually plan on chopping off Teddy Palmer’s penis? 

HUGO SCORPIO: Well, no, it’s more a, whaddacallit, expression.  Choppin’ off a dude’s schlong, that’s pretty fucked up.

IRA SCHALL: I think if you are going to threaten someone, maybe make the threat more realistic.  Something that you would actually do.

HUGO SCORPIO: I just went with the choppin’ off the dick thing because no one wants to have their dick chopped off.  It’s got one of them psychtropical responses when you  like see a guy leap onto a bull but get pierced in the wang by the bullhorns and you almost feel it?  Fuckin’ youtube.

IRA SCHALL:  Can we move past the pecker amputation and try again, please?  Let’s avoid genitalia as a whole, shall we?

HUGO SCORPIO:  Fine.  Okay.

 

Hugo Scorpio cleared his throat and closed his eyes.  He began reciting how he is the very model of a modern major general before he slapped and shook his face.

 

HUGO SCORPIO:  Teddy Palmer.  Teddy Fuckin’ Palmer.  You know somethin’ Teddy, it’s only fittin’ that your initials are “T.P.” because come “Chaos”, I’m gonna wipe my ass with you.  And it’s gonna be reeeeeeeeeaaaaaaaaal filthy, you motherfucking piece of shit. 

IRA SCHALL: Stop.  Dora?

SCHALL’S ASSISTANT, DORA: At least you aren’t mentioning his penis.  But know when to stop.

IRA SCHALL:  Agreed.  A slight improvement but mentioning how filthy it could be, that’s maybe a smidge too much.

HUGO SCORPIO:  Really?  I was feelin’ pretty good about that one.

IRA SCHALL: Look, this is clearly not something we will be able to settle today.  Continue to work on it.  Have you thought about music and ring gear?

HUGO SCORPIO: Nooooooo…..

IRA SCHALL: What about…a color scheme? 

HUGO SCORPIO:  I dunno.  I’ve always been partial to blue and orange.

SCHALL’S ASSISTANT, DORA:  Oh.  No.  Orange?  Gross.  Acid greens, cherry reds, lilac pastels, royal blues.  Those are the trending colors for spring.

IRA SCHALL:  Charcoal gray, always a classic and on trend.

SCHALL’S ASSISTANT, DORA:  Def.

HUGO SCORPIO:  What the fuck do I know about trendin’ colors?  I wouldn’t know the the fuckin’ difference between acid green and puke green.

IRA SCHALL:  Look, if I’m being honest here, we have our work cut out for us.  You let us do our thing.  We will come up with a great color scheme for you, a fantastic logo—-

HUGO SCOPRIO:  Just no fuckin’ scorpions.

SCHALL’S ASSISTANT, DORA:  But….your name is….”Scorpio”. 

HUGO SCORPIO: Exactly.  It’s too obvious.  

IRA SCHALL: I am inclined to agree.

HUGO SCORPIO: See, I got this, I dunno, i guess you could call it a nickname or, as the French say “the name the plum”, rattlin’ around in my head that I’m pretty stoked about.

IRA SCHALL:  Let’s hear it.

HUGO SCORPIO:  “The Hallmark” Hugo Scorpio.

IRA SCHALL: You know what I think of when I hear “Hallmark”?

HUGO SCORPIO:  Hugo Fuckin’ Scorpio!

IRA SCHALL: Greeting cards.

SCHALL’S ASSISTANT, DORA:  Christmas movies about some cold hearted big city woman who goes back to the town where she grew up, Hollyville, Christmastown, Reindeer Junction, and falls in love with the local handyman while trying to save the Christmas Tree Farm.  Sappy, manipulative garbage.

IRA SCHALL: Exactly.

HUGO SCORPIO: So, what I’m gatherin’ here is that all my ideas fuckin’ suck.

IRA SCHALL:  No!  You have given us great starting points.  Here’s what I want you to do, go back home, listen to some music, get some practice with…what’s the term they use….

HUGO SCORPIO: Jerking off?

IRA SCHALL:  ….”cutting promos”.

HUGO SCORPIO:  Exactly what I said.

IRA SCHALL:  In the meantime, my team and I will brainstorm some different strategies, we will meet back here in a couple of days and let’s see what have come up with.

HUGO SCORPIO: So that’s it then?

IRA SCHALL: For now. Unless you have something else you want to propose.

HUGO SCORPIO: How about this?  Why did Teddy Palmer cross the road?

IRA SCHALL:  I think we’re done here. It was a pleasure meeting you, Mister Scorpio.  We’ll be in touch.  Dora, show our guest out.

 

Without looking, Dora pointed towards the door.

 

SCHALL’S ASSISTANT, DORA: There’s the door.

HUGO SCORPIO: Oh. Well, I guess that’s that then.

 

The self-proclaimed Hallmark rose from his chair and without saying a word, exited the room and into the outer office.  As he walked down the corridor towards the elevator, he pondered the advice of his newly hired publicist.  Was orange and blue a bad color combination?  It’s worked for the Islanders, Mets, and Knicks for years.  Although, when was the last time any of those teams won a championship?  Mets, 1986.  Islanders, 1983.  Knicks, 1973. Maybe they were cursed colors.  Maybe they aren’t loser franchises, maybe they are just victims of poor team colors.  Or maybe it’s both.  And maybe, Ira Schall and his secretary were right, maybe those colors suck and wearing them will mean doom for him, i.e. losing to Teddy Palmer.

On the other hand, people scoffed when Hugo started showing up in XPro Main Events, he wore orange and blue on one of those occasions….he thought.  So maybe he was just the guy to bring respectability to those colors.

….provided Ira and Dora don’t fight him on it.