MERCDUDE

MERCDUDE

Posted on November 17, 2022 at 8:59 pm by Steve Solex

“Ho…how’s it g….going, Steve?” Frank asks, stammering and stuttering.

Solex has been staying in his former neighbor’s house for a few weeks now, only really leaving the couch to go to shows. Steve’s unkempt hair and unshaven beard are just a couple of the signs of his new found laziness.

“It’s goin’ bud!” Solex shouts back in response as he kicks his feet up onto the oak coffee table in front of him.

Mud breaks free from his boots and lands right on the freshly Pine-Sol’d wooden finish.  Frank closes his eyes and takes in a deep breath.  Solex adjusts his crotch and pulls his tan robe over his bare chest.

“Wah…well…we…we…” Frank can’t get the words out.

In an attempt to hide his nervousness, Frank shoves his hands into his pockets and begins kicking around phantom rocks in front of his feet.

“Tuh…tuh…today junya!” Solex shouts out with a shit eating grin.

Frank’s nervous laugh makes Solex burst out in laughter.  The HOTv Tag Team Champion jumps up to his feet and slaps Frank on the shoulder, who just continues to stare down at the tan carpet beneath him.

“What is it, Frank? You can tell me,” Solex says with the fakest of smiles on his face.

Frank musters up what little confidence he has and looks Solex in his eyes.

“It’s just that….well, you were only supposed to be staying here for a weekend, and it’s been three weeks now,” Frank whispers, trying not to stir up any kind of trouble with the MERCDAD.

Solex drops his hand from Frank’s shoulder and holds them out to his sides.

“What do you mean, bro? You said I could stay as long as I needed.  And so far…I’ve needed three weeks, dude,” Solex says, in what sounds like a surfer’s accent.

“Yeah, but…”

Just as Frank begins to speak, the sound of high heels stepping through the hardwood floors in the hallway is heard.  A twenty-something blonde, wearing only a long t-shirt steps into the hallway.  She seems confused as Solex reaches over and pulls Frank over to his side with his arm around his shoulder. The two admire the hot young woman as she leans against the wall under the hallway entrance.

She bites her bottom lip and smiles as the two continue to stare.

“What?” She asks softly as she tucks her hair back behind her ear.

Solex looks over at Frank who he’s pulled in tightly.

“Ever seen anything like it? Huh?” Solex says jokingly before letting go of Frank and strutting over to the woman.

Solex plants kiss on her and dips her back.  She springs back up and slaps him on the chest.

“I’m not wearing any underwear!” She shouts out playfully.

The two look over at Frank who is bright red. Solex laughs hysterically and points at his former neighbor.

“Look at him! Fuckin’ ninety-seven red, bro!” Solex continues to laugh.

“He looks like Scott Stevens at an all the dick you can eat buffet!” Solex continues to laugh and now the girl has joined in as well.

“Who’s Scott Stevens?” The woman asks.

Solex shakes his head and walks over to the front of the couch.  Frank has now buried his head in his hands out of frustration that he lost control of the situation.

“Sit!” Solex says to the woman as he points to the couch.

She stomps across the room and plops down on the couch, and just as she does…

“What the heck is going on in here, Frank!”

Everyone’s necks snap toward the front door. Frank’s big, red haired wife stands in the entryway of the house, blocking out the sun almost entirely.  A brown bag of groceries drops from her grasp and down to the floor.  A few celery stalks and heads of broccoli shoot out of the bag, but no one is paying attention.  

They are all staring at her.

“What is he still doing here?! And who’s she!? Just what in the good-gosh-golly is going on!?”

“Suzy!” Solex says, that stoner-surfer voice making its return.

She looks Solex dead in the eye as he approaches with his arms out for a hug.

“It’s Diane!”

She seethes as he continues to approach, a big dumb smile on his face.

“Honey!” Frank shouts, getting in between Solex and his wife.

“Nothing, sweety,” Frank says, his voice still shaky.

She looks past Frank and at Solex.

“I want you ouwwwww….,” she starts, but is immediately cut off as Solex’s index finger mushes her lips back up against her face.

“Shhhhhhhhhhhhh.”

Solex tries to calm the beastly woman, and momentarily it seems to have worked.

“Suzy,” he says.

“Diane,” she corrects him again, this time at a lower volume.

“Diane, I don’t have the emotional storage for any kind of bad news. Please, just let me and my…uh…date stay here for just a few days.  I have a match this weekend and it should give me enough money to get a place of my own. Especially if I win,” Solex explains, his finger still pressed against her lips, smearing her red lipstick onto her cheek.

“Win?” She asks, sarcastically as she pushes his finger away from his face.

“Win? You really think you have a chance at beating those two? You and that Miracle Turd don’t have a chance,” she says emphatically.

Diane shoves her husband out of her way and gets face to face with Solex. She puts her index finger right in the middle of his chest.

“You don’t have a chance in hell!” She says, jamming her finger into his chest.

“A chance in hell? Are you kidding me lady? How many times do I have to beat Scott Stevens to prove that he doesn’t belong in HOW? Fuckin’ Demi-god, Demo-god, GOD of HOW…this guy has about as much character as that little bimbo on the couch,” he says, pointing a finger at the girl on the couch.

“Excuse me?” She sasses in response.

Solex turns back to look at the girl.

“Oh, no. Not you sweetie, I was pointing at Frank,” he says, lying through his teeth.

“Oh. Ok then!” She says, duped as all get out.

Solex sends her a half smile and then turns back to the fiery beast.

“I’ve beaten Scott Stevens more times than times than the Eagles have beaten the Texans. I’ve been whoopin’ that sorry little fucker’s for more than a decade…and of course, he’s back for me.”

“No chance in hell,” Solex mocks.

“Fuck outta’ here.  Stevens can change characters like Clark Kent in a fuckin’ phone booth and it won’t change a thing.  He’ll still be weak, he’ll still be the same sorry fucker that Jace’s ex-wife violated in front of millions of people. 

Speaking of that thirsty bitch, Jace Parker Davidon. You can’t be serious right now. Don’t have a chance in hell? I’d put that slutty little toehead on the couch over there…”

“Huh?”

“Not you sweetheart.”

“Oh, ok.”

“And put her in the ring with JPD and watch her pin his shoulders to the mat without breaking a fuckin’ nail. He’s the fuckin’ LSD Champion, only he’s propped up by The Board…or the artist formerly known as The Board. Or whatever the fuck they are now. He hasn’t beat anyone.

I mean…he beat Scott Stevens…but, that hasn’t meant a fuckin’ thing since 2012

He’s a fuckin’ fake. And after I destroy his punk ass this weekend, I’ll do it all over again at ICONIC.”

“Ya’ think so, do ya’?” She says, not convinced by the sermon that Solex just gave her.

“I fuckin’ know so,” he whispers back.

“Frank, get your wife!” Solex shouts, staring Frank’s wife right in the eyes.

Frank stumbles over and breaks the two up, once more. Solex turns away and saunters back over to the couch. He sits next to the woman and she nestles into him.

“So, who’s Scott Stevens?”

The scene fades to black.