Maybe this is better than “2xtreme”, but I don’t know

Maybe this is better than “2xtreme”, but I don’t know

Posted on November 24, 2020 at 11:17 pm by Jatt Starr

“Famous quote here.”

——  Somebody Famous


:::SCENE:  The moderately priced hotel room of Jatt Starr.   A rather anxious Sovereign of Starrgentina is pacing in his hotel room.  The television is playing “King of Queens”.  The audience track is heard after another Arthur tantrum, but there is no laughter in the hotel room.  The King of Grapple from the Big Apple is muttering to himself as he continues to wear on the carpeting with each step of his black Adidas sneakers with white striping.


The Sultan of SeaJattle is sporting khakis and t-shirt, this particular article of clothing is black with white lettering that reads “The Last House on the Left” in bold letters.


There is a knock, knock, knocking on the hotel room door.   


The Marquis of MadagaStarr walks quickly to the door and opens it.  The sees the figure in the hall, he does an about face, the look of disappointment on his face is apparent as he leads Hugo Scorpio into the room.::::


JATT STARR:  Where’s John?


HUGO:  It’s two a.m..


::::Hugo Scorpio wearing green and cream flannel pajamas and leather slippers.  He yawns as he enters the room.  The door closing behind him.::::


HUGO:  Why am I here at two a.m.?


JATT STARR:  You’re here because John has not returned any of my calls or texts.


HUGO:  You are aware that I am off the clock from twelve-thirty to seven, right?


JATT STARR:  I’m sorry, are you looking for a new job?


HUGO:  No.


JATT STARR:  Then you come when called.


::::Jatt Starr continues pacing in his room.  Hugo pulls the office chair from the desk closes to the door.::::


JATT STARR:  Did I say you could sit?


::::Hugo can respond in the only way he can under the circumstances — with a resigned sigh as he rises from the chair.:::


JATT STARR:  Where’s John?


HUGO:  I don’t know.  Maybe he’s in his room?  


JATT STARR:  He’s not returning my calls!  Does he not know I am in a moment of crisis?!


HUGO:  Maybe he’s still out with Steve.


::::The Jattsylvanian Count stops pacing and whips his head around towards Hugo.  Jatt Starr’s lips purse and his eyes narrow suspiciously.::::


JATT STARR:  Steve?  Solex?


HUGO:  Yeah, they went out earlier.


JATT STARR:  And he didn’t tell me?


::::The Earl of GlouStarr stops, puts his hands on his hips, and looks up towards the ceiling. 


HUGO:  Look, Jatt, I don’t know.  Can I go back to bed now?




HUGO:  What’s going on?


JATT STARR:  I had another vision.  Do you know where they went?


HUGO:  Who?


JATT STARR:  Sektor and Solex.


HUGO:  Drinking?




HUGO:  That’s where people usually gather and drink.


JATT STARR:  Don’t give me any of your guff.


HUGO:  “Guff”?


JATT STARR:  Yeah, guff.  Insolence.  Did they tell you what bar?


HUGO:  Mister Sektor doesn’t tell me shit and Solex is a scary dude.


JATT STARR:  You’re like six-seven and built like a truck.


HUGO:  And Solex looks like he will murder my parents and beat my sister to death before shoving a family sized can of cream of celery soup up my ass while “Goodbye Horses” plays in the background if I so much as look at him wrong.


JATT STARR:  And you think I won’t?


HUGO:  No, you won’t.


::::Jatt Starr lets out an irritated “hmph” before turning his back on Hugo, who may or may not end up unemployed by dawn.   He cannot be distracted by the absence of Sektor.  He needs a sounding board when discussing the latest word from the HOW gods.::::


JATT STARR:  The gods of the HOW, they are testing me again.  I am being forced to team with Mike Best, the man that stabbed—.  They didn’t give you any indication where they went?


HUGO:  No.


JATT STARR:  It’s just not right sharing my visions with someone not named John Sektor.  


HUGO:  Okay.  Can I go now?


JATT STARR:  No.  Go to Sektor’s room and knock on his door.


HUGO:  Can I go back to my room if I get him in here?


JATT STARR:  I suppose.


HUGO:  I’m on my way.


::::Hugo turns around and exits the room.  He stops at the door directly across from Jatt Starr’s.  As the door closes, Hugo begins knocking and kicking at the door while screaming “EEEEEEE-YAAAAAAAAAAH!” at the top of his lungs.  The closed door is ineffective in masking the highly annoying and booming scream.   Moments pass before the screaming subsides and faint sound of Sektor admonishing his disfigured employee for disturbing him.  What was actually said was inaudible.  After John Sektor’s rants subside there is a pounding on Jatt Starr’s door.  The Starrcelona Icon opens the door.  Standing in the doorway in nothing but boxers and a robe is John Sektor.  The Gold Standard’s face is red (almost verging into purple territory), he grits his teeth as he stares down the Jattinum Standard.::::


JATT STARR:  John!  Finally!  The gods, they are testing me!  I am being forced to team with Mike Best!!  You know my history with him!  I—-


SEKTOR:  What.  The.  Actual.  FUCK!


JATT STARR:  I know you’re mad, but the gods gave me another vision! 




JATT STARR:  It’s very important to talk through the meaning behind it.




JATT STARR:  Maybe if I were Steve Solex, you’d come running.


SEKTOR:  What does Steve have to do with this?


JATT STARR:  Nothing!  You just went out for drinks with him and where was I?  Here!  By myself!


SEKTOR:  Dios Mio!  What?  I need your permission to hang out with Steve now?


JATT STARR:  You seem to be pretty chummy with that chaufferistic pig as of late.  


SEKTOR:  Oh, come on!


JATT STARR:  And then there’s that whole “Freebird” rule thing.  What am I supposed to think?


SEKTOR:  You’re being fucking ridiculous right now.


JATT STARR:  Don’t call me ridiculous!


SEKTOR:  Steve an’ me are  just friends!


JATT STARR:  And we’re supposed to be brothers.  “Bros before hoes” and all that!


SEKTOR:  What the fuck is that supposed to mean?  How is Steve a….do you know what a “Hoe” is?


JATT STARR:  It means homewrecker, right?


SEKTOR:  Oh, fuck Jatt.  


::::Sektor grabs his moustache and looks up at the ceiling.  He takes a calming breath before chuckling.  It’s the type of laugh you hear when someone tells a bad joke.  It’s not funny per se but you cannot help but to laugh at how stupid it is.  The bottomline, Jatt has his back, one hundred percent.  There’s no denying that level of loyalty.  For his part, Jatt Starr is looking at Sektor, expectantly, waiting for a response.  The Saviour of Starrkham trusts Sektor and perhaps realizes that that maybe, just maybe, his focus on the visions of Max, bestowed upon him by the HOW gods, has gotten him a touch rattled and a bit oversensitive.:::


SEKTOR:  After our plans got changed for next week, I just needed to unwind, you know, knock a few back.  I happened to run into Steve in the lobby.  That’s it!  You are making it way more than it is!


::::The Jattlantic City Idol briefly considers this and then stretches his arms out, Sektor furrows his brow as his tag team partner comes in for a hug.  Sektor, for his part, takes a step backward, really not feeling that this is one of those touchy feely moments.  He brings up a defensive finger.::::




JATT STARR:  Come on!  I know what’s happening.


::::The Baron of Boca Jatton wraps his arms around Sektor and clutches him in a brotherly bear hug.  Sektor’s eyes widen and look towards Jatt Starr in what can only be described as disgust.::::


JATT STARR:  Don’t worry.  Mike Best is only teaming with me for one match.  You and I?  We’re still the HOW Tag Team Champions.  You, John, are my tag team partner, don’t ever question that.  


SEKTOR:  Can you not talk about this shit while hugging me?


::::The Champion of Jattanooga releases Sektor who backs away perhaps subconsciously.:::


JATT STARR:  What we have, John, is cohesion and friendship.  You and I both know I will never have that with Mike.


SEKTOR:  And what we have to do is put a fucking pin in this til mornin’.  


JATT STARR:  What?  You got another one of your dime store trollops in your room?


SEKTOR:  Not anymore.


JATT STARR:  Then you have time!  


SEKTOR:  I’m losin’ my buzz, amigo.  


JATT STARR:  Then get high on the word of the HOW gods.  Max has potentially, probably revealed their plan for me this week!


SEKTOR:  Ah, fuck.


JATT STARR:  It’s no secret that Mike Best is the HOW gods’ Chosen One.  Their Champion.  They are testing me.  They know our history.  They want to make sure that I have completely let go of the past!   They need me to prove my worth!  What better way than forcing me to team up with my former mortal enemy?


SEKTOR:  Lee’s got a plan.  That’s the only reason.  Lee might be blind but his mind is always fuckin’ goin’.


:::The Jattlantic City Idol condescendingly shakes his head at Sektor like a teacher whose student has just provided the world’s worst answer to the world’s easiest question.:::


JATT STARR:  His plan is secondary to the gods’.   This match isn’t about Daniel Ryan or Doozer, that crazy son of a gun or even about ICONIC.  Max said that if I am to complete my next trial, I am to make peace with Ol’ Mikey.  I am to make peace with a psychotic, coked out, murderer, justified as it may have been.   Ultimately, it means not completely flipping out on him during our match.  On the other side, there’s Doozer!  Doozer’s our broth—, no, he’s our friend!  No, no, we don’t know him that well.  He’s one of the other guys in our alliance!


SEKTOR:  Okay, you know—


JATT STARR:  And then there’s Dan Ryan!  Danny Boy and us should be, what’s it the kids say, “besties”?


SEKTOR:  I thought only teenage girls said that.


JATT STARR:  Don’t be gender biased.


SEKTOR:  I’m just sayin’.


JATT STARR:  Dan the Man crushed Mikey’s coke whore at Rumble at the Rock.  I’m supposed to go at him with the fury of a thousand octopi?  


:::Sektor blinks at Jatt Starr, not quite getting the reference.  Perhaps it is just fatigue or perhaps the Jattvian Prince of Polka is just an idiot.  Either way, he ponders how to get out of this situation. Meanwhile, the Sultan of SeaJattle just continues, oblivious to Sektor’s current state of befuddlement.:::


JATT STARR:  I should be knocking back a Shirley Temple or two with Dan, picking his brain on the best way to break Lindsay Troy, not trying to eviscerate him!


SEKTOR:  You know what?  


JATT STARR:  I know what you’re going to say.  “The HOW gods work in the most enematic of ways”.  


SEKTOR:  That wasn’t exactly what I was going—


JATT STARR:  You’re absolutely right, I should just trust in the gods that they know best and suck it up and repress all of the negative thoughts I have towards Mikey and focus on winning, winning, winning!   Do you think the reason the gods placed me into this match is because I could be like a power vacuum and suck all of Michael Best’s otherworldly strength and ability from him?   Could it be the gods that blessed me with being a, dare I say, power vampire?




JATT STARR:  Why not?  It’s only one of my many theories that might make sense.  


SEKTOR:  I can’t do this right now.  To be continued.


::::Sektor turns towards the door and reaches for the door knob.:::


JATT STARR:  John!  Buddy!  Wait!!!


::::Sektor ignores the Starrabian Knight’s pleas to stay and leaves the room.  The Ruler of Jattlantis looks stunned and perhaps a little disappointed.:::


JATT STARR:  No, no.  You go!  It’s clear that you don’t understand my powers!  Its okay!  I love ya anyway, bro!


::::Jatt Starr turns towards the television and then back to the door.::::


JATT STARR:  —In a Sam and Dean Winchester kind of way!!!  


::::The King of Grapple from the Big Apple turns back to the TV and looks at Carrie Heffernan yelling at Doug and shrugs.  He sits on the foot of the bed and just watches “King of Queens” as the scene ends.::::