Lucy in the Sky with Kaelmonds

Lucy in the Sky with Kaelmonds

Posted on February 19, 2020 at 11:47 pm by The Minister

Arkham had a strange curse about it where no matter how new or how well kept a structure was it grew old prematurely, easing into a place just on the edge of livable. Wood withered and stained dark blotchy browns or grew sallow with a pale green hue. Windows pitted and stained, hinges always creaked, floorboards always complained. The whole city seemed to be a tired old man grinding through its day out of spite more than necessity. 


The Kael Estate had been rebuilt in 2013 after being burnt down the year before by Max himself. The new home had been given a slightly more modern remake, clean angles and designs made by Elenore herself. Just seven years later and the house looked like it had stood for a hundred. The walls were stained where the pipes had leaked into them from rusted seals. The carpets were molded and eaten away in places by moths. Rats had their run of the estate and shamelessly patrolled the halls. 


One room stood out against the rest of the house, the living room where Max’s special chamber had been built. It alone existed with the sole purpose of maintaining Max’s life, to keep the world outside, the house that Max had built, could kill him.


Would kill him. 


He loathed that he was stuck here as his lungs and mouth healed. His doctors had insisted he use the mask as sparingly as possible and so here he was. 


The Lord Supreme Dictator. 


On house arrest. 


His blue eye had been stuck glaring out the hermetically sealed window of his living room at the world outside. How fucking lucky for them all to be out there breathing the carbon polluted air, inbibing in their plastic riddled water, choking down those green house gases! 


It should be Max. Nobody else enjoyed them quite as much as he did, nobody enjoyed poisoning their entire body as much as the Lord Supreme Dictator of High Octane Wrestling. 


The Industry did that to him. 


High Flyer did that to him. 


That stupid fucking dumpster fire. 


But he had a plan. He had a plan to solve all of his immediate problems on his quest to face down the monster of the week.. Brenton Cross, mother fucking time traveler and apparent Arch Nemesis Max often didn’t think about. Of all the matches he was to have in the LBI this was the one he was most concerned about. This was the one that filled him with the most dread..


And now it was for his LSD Championship.


The same title he had just defended last week against Average Joe Bergman. Against a man who worked for the future government maybe and possibly had time travel but who knows for sure right? 


Max Kael knows. 


Brenton Cross fucked up last time and Max Kael got his hands on the secret of Time Travel, a weapon, much like Grand-Moff Tarkin, he tested on the small, defenseless planet known as Darin Zion. Now he goes by Darin Matthews. 


This shit is legit. 


But that kind of power can’t be used frivolously as it can cause considerable damage to the timeline. Did you know that Max Kael used to be black? Neither did I, nobody does, its possible Max Kael accidentally erased that aspect of himself two months ago when he used time travel to return a RedBox DVD before 9pm because he thinks Blockbuster rules apply. 


So he sent it far away from himself, to a place where it would be safely stored until such a time as it was needed again. A time when it was a matter of life.. Or death. Or possibly losing in an LBI which is basically like.. Or death..


Now add on that his LSD Championship was on the line again and now it wasn’t just .. or death.. It was many times ..worse than death… 


He called it in. He called his prized stolen gimmick to battle the only other man in High Octane Wrestling with verifiable Time Travel Powers including time travel based attacks. 


Max’s final LBI opponent, Brenton “Mother fucking Time Travel” Cross.


His hateful blue eye caught a black Audi turn down the street and head toward the Estate. He felt his upper lip twitch as his tongue slithered out and moistened his bottom lip. His fingers twitched excitedly as his heart began to pump. The sanitary taste of the air, the absence of anything, caused Max to grow even more anxious for his prize to arrive..


Turning away from the window Max scurried to the large glass wall that cut his room in half. He pressed his hands up against the glass before his forehead hit it with a soft, weirdly heavy clank. His breathing spread steam across the surface of the glass giving Max the look of an impatient bull. His fingertips slowly slide down the glass making a squeaking noise as they did so until the door opened.




Max’s voice was horse but the glee was obvious. He snapped away from the glass and proudly marched into the center of his room where he sat down on a sofa, his eye pointed straight forward. His knees bounced up and down as mirth induced giggles bubbled up from his throat. This was perhaps the most excited he had been in months. 


“Lord Supreme Dictator?” Captain Kun’s bored voice called out from behind the glass.


“Why yes, Captain Kun, what ever is it?!” Max replied in the coyest of voices. He might as well have put a finger on his chin and batted his eyelashes.. Or possibly just blinked rapidly. Instead his head turned very sharply in the direction of Captain Kun, his blue eye slowly rolling into place.

The Captain sighed and stepped to the side as two North Kaelrean soldiers stepped forward holding a large metal case. It was placed into a small chamber connected to Max’s own, sterilized and then slipped onto the other side of the wall. 


“A box for little old meee?” Max said as he scampered up to his feet, his hands reaching out greedily as he slithered across the room to where the metal case had been placed. His lips pulled up into a scar riddled grin, his metal teeth glimmering behind the damaged lips. 


“What is this thing you have sent my men to fetch, sir?” Captain Kun asked in an annoyed tone. 


“You know I’ve just been sitting here this whole time being a big titty baby Captain Kun. I’ve been over here crying about my hard times when really it’s always been in my power to make personal change and growth, you know?” The High Octane Hall of Famer said as he pulled the case into the center of the room before standing over it with his hands resting on his hips. “You know I’ve been so worried about dying that I forgot I’m the Lord Supreme Dictator, I’m Maximillian Wilhelm Kael, I’m a bad guy, the villain, the fuck do I care about the repercussions of my actions? It’s time to do something about it.. About all of it. And It’s going to start Right. Mother-fucking! NO-”


Before Max could finish his phone erupted in a series of annoying little blips. Max’s face dropped as his blue eye sank to the floor in confusion. 


“’s.. Doing it again. Where is it?!” Max snarled as he turned away from the metal case and quickly started to scamper around the room looking for the source of the beeping. 


“Sir? What is that?” the Captain signed as he rolled his eyes. He knew the answer roughly half way through asking the very short question. Captain Kun adored the Supreme Leader Kim Jung Un but Max Kael? Never meet your heroes they say. 


That was one of several cliques Max lived up to. 


“The laymen might call it a phone, Cecilworth calls it the Voicy Bois. Whenever they want to plan something out if we’re not together we talk on the Voicy Bois. I think it has some kind of weird code system cause I keep asking questions and it just beeps back at me and I see text pop up but then it’s gone and nobody.. Nobody ever says anything. Just beeps. It’s very confusing, honestly, it makes me want to cry or… watch kids fall of bikes.” 


“Is this some kind of joke?” Kun balked at Max’s severe lack of understanding of modern technology. It almost didn’t seem real, like Max just wasn’t really.. There. 


“No you’re right, I’d probably watch kids falling of bikes even if I wasn’t angry and confused. Anyway, found it!” Max hissed as he stood up, scampering over to the case once again.  Max looked down at his phone as he saw various messages flash by too quickly to read any of them fully. Giving up on trying he just shoved his phone into his pocket as deep as he could and continued. “Alrighty Captain Kun.. a few months ago do you recall the incident involving the American who got captured back in North Korea?”

The good Captain looked thoughtful for a moment before shaking his head.

“Well this guy, Brenton Cross, he works for the government, either right now or maybe some time in the future? Anyway, apparently according to sources close to the situation, he managed to sneak into North Korea in an attempt to steal information on me. Turns out I end up causing the start of a massive international War. But it’s okay because I end up with the LSD Championship until Scottywood, the future President of the United States, launches a thermal nuclear warhead at North Korea blowing the entire county into ash.” Max snapped the locks off the metal canister as his head snapped toward Captain Kun, his blue eye lurking deep beneath his heavy brow. “..Pretty cool huh?”


“No. Not that doesn’t sound pretty cool.” the Captain said in a rather displeased tone. He wanted to leave but at this point the curiosity had gotten the better of him. He wanted to see what was in the box now, he wanted to see what had been worth all the effort to have brought up from the Warehouse. 


The case’s lid pulled up and away as the rest of the box hissed open, a plume of smoke rising up and engulfing Max in a chilly cloud. Through the obscuring mist Max’s low gurgling giggle could be heard. Max’s shadow swam through the mist before he appeared once again before Captain Kun, his right hand covered in Mike Best’s OCW Hall of Fame Infinity Gauntlet. Clenching it in the air Max’s lips parted into a damaged smile. 


“..the Power of time.. Within my hand..”










A large chair sits before the camera, a heavy dark oak chair with high back sporting a central #97red velvet pillow that matched the cushion at the seat. The sound of heavy footfalls echo off screen before Maximillian Wilhelm Kael, with the LSD Championship slung over his shoulder appears. 


“Brenton Cross, old friend of mine. We meet again this Saturday and once again you’re getting a shot at my LSD Championship, my title as the Lord Supreme Dictator. I don’t know what your game is, Cross, and I don’t know how it is you managed to get another shot at something you have no right to. The last time we faced each other I let you walk away because what I took from you made me even more powerful. And what did I take from you?”

Max smiled at the screen as he took a seat on the chair. 


“Oh you dipshit, you have no IDEA what you’ve let him do.” 


Max’s voice called out but.. It wasn’t Max. It was different, louder, more abrasive. Vastly more cocky. Sauntering into frame was Max Best, sporting both of his eyes and a #97red three piece suit. 


“This magnificent fuck decided since you wanted to try and fuck with one of us you might as well get to fuck with all of us. And while I am somewhat disappointed to hear that I don’t end up killing Mike Best and eating his heart so that Lee Best finally gives me a hug that doesn’t involve me having to pay him fifty bucks never comes true I’m cool with making sure I break your fucking neck you limp dick fuck stick.” Max Best said in a dismissive tone before spitting on the ground. He chuckled to himself and turned to the Lord Supreme Dictator for approval.


Maxmillian Wilhelm Kael winced slightly before flashing a consolatory thumbs up before turning back toward the camera.


“He’s great once you get to know him. He becomes more Bro-sentric later, it’s really adorable I’m told. He’s still dangerous as fuck Brenton Cross, because it’s one more of ME you have to deal with. It’s one more mind working out how to beat you in the ring, how to rid you of my timeline and ensure the legacy of Maxmillian Wilhelm Kael across all time.. As the greatest and longest running LSD Champion of all time.. Timelord bullshit won’t have shit on me.. Heh-heh..”


Max’s fingers tightened around the LSD championship as his expression wandered between lucid and lost in a river of bright colors. 


“..or us..”


A thin face slowly filled the frame as two dark, dirty bloodshot eyes stared out into the universe. Hate roiled the Minister’s brow as bushy eyebrows were pushed downward at a perilous angle. A large vein forked it’s way through his forehead terminating in a tangle of damp, wild hair. It was Max but.. Feral..


His frame was thin, his posture hunched and twisted at painful angles when he moved too quickly. His face was pale, dark circles were entrenched beneath his eyes while sharp cheekbones cut across his face. Yellowed rotten teeth peek out from behind dried, chapped lips. He slipped back and knelt at the side of the Lord Supreme Dictator, looking up for the one thing he desired most, approval. 


Max patted the Minister on the head and turned his blue eye forward as a smile stretched broadly across his face.


“Three of me.. Against one of you.. You will never be LSD Champion.. And you will not stop me from claiming what is rightfully mine, victory over this accursed LBI Group! My name is Maximillian Kael, FIRST of my NAME!…”


Max took in a deep breath as his chest puffed out. He smirked down at the camera, staring down at it in silence. After a solid ten seconds Max signs, his shoulders dropping. He glares at both other iterations of himself.


“Long may he Maim.. or.. Long.. Long May we Maim?” Max snarled as he stood up from his chair. Frustration caused a bloom of red to explode across his face. “..Long May Us Maim.. no.. no..”