In all my years on this Earth there are a few things that have stuck with me throughout. Experiences that have turned into what Mama Dean likes to call, “life lessons.” Most of them I wouldn’t wish to repeat, as they don’t paint me in the best light. Like the number of illegitimate children I’ve fathered throughout the years. Life Lesson, use a condom.
Some of them I wouldn’t want to admit to aloud, due to the overwhelming shame I feel just thinking about them. I listed an example but even that made me cringe, and delete to avoid the stink Bobbinette Carey was sure to raise.
Today I can add three more Life Lessons to the list.
1st. Don’t eat Maine Lobster Bisque from the grocery store, especially when it requires you to first nuke it in the microwave for four minutes. Why? Because I’ve spent the last forty minutes with firey liquid shit shooting out of me like a fucking water gun. And I’m not talking about those dollar store pieces of shit. I’m talking about that heavy duty super soaker with three barrels that requires you to wear a backpack full of water.
I know, I know, I should have known better. Ole Doozer warned me, you don’t order seafood anything when you’re more than 3 hours away from any significant body of water. And apparently the Gulf of Mexico doesn’t count as a significant body of water since it’s filled with crap fish and crayfish. Last I checked Texas was definitely more than 3 hours away from Maine, so what the fuck was I expecting?
All I do know is my butthole burns, and itches, and I’m pretty sure I’ve got hemorrhoids now. I can only assume, because I can’t seem to contort my body well enough to see with my own eyes, and Cancer Jiles says we’re friends, but we’re not THAT good of friends.
So thanks Bergman, thanks for the hemorrhoids.
2nd. Don’t look at the HOW website on your phone when you’re experiencing explosive diarrhea. I’m not sure what was more upsetting to my bowels, the “lobster”-esque bisque, or the uninspiring history lesson presented by Professor Bagman?
You want history, here’s some history for you.
When I found out our match at Rumble at the Rock was canceled, I was happy. Giddy even. Like my prayers were answered. Not that I was afraid of facing you, or should I say, losing to you, but because my record at Rumble at the Rock is atrocious.
But people seem to forget about it for the simple fact that I have flaked out of HOW after every single Rumble at the Rock appearance I’ve made.
The one RATR where Max Kael carved a pound of flesh from my bones, literally. The RATR where the Bandits lost to Zion and Hollywood for the tag team titles. That one where Joe Bergman went hardcore… Then there was that one where I was living on a ship for three months before the show for some reason that still hasn’t been explained to me. You remember that? Where I was forced to eat yellow dye #5 like that was some sort of punishment?
Joey B, you might not be a hardcore wrestler, but you forget, I’m not much of a wrestler period. Be it hardcore, or soft, I’m more of a dry humper with all my clothes on kinda guy. Just here to pad records and hope Lee doesn’t yell at me on the HOR. But I’ve realized a life hack, if you just don’t listen to the HOR you can simply tell yourself that Lee isn’t yelling at you on it.
It’s been working for Dooze for years, he still thinks Lee is his biggest fan!
Regardless, you give me waaaaaay too much credit my friend.
I mean, a win over ole Bobby Dean in this day and age? Is that even on par with a win of Darin Zion at this point? God, and to think, I used to be considered on the same level as Mike Best…
The 3rd Life Lesson I’ve realized recently? Don’t accept bookings when you’re suffering a bout of depression. Sorry I couldn’t bring my A game for you this week, but who am I kidding, the writing was already on the wall. Lee needs you to win, to take the tag titles off of the Bandits before he retires them for the thousandth time.
Hey, if this isn’t a RATR match, does that mean I can’t flake now?